Possumblog

Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

REDIRECT ALERT! (Scroll down past this mess if you're trying to read an archived post. Thanks. No, really, thanks.)

Due to my inability to control my temper and complacently accept continued silliness with not-quite-as-reliable-as-it-ought-to-be Blogger/Blogspot, your beloved Possumblog will now waddle across the Information Dirt Road and park its prehensile tail at http://possumblog.mu.nu.

This site will remain in place as a backup in case Munuvia gets hit by a bus or something, but I don't think they have as much trouble with this as some places do. ::cough::blogspot::cough:: So click here and adjust your links. I apologize for the inconvenience, but it's one of those things.


Tuesday, November 26, 2002

As predicted...

I am up to my ample behind with stuff to do today, and have only had the briefest of opportunities to check the blogroll this morning. I did notice that Delaware's Finest Fritz Schranck is having himself a birthday today, so I sent him a ridiculous e-mail version of The Beatles "You Say It's Your Birthday." The pure delight of such a thoughtful deed on my part sent him into paroxysms of glee, to the point of donning an Ed Grimleyesque red shirt and high-waisted black pants and perfoming the Dance of Joy as he sent his return e-mail. Being the Very Largest Ed Grimley Fan Type Person Upon the Planet, I Must Say, I was as pleased as pleased could be to see that Fritz was a fellow fan, and sent him back ANOTHER e-mail suggesting we should make plans for a big jam session on the triangle. ::ting:: And then something happened that has never happened to me in my entire life.

I was shoveling papers around the desk and the telephone rang. Now despite the silly cornpone act I sometimes put on here and other places, whenever I first answer the phone I always use my very professional Midwest television anchor voice--rich, deep, manly, and devoid of regional cues, and today made even more husky and masculine by the world's worst case of pneumocrappiness. After I determine the identity of the person, I will either switch to Efficient Bureaucrat, Clueless Bureaucrat, Lazy Bureaucrat, Educated Guy Caught in a Bureaucracy, Somewhat Friendly Acquaintance, or full bore Down Home Boy modes, depending on the caller.

Ringring--"This is Terry Oglesby."

"Hi Terry, this is Fritz Schranck."

Do what?! Wow! IT'S HIM! "Well, HEY THERE!"

What a fun call! And a first, because in close to a year of blogging, I have never talked live and in person to another blogger. Oh, lots and lots of fun (and serious) e-mails, but never a voice at the other end. Until today.

We covered just about all topics known to man--the new Apple commercials, in which Fritz found that Teen Girl Culture transcends mere distance? you know? like, because everyone dresses and acts the same? Which then took us to our plan to outlaw the Internet, then on to taxes, Delaware corporations, working in government, libel, slander, our respective volumes of e-mail (he--one per day, me--one per day, hate mail--none for either), being spambotted by a domain jumper using your own name to spam you with secret methods of increasing the size of the old John Thomas, tips on increasing traffic from Google using such innocuous words as "hole," "monkey," and "hot," family, Erma Bombeck, if this blog makes my butt look big ('yes' was the consensus), birthdays (343 ain't old, by the way), blogging, blogging, bloggers, blogs, trolls, blogging, barbecue...Stop here. Imagine sitting at your desk and hearing someone talking about slow cooking a Boston butt all day long so that by the end of the day, the meat just falls off the bone. I nearly gnawed the mouthpiece off the phone. Then it was on to various smoked pig eateries, holiday travel, and finally a promise that should the Schranck family every cross the border of the Cotton State, there will be another call placed and much fun will be had. Much to the mortification of our children, as we will each be nattily dressed as Ed Grimley.

::ting::


Monday, November 25, 2002

Well, now, THAT was a weekend!

Movie, popcorn, Christmas shopping, sleeping in, Christmas shopping, barbecue, football, hot and sour soup--wow.

Friday night we got the kids loaded up and taken to the grandparents. I had thought we might get to eat before James Bonding, but we got such a late start that we just went on to the theater.

Movie Review Time (With Spoilers of a Sort--scroll way down to miss them) As I mentioned last week, I was looking forward to this movie--I've had to sit through some mildly enjoyable non-guy stuff and it was time for some mindless action and women in danger. The 007 movies are also good from the Miss Reba perspective, because she tells me that Bond is hot. Which is a good thing after the movie is over. Nuff about that.

