Possumblog

Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

REDIRECT ALERT! (Scroll down past this mess if you're trying to read an archived post. Thanks. No, really, thanks.)

Due to my inability to control my temper and complacently accept continued silliness with not-quite-as-reliable-as-it-ought-to-be Blogger/Blogspot, your beloved Possumblog will now waddle across the Information Dirt Road and park its prehensile tail at http://possumblog.mu.nu.

This site will remain in place as a backup in case Munuvia gets hit by a bus or something, but I don't think they have as much trouble with this as some places do. ::cough::blogspot::cough:: So click here and adjust your links. I apologize for the inconvenience, but it's one of those things.


Friday, May 31, 2002

Something Weekend This Way Comes
Well, at least there aren’t three different soccer games to try to find. I have a multitude of chores to do this weekend—since it rained, I’m going to have to cut the grass; then there’s the semi-permanent (and probably highly flammable) jackleg wiring of the Incredible Pixie Fountain of Joyful Excrescence; the laying of hard pavers underneath the floor of the Very Large, Not At All Secret, Childrens’ Playhouse Which is NOT a Storage Building; the Re-Creation of Paradise (In Your OWN Backyard)—Chapter 93: Climbing Hydrangeas—and that’s just the hard-labor part of my sentence.

There are also Uplifting Activities, including the Youth of the Church Cook Saturday Breakfast for the Congregation (which will require that all six of the Possumclan be up and at the church building by 8 a.m.) and the Youth Day on Sunday (which will require that all six of the Possumclan find some excuse to hang around Leeds for a couple of hours to keep from having to go home then turn right back around and go to the building since the lecture is at 2, and will also require that we help bring refreshments for the kids who will be visiting from other congregations). I’m sure God is pleased that these are church events; otherwise he would have to start doling out forgiveness for the string of mild, yet sinful, oaths into which I would otherwise launch.

And somewhere in there, I’m going to have to find time to visit with my sister, who is up from Mobile for the week for some R&R at Mom’s house. Which should make for PLENTY of blogfodder, or a whole nother shelf in the Southern Lit section of the bookstore. I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears repeating that our personal interaction has the flavor of juggling baby bobcats while watching a TV show combining the finest elements of Hardball, Jeopardy, COPS, Bugs Bunny, Meet the Press, and Jackass. How our mother has put up with both of us for so long without resorting to firearms is beyond me. But what a grand spectacle, eh?

A strange coincidence, but she just called as I was writing this to say she was home! How odd. Topics we managed to discuss in fifteen minutes: Her and her partners’ rheumatology office is moving for the fifty jillionth time—I suggested getting a trailer; Rick and Bubba and Dickie Nadmeyer; I once more neglected to send her a birthday card within at least a week of her actual birthday; the wonderful birthday gift her nurse got her from Cracker Barrel—The Kung Fu Gerbil; Cracker Barrel has very slow service, enabling people time to find the perfect gift; the effect of Kung Fu Gerbils on senile cats; Earl Hilliard vs. a stump, in which the stump soundly trounces Hilliard in a test of intellectual prowess; I-65 from Mobile to Birmingham moves at least two miles per hour faster than the moving sidewalk at the airport; having an Infiniti I35 makes the trip worthwhile; policemen are nice; the superiority of old-time hymns over all that new crap they wrote after about 1924; and the reprogramming of Mom’s answering machine/fax machine. What a hoot!

So, have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll see you Monday.



For my occasional reader who believes that no one in Alabama follows all that silly ol' Mideast junk--politics as usual, with a half-gainer: Anti-Semitic leaflet surfaces in Alabama House race
By Jay Reeves for the AP--
[...] The two main candidates for the Democratic nomination in Alabama's 7th District -- situated in a region known as the Black Belt because of its dark soil -- are five-term Rep. Earl Hilliard and Harvard-educated lawyer Artur Davis. Both men are black. [...]

Recently Davis was targeted in an flier headlined "Davis and the Jews, no good for the Black Belt."

The four-paragraph leaflet full of misspellings and grammatical errors surfaced in April. It accuses Davis -- a Montgomery native who attends a Baptist church -- of being too close to "the Jews."

"Mr. Davis must simply understand that Jews the world over have never come to the aid of black or dark skin people because it was the right thing to do," the flier says.

It continues: "If the current invasions, murder and abuse within the Palestinian territory sound familiar, its only because in the not to distant past we seen the apartheid do exactly the same in the black villages of South Africa with Israel's support."

The sheet was signed: "By friends to re-elect Earl Hillard for Congress in the seven congressional district," misspelling the incumbent's name.

No one claimed responsibility for the flier. The Davis and Hilliard campaigns accused each other of producing it. Hilliard suggested Davis wrote it himself to generate more donations from offended Jewish supporters. [...]

Hilliard, the lone black member of Alabama's congressional delegation, trounced Davis by 24 percentage points in the primary two years ago despite an ethics probe and fallout from Hilliard's 1997 trip to Libya, which was criticized by colleagues.

Alabama's Jewish population is estimated at 10,000, and only a few hundred live in the district, which is 62 percent black.

Federal Election Commission records show Davis raised more than $360,000 in April and early May compared with $122,000 taken in by Hilliard during the same period. Davis' donations included a string of contributions from prominent Jewish families in Alabama.

The Birmingham News reported that Davis also received donations from about 300 people in New York, where he held fund-raisers that included pro-Israel organizations.

Hilliard, meanwhile, has received donations from the Arab American Leadership PAC and the president of the Arab American Institute, James Zogby, who gave $1,000. [...]
Hmmm. Full of grammatical errors and misspellings, eh? Well, obviously it's not the work of Hilliard's campaign staff--it must be his own work.



First Insta-, now Daily- gets a makeover. Nice looking set of pixels, there, Mr. Quick! (Of course, nothing quite comes close to the subtle style and panache of Possumblog, but still, a worthy effort.)



Falling on her sword: Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin resigns from Pulitzer Prize board
Wow.
[...] Seymour Topping, the administrator of the prizes, said Carroll consulted with others on the 17-member board before accepting Goodwin's resignation, which was effective Friday.

An inquiry being conducted on the plagiarism charge "is now moot," he said.

Elected members of the Pulitzer board serve a maximum of nine years, and stand for re-election every three years. Goodwin, who was in her fourth year, had been re-elected in November 2001. [...]
Moot, huh. My, my; glad we don't have to go through THAT rigamarole.



Sad, Disappointing Search Requests
Greetings to you who Googled taxonomy of the virginia possum. While Possumblog is the Official Blog of American Marsupials, taxonomy is not my strong suit--I never keep all my receipts, I always wait till the last minute to file, and wind up waiting forever to get my refund back (which, if I were really careful with my W-4, I wouldn't get a refund at all, or I would have to pay a little bit; but as I said, it's not my strong suit). I still haven't gotten my state refund back yet.

One of the drawbacks of having a walnut-sized brain, I suppose.

And to the person who found his or her way here by typing in insert it into terry, unless you're talking about feeding me cheese curls or barbecue, please don't bother. (But, I am Number Two on the return list!)





Scooter the Commie
Tim Blair finds out that the various apocryphal tales of inbred Alabamians is indeed, sadly true, resulting in the birth of weedy commie academics. We apologize.



Speaking of breakfast, via a very upset Axis of Weevil Ambassador to Yankeeland Marc Velazquez at Spudlets, we find this FOX News throwaway about wimmen and manners, and particularly a new book co-authored by Honore McDonough Ervin and Lesley Carlin, Things You Need to Be Told: A Handbook for Polite Behavior in a Tacky, Rude World! This pair also have a website called etiquettegrrls.com. From the FOX article, we read this graph:
[...] The authors have also encountered accusations of snobbery. Giles was taken aback when the host of a Boston radio show said, "I can tell you right now I'm not a lady and I'm proud of it," during a live interview.

Ervin said these criticisms are due to the "misperception out there that having good manners is only for rich people," and said her advice for women, like not to eat grits or ask a man out on a date, gives people "the information they need to know regardless of income bracket."
[emphasis mine]
Hoping against hope that she was somehow quoted out of context, I went to the Etiquette Girls' website and found this little screed, in which we find out that these girls are...Yankees. Well, gee, that's a surprise. And yes, in the opening paragraphs, she does indeed excoriate the eating of the noblest of all corn byproducts.

We then get to the final paragraph, in which all the stops are pulled out:
Also, inexplicably, all the radio stations seem to feel the need to play "Sweet Home, Alabama" at least once every half-hour. This puzzles EG, as C--- isn't located anywhere near Alabama! EG shudders to think how much Skynyrd one would be subjected to if one actually lived in Alabama. (Note to self: Never, ever, go to Alabama.)

EG could go on and on, Dear Readers, about her Adventures in the South, but she thinks that the point is Abundantly Clear; the South is nowhere the EGs or Their Readers should be living on a Permanent Basis. EG is hungry, in constant danger of Bodily Harm, sans New Clothes, lonely, and sober. And this, Dear Readers, is Tragic. EG eagerly awaits the day when she can return to Civilization; in the meantime, she will be watching la poste for Care Packages containing the Necessities of Life.
Hmm. What can I say except...THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I was all prepared to deliver a delightfully well-wrought spanking upon this good EG's well-toned bottom, but then realized that this was but a clever bit of Quaker gunnery! She rightfully understands that were she to speak the truth, the entirety of the South would be full up with her fellow-travellers from up yonder, and would absolutely ruin it for everyone. (I also suspect this is the true motive of Wanker writer and author of Wisden Cricketer's Almanac, Matthew Engel.)



Thanks to Charles Austin of Sine Qua Non for the shoutout--the link in question should take you way down the page to 8:55 Wednesday morning, but doesn't for some reason, so scroll down past all of the exceedingly diverse piles of crap to get to the post in question (which merely states the obvious--Dick Cohen Before He Dicks You!).



Inexpicable Marketing Tie-ins
Well, I was on the way in this morning, listening to the new radio commercial for Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast Special.

For some reason (which is explained in much marketingspeak in the link above, but which I refuse to try to parse) Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are discussing meal plans. Piggy wants French q-zine, Kermit wants value, so he suggests the GSB which is only $2.99 for a limited time.

Miss Piggy nearly slobbers all over the radio when Kermie starts extolling the virtues of eggs and hotcakes, then the announcer comes on and mentions the fact that the breakfast also comes with a choice of either sausage or bacon. Miss Piggy wants three complete breakfasts, then says something about eating French again, and Kermits says "I don't do French. I'm a frog." Kermit, you moron, you're having breakfast with a nymphomanical, cannabalistic pig! I'm surprised she didn't ask for Chianti and fava beans! I mean, yeah, frogs without legs is a bad thing, but good grief, at least they can get little wheelchairs! And anyway, there's more to French food than frog legs--there's French fries, and French toast--but a Grand Slam Breakfast absolutely DEMANDS the other white meat! You've got much bigger issues here, bub.

