Honing My Craft or,
On Being Kept Honest

We finally got everyone in bed last night about 9:30 after spending the afternoon setting up the stupendous pixie fountain and going to the hardware store to pick up a long extension cord for said fountain and a flower pot for Little Girl's apple seeds and flower bed grass killer and potting soil and to shop for more plants.

It was late, and I was tired, so I turned on Seinfeld (the filler show between the 9 and 10 pm local news) and sprawled across the foot of the bed with the final chapter of P.J. O'Rourke's CEO of the Sofa. Reba sat down beside me with one of her 1001 Landscaping Ideas for Any Budget, Unless You Have No Budget To Speak Of books. And proceeded to read it. Out loud. And put it on top of Mr. O'Rourke so I could see the pictures. Of each of the 1001 Ideas.

Announcer One--Roger, it's here that Oglesby starts making his preparations--you see him not displaying any visual cues of his being disturbed...

Announcer Two--Oh yes, quite, Philip--he has perfected the technique of pretending to listen whilst continuing to read his own material. Ah, you see there, he actually looked at one of the pictures his lovely wife is showing him. AND look at that! He simply replaced his book further down the bed to get it out from under hers! Smashing!

So I continued to read and watch TV and listen to the marvelous things you can do with a piece of plywood and broken blue-and-white plates when Reba said "Oh, this red stuff is real pretty--it's called a Burning Bush plant--we could put that over by the big planter." Keeping my head down, but not missing a beat I said, "I don't want that stuff--we'd have to keep taking off our shoes around it."

Announcer Two--Philip! Did you hear THAT! Marvelous rejoinder, delivered with impeccable timing! Didn't even move out of position!

Announcer One--Oh that WAS one for the highlight reel. Skillfully blending an irreverent, semi-mocking religious reference with the cleverness that would be right at home either in Seinfeld's apartment 5A or in one of O'Rourke's tomes, all whilst not being noticably mean or cranky!

Announcer Two--Oh no, Philip, it appears there might be some trouble...

And then she said, "Hm. Look at this, this is like that purple barberry we saw the other day at Cedar Street."

"HEY! That was funny! No shoes! That was a good one!"

Announcer One--Oh my, oh my, Roger--he's trying to contest this and it appears...

Announcer Two--Oh heavens, Philip--he's going to start begging! Such a SAD disappointment! He was on fire and now he's acting like a spoilt child!

"That was funny!"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"NO, it WAS FUNNY!"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I thought it was funny but I told myself I wasn't going to laugh."

Announcer One--Well, Roger, that really sinks him now--she has trumped his rejoinder with a resounding non-plussed attitude, and has heaped scornful PITY upon him!

Announcer Two--Good lord, Philip, it boggles the mind to see what an opponent she has been. One wonders how he will overcome such a defeat...

Announcer One--What!? Oh, my, he's closed his book and gone for the Tickle Gambit! Look at that handwork...he's all over her--when all else fails, the use of physically-induced laughter has been a life-saver for Oglesby in the past, as he is able to use his immense bulk to overwhelm opponents up to 9 stones!

Announcer Two--There it is! There it is! I see a glimmer of the faintest breath of a smile--YES! He managed to get in a good one about the level of the scapula and he quickly retreats to keep from being pummelled senseless!

"AhhhhHAAAA! I knew I could make you laugh!"

"Well, I hope you're satisfied with that..."

Announcer One--Well. Quite.

Announcer Two--Yes. I say so.
posted by Terry at 11:32:00 AM