Die Another Day more or less follows the familiar Bond formula--opening gun barrel montage, first Bad Situation, escape, capture, escape, hook up with Unknown Good Girl, chase bad guys, get help from former bad guy, manage to get in trouble with Unknown Bad Girl/Mistress of Evil Guy, get captured, yack yack yack, cut some wires, escape, find out true plan, countdown clock, break into secret lair, yack yack yack, destroy it and Evil Guy/Girl, nearly die in escape, wind up in bed with Good Girl. And there are Toys--lasers, satellites, guns, got his Aston Martin back now, Q.

I really, REALLY wanted to like this one, and while it was going on I tried my best to keep my mind in Neutral and not notice the stupid stuff, but when it gets so distracting that you wind up saying "But why doesn't he just...," or "That's a dumb...," or "Madonna!?..." it's probably not a good thing. Yeah, several days later, you might want to start asking those question, but during the opening is probably not the sign of good Bond goodness to come. As witnessed by...

Opening sequence, packing a suitcase full of "conflict diamonds" with hidden C-4. I know it's C-4, because it says so in BIG LETTERS ON THE WRAPPER! "Gee, James, is this C-4 or Velveeta?--Oh wait, it's here on the label." Dumb.

North Korean "conflict diamond" smuggler dude with a stable full of exotic cars parked in the mud. Dumb.

North Koreans using hovercraft to scoot around DMZ. Great idea, won't blow up the land mines, especially useful when NO ONE IS EVER WATCHING or LISTENING, which happens a lot in the DMZ. "Sergeant, there's this big ol' boat thing flying around the minefield!" "'Sawright son, probably just some kids playing." Dumb.

Evil North Korean gets a faceful of "conflict diamond" shrapnel. Which stays imbedded in his face the entire movie. Despite access to weird science project DNA replication therapy that turns you into someone else. Despite the fact that a lobotomized chimp with a tweezer could have gotten them out. Dumb.

Bond gets captured and imprisoned in North Korea. FOR 14 MONTHS. Look, he's James Bond. No one captures James Bond for fourteen everlovin' months! Dumb, and disrespectful of the character.

Bond grows luxurious mane of hair and beard while in prison, is released looking like John Walker Lindh or Howard Hughes. Dumb. Made me want to smack him.

Bond is taken to MI6 hospital and quarantined. M comes in and Pierce Brosnan does this weird, affected, finger-pointing thing. British agents do not vulgarly point at their audience. Makes you wonder what the director was telling him--"Pierce, even though you two are the only two folks in the shot, I want everyone to know exactly to whom you're talking, so point right at Judith several times while you talk. Hmm? No, don't try to make your gestures make sense. Just randomly point while you talk. See? Just point, say your lines, point. And walk funny while you do it. That way it'll look like you're angry. And remember to point. ACTION!" Dumb.

Bond easily escapes from the hospital, which is on a boat in Hong Kong Harbor. When informed, M says, "Well, that's what he's trained to do." SO WHY COULDN'T HE GET OUT OF KOREA!? Dumb.

Bond gets sent to Cuba by the Chinese, where everyone speaks English and waves firearms around and there's this island clinic where they do the DNA school project. Dumb.

Halle Berry comes up out of the ocean all wet and glistening and slow-motioney and wiggly. Mmmm! Then she says her lines. Shut up. Just shut up.

They find "Conflict Diamond Faced" Korean at the clinic, being turned into someone else, but looking remarkably like Master Po from Kung Fu. He's comatose, sorta, but they can't just plug him, have to have long discussion, allowing him to escape. Everybody shoots everybody, everyone misses, clinic blows up, Halle Berry looks nice. Whatever.

Bond gets on trail of the "conflict diamonds," except they are made by some whiz bang boy industrialist philanthropist Hugh Grant looking fellow. Meets up with Rosamund Pike, turncoat agent. She sure is pretty.

Bond sword fights Bad Guy, which is when we see cameo by Madonna. Lots of soft focus going on there. Doesn't help a lot. Fortunately, Madonna's short on-screen time allows her sufficient time to demonstrate the range of emotion and acting skill of a paper napkin. Dumb.

Go to Bad Guy's Not Really Secret Lair in Finland. Big ice palace, lots of stupid stuff and people out in the middle of nowhere, find out that Bad Guy is somehow not getting the diamonds from his recently discovered mine but actually is moving "conflict diamonds." Halle Berry in evening gown and leather jumpsuit. Mmmmm! Says lines. See previous comment. Gets trapped, strapped to a table under a "laser." Movie quickly devolving into a not very good Austin Powers clone.