And another thing, just what is Denny's trying to push here? Next thing you know, there's going to be "long pig" on the menu!


Thursday, May 30, 2002

Yo Alice, remind me to never forget to bring my toothbrush when I come stay at your house!



Palestinian woman tells of changing her mind, calling off planned suicide attack
[...] In recounting the episode, she said she was uncomfortable when her handlers told her to dress like a modern Israeli woman, with her hair loose, makeup, sunglasses and tight-fitting trousers.

"I didn't want to do this because it was against my religious beliefs," she told the newspapers.

Her disillusionment with her handlers grew when she was told that she should blow herself up before she reached the target if she thought she was going to be caught.

"Blow up for nothing? What is this -- trading in the blood of martyrs only so that my handlers can say that they executed the operation?" she said. [...]
What to say? Something is wrong when it's a greater sin to have your hair down than to commit murder. At least it appears Tawriya Hamamra thought long enough to come to the conclusion that possibly, just maybe, her handlers were not quite the righteous men she believed them to be.



Yet More Disturbing Search Requests
Hello to the person who found your way to Possumblog via a Google search for worshipping fuzzy slippers. I'm not sure if I'm disturbed more by the search string itself, or the fact that I only placed 12th in the results. In any event, whenever I get around to opening my CafePress store, I will make sure they start carrying fuzzy slippers with the official Possumblog logo (and the patented opposable big toe). No worshipping required.



University of Arkansas announces first class on Clinton presidency, to begin in January
University of Arkansas at Little Rock political science professor Margaret Scranton is developing the curriculum and will teach the class, slated to serve as the prototype for the planned Clinton School of Public Service at the Clinton Presidential Library. It will begin in January and was believed to be the first college class in the country on Clinton's life, school officials said Wednesday. [...] "Because we can't begin classes there until 2004, the opportunity is right under our noses to begin doing things now," Scranton said. [...]
Mr. Clinton could be heard snickering and mumbling to an aide "If she's nice, I know something else that might be under her nose!"
[...] "This begins Arkansas' academic study of the Clinton presidency ... and it does so before the library is actually opened," added Skip Rutherford, president of the Clinton foundation. [...]
"We were a bit worried, but since the 7-11 down the street has Huster and Penthouse Forum, we figured we'd be okay as far as class material goes. After we get the library open, we'll have a lot more, obviously, including Internet access."



Today is Mr. Quick's birthday! Speaking of which, mine is quickly approaching--I will be posting my list of desired gifts later.



Via the Backfence, Neighbor Lileks discusses the always ripe subject of childhood misperceptions:
The old "FBI" TV show always ended with a lecture by J. Edgar Hoover, the Principal of the FBI, seated at his desk like a big pink ham in a suit. He frightened me. Until Walt Disney, who always seemed happy to see us, J. Edgar looked as if he knew we took that piece of chalk from Sunday school last year, and he was waiting to hear one good reason why he shouldn't tell the pastor. I was scared of the FBI, but I trusted them. The idea that they might screw up a terrorist case was as preposterous as Russia joining NATO. Well. The longer you live, the more you realize that everything you knew as a child is probably wrong.



One more reason I'm glad I don't have cable: 'American Taliban' TV Movie Planned
LOS ANGELES –– A television movie on John Walker Lindh, the 21-year-old Californian captured with Taliban fighters in Afghanistan, is being developed by Artisan Television and the FX cable channel to air in 2003. [...]



In re my comment below about "self-serving fools": State Senate candidate charged with assault on 9-year-old

PELHAM, Ala. (AP) -- Former state Rep. Steve Flowers was arrested Wednesday night on a charge of assaulting a 9-year-old boy for putting up signs with his father against Flowers' campaign for the state Senate.

Flowers is one of four Republicans in the primary for the District 14 Senate seat, covering parts of Jefferson, Shelby, Bibb and Chilton counties.

Alex Dyer has accused Flowers of hitting him in the face after the candidate spotted the boy and his father putting up anti-Flowers signs along Cahaba Valley Road in Pelham, The Birmingham News reported in Thursday editions. [...]



Justice in bombing case ends city's identity
A very poignant column by Birmingham Post-Herald writer Wade Kwon from yesterday afternoon about the final conviction in the 16th Street church bombing and what the future holds for Birmingham. For those of us who live here (whether "here" is Birmingham, Alabama, or the South) Kwon’s last paragraphs strike particularly hard:
Still, educated folks tend to take away but a single lesson from the chapter, that cities in the South were the havens for racism and oppression. In its three-minute 75th anniversary montage earlier this month, NBC News showed a few seconds of footage of Birmingham police and fire personnel turning hoses and dogs on the marchers. Maybe by the 100th anniversary, they'll throw in the convictions -- but I won't hold my breath.

Those outsiders might have a point. For all our indignation at their grip on the past, what have we done in the 39 years hence to make a name for ourselves? What have we done to honor the four lives cut short? Did we have to wait until 2002 to heal ourselves, our community?

And what is the plan for the next 39 years?

As troubling as it may be that the next generation is blind to the recent past, it's far worse that it has a cloudy future ahead in this town. Birmingham has few significant bright spots on the horizon to mark its progress, whether it's distinction in education, industry, culture or growth. We've grown used to the self-imposed shackles of complacency.

We could blame shaky race relations, lack of a dome, a certain Georgia city down Interstate 20 or any other factor, but to what end? We've done little to move forward, though we had the same opportunity in 1963, 1973, 1983, 1993 and will again in 2003.

By all means, let's close the chapter. How disheartening that in all these years, the next one never opened.
Perhaps it’s simply a cultural by-product by which we feel compelled to linger over the past, over old wounds—the future is abstract, after all, while the past is tangible. Why try to discern something cloudy and dark, when the past shines so brightly? The future will be past soon enough, and then will be worth taking a look at.

It’s not that we cannot see the value of looking forward—we can see the benefits of progress all around us. It’s not that we are not smart enough to make a better future happen—despite the stereotype, there is more than enough brainpower here. It’s not that we lack bravery or drive or initiative or love or money or any one thing necessary to set our own course. Other than a willingness to move on.

Even the most fearsome warship is useless when it’s hard aground in port.

One day, we might decide that there are better people to send to Montgomery than a tribe of self-serving fools. Maybe one day, we’ll start comparing ourselves to the best, instead of saying ‘at least we’re not the worst.’ At some time, we might understand that history is best used as a tool for understanding the future, not as a way to nurse our feelings of inadequacy or victimhood.

Or, we might just continue to turn around backwards to walk down the road.


Wednesday, May 29, 2002

One less thing to worry about--Stolen Cynanide Found in Mexico
Mexico's defense department announced that 70 drums of sodium cyanide were found Wednesday near a dirt road in central Mexico — apparently part of a stolen shipment of the highly poisonous chemical that officials have been seeking for 18 days.

A policeman discovered the drums in the early morning hours outside the city of Honey, Puebla, 80 miles north of Mexico City, said the city's secretary, Juvencio Miranda. [...]
No word yet on how Tom Daschle intends to blame this on Republicans.



What This War Needs Is an Energetic Round of Firings
Yea! James Lileks' Newhouse column of today!
[...] For that matter, a vigorous round of firings throughout the government would be a heartening sign.

FBI agents who blew the 20th hijacker investigation: You're fired, and a Scarlet I for "Incompetence" shall ever be burned on your resume. Norman Mineta, whose ideal planeload consists of 50 unfrisked young male Saudis and 10 old Hispanic ladies who got full body-cavity searches, protected by pilots armed with joy-buzzers: You're fired.

Tom Ridge, who gives the impression of Frankenstein attempting to comprehend quantum physics: The color code for your future in your job is black. Pentagon leakers: fired. The entire State Department Bureau of Craven Appeasement: canned. And before you leave, shred your memos on how Yasser Arafat likes his boot licked, please.

While we're at it, why do the heads of the FBI and CIA still have jobs? The 9/11 attack should have compelled honorable men to fall on their swords. Fire them all.

Fire lots and lots; bring in new minds and fresh blood. Get everyone on the same page -- and don't leak the page to the paper just so you can feel important when you're quoted on Page One. Otherwise one might suspect that the bureaucracy's job is less important than protecting the jobs of the bureaucrats.
Well, it's all well and good to say "fire them all," but we career bureaucrats understand that firing all of us would cripple an already crumbling system--see, we have what's called "institutional memory." It is this body of knowledge which simply cannot be duplicated by rubes walking in off the street. We know where the rubber bands are kept, we know how to make the elevator work when it keeps bypassing floors, we know the best places to take naps, we can lose more important paperwork behind one filing cabinet in one day than the entire private sector can in months, we know which appliances to unplug to make sure the microwave doesn't kick off the breaker--the list goes on and on. Go ahead--fire us all! See if we tell you where the security tape of the woman changing in the elevator is kept!



Cobber Tim Takes on Congo Doug!
...and takes great pride in seeing him flapping in the breeze.



Honing My Craft or,
On Being Kept Honest

We finally got everyone in bed last night about 9:30 after spending the afternoon setting up the stupendous pixie fountain and going to the hardware store to pick up a long extension cord for said fountain and a flower pot for Little Girl's apple seeds and flower bed grass killer and potting soil and to shop for more plants.

It was late, and I was tired, so I turned on Seinfeld (the filler show between the 9 and 10 pm local news) and sprawled across the foot of the bed with the final chapter of P.J. O'Rourke's CEO of the Sofa. Reba sat down beside me with one of her 1001 Landscaping Ideas for Any Budget, Unless You Have No Budget To Speak Of books. And proceeded to read it. Out loud. And put it on top of Mr. O'Rourke so I could see the pictures. Of each of the 1001 Ideas.

Announcer One--Roger, it's here that Oglesby starts making his preparations--you see him not displaying any visual cues of his being disturbed...

Announcer Two--Oh yes, quite, Philip--he has perfected the technique of pretending to listen whilst continuing to read his own material. Ah, you see there, he actually looked at one of the pictures his lovely wife is showing him. AND look at that! He simply replaced his book further down the bed to get it out from under hers! Smashing!


So I continued to read and watch TV and listen to the marvelous things you can do with a piece of plywood and broken blue-and-white plates when Reba said "Oh, this red stuff is real pretty--it's called a Burning Bush plant--we could put that over by the big planter." Keeping my head down, but not missing a beat I said, "I don't want that stuff--we'd have to keep taking off our shoes around it."