Big satellite is supposed to be mirror, but is actually a weapon. Whodathunkit? Americans try to blow it up. Shoot one missile at it. Oh well, that's it. We've only got that one missile. I guess we're all doomed to be overrun by North Koreans and "conflict diamonds." Sure wish we had TWO missiles. Or wish that we could have hit the satellite from the back end. Oh well.

Rosamund Pike and everyone else is on giant Antonov AN-225. Which is made by the Russkies. Luckily, every warning and label is in English. For some reason, Rosamund Pike is dressed in a sort of black bustier teddy thing and starts a swordfight with Halle Berry. Whatever.

Bond and Berry get out of crashing Antonov by helicopter, which just happens to have all of the "conflict diamonds" hidden in it.

END. In retrospect, what a steaming pile of crap. Brosnan seems to have gotten in the Roger "Just Send Me the Check" Moore mode, and the director (I guess) decided to incorporate about a thousand too many of those odd, Matrix-like change-of-viewpoint camera swoops, along with the exciting new technologies of slow motion and fast motion. And then there is all the product placement distraction, brought to you by Norelco. And conflict diamonds. You may have figured out that these were part of the storyline.

Time for another director, time for another Bond, time for a movie with fewer gadgets, time for a remotely-plausible storyline that hasn't already been done two or three times, time to put away the schlocky Charlie's Angels camera tricks and CGI. Time to go rent From Russia With Love.


But, it was a movie and time spent with Reba, so it couldn't have been too bad. Then on to Wal-Mart for a little Christmas shopping without the kids, which was very helpful. Sadly, the movie lasted so long that it was too late for barbecue, so we stopped and got a quick hamburger at the Burger King drive through. Mine was supposed to be some sort of smoky cheddar something, which had the invigorating taste of garbage, sandwiched between two slices of "sourdough" with the consistency of a life jacket. Blech.

Saturday, got up late, got dressed and did a bit more shopping and then FINALLY got my barbecue, which was really, REALLY good. Right in the middle of it, as I was holding forth to Reba about all the stupid stuff in the movie in a wildly gesticulating fashion, I felt a tap on my shoulder--"War Eagle" a nice older lady said as she and her hubby were walking out. I had forgotten that I had my Auburn sweatshirt on, and I was so taken by surprise I almost didn't know what to say. "Thanks you, War Eagle, too!" or something. What a dork. Anyway, got all through, made a final pass through Target to finish propping up the American economy and it was time to go see the game. I timed it just right so that we would arrive at the grandparents as the game was starting so I could finagle an invite to watch the game.

What a game! And no rioting after it was over with. One thing that makes the Alabama-Auburn game the nation's best rivalry is that the rivalry is settled between the end zones. After that, everyone goes back to normal. Such as it is. But throwing bottles and fighting is just so...crude. Morons. Better would be to just go write a joke book or something.

Home, bed, up Sunday, and the icky sinus crud of last week has transformed itself into a lung-filling beast of mythic scale. I blow my nose and all I get is that odd high-pitched squealing sound as my sinuses try to open up. HONK-whhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeEEK. Ouch. Go to church, probably infect everyone, afterwards go eat many bowls of hot and sour soup and spoonsful of hot mustard sauce in attempt to loosen grip of demon. Works only a little, which should tell you how bad it is. Back home for some clothes folding exercises, read the paper, go back to church, try not to sleep by constantly hacking, back home for supper, kids to bed, sleep, and wake up here.

Today is going to be a short one, as I have to go pick up the kids and take them to the dentist this afternoon. So this day is already about shot. Tomorrow is going to be busy, and then I will be off Wednesday for the rest of the week for the holidays. Meaning that this may be about the only bit of Possumblog you get for this week, so I will leave you this, which was written by my 10 year old daughter Rebecca for an assignment in class last week:
My Thankfulness


I have many things I'm thankful for. I am thankful for my home, family, and friends. These are the most important things I'm thankful for.

My home is one of the most important things I'm thankful for. My home is very warm, and it has good protection. I am very thankful to live in a warm place.

My family is one other thing that is very important to me. They take care of me and love me a whole lot! The also believe in me.

My friends are the last most important things that I am thankful for. My friends always care about me. They also are good people to talk to.