Announcer Two--Philip! Did you hear THAT! Marvelous rejoinder, delivered with impeccable timing! Didn't even move out of position!

Announcer One--Oh that WAS one for the highlight reel. Skillfully blending an irreverent, semi-mocking religious reference with the cleverness that would be right at home either in Seinfeld's apartment 5A or in one of O'Rourke's tomes, all whilst not being noticably mean or cranky!

Announcer Two--Oh no, Philip, it appears there might be some trouble...


And then she said, "Hm. Look at this, this is like that purple barberry we saw the other day at Cedar Street."

"HEY! That was funny! No shoes! That was a good one!"

Announcer One--Oh my, oh my, Roger--he's trying to contest this and it appears...

Announcer Two--Oh heavens, Philip--he's going to start begging! Such a SAD disappointment! He was on fire and now he's acting like a spoilt child!


"That was funny!"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"NO, it WAS FUNNY!"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I thought it was funny but I told myself I wasn't going to laugh."

Announcer One--Well, Roger, that really sinks him now--she has trumped his rejoinder with a resounding non-plussed attitude, and has heaped scornful PITY upon him!

Announcer Two--Good lord, Philip, it boggles the mind to see what an opponent she has been. One wonders how he will overcome such a defeat...

Announcer One--What!? Oh, my, he's closed his book and gone for the Tickle Gambit! Look at that handwork...he's all over her--when all else fails, the use of physically-induced laughter has been a life-saver for Oglesby in the past, as he is able to use his immense bulk to overwhelm opponents up to 9 stones!

Announcer Two--There it is! There it is! I see a glimmer of the faintest breath of a smile--YES! He managed to get in a good one about the level of the scapula and he quickly retreats to keep from being pummelled senseless!


"AhhhhHAAAA! I knew I could make you laugh!"

"Well, I hope you're satisfied with that..."

Announcer One--Well. Quite.

Announcer Two--Yes. I say so.



Hey Cool!
I just went over 10,000 page views! I would like to thank lucky number 10k reader (which just happened to be me--I am, after all, my most faithful reader.)

As dense and fully packed as a stopped up septic tank, Possumblog continues to confront reality with a devil-may-care attitude and a healthy disregard for book-learning. Thanks to all who have made this moment possible, notably Miss Crowell, who taught me to touch-type. And to my mother, who taught me not to put bobby pins into the electrical outlets. (Actually, I figured that out myself after blowing a fuse at our old house--Mom just sort of reinforced the lesson. With vigor.)

Possumblog will continue, at least for the next fifteen to twenty minutes, as it has for the past months--as a completely idiotic game of tail-chasing ineptitude and strange inscrutability, with an emphasis on defying categorization. As noted smart girl and Axis of Weevil Ministress of the Money Thing Elizabeth Spiers said yesterday in her entry on blog taxonomy :
...most blogs I read completely defy categorization, and I read them precisely because of that. I mean, where the hell would you possibly put Tony Pierce? LakersBlog? KournikovaBlog? Or Terry Oglesby? SoccerDadBlog? Jim Treacher? CompletelyRandomShi... anyway.
Ah yes, anyway indeed.

So then, once more it is time to set the choke to "3," squeeze the primer bulb, depress the throttle lever and pull the cord.



For all of your natalie portman stats size shoe needs...
Guten tag to a recent visitor via DeutscheGoogle. Possumblog continues to gain notoriety and influence in the cyberworld, being the NUMBER TWO result from the above search string. (For the record, Natalie has requested that her shoe size remain unlisted, so we apologize we are not able to supply the requested information.)



A Holiday Weekend, or Why I Go To Work.
Rich Hailey's (who has WAY too many blogs) reports on His Weekend. And on rediscovering Mr. Fuji! No word on Tojo Yamamoto, or on The Interns, though. Rich is another one of us incredibly busy dad guys who have a job in order to have a place to get some rest.



Dick Cohen Before He Dicks You!
Once more, Charles Austin at Sine Qua Non Pundit rushes in for the 27th time to smite Richard Cohen, this time on the issue of racial preferences and profiling and preening and general pokery; and asks the question "What this 'WE' business, Kemosabe?!"



Kennedy's patrol boat found in Pacific, shipwreck hunter says
Interesting, mainly because it's going to be interesting to hear how Ballard confirmed this is 109. Doesn't seem like there would be enough left after 50 years to positively identify it, although I suppose it's possible they could have found something specific. Anyway, a nice website dedicated to the PT boats can be found here.

UPDATE: Well, it figures. Via the AP Shipwreck hunter reports 'promising' findings in search for Kennedy's PT boat
Shipwreck hunter Robert Ballard said Wednesday he would consult with naval experts over his "promising" but "inconclusive" findings in the search for the World War II patrol boat commanded by John F. Kennedy off the Solomon Islands. [...]

In that same statement, Ballard was quoted as saying, "While promising, the expedition findings are inconclusive at this time. We will review the results with naval experts over the next several weeks."

National Geographic said it will announce the results when the analysis is complete.

According to the radio report, Ballard — who led a team that found the Titanic shipwreck in 1985 — said he located the wreckage of Kennedy's boat last week after searching for about a week. He did not provide further details of the discovery, citing contractual obligations for film and magazine rights to the search.

Ballard could not be reached for comment. A worker at the Gizo hotel where Ballard had been staying told The Associated Press on Wednesday that the explorer left the islands.

The radio report said a National Geographic documentary will be released in November. Members of the National Geographic team in the Solomon Islands did not immediately return calls seeking comment.

The John Fitzgerald Kennedy Library and Museum in Boston had no information on the report. Ballard's Institute for Exploration at Mystic Marinelife Aquarium in Mystic, Conn., could not confirm the story.

Aquarium spokeswoman Lisa Jaccoma said, "They have found something. They're waiting to get confirmation of what they have found." [...]
So, reading between the lines here, it sounds to me as if he's found three Packard V-12s in a PT-shaped pile. With the number of PTs lost in the Solomons, especially in the area where 109 went down, it will be (again) interesting to see what real proof they have this is 109 and not another boat.



Lance Bass gets ticket to space
Of course, the real question is not how to get him there, it's how to KEEP him there.

FLASH! THIS JUST IN...Russian space agency says it has no plans to take 'N Sync's Lance Bass to space

MOSCOW (AP) -- The Russian space agency said Wednesday that it had no plans to give 'N Sync's Lance Bass a ride to space, and that no other space tourist has secured a seat on a Russian rocket set to blast off to the international space station in October.

"The Russian Aerospace Agency has had no contacts whatsoever with Mr. Bass," agency spokesman Konstantin Kreidenko said. "We have received no requests from either him or his representatives, not to speak about signing any contracts." [...]
Curses! Just when it was within our reach...


Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Oh yeah, I was going to post something about our holiday weekend--well Friday, the two older girls spent the night with friends, and the younger two kids spent the night with Grandmama and Grandpapa, so I got to go on a real, live DATE with my wife. I managed to talk her out of staying home and cleaning house, so we went to the bookstore then out to Palace for supper. The bookstore was embarrassing, as I had a terrible bout of gastrointestinal distress which necessitated that I spend thirty minutes in the restroom. Spending thirty minutes in a bookstore restroom is not the best thing in the world to do--for some reason, people give you strange looks when you emerge. Maybe it was the yodelling. Luckily, my distress was not an impediment to enjoying a plateful of potstickers and a huge bowl of hot and sour soup. (What?! Quit looking at me like that!)

Saturday was spent getting the kids back from their various locations, and the supreme delight of getting our tax refund deposited in the bank, which meant we could now purchase the Secret Plastic Storage Shed, which shall be hereafter referred to as The Not At All Secret Very Large Children's Playhouse. Our neighborhood president sent out a new and improved set of covenants he wants to adopt--he has apparently spent a lot of time researching life in The People's Paradise of North Korea, and I suppose fancies himself a righteous successor to Benevolent Father. In any event, he promises to make sure everyone knows what is an acceptable child's playhouse, in case there is any doubt. Which I guess means there is some doubt now, so I will use this to exploit the weakness in the system. I've told the kids it will be their playhouse, although Daddy will have to use part of it to put things in. They seem comfortable with the arrangement, so everyone else should, too. So there! ::sticks out tongue and say "nyaahh"::

I put down the floor, which necessitated several attempts to level it out on my little pile of gravel, and which was made even more difficult by the fact that Neighbor Girl had invited Her Friend over to wash cars and get a tan. Since I am married and a dad and go to church an awful lot, I had to keep poking things in my eyes and thinking of Janet Reno. Jonathan, on the other hand, being single and an eight year old player, had no such constraints and quite happily helped me hold on to big pieces of plastic, as long as it meant being able to stare at two girls lying on the driveway wearing bikinis. Not that I know what they were wearing--I'm just guessing, honest. I swear on a stack of Albrights.

Sunday was the normal church day, and luckily no teachers were sick or inexplicably absent--there were just a bunch of late ones. That's okay, I needed more gray hair. Afterwards, we went and visited Oldest Girl's grandparents (Reba's former inlaws). These monthly visits will one day provide a rich lode of material for the book I intend to write. As for now, I simply repeat "what does not kill me make me stronger."

Then, it was back to church again for a meeting with all the kids, who are sending along letters to a sister congregation in Russia via a small group which is leaving this week. I hope they will get some response, especially for those kids (like mine) who are a bit too spoiled and have no concept of life being any harder than they have it now. Might open a few eyes. Even little Catherine got in on the act--Mom wrote her letter, but she signed it. Be interesting to see how this turns out.

Monday we had planned to take the kids to ride horses--we went to Camp Coleman, but they were closed to the public for the day so we wound up at Oak Mountain State Park, which is a beautiful place. The kids went through the petting zoo first, and managed to not step in poop or get bitten. One horse seemed a bit nippy when I was petting its nose--it nearly gnawed a plug out of my arm but I managed to stay out of its way. Some little kid's mother was standing there when he chomped at me, and I mentioned that he seemed sort of peeved. I turned around to check on my kids and heard someone shriek behind me. The woman had apparently not thought the horse would actually BITE someone, and had her son over at the fence petting the horse on the nose again when it latched onto him. Jonathan said "That little boy put his hand right in the horse's mouth!" After we wandered far enough away, we had an impromptu Possumblog Logic Class. "What happens if you're idiotic enough to put your hand in a horse's mouth, kids?" "It'll bite." "Thank you." Having finished the lesson, it was time to go over to the pony ride area. Oldest Girl has ridden a horse exactly once, which she thinks is sufficient to go jump on any horse and take off, so she was bitterly disappointed that all of the "real" horses had been signed out. Ah, to be twelve and know everything. Boy had a great time; of course, this could have something to do with the teenaged girls who were the pony guides. Eight years old, and he already has more suave coolness than I have ever been in my entire life. Ashley, despite her incredibly advanced equestrian knowlege, deigned to be led along at the mosey. Rebecca, who loves horses more than anything, and wants to be a vet, and has read every Pony Pals book there is, got on a pony which suddenly decided it was through for the day and got balkish. She was scared and it took her a while to unfreeze enough to let a little smile get out. On the other hand, The Tiny Terror was fearless, and probably would have enjoyed a runaway horse immensely.

Afterwards, we went back across the county to look for a fountain for the back yard. Why? I wish I knew. Soothing water sound? Well, you have to be at home to hear it, and there is always someone flushing a pot somewhere in the house when we ARE at home. Something to look at? There's lots to look at. Sky. Birds. Trees. Dirt. But there's nothing that combines the allure of running water with the bonded stone convenience and subtle "hi-tone finish" of a garden pixie fountain. I have come to find out that children really do not care if you have a degree in architecture, nor that half of the books in your house are about art or design, nor that you bring home a paycheck because someone cares enough to ask your knowledge about the art and science of building, because pixies are cute and the quiet dignity of a simple, trickling bronze bowl is really boring. ::sigh:: Of course, I may just be mad that there's not a Vargas version. Now THAT would be a fountain!

So, in a greatly condensed form, that was my weekend. (Somewhere in there I slept, but I'm not sure when.)



Andersen executive says accounting firm routinely destroyed documents to prevent misinterpretation
When asked if anyone might misinterpret the shredding of documents as something indicating criminal behavior, the witness blinked and said quizzically, "Huh? What do you mean?"



Seen at the bookstore this weekend: Rural Studio Samuel Mockbee and an Architecture of Decency I've written about the late Mr. Mockbee before--I believe he is one of the finest architects ever to practice, and certainly the best to come out of Auburn University. This book chronicles his work as founder and guiding light of the Auburn University School of Architecture's Rural Studio. Didn't get it, but did put it on my arm-long list of stuff I want for my birthday. I did get Chesty--The Story of Lieutenant General Lewis B. Puller . Puller is the embodiment of a United States Marine. Famous quote, during the Battle of the Chosin Reservoir--"We've been looking for the enemy for several days now. We've finally found them. We're surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them." Also got America at War in Color--Unique Images of the American Experience of World War II , which has a ton of color photos that I hadn't seen before. (My point of reference here is my old Marshall Cavendish multi-volume Illustrated Encyclopedia of World War II which is even more full of color photos) Sometimes it's hard to relate to the past from black and white images, and we sometimes fail to make the connection that the subjects of the photos lived and moved in the same polychrome world in which we live. It's jarring to even think of a bright, sunny day in Occupied France, or to see Goering and Hitler with life running in them, or to see concentration camp prisoners with life running out of them. (It's a good book just for the pictures--the narrative and captions are rife with errors of punctuation and spelling and fact.)



New Arafat Potato Chips Hit Stores
Cheese-flavored Yasser Arafat potato chips — five cents a bag.

Vendors report brisk sales of the new product. The maker of the chips says it donates five cents — 25 pisaters — to the "Palestinian cause" for every 50 packages sold.

The chips are bagged in Palestinian colors — green, red, black and white — and carry the likeness of a rotund and wide-eyed Arafat, saluting with one hand and holding a Palestinian flag in the other. He's dressed in his trademark military fatigues and black-and-white checked headgear.

Shopkeepers say the Arafat chips, named Abu Ammar — the Palestinian leader's nom de guerre, are considerably outselling another new brand, The Hero, which hit store shelves earlier this month. The packaging for that brand pictures a schoolboy holding a stone in his right hand and books in the other as he confronts an Israeli tank.

"There's no one who doesn't love Abu Ammar," said Iman Mohammed Darwish, a 12-year-old girl. "I like the taste, and I want to help the Palestinians." [...]
You know, some things simply defy attempts at parody.



Well, I know the car tag saga was one that you just couldn't wait for. As always, the trek across the park to the Courthouse proved to be interesting, starting off with the sight of a pigeon bathing in the fountain--I mean, who knew they ever bathed? The security screening seems a bit more streamlined now, and the multicolored computer printout of box cutters and pocket knives and bazookas has been replaced with a simpler "No Weapons Allowed" sign. Dropped my keys and my pocket change into the plastic bins and walked through the metal detector with my honking huge Rotring 600 Multipen, which has enough solid metal in it to make an M-1 Garand jealous. But apparently not enough to be considered a threat. Not to mention the fact that I was packing a P-38, the single most versatile tool ever devised by man. MacGiver ain't got nothing on me.

Anyway, down to the Stand and Shuffle and the most amazing thing I've ever seen in civil service. A genuinely attractive employee--mid-twenties, blonde, just-done-biscuit suntan, tight white Hilfiger polo shirt, khakis--she looked like she was about to go to the beach. As I said last week about banks, standing like a cow in a dosing pen would be much more fun if there were attractive and entertaining diversions such as jugglers, strolling musicians, lap dancers, beverages--so this is definitely a good start. Of course, this being the people's business, or lest you think public service is going to be just like the private sector, the poor hapless business guy who was getting several tags had been at her window for nearly an hour. He was still waiting as I left. Thankfully, after I spent my time in line, I didn't get the anti-cutie Jabba the Lifer who was at one of the other windows; just a normal person who let me get my tags in about five minutes and leave.

Oh what crappy tags.

I have mentioned before that these new "Stars Fell on Alabama" tags are bad. (by the way, the link is from www.auite.com, which has the essential rules for calling "shotgun") But at least the tags were bad in the abstract--now I have to put the silly things on three vehicles. Dadgummit all, I want my car tags to look like they were made by guys in the penitentiary, not by a class of third graders doing an art assignment. Actually, third graders could do better than these--the new tags have the unmistakable look and deft touch of a bureacrat. From the Mobile Register, we recall that...
[...] The new design was created by Helen Moore, a graphic artist on the governor's staff. Siegelman said a number of other designs were considered.

Moore's work replaces the air-brushed, pink-and-blue design with black letters adopted in 1997. Snellgrove said that design was created by Revenue Department employees. The department administers license plates, and is required by law to issue a new plate every five years.[...]
Feh! It's almost enough to make spend fifty bucks extra just to get one of the multitude of other tag designs--I could get Auburn University (not too bad), Alabama Forests (ugly, but not insipid), Helping Schools (juvenile design, but at least it's intentional; Lord knows the schools need help), Shakespeare Theatre (yes, it's spelled the Brit way, and has the floating head of Billy himself), USS ALABAMA (this one has NO added fee!), Alabama Wildlife Federation (so incredibly cluttered with graphics that it will bring tears to your eyes, but no twinkly stars). But a sampling. If you have too much time on your hands, you can go to the county's website at Jeffco Intouch and click through all of these--there's about a billion of them.

So, back across the park, just in time for an exciting update on the Cynthia Gould Watch! It's City Council meeting day, which is part of Miss Gould's beat. Her outfit today consists of a melon colored, cap-sleeved knit shell with matching sweater casually tied across the shoulder, a dark skirt with while floral pattern, and absolutely awful chunky shoes.

Enough of this nonsense--it's lunchtime!



Whew! Made it through another one. Mondays are the worst, except when there is no Monday and they make Tuesday into Monday and pile all the staff meetings together on top of poor Tuesday, which simply destroys the happy-go-lucky, bonhommie of the day. Such as, for example, today. Today, I must work (insert Maynard G. Krebs "Work!" take) and make up for losing a day to family fun.

All sorts of shockingly mundane occurences this past weekend, with ripping tales of bird feeders, the Secret Plastic Storage Shed becoming a reality, a semi-faux stone pixie fountain, pony rides, frogs, bikinis, etc., etc., but instead I am forced to do my job. Blech. On a TUESDAY, no less. But, having given a quick glance around all the folks in my list of links, it seems everone else has been doing all the thinking and writing, so go check them out and let me put out the brushfires and beat down the 'gators chomping at my nether regions and I will post something later on in the day. I might even let you know how it goes over at the Courthouse when I go pick up my....CAR TAGS!!!!!!!!

I realize that all of this is a lot of excitement to keep at bay, but I'm certain you will be able to stand it for a few hours.


Friday, May 24, 2002

Requiescant in pace

Like most Americans, I will be at home Monday for the Memorial Day holiday. I won’t be posting anything then, but I didn’t want to let the day go by unmarked. Following is an excerpt of The Soldier's Faith, a speech delivered by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. on May 30, 1895 to a meeting of the graduating class of Harvard University. Be sure to click on the link to read all of it.
We do not save our traditions, in our country. The regiments whose battle-flags were not large enough to hold the names of the battles they had fought vanished with the surrender of Lee, although their memories inherited would have made heroes for a century. It is the more necessary to learn the lesson afresh from perils newly sought, and perhaps it is not vain for us to tell the new generation what we learned in our day, and what we still believe. That the joy of life is living, is to put out all one's powers as far as they will go; that the measure of power is obstacles overcome; to ride boldly at what is in front of you, be it fence or enemy; to pray, not for comfort, but for combat; to keep the soldier's faith against the doubts of civil life, more besetting and harder to overcome than all the misgivings of the battlefield, and to remember that duty is not to be proved in the evil day, but then to be obeyed unquestioning; to love glory more than the temptations of wallowing ease, but to know that one's final judge and only rival is oneself: with all our failures in act and thought, these things we learned from noble enemies in Virginia or Georgia or on the Mississippi, thirty years ago; these things we believe to be true.

"Life is not lost", said she,
"for which is bought Endless renown."


We learned also, and we still believe, that love of country is not yet an idle name.
To all who have given their lives in service to America, may God grant you peace.



The Oracle of Murray
(Including the Exciting Finale!)
Yesterday was grass-cutting day—the first time this season I’ve been able to work in the yard instead of watching kids roll a ball back and forth on someone else’s neatly trimmed yard—and as always my mind was released to explore all the pernicious questions that trouble the world. I wish I had a wireless internet connection and a laptop connected to the handlebars, and then I could post all of it here while I mow. This would be a big help because after solving all of the world’s problems, I promptly forgot about them when the engine stopped. Maybe the lawn mower is like the Temple at Delphi, and the only way I can speak the future is when nearly overcome with gas fumes. (Methane in Delphi, carbon monoxide in Trussville.)

Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that yesterday I succcumbed to wild-eyed nonconformity by not mowing side-to-side, or up-and-down, but...DIAGONALLY! Shocking, I know. In any event, losing the solution to Fermat's Last Theorem is not a big deal, because as I was making the turn at the back corner, I spotted a piece of paper on the ground. A TEN DOLLAR BILL! I felt like the kid in Animal House when the Playboy Bunny landed in his bed. I started looking around to see if there was any more manna, and found A TWENTY! Great howling monkeys! I get $30 to cut my own grass! Then, up under some of the plant life at the edge of my rear neigbor's yard was yet MORE paper. A bank receipt and a cash envelope. No name on the slip, which had been out in the wide open spaces since Monday and was a bit faded and smeared, and it looks like there is another $20 floating around someone's yard, because the receipt had "$50" as cash returned.

So, now, what to do with this windfall, knowing that it belonged to some body?

I had thought it would be a fun idea to see what the huge mass of Possumblog readers would do in a similar situation, and was overwhelmed with the incredible number of responses. The first to write in was Larry Anderson over at Kudzu Acres who wrote:

Depends. Does the receipt have an account number? Then return the money. If not, then remove the delightful banner ad.

My wife finds money all the time. The woman once found a twenty while walking in the New Mexico desert.

The found money pays for my Dairy Queen addiction.

Larry


The second letter came from North Carolinian and fellow Weevilite Marc Velazquez of Spudlets, who sent the following:

I know you've been eyeballin' those bobblehead redneck dolls, planning the space on your mantle where you can proudly display them. Let the kids fight over who's going to get them, rather than put them in the will!

Spud

PS Hey, how about payin' off my banner ad (and wouldn't Blogger Pro be nice too!)?


And then Mac Thomason, Axis of Weevil Chief of Library Science and famed War Liberal, sent the following:

It was in your YARD for God's sake. Finding money in the sidewalk is one thing, but if it's on your own property, it's yours.

I'm sure there were about a hundred more folks who wanted to write, but suddenly lost all motor control and were unable to hit the "Send" button. You are certainly forgiven--who could have known such a fate would have befallen you at such a critical time?

Anyway, to complete the story, surely you know that the moment I found the receipt it was no longer God giving me a tip for doing a good job on the yard, it was “someone else’s money.” Proving I would never make it in politics or real estate development, I knew that I had to get it to its rightful owner.

After I posted my entry this morning, I walked down the street to SouthTrust at about 9:30 to see how this would work. It’s not that I don’t trust banks, but certain ones (which shall remain nameless) have a tendency to bridle at non-standard requests, such as finding the rightful owner of some nice juicy lucre.

[A note on banks in general; it’s all well and good to spend lots of other people’s dough on acres of marble and granite and terrazzo and chrome plated elevator doors—helps the economy, pays the bills for my brothers in the design professions, impresses people that you are successfully fulfilling your duty to spend lots of dough—but I would really be much more pleased if you didn’t lay out so much cash on fixed assets and save it to spend on hiring entertaining staff. I would like banks much better if every teller was a fashion model who could do stand-up. And if there were beverage carts. And if there were nice comfy chairs. But I digress…]

I stood in line for a minute or two, and proceeded to explain to the teller my quandary. Puzzled look, and instructions that she couldn’t give out information on accountholders. “Well, can’t you just deposit it in their account?” No. She pointed to two desks on opposite sides of the lobby and said I would need to speak to one of those people. (Now you see the point of my digression—had she looked like Debra Jo Fondren, been clad in a stunning Versace pocket handkerchief, and done a quick riff on being frisked at the airport, I would have been much happier. Sorry, no more digressions, I promise.)

Anyway, on to The Desk People. The female version was a Janet Reno clone and was with a customer, and the male version looked to be about 12 and was on the phone, so I figured I would go hover over the boy until he hung up. He hung up as I was walking over, thankfully, and I introduced myself and the situation. He sat down, squinted at the account number, looked it up on the computer and called out the address—it was the street right behind ours, which I figured would be the case—it had to be pretty close by. He asked if I wanted him to call them and I said yes and he did and they weren’t home. “Can’t you just deposit it in their account and send them a note to let them know what happened and why there’s $30 in their account?” With the razor-sharp thinking skills obtainable only by long hours of sitting at a desk, Doogie said “Well, I was going to suggest that. Do you want me to tell them you found it?” I told him just to say one of the neighbors found it, and so he filled out a new deposit slip and said he would get a note in the mail to them with an explanation. He thanked me and shook my hand and said it was certainly an odd thing to have happened and that not everyone would have given it back.

Maybe, maybe not. I just hope the neighbors find their other $20. That, and I’m glad I didn’t bring the Birmingham banking industry to a grinding halt.



I laughed, I cried, I Fisked my pants! Quite frankly one of the finest Scourgings of Richard Cohen ever produced. There is dancing, drama, flaming straw men, and a wonderful new song that is sure to be a hit:

But, how about a I-Feel-Like-I’m-Fixin’-To-Sigh-Rag?

Come on all of you big strong men
Richard Cohen’s getting’ Scourged again.
Yeah, he’s slanderin’ Bush on Afghanistan
This week it’s gonna be Vietnam.
So get a browser, I’m almost done
Gonna have a whole lotta fun.

And its 1, 2, 3, what is he writin’ for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn.
This week it’s Vietnam.
And its 5, 6, 7, Dickie and his squirrelly hates
Well, ain’t got time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna sigh.

Yeah, S U Vs, don't be slow,
Enron, ANWR, war au-go-go
There's plenty good money to be made
In the oil business for Cheney’s mates
Just hope and pray that all the evidence
Don’t lead us to Billy Jeff.

And its 1, 2, 3, what is he writin’ for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn.
This week it’s Vietnam.
And its 5, 6, 7, Dickie and his squirrelly hates
Well, ain’t got time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna sigh.

Well, come on Democrats, let's move fast;
Your big chance has come at last.
Regain the house and the presidency
Keepin’ those Republicans in the minority
And our final sign of victory’s
When we elect President Hillary!

And its 1, 2, 3, what is he writin’ for?
Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn.
This week it’s Vietnam.
And its 5, 6, 7, Dickie and his squirrelly hates
Well, ain’t got time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna sigh.


Thursday, May 23, 2002

Deep in the Mullet Belt
Sarge chronicles Day II: Crossing Tennessee the Long Way. (He's in the military so he says "dam" a lot.)



Protesters Mock Texans After Bush's Berlin Visit
Please note that this was done from a very safe distance of approximately 4,000 miles.



Smart Chimps Can Use Hammers
And Don't Cuss When They Smash Fingers



From Larry Anderson over at the just-out-of-the-wrapper Kudzu Acres, lessons learned by a former Cold Warrior who daily faced the Bader-Meinhof Gang:
[...] I learned a couple of things from those experiences. Although we knew who was responsible, including names and faces, and that they would plant more bombs, they succeeded time after time because they had safe havens and the advantage of selecting when and where they would act. I think we will see the same thing happen here in the US. Second, the bombings stopped when the safe havens were removed with the fall of East Germany. As long as the terrorists have a place to hide and time to plan their attacks, they will succeed.

The blame game may be entertaining, but like “Survivor”, it is useless. War on terrorism is everyone’s responsibility and there are no non-combatants.

Cheers.



Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Via Emily Jones at Give War a Chance, the fearsome dweller of the Cave of Caerbannog! I soiled my armour I was so scared!



Tuesday evening I took Little Boy for a haircut, and when we got home found out that my wife had allowed the girls to be kidnapped by the folks next door. Our kids had been playing “see who can scream loudest and run wildly through the back yard terrorizing the neighbor’s cat” when the neighbor’s teenaged daughter came in from school. They all screamed loudly and ran wildly over to the edge of the yard and waved and waved and said hey and waved, which made Neighbor Girl laugh and invite them to come over and play. Sucker.

They were all still over there when I got back, so I sent Jonathan to the neighbor’s back door. Knock-knock. Nothing. “Knock again, buddy!” Again, no response. Reba—“I think you’ll have to go over there and get ‘em.” ::sigh::

Knowing that my three girls in someone else’s house is not A Good Thing, I sort of dreaded going and finding out what all had been broken and who had gotten pounded in the head. I went over and stuck my head in the back door and quietly called, but again no response, although I could hear shrieking and high-pitched giggling from somewhere in the house. ::sigh::

Go to front door and ring bell. Waiting, I can hear a piano being “played” inside—loudly, with the syncopated non-rhythmic pounding that can only be accomplished by a feral five year old. Russ the Neighbor Dad comes to the door and I sheepishly ask how much they have destroyed. “Aw, their fine!” I hear the older two shouting at each other upstairs and see a flash of curls fly up the steps “Hide! Daddy’s here to takes us to home!” I stick my head in and tell them to come on, and by now Neighbor Daughter has come downstairs to the door and flashed a wicked grin, “I hope you don’t mind, but I let them have a Popsicle while they were here!” “Just not enough destruction for you, eh?”

She said they had been fine, too. The flash of curls comes flying back by and I hear the piano torture start up again, and just then Little Boy comes running up and says “Mama says to tell you the Brother Drew and Brother Jim are coming by.” ::sigh:: Our preacher and elders have been trying to get by and visit everyone in the congregation and it had finally gotten to be our turn.

“Y’all come ON! The preacher’s coming over!” They finally pound out of the house, and I apologize to Russ the Neighbor Dad for them once more and detain them long enough to get them to say thanks to Neighbor Daughter for the Popsicles.

Back at our house, supper was almost ready and the kids were buttocks over elbows in the den picking up the accumulated detritus of their childhood. Reba said that she almost told the preacher no, but that they were going to get to us eventually, and at least we could get the den picked up. ::sigh::

Power Rangers and Barbies and balls and books and books and stickers and small bits of paper and cards and books and Obi-Wan and R2-D2 and books and crayons and pillows and shoes and elastic ponytail holders and Game-Boys and books and string all disappeared somewhere. I even got the vacuum out and made a few passes and by the time we were finished, one room of our house looked almost presentable. Must have been the ingestion of mass quantities of Popsicles. We ate, and then I sent the older girls to their rooms with explicit instructions to REMAIN in their rooms for the duration and NOT to sneak over and start a fight. Sullen “Yes, sir” from Oldest Girl, chipper “Yes, sir!” from Middle Girl. Boy was given explicit instructions to get upstairs and take a bath and wash all the little hair clippings out of his hair and not to fight with his sisters. Silly “Yes, SIR, my Daddy SIR!” administered with exaggerated hand salute. “And YOU,” as I pointed at The Wrecking Ball, “will stay down here with Mama and Daddy so we can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not tearing something up!” (Because Daddy would get hauled to jail were he to tie you to the tree stump outside and leave you with a bowl of water and a blanket.)