My home, family, and friends are the best things in my life. They are all good things to be thankful for. I am so glad I have these things to be thankful for!


In case I don't get back to blogging this week, have a joyous Thanksgiving at your home, with your family and friends.



...and the greatest of these is love.

From Francesca Watson--
[...] I felt a persistent tugging in my heart, which I tried to ignore. My instinct in such situations is to try to “fix” things – I hate seeing people in pain or emotional distress, but I didn’t know this woman or what her situation was. It was none of my business. But whenever I looked over, there she would be – tears streaming down her face, her hands clenched in her lap, her head trembling ever so slightly. Perhaps she herself is ill? I wondered. It looked like Parkinsons, that little tremble.

Finally, I couldn’t stand it another minute – that tugging just wouldn’t leave me be. I got up, and walked over to this complete stranger, wending my way through the family members around her, and I leaned over and took her hand. “You don’t know me,” I said, “and I have no idea what your circumstances are. But God knows what you’re going through, and I am just feeling led to come over here and offer to pray with you. Would that be OK?” She raised her head and looked at me with such hope in her face that I almost lost it right there. She said, “Oh yes, please. I just can’t pray myself right now, I am too upset.” And the woman seated next to her, whom I later learned was her sister-in-law, clasped her hands over mine with a grateful smile. As I knelt down in front of her, as her family gathered round us, she told me about her husband – a minister for many years. He had come in for surgery to remove a benign tumor from one side of his brain. The surgery was dangerous, she said, but everyone had expected that once he got past it, everything would be OK. Now the doctors were telling her that the tumor was very large and not benign, and something about it told them it had originated somewhere else – metastized from another site the doctors hadn’t found yet. It was very bad news. [...]


Saturday, November 23, 2002

Color Me Shocked!

Auburn 17-Alabama 7!


Friday, November 22, 2002

Date Night!

WOO-HOO! It's been a while since La Reba and I have gotten to go out sans offspring, and someone was getting cranky. And he writes a blog, so you know it's best if he's not cranky. AND not only is it dinner and a movie, BUT it is returning to a house void of previously mentioned offspring, who will be spending the night at Reba's folks' house, which is a convenient mile or so away. AND FURTHERMORE, it's not just dinner, but dinner at Jim and Nick's Barbecue where I will order the
PULLED PORK BAR-B-Q SANDWICH $5.95
Slow cooked pork shoulder hand pulled and served on a toasted Kaiser bun with pickles and Bar-B-Q sauce.
Served with french fries.
(Click on the picture of the one in Trussville to see pictures. Sadly, it is only of the building and does not include pictures of the waitresses.) AND YET EVEN FURTHERMORE, it's not just a movie, but...Halle Berry as James Bond's Girlfriend! with Special Guest Rosamund Pike!

Let's recap--barbecue + Berry + Bond + built-in babysitters = one darned fine evening!

And Saturday is the big game, which hopefully will not be interrupted by telemarketers, asteroids, plague, zombies, Jehovah's Witnesses, stomach virus, sudden power outages, ring-tail lemurs, cramping, bloating, or any of the other stuff that normally happens at our house.

So, I bid you good afternoon, and may your weekend by as nice as mine!



Good grief--I am officially the smartest man in the world!

I was just doing my daily jog by The Straight Dope, and was perusing the latest from the Second Smartest Man in the World Now That I'm Number One, Cecil Adams, a very nice discussion of fire. I was reading along, "blah blah blah flame blah blah blah gas blah blah" and then came to this little commentary related to Uncle Cecil's New Definition of Fire:
(2) Typically characterized by flame. The pup qualifier "typically" allows me to sidestep the issue of apparently nonflaming fires, like you get with burning charcoal. I suspect charcoal fires do create flame; you just can't see it due to the lack of impurities or incompletely burned fuel in the plume. (You can't see a fuel fire at a NASCAR race either, because the cars run on clean-burning methanol.) But that's a matter we can leave for another day.
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ed Zotti will have to be drawn and quartered for letting this howler out the door. Since the founding of NASCAR in 1948, stockers have burned God's own 100 octane Union 76 Racing Fuel, which produces a lovely warm flame halo around everything when it gets lit off. Maybe Cece was thinking of ethanol, which is what the fellows used to carry around in the trunk late at night. Or maybe he was thinking of the NHRA alky classes. Or I guess he could even have been thinking of the CART or IRL guys. But NASCAR? Sheesh.