Finally the doorbell rings and we bring them all in—the preacher has brought his younger brother who is going to intern with us this summer and work with the young people. Jim the Elder makes his way in, too, and the first thing out of his mouth is an urgent “Hey, glad to see you, can I use your bathroom!?” I take him through the dining room and find out where all of the stuff from the den got put. “Please, just close your eyes, Jim!” “That’s okay, they’re floating and about to pop outta my head, so I can’t see anything!” Good man.

We settle down and have a good time talking. I ask how their visits are going and we talk church business and try to corral Catherine as she bounces around and inserts herself into the conversation, which inexorably turns to child-rearing tips. Our preacher is married but doesn’t have any kids yet, so Jim the Elder (who also has four kids—ranging from mid-20s to 4) and Reba and I interspersed the mission trip talks and class schedule talks with the accumulated wisdom that comes from matching wits with children.

Did you know that the cure for a child who angrily slams her bedroom door is to simply remove the door from its hinges? Did you know that the best way to answer the taunt “I’m gonna RUN AWAY!” is to calmly agree, conditioned upon allowing the child to take away only what he came into the world with? Did you know that children are very concerned about disturbing their parents, and so will wake them up at 2 a.m. to tell them not to worry, they are only going to the potty? Did you know that if a child gets sick in bed at night and does a Technicolor Yawn, he more than likely will do it again, and so it is therefore better to not allow him the comfort of returning to sleep in YOUR bed?

The Bible is a great book, but I guess there are a few things that God in His wisdom decided folks should figure out on their own.

During most of our conversation, Catherine plopped down on the couch between the preacher and his brother and interrupted to chatter about kitties and horses and school and her beach shoes and her smelly toes and her teacher and her Mama’s gallstones and her Daddy sleeps in his underwear. Occasionally she would get up to twirl herself around, or to throw her baby doll into its carriage to be dragged around, or pull out the giant inflatable Barbie chair and try to knock over the semi-antique drum table with it. Thankfully, she did not pick her nose or fart. Not that it would have mattered.

The two older girls did manage to not start a border war, although they did make a couple of trips downstairs to deliver vital intelligence to Mom about the nefarious plots the other had underway. I told them to make sure they told Tom Daschle, too. “Huh?” “Just get back upstairs, Daddy’s just trying to be funny.”

Anyway, it got late and our guests excused themselves and I finally got to breathe a ::sigh:: of relief rather than exasperation. What a long evening, and even longer before all of them got their baths and got into bed.

The weirdest thing was what happened last night. We got out of church and were headed home, and Reba said that the preacher’s wife pulled her aside after church and told her “You know, Drew got home last night and couldn’t quit talking about all of Terry’s parenting advice—he was really impressed!”

Somehow, I managed to snooker someone else into believing I know what I’m talking about.

I asked Reba if she tried to talk some sense into her and she said “Nah, they’ll find out when they have their own, bless their hearts.”



Worth Reading
Elizabeth Spiers of Capital Influx holds forth on business books:
[...] One of the scourges of the business book genre is its overreliance on metaphor, and inevitable transformation of popular metaphors into industry jargon. If someone tells me, for example, that they're looking for a "gorilla" stock, I know they're referring to Geoffrey Moore's "The Gorilla Game." Normal people do not. It gets especially annoying when the metaphors are so ubiquitous that people mix them with reckless disregard for how ridiculous they sound. "I'm looking for a gorilla that will cross the chasm by living on the right side of the fault line." That sentence is completely incomprehensible if you haven't read Moore's books or don't have the aid of a trusty Moore-to-English dictionary. (Don't get me wrong; Moore's a smart guy, but most of his key ideas could probably be distilled into a 20 page white paper - without the metaphors.)

Of course, my general disdain for business books may have something to do with my general snobbery, which I've never taken any great pains to conceal. I put self-help books, along with business books, in that category of disgusting bourgeois affectations that I hope never to acquire despite being disgustingly bourgeois myself. [...]
Know your strengths. I think Peter Drucker said that. Or maybe it was Sam Drucker on Petticoat Junction. In any event, Miss Elizabeth knows her books and knows about money. Ignore her bourgeois words of wisdom at your peril. (And somehow she even manages to work in a link to Possumblog!)



Ooooo, a little bunny rabbit! I will rub him, and pat him, and call him "George."
Steven Den Beste gets a letter demanding conformance to an idea he doesn't agree with.
[...] But to demand that I apologize for an idea simply because you don't like it is to miss the point: it isn't wrong for me to say things you don't like, and it is actively wrong for you to try to force me to change my opinions against my will. I think that George's problem wasn't so much that he himself didn't want to read what I'd written as that he didn't want anyone else to, either. George wanted an apology and penance from me to undo the damage I had done by expressing my opinion on the subject. At that point, George crossed the line.

George has his own web site, which I will not link because I do not reward pretentiousness. George has his own platform for distributing his point of view. George doesn't want to compete in the marketplace of ideas; he wants to suppress my opinions that he disagrees with and prevent me from expressing them.

It doesn't matter what specifically I said with which George disagreed. George has the right to disagree with me. He has the right to post his own opposing opinions on his own web site. But he doesn't have the right to demand that I retract my own opinion unless he can prove that I've violated one of a very small number of relevant laws on the subject – and I didn't.

I will not apologize for holding an extreme opinion on a subject. I will not apologize because others find that opinion objectionable. I have done nothing to apologize for, and I certainly have done nothing requiring atonement. I am using my Constitutional Right to express my opinion, and I spend a great deal of money each month to support distribution of my opinions. I take not a dime from anyone to help pay for it.

I deeply resent the implication that I'm not permitted to post anything unless George agrees with it. If George would like an apology, I would need to know which of his bodily orifices he would like me to insert it into. [...]
Well, slap me silly! George is none other than J Bowen of No Watermelons Allowed! Here is his take on the whole mess.
[...] But the original post was more heated than what I usually write, and I took another look after I had sent the email. Then I recognized the faulty parallel, which had been my inspiration for proposing an apology. So I took the post back down, noted it as having been changed to what you see in the previous post, and reposted it. Whoops, I guess I shouldn't have sent the courtesy email.

Then I checked my email. SDB had written a calm, reasoned email that noted a couple of things I had written. Crap - he'd already seen the original version. I replied that I had revised and reposted, and but for an innocuous title change (I think the original was "Let's put this one to rest") the post has remained the same since.

I went on to something else, then about 10 or so I picked up email #2 asking me who I was to ask for an apology, etc. Yes, the tone had changed. What I didn't know at the time was that subsequently he had also replied on his blog at greater length.

In reply I noted that we had crossed in the mail and I had already told him about the recall. Then I got his 3rd reply, which directed me to his post without comment. I had just come back from that when I saw the comment to the previous post where Godless Capitalist figured out who "George" was.

I leave it to the reader to determine the accuracy of Mr. Den Beste's characterization of my initial post, which in any case had been withdrawn well before his post appeared (note that he's in San Diego, CA, 2 hours behind me), and he had also been notified of this.

I must say, I learned a lot about myself. For one, I'm pretentious. Also, I'm trying to suppress alternate points of view (where have I heard that line before?).

On the other hand, who else can claim that Mr. Den Beste has mentioned their bodily orifices on his blog? Do you suppose I could sell pictures of them?

C'est la vie. We've all learned something new now, haven't we?



A Bunch of Liars
Via The Birmingham News:
[...] The jury's foreman delivered the verdict shortly after 1:30 p.m. and Circuit Judge James Garrett asked Cherry, 71, whether he had anything to say. The man who years ago beat blacks with brass knuckles and pistol butts stood, turned and pointed to the white prosecutors who sent him to prison for life. He called one a punk.

"This whole bunch lied all the way through this thing," Cherry said. "I told the truth. I don't know why I'm going to jail for nothing." [...]
Awfully bold talk for a man portrayed by his attorneys as unable to assist in his own defense.


Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Over on my GeoCities site (not the old Possumblog site, but the original one) where I keep a few pre-blog stories and links and stuff, I have one pretty long story that deals with one of the few times all the planets aligned properly and the family and I spent a whole day without getting lost, having an unfortunate bladder control incident, or being late. We went to the pediatrician, the eye doctor, out to eat, made a couple of trips to Wal-Mart, went and saw Atlantis (with my own snotty movie review)--more or less the same crap I talk about now. Every once in a while I like to check the stats for these pages, just to see how people wind up there. There are never more than about two or three hits per week, and I know no one goes there intentionally, because it’s just one story about the banalities of my life (as opposed to the exciting updated-daily blog version), but it is funny to see what folks think might be on there, based on their Google search strings:

walmart eye doctor
eye exam caution dilation
real doctor optometry
storyboards for baby commercials
frightening tongue depressor exam
baby blowing out candles animation
trussville punk
meat boy at walmart
waspy baby names
wallyworld daddy

Put them all together and they spell Possumblog.



Guilty!
Good.



Remains Found in DC Could Be Levy's
Condit's Sphincter Issues Audible Pucker



The Nation's Anti-Terrorism Efforts, Then and Now
From Newhouse News Service, a bright young fellow named James holds forth about the sea change in interagency cooperation post 9/11.

Beware the wenned one.



I come back from lunch, and apparently things have settled back down in The House That Ev Built. Posting looks like it works again, so the English language is once more in peril.



Well, something's wrong somewhere in the great Blogger/Blogspot continuum, and posts that were showing up an hour ago are not showing up now, even though it says my FTP is working. Hurrumph. Back in my day decent people used manual Remingtons to do this stuff.



A Storm in Flanders
Just picked up Winston Groom's newest last night. I haven't read any of it yet, but just looking at the photographs sent a cold shiver down my spine. That, along with the knowledge that what occurred along the Ypres Salient shaped the last century, and continues to influence this one.



Our Kind of Yankee
Via Chris Johnson over at the Midwest Conservative Journal, a sharp article by John Shelton Reed.
There has always been more to New York City than the "people who run things." Ever since the heyday of Jacksonian Democracy, an on-again off-again alliance has existed between ordinary Southerners (that is, most of us) and New York's working people. After the Civil War and Reconstruction, this coalition was famously described as one of "rum, Romanism and rebellion." Later, it elected Franklin Roosevelt to four terms. Later still, it reassembled to elect Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan.

Most Southerners who know New York (I lived there for five years) know that there's a kind of outer-borough New York guy (it's almost always a guy) we get along with just fine. He is working-class and usually Irish, Jewish or Italian, but these days sometimes black or Latino. He is what historian Paul Fussell called a "high prole," largely defined by his skills and "pride and a conviction of independence." When Mr. Fussell identifies disdain for social climbing, fondness for hunting and gambling and sports, and unromantic attitudes toward women as his other traits, Southerners should recognize the Northern variety of what we used to call a "good old boy" (before the label escaped captivity and lost all precision). "A solid, reliable, unpretentious, stand-up, companionable, appropriately loose, joke-sharing feller," in the description of Roy Blount Jr.



Good friend Tarheel Marc Velazquez of Spudlets fame sends the following:
Jeff Foxworthy doesn't have quite enough money - can you help? You might want to consider putting one of these in the gift bag for future Axis of Weevil members. I was trying to imagine how to include a Possumblogger for the line, but I couldn't come up with any snappy descriptions.

http://www.foxworthysfolks.com/
Collectible Redneck Figurines. Or Redneck Collectible Figurines.

So very wrong...yet, so very compelling.

From the Foxworthysfolks website:
Zach Steed of Steed Products says, "'Foxworthys Folks by R. David Boyd' capitalizes on the popularity of collectibles and a growing trend in Redneck humor as evidenced by the extraordinary success of the Foxworthy greeting card line and other merchandise."

We further believe these figurines will become especially coveted by collectors not only because of the quality of the craft -- they are molded from sculptures from the hands of R. David Boyd, and individually hand painted -- but also because of their ability to touch on the timeless trend of celebrity memorbilia [sic]. Jeff Foxworthy is unarguably one of the most successful and most liked comedians of all time, and each of these figurines carries a redneck story by Jeff printed on its base. These are collectibles with universal appeal. After all, rednecks are everywhere.

Now is your opportunity to buy the Premier Edition of Foxworthy's Folks by R. David Boyd, and check back here often to see what's next in this fun line of figures.
All ten figurines may be purchased as a set for $249.00, or individually for $24.99. I'm sure the Possumblogger figurine will be released in the next round of ten.

I can hardly wait.


Tuesday, May 21, 2002

Due to having to pay the bills and stave off creditors, there will be no creamy and delicious Possumblog until tomorrow afternoon. Also, thanks again to the folks dropping by from DailyPundit--as always, I am completely unprepared for guests. Just prop your feet up and turn on the TV and I'll try to find something in the refrigerator for us.



Era Will Pass With Retirement of NIH Glassblower
Via Bruce Taylor Seeman of the Newhouse News Service, the story of Bill Dehn, glassblower.
Some of Dehn's creations helped scientists streamline their work or conduct unlikely tests. One creation allowed gas to slowly seep into a compartment to anesthetize a fruit fly. Another was a "mouse milker" -- an arrangement of tiny glass suction cups that pulled milk from a mouse's teats. It was used in a breast cancer experiment. "It works!" an excited lab technician told Dehn shortly after an initial test. "Now I don't have to stand there and get bitten any more."

Today the device is made from plastic, Dehn said.

[Dr. Kenneth] Spring said Dehn broke important ground by creating glass tubes that carry several liquids at once. The liquids are kept separate by tiny interior dividing walls. "Bill Dehn is probably the best glass blower I've ever seen," said Spring. "I've been doing research since 1968; I've seen a lot of glass blowers."

[...] The finest objects, Dehn says, are not just useful. They're pretty.

"To some people, it wouldn't be anything," Dehn says, holding one custom-made piece that had collected dust on an office shelf. "But for people who know science, who know what it's used for, who know how difficult it is to make, they may see the artistic ability in it."
As someone who has had to fill a bow pen and use it to draw circles with a compass on vellum, I know whereof he speaks. On a medium-sized job with a lot of niggling details, I could still probably put together a complete set of handdrawn construction documents faster than a CAD operator, and it would have a sense of style and interesting little bits of stuff tucked away to make a sharp-eyed contractor chuckle.

But like John Henry, the effort would kill me.



UPDATE: Apparently my pitiful self-deprecation struck a chord with the inventor of the term "Blogosphere" and the benevolent writer of DailyPundit, William Quick, who took the time to add me to his set of permalinks. Thank you DailyPunditMan, and my sincerest regrets to everyone who visits with the expectation of finding high-quality examples of writerly spendor--this is available only after you leave my site. But, for those who just can't get enough foolishness written by a very large, dense member of the Alabama Sport Blogging Society aka The Axis of Weevil, you have come to the right place. For those who aren't quite sure about this place, don't worry--it is non-toxic and washes up with warm soapy water.



A Day Without the Scourging of Illiberal Utopian Statists is a Day Without Sunshine
Shaking off the remaining cobwebs of the Midwest Blogbash, Axis of Weevil Grand Inquisitor Charles Austin asks the eternal question "Why is Richard Cohen so very stupid." Charles then proceeds to roll Mr. Cohen about in his fingers like a small booger.



InstaPundit has moved into spiffy new digs, but still inexplicably with no links to Possumblog. Where else can people go for such tripe as this? Yeah, I realize there are half a million blogs out there--but only one has the courage to associate itself with large, furry, ratlike marsupials. Surely that must count for something! I mean, the warblog content and political content of Possumblog has been light lately, but the inane chatter level is still quite high. And of course, there is the Axis of Weevil, which has just added two brand new planters full of seasonal color at the front entrance to the World Headquarters complex. The parking lot even has a new gravel to replace what got washed away in the last storm.



Tale of the Lug Nut, Part the Second

The Epilogue of the Wal-Mart Tire Trip and Damaged Lug Nut Story. Lotsa words with very little significance, but at least the admission price is free. So, to begin…

I called the Pontiac dealership near my house yesterday afternoon to see just how much this replacement lug nut was going to set my good friends at the House of Sam back. The service lady first said the tab would be $60 or $80 or so, and I explained I only needed (or hoped I needed) a lug nut put back on, not a complete replacement of the stud. “Oh, well that should be around $20.” Not looking like an excellent adventure at all for Bill and Ted.

On the way home I stopped at AutoZone and bought a lug nut. 99 cents. $1.07 with tax. Took it home, spun it on and torqued it down. Fixed. Took five minutes, three of which were spent getting the lug wrench out of the trunk.

Now several things start running through my mind—why didn’t THEY just go get a lug nut and put it on? Is it worth it to take back a receipt for $1.07 just to make a point? How will this sound as a blog entry?

I rehearsed the potential exchange in my head—I would show up at the service desk and very seriously say that I had my lug nut replaced and I had the bill and remind the manager that he said they would pay for it. The manager I imagined would be an older guy, a bit heavyset with glasses, and would have a certain gravitas that said “boss;” maybe he even had his own shop before succumbing to the lure of steady Wally World work. He would have a stern but harried look on his face, a look of resignation at having to spend all of the store’s profit from four cheapo tires on some goober on a quest to be a big man. He might try to protest, or not. Hard to say.

Then I would plonk down my receipt for $1.07 and grin a bit, and he would loosen up and I would tell him he dodged a bullet because the dealership wanted 20 bucks to put it on. He would finally chuckle and say something like even though he thought this was too much, and he wasn’t really responsible for the damage, that he would pay it anyway just to keep a good customer, and then he would ask me if I wanted that credited to my credit card or as a store credit, and I would laugh and say cash would be fine and he would crack the register and hand me a dollar and a nickel and two pennies. Then we would chat a bit about the technicians and I would say I knew they didn’t mean to mess it up and how hard it is to get guys who really cared about their work, and he would say that he has tried to get them to be sure and tell customers when something like this happens, and we would have a little side chat about how Keanu Dude was just a little too much of a loose cannon—nice guy but squirrely, and finally I would bid him good-bye to let him finish up.

Quite the little fantasy land I had constructed for myself there, folks.

I called first to make sure they were open. It was about 7:30. I got the manager on the phone, but only asked him what time they closed—“7:00 p.m.” I figured he was just finishing up for the day and would be there a bit longer, so I gathered up my receipt and hit the road. I got there a few minutes later and there were stacks of customers still waiting for their cars. Spicoli was at the register ignoring the couple in front of him. He was chatting very intently with a guy behind the counter who was as skinny and wrinkled as a Slim Jim. Short, sunburnt, long stringy blonde mullet, wrap-around shades on top of his head (remembering that it is now nearly 8 p.m. and he is indoors), homemade tattoos running up both ropey arms, hollow rheumy eyes, pack of smokes in his hand. Looked about fifty, was probably thirty. I saw his name tag. He was the manager.

They finally figured out what was wrong with the customers’ bill in front of me and sent them on their way. I moved up and they went back to working on damage control from the last customers. Talk, talk, point at computer, talk, cough up a lung, talk, shake head, peer, mumble, cough. I stand there. Take one more step forward. Am studiously ignored. Finally, they give up trying to read the entrails and decide to figure out what the fat guy wants.

They turn toward me. “You waiting on a car?”

“Uh, no, I talked to you on the phone Saturday. I had the car in for four tires and one of the lug nuts got damaged and you said to bring you the receipt and I would be reimbursed.”

Blank, dead look, right about at my collar button. “You got your receipt?”

“Yes, right here, for a whopping dollar and seven cents.”

Spicoli broke into a huge grin, and I could hear him thinking “EX-cellennnnnt!” The manager laid his smokes down, picked up the receipt and started walking toward the front—“I’ve gotta go get this from The Front.” It could have been a receipt for a fifty, a hundred, or a thousand, it didn’t seem to make a difference one way or the other. One dollar, fifty dollars—it only meant having to go to The Front.

Another customer asked for his car, Spicoli pointed the way, and we spend a couple of uncomfortable minutes waiting for the Return of The Manager. “Yeah, he like, had to go up to The Front for that.” Wait. “Oh, cool, there he is!” I look over and the manager is back, for some reason looking at stuff on one of the aisles. He turns and walks back over and mumbles something to Keanu, who digs out his wallet and produces a dollar bill. “They take forever up at The Front. Here’s a dollar, and…” The manager digs out two pennies from the pocket of his jeans…“and two cents. That all?” Same blank eyes, now fixed somewhere about three feet behind me.

“Yeah. That’s all. Thanks.”

I figure there is absolutely no use in stretching this out any longer to explain that two cents is not equal to seven cents. There is no jovial give and take, no small talk about the value of good service, no wink and nudge about Spicoli being such a doof (having reached the conclusion that he is the smart one—that old ‘one-eyed man in the land of the blind’ thing), no commiserating about the good old days when cars were simple and you could fix one in your yard, no thanks for not screwing the store for $60. Nothing. Meaning what, exactly? Got me, there, pal. Had I known my attempt to make a point about a matter of principle would have gotten no response, I would have just forgotten about it. I guess I just had to go see if it would make a difference. Here, meet my friend Sancho Panza.