In any event, all bow before the great Possumblogger! Defeater of Cecil Adams!



November 22, 1963
[...] I want to discuss with you today the status of our strength and our security because this question clearly calls for the most responsible qualities of leadership and the most enlightened products of scholarship. For this Nation's strength and security are not easily or cheaply obtained, nor are they quickly and simply explained. There are many kinds of strength and no one kind will suffice. Overwhelming nuclear strength cannot stop a guerrilla war. Formal pacts of alliance cannot stop internal subversion. Displays of material wealth cannot stop the disillusionment of diplomats subjected to discrimination.

Above all, words alone are not enough. The United States is a peaceful nation. And where our strength and determination are clear, our words need merely to convey conviction, not belligerence. If we are strong, our strength will speak for itself. If we are weak, words will be of no help.

I realize that this Nation often tends to identify turning-points in world affairs with the major addresses which preceded them. But it was not the Monroe Doctrine that kept all Europe away from this hemisphere--it was the strength of the British fleet and the width of the Atlantic Ocean. It was not General Marshall's speech at Harvard which kept communism out of Western Europe--it was the strength and stability made possible by our military and economic assistance.

In this administration also it has been necessary at times to issue specific warnings--warnings that we could not stand by and watch the Communists conquer Laos by force, or intervene in the Congo, or swallow West Berlin, or maintain offensive missiles on Cuba. But while our goals were at least temporarily obtained in these and other instances, our successful defense of freedom was due not to the words we used, but to the strength we stood ready to use on behalf of the principles we stand ready to defend.

This strength is composed of many different elements, ranging from the most massive deterrents to the most subtle influences. And all types of strength are needed--no one kind could do the job alone. [...]
Excerpt of remarks prepared for delivery at the Trade Mart in Dallas by President John F. Kennedy.

This speech was never given.

The last paragraph:
[...] We in this country, in this generation, are--by destiny rather than choice--the watchmen on the walls of world freedom. We ask, therefore, that we may be worthy of our power and responsibility, that we may exercise our strength with wisdom and restraint, and that we may achieve in our time and for all time the ancient vision of "peace on earth, good will toward men." That must always be our goal, and the righteousness of our cause must always underlie our strength. For as was written long ago: "except the Lord keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain."



Collins drops bid for tuition payback
VICKII HOWELL
News staff writer

Jefferson County Commissioner Bettye Fine Collins said Thursday she won't use county money to pay for her college tuition.

Collins said her request a $12,600 reimbursement to cover tuition costs that she said were job-related was in line with routine county policies and procedures for reimbursing county staff for money they spend to attend professional development seminars and classes.

Even so, "I feel that public officials must avoid even the appearance of impropriety in all matters," she said, reading a prepared statement. "Therefore, I have not, and will not, accept a penny of this money." [...]
Well, bully for you, Big Mama. In addition to avoiding even the appearance of impropriety, I feel it's important for public officials not to break the law. Or to say the law doesn't apply to them. Or sit there and spend huge sums of my county tax dollars on frivolous crap.

Then again, that's just me.



Supreme Court's top justice injured in fall at his home

Well, I think it's pretty obvious the Democrats are behind this.



"Hey, Terry...the car's making a funny noise."

Having supper at Grandmom's and Granddad's last night...

"Well, what does it sound like?"

"Oh, I don't know, sort of a rumbly boiling sound--rrrrrrbbrbbrrrrbrbrbruggh--like when the stuff in the engine boils out, but without that weird smell. Ashley said it sounded like a plane flying overhead."

"Hm. Does it stop when you put the brake on?"

"I don't know."

"Do you hear it all the time?"

"Uhh, I don't know, maybe."

"Do you hear it when you turn or accelerate?"

"I think I heard it as I was coming up the hill. Maybe."

"How long has it been doing it?"

"I don't know, maybe a couple of weeks or a month."

It is at this point in my narrative that I invite readers to go over to my old GeoCities site, where I long ago posted a few short essays. One of them is called "Boy Things--Things I Tell My Son." It is a small list of words of wisdom which I struggle to impart into my lad. Part of the list is devoted to picking out a girl to date/marry/go hunting with. One of those criteria is being knowledgeable about cars.

There is a reason for this.

"Well, I'll drive it home and let you drive the van home, and I'll see if I can figure out what it is."