(By the way, don’t feel sorry that I took out my useless it’s-the-principle-of-the-thing on the counter guys. I worked in a grocery store long, long ago—I know all about shrinkage and I guarantee you that Wal-Mart lost a whole lot more than a dollar over this.)

Oh well. If nothing else, it gave me something to vent about. Next time I think I need tires, maybe I’ll reread this.

Nahhh.


Monday, May 20, 2002

Patrick Carver has moved The Ole Miss Conservative over to Blogspot. The new address is http://www.patrickcarver.blogspot.com/



Congratulations to Axis of Weevil's Minister of Finance Elizabeth Spiers of Capital Influx for being chosen as one of Blogger's Blogs of Note!



HAH! Survived another weekend!

Friday evening was supposedly going to be a makeup day for Little Buddy to make up an earlier rained out game. The weather had been a bit soupy, but the fields were open, so I gathered up Boy and started out the door with Curious Georgette and Middle Girl and the sack of drinks and snacks we were assigned to bring to the LAST rained-out game. Reba managed to miss the ensuing fun due to having to ferry Oldest Girl to a sleepover.

We made it to the park with about five minutes to spare, and met up with Reba’s mom and dad, who were all excited about seeing Only Grandson play—they had missed all the rest. Boy runs around for a minute or two and it gets to be time to start. Whistle blows, arms and legs, a couple of outs of bounds, rain, lightning, whistle blows, game called. Over in about five minutes. Oh well. Grab snacks and drinks, assorted children, folding chair, water bottle, umbrella and head home. The rest of the evening is devoted to following FOX6’s David Neal (the weatherman Mac Thomason over at War Liberal poked fun at a few weeks back—with extreme accuracy) as he peered intently at hook echoes and rotation indications and watch boxes; and watched breathless reports from Rubenesque Reporter Ronda Robinson at City Stages as she stood outside in torrents of rain and urged people to take shelter.

Saturday was a typical late-fall, early-winter day. Gray, constant wind of about 20 knots, low 40s. I don’t know what it was, but Alabama in May it certainly was NOT!

Everyone back to the park and watch Little Boy get smacked right in the mouth and nose with a flaming fast kick right at the goal. They didn’t score, but Lil’ Mister Head Trauma had to sit down and cry for a bit and get some water. I stayed with him until he said, “I can’t see the game, Daddy.” “Do you want me to go sit back down?” “Yes sir.” I looked back down the line in a few minutes and he was laughing and cutting up again, so I suppose he was okay. He went back in after a few more minutes and did fine, although they wound up losing. This was their last game, so it was kind of disappointing to lose, but they didn’t seem to care because they were going to get to go to the movies. Of course, since Rebecca’s game was at the same time all the little guys were going to the movie, we decided to swap our tickets for a later show.

After we did the ticket swap, Reba took the rest of the crew back to the house, and I set out for one of my signature three-county soccer trips, except this time I left the truck at home. No use terrorizing everyone in Alabaster again with gasoline-fueled bazooka fire. Of course, using the car showed me just how badly I needed to spend money on a set of tires. They have been a bit lumpy for a while, but progressively have gotten worse to the point that Saturday it felt like I was riding along in Fred Flintstone’s flivver. There was no speed at which the harmonic imbalances of four square tires would balance themselves out, so chalk up something else to spend money on. But, I figured (because I am a figuring fool) that I could save some time by dropping it off at the only store in town where you can buy tampons and tires, and then pick it up after we go to the movies. I really need to give up this insane desire to save time. More on that later.

Anyway, we get to the park with about five minutes to spare and fortunately the weather had warmed up to a balmy 45 degrees, with a nice stiff breeze. The girls played so hard this time, and Rebecca especially played well forward and broke up several plays, but alas, they lost once more, 1-0. The lone goal came as the other team was setting up to shoot and one of their girls took a very hard face-first fall. She laid there and didn’t get up and all of the girls stopped playing. The referee didn’t stop play though, and as the other team’s coach started out onto the field, one of their girls kicked the ball into the goal. Score one. Then the game stopped. Somehow, I don’t think I would have wanted to win that way. In any event, as soon as the coach got out there, the girl jumped up and grinned and ran back off the field. Hmm. Whatever.

Back in the car, back across three counties, back home and it was time to turn back around and go meet up with the little guys at Sonic. We sat there for a little while waiting on them to get back from the movie, and were entertained by three of the waitresses chasing a gang of their little brothers around. The boys were so proud of themselves for getting away, and all I could think of is the day when they would want to get caught. Jonathan’s team trickled in after the movie, and I went on to drop off the car.

I like Wal-Mart a bunch, but I had vowed after my last oil change when they screwed up the drain plug on my van that I would not use the auto service department. But the lure of cheap tires, the need for Benedryl and wheel cleaner and SpongeBob bandages, and a convenient location directly across the parking lot from the theater drew me in. I am an idiot. Always listen to yourself when you tell yourself not to do something.

I was met by the same service writer who wrote up my ill-fated oil change. If you can imagine a cross between Keanu Reaves as Ted Logan and Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli, you have set your intellectual meter a bit too high. Super nice guy, but mostly foam twixt the ears. He was helping a new worker take my order with their fancy handheld computerized satellite uplink order-taker thing. I told him I needed four, size P205/75R-15.

“‘K, like, he needs four? Yeah, four tires and so you like put in the number, which would be four, and then you need to put in the size. Do you know what size these tires are?”

“Yes, P205/75R-15.”

“’K, so you put in the size go down here like this where the sizes are—yeah, that’s right” Then she says “P255/70R-14?”

Me—“No, 205/75-15”

“Okay, P255/70R-15.”

Both Spicoli AND me—“No. Two OH five, seventy FIVE”

“Oh, there it is—P205/75R-14.”

“FIFTEEN!”

“Oh wow, sorry, got it, man, sorry about that. Did you like just want just fronts or all of them.”
::heavy sigh:: “I wanted all four changed please.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right, four! Super! You know, this thing really is great, she’s just not used to doing it like this, you know, ‘cause she used to have to like fill in a form, and then put THAT in the computer and it took a lot longer time.”

I shudder to think how it could have taken longer, but I dare not contemplate it too much for fear of my head disappearing. Got my ticket and headed over to the theater and met family with once more, about five minutes to spare before the show. Which we wasted trying to get popcorn. Which meant that by the time we got into the theater, the only place where there were six seats together was down front.

Movie review time. You haven’t seen Attack of the Clones until you’ve watched it at the base of a 20 foot high screen. Brings it into a whole new perspective, so to speak.

It wasn’t so bad, after the crick in my neck went numb. The movie itself is much better than Phantom Menace, mainly because there’s less Jar Jar and more Natalie Portman showing her emotions (which is my code word for skin.) It probably ranks up there as third on the list—The Original, followed by Empire Strikes Back, then this one. Several reviewers have mentioned the interesting bits of stuff they found, and these are some of the ones I saw (look away if you don’t want some spoilers!)

1. There is a cameo by Kermit the Frog and Oscar the Grouch in the Geonosis arena scene—they’re off to the left and Oscar gets his can flipped over. Also, when Boba Fett closes the closet in the Fett apartment on Kamino, you can see a Tickle-Me Elmo in the back.
2.Even though N*SYNC was cut out of the arena scene, they are still prominently featured in the Coruscant city chase scenes—they are playing in the bar, and can be seen with their newest CD in one of the billboards.
3. C-3PO can be heard uttering a vulgar expletive for sexual intercourse several time throughout the movie.
4. In the fight scene between Count Dooku and Yoda, Yoda’s head is briefly replaced by that of Alfred E. Newman.
5. There is a Craft Services table visible in the first scene on Tatooine.
6. When Obi-Wan puts on the clothing of the queen’s lady-in-waiting and admires himself in the mirror, you can see a camera in the reflection right before Padme enters the room.

Overall, it really is pretty good. Did I mention that Natalie Portman shows more emotion in this film? Her emotions nearly reach the point of overflowing during the fireplace scene in the lodge on Naboo. That was good. I say more emotions. The kids thoroughly enjoyed it, so I reckon it was okay. I went back to pick up the car. Yep, four new ones, all the right size. I was shocked. I got my other stuff and headed home, where I looked back over the bill.

“LUG NUT DAMAGED WHEN REMOVED COULD NOT REPLACE W/O DAMAGING BOLT”

::yet another heavy sigh:: Such an ordeal. Got the manager, who decided to put the technician on the phone to ‘splain hisself. “Uh, yeah, when I got it off, it was really bad stripped, and if I put it back on, I was afraid, ‘cause it might get cross threaded or something.” Thanks, now get me the manager again.

“Well, you see, I already understood HOW he tore it up, but I have now been left with a car with a missing lug nut that you didn’t replace and that no one told me was missing.”

Silence.

“We don’t have anything here to fix it with. What bolt pattern does it have?” “Five lug.” “Well, it’s safe do drive like that.”

“Okay, the thing is that even though it may be safe, I really would prefer it to be like it was when I brought it in, and the way it was when it left the factory. I figure if they wanted it to have five lug nuts, it really needs to have five.” I said this with a bit of a laugh, because I knew I was dancing on the edge of being one of those smart ass customers who can never be satisfied. He didn’t seem to take it that way. I could never tell if he was mad at me for calling back about it, or mad at the technician, or mad that he knew he was going to have to pay for this. “Yeah, I KNOW it’s SUPPOSED to have five, but we DON’T have a way to fix it.”

“Well then, what are we going to do about this.”

Silence. I am replaying The Missiles of October in my head.

Tersely, “Take it somewhere and have them put a nut on there and bring us the invoice and we’ll cover it.” “Oh, that’s fine then, I’ll be glad to do that. Let me just copy this down on my receipt—‘Manager says to take to shop and have them replace nut, Wal-Mart will reimburse cost’—right?” “Yeah.” “Thanks, and what was your name?” Wrote that down. “And do you have a place on the computer there on my invoice where you can enter in that you told me that this would be reimbursed?” “Yeah.” “Okay, great, well mark that down on there and I will be in to see you. Thanks for your help!” “Yeah.” It’ll be interesting to see if I can actually get them to pay this without acting like a belligerent moron. Of course, where would the fun be in that?

The rest of the weekend went off without a snag (or much sleep) and then I found myself here. So there you go.



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