Finish supper, load kids up (who had been at the in-laws so Mom could run get her hair fixed. It looks REALLY good by the way), and I get into the lap of 1994 Oldsmobile 88 luxury and get ready to go.

Turn on ignition, turn off radio. Nothing odd.

Put in gear. Sound of car shifting into Reverse.

Take foot off brake pedal, back slowly into street and apply brake again. GGGGGRAAAAAAAUUUUNCHHH. Oh. My. Sweet. Georgia. Brown. (Or thoughts to that effect)

Shift into Drive, begin to pull forward, apply brakes...GGGGGG--GGRRRRAAAAAWWWWWWW--NNNNNCH--RRNCH--RRNCH

Brakes.

Brake rotors worn so thin and fine that they could be served up with Grand Marnier and whipped cream at the Magic Pan. Brakes ground to the bare nubbins of atoms, useful only for making heat and noise. Brakes which felt like I had large millstones attached to the front axles, being grasped by arthritic monkeys holding handsful of aquarium gravel. ::sigh::

Took car in this morning to my buddies at Alignment by Ingram.

That funny sound is $287.88 exiting the bank account.

Gee, just what I always wanted for Christmas!



Pup's Thanksgiving Turkey

Chuck Myguts over at Redneckin' rummages around in the memory bank for tales of Thanksgivings past (scroll down a bit):
[...] Here in the Southland, where I was raised so many years ago, dogs weren’t kept just to have a dog. They had to have some sort of purpose in life. Like watch dog or hunting dog or kids dog. Most of the time, one dog had to fill all job descriptions. But not in Ted’s family. And nobody had house dogs, they were all yard dogs. The closest thing to a house dog was family pet and in my family that was almost always the best hunting dog.

Uncle “no pass” Ted had two rules about his dogs. One is they were all female and two, they were all named for family and family friends. The naming rule, of course, caused all kinds of confusion like when he would be yelling for his dog, Judy (my mother, his sister‘s name) out the backdoor “Dang it Judy, quit licking your butt and get over here.” [...]





Dr. Uncle Sam

Spuddy Buddy Marc Velazquez takes up the cat o'nine tails to soundly thwack Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune over the issue of universal health care (which, if implemented, would have the dubious distinction of providing none of those)...
[...] First, he should stop using the clunky term "single payer" to describe his plan. [Why - you've been using it for your whole column?] Nobody except for us news junkies and policy wonks knows what that means. [I'm in the club, I'm in the club - WOO HOO!]

Instead, he should describe it as a simple expansion of Medicare to cover everybody. Medicare is a program most Americans understand comfortably and want to keep. Building on that popularity and comfort level, many experts over the years have advocated expanding Medicare to cover everyone, regardless of age.

Great googly-moogly, if that doesn't chill your blood, welcome to the far left. Who are these experts advocating Medicare expansion, and have they been slapped down yet? Simple expansion ... I guess to match the universe, because once we start a single-payer health plan, there will be no end in sight to the gouging of wallets.[...]



Well, it's that time...

'Twas the night before the Iron Bowl, when all through Alabama
Not a critter was stirring, not even a yellowhammer;
The RVs were parked by the stadium with care,
In hopes that some Dreamland ribs soon would be there;

The students were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Jack Daniels danced in their heads;
And mama in her jersey, and I with my big foam #1 finger,
Had by the TV started to linger,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a golf cart, and some fat guy in a red and white suit,
"HEY! Get off my yard, or else I will shoot!"

With a little old driver, so sloppy and drunk,
I knew in a moment it must be Bob from down the street who is a rabid Alabama fan.
More rapid than War Eagle his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, D*&!@! now, D$#?**! now, P&%$$$#@R and V*&^~!
On, C**&$#@@T! on C*&%?! on, D!@#$R and BL*&&^>?N!
To the top of Denny Chimes! to the top of Bear's tower!
Now #$@##%^! away! Feel the Tide's Power!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the moron he climbed,
With a snootful of scotch, and urge to pee ill-timed.

And then, he was tinkling, I heard on the roof
The dribbling and dripping of the big goof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down Bob slid and slammed to the ground.

He was dressed all in crimson, from his head to his shoes,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cigar ashes and booze;
A roll of toilet paper, and a box of Tide were flung on his back,
And he smelled like a monkey or some kind of macaque.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (except for the thin brown stream down the side from his dip of Skoal);

The stump of a stogie he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a giant beer belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was dimwitted and slow, a right stupid old cuss,
And I laughed when thought of him getting caught under a bus;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had more things to dread;

He spoke not a word, but rolled over with a smirk,
And let loose a thundering back burp, the big dumb jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, and striking a pose;

He sprang to his cart, to his team gave a whistle,
And away he drove off, like a low flying cruise missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he weaved out of sight,

"Hey Auburn!

Hey Auburn!

Hey Auburn!

We're gonna beat the hell
out of you!

Rammer Jammer
Yellow Hammer
Give 'em hell Alabama!"

© 2002 Possumblog Sports Center


Yes, tomorrow is the big day, and I got a nice e-mail from the Pride of Vidalia, Lousiana, LS-Whovian, fellow Axis of Weevil member, and blogdaughter Janis Gore of Gone South, who sends her fond thoughts:
From: "Janis Gore" janis22@bellsouth.net
To: "Terry Oglesby" terryoglesby@yahoo.com
Subject: Auburn/Alabama
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 20:42:25 -0600

At least I get the pleasure of knowing one of you is going to lose.

Janis
A woman of few words, but when it's from the heart, well...

In any event, the 68th installment of America's fiercest college football rivalry is now upon us, and rather than assault you with yet another Alabama joke, I will simply point you to the Humor section of al.com, which has a rather long list of Alabama/Auburn jokes for your reading pleasure. (I particularly like the Auburn joke about the family trip to New York.)

It appears that Possumblog Sports Central's vivacious and charming Chief Statistician Ipsa Dixie has decided to overlook the hostile work environment which pervades the Possumblog Publishing Company and come up with some predictions for the game based upon past performance.

First, she tells me that if I look at her chest one more time she's gonna gouge my eyes out with a letter opener. Fair enough.

Second, she notes that the Tigers have beaten Alabama in shutouts in each of the three meetings held in Tuscaloosa since 1893. Interestingly, the Tigers have appeared only twice in Tuscaloosa in the 20th Century--at the start in 1901 (Auburn 17-0), and at the end in 2000 (Auburn 9-Alabama 0).

Third, the teams appear on paper to be relatively well matched in the major statistics of rushing, passing, total offense, total defense, with one exception--Alabama is ranked 9th in the country and is 9-2 (6-1 SEC), while Auburn is not ranked and is 7-4 (4-3 SEC). It doesn't matter if you can run up and down the field all day long if you can't score more points. Auburn has some crucial players out of play, and since Alabama is on probation, this is THE bowl game for them, so they are going to be out for blood.

Finally, the Alabama cheerleading website is REALLY well done, and even has individual photos and bios of both the Crimson Squad and the White Squad. Further depth is found in the strong Crimson Cabaret lineup, which ALSO has individual photos! This has been one area where Auburn has managed to hold its own all year, but the Tide comes on strong in the most crucial measure of strength.

Ipsa says that Auburn is going to have a tough time this year, but in the interest of appearing optimistic, the Possumblog Magic Score Generator has been rigged to produce a final score prediction of Auburn 21-Alabama 17. If Auburn does manage to win this thing, an 8-4 record is good enough to get into some of the second tier bowls, but a loss will probably put them in the "Super One Foods/Omar's Stihl Saw Sales and Service/Northwoods Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Bowl" in Hibbing, Minnesota.

Oh well.


Thursday, November 21, 2002

What Possumblogger wants for Christmas. (I think I'm gonna have to install a tip jar.)



Fun With Referrer Logs, #12,063

Greetings to the recent visitor to The Possumblog Beauty Emporium and Dollar Store who arrived by Googling plump lips and improve their color at home,naturally. Well, naturally! My little tip is one I learned as a child...take a regular plastic (or glass) drinking cup and apply it gently to the area around your mouth. Create a vacuum inside the cup by sucking in with your mouth until the cup adheres tightly to your face. Leave in place until your mom comes in and yells at you to stop. When you remove the cup and run and look in the bathroom mirror, you will see that your lips are nice and plump and full of rich, natural red blood cells. Apply a bit of concealer to the ring around your mouth, and you are set for the evening. (A drawback is that the results are not permanent, and need to be refreshed periodically. If you are out for a hot evening at a restaurant, you can use your wine glass, but if you are at a lower cost establishment or one which has more of a roadhouse atmosphere, we do not recommend trying the procedure with a beer bottle.)

Next up, a studious person trying his best to find out information about soccer moms naughty, and had to search all the way to result number 267! (Two Hundred Sixty Seven!) before finally landing in the safe confines of Possumblog.

Well, friends, this is one area in which I am well versed. Please avert your gaze if you are sensitive about reading tales of extremely naughty soccer moms...

I remember as if it were just last month (because it was) that I was confronted with one such person at the soccer park. She was tall and blonde, with a wicked looking 1998 Dodge Caravan Sport. And she parked RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE "NO PARKING" SIGN!!! Can you believe how naughty that was?! I almost said something to her about it.

And then, there was the voluptuous brunette who leaned up against the wall of the concession stand--the filmy gauze of her blouse playing gently in the wind across her alabaster skin, ALONG WITH THE SMOKE FROM HER CIGARETTE!!! Good grief, everyone KNOWS the whole Sports Complex is no smoking, and there she was just naughtily puffing away! Sheesh! And don't even get me started on the time that Breck Girl Mom left a water bottle on the field!

Bad, BAD soccer moms!

UPDATE: This just in to the Possumblog Institude of Biblical Antiquities---a bewildered visitor searching for antedeluvian map of alabama. It just so happens we have an original copy of a map produced by Ham, one of Noah's sons and the inventor of barbecue, which very clearly shows the way Alabama looked prior to the Great Deluge. It is startling in its clarity and detail, including the nice border of Alabama symbols, such as the yellowhammer and the long leaf pine, and it has a picture of Governor George C. Wallace. The map came to us via our Irish correspondent Pat Slagging, who had made a trip to Istanbul earlier in the year and purchased it in a drunken fit from a trusted Turkish dealer in Noahic memorabilia. We are in the process of verifying the age and provenance of this exciting find, but preliminary analysis of the inscription at the bottom "This map of Alabama was drawn by Ham, son of Noah" rendered in blue ink most certainly points to its genuine nature. In addition, the ancient age of the map can be verified by the fact that Talledega Motor Speedway is not shown. Truly, an exciting acquisition, and one we will soon release to the public in framed versions, along with a Certificate of Authenticity expertly printed on a real laser printer. Call today to have your name placed on the waiting list!



Say, whaddya know--the Alcan is 60 years old today!
--[...] When the Japanese invaded the nearby Aleutian Islands, completing the highway became even more urgent. More than 10,000 U.S. troops worked in cooperation with Canadian troops and independent contractors to accomplish this remarkable engineering feat in just over eight months! Among those soldiers building the Alcan Highway were four units of the Army's Black Corps of Engineers. All troops worked under extreme conditions. Mosquitoes and flies swarmed them in the summer heat, and temperatures near 40 degrees below zero chilled them to the bone in winter for weeks on end. To build the Sikanni Chief River Bridge, men waded chest deep into freezing waters to place the trestles. [...]



Well, the Aussie Wave has finally subsided and Possumblog has again returned to its normal low ebb of regular visitors and strangers searching for silly Walesa quotes. What a strange coincidence! Just the other day, Lech and I were relaxing with a couple of Diet Cokes and chatting about the Iron Bowl. Lech is a big Bama fan, you know, so I just had to tweak his whiskers a bit and tell him a story.

It seems that Alabama Power had hired a couple of crews of college interns studying to be electrical engineers, one group from the University of Alabama and one from Auburn. They were supposed to use the summer to work out in the field getting some first-hand experience in the hard work of electrical power distribution. One day their supervisor decided a good way to challenge their productivity was to have a contest. "Boys, each of your groups are going to be given a truckload of power poles and a five mile stretch of road to install 'em on. Here's your maps, and may the best school win!" The Auburn and Alabama students whooped and raced out of the shed and hopped in the trucks and blazed off.

Finally, near midnight the exhausted crew from Auburn came back into the storage yard, dirty and tired but elated at winning. The next morning, they showed up for work, but were alarmed to see that the Alabama interns had not gotten back. The supervisor became concerned, too, and just as he was about to call on the radio, the Alabama students rolled slowly back in, and dragged themselves off the truck in absolute exhaustion.

The supervisor walked up to the bedraggled bunch and said, "Sorry to tell you boys that you lost the contest, but doggone it, what took you so long!?" The crew leader leveled an angry gaze at the Auburn boys, "THEY CHEATED!" "What do you mean!?" said the supervisor. "We drove by and saw theirs, and they was leaving a good 20 or 30 feet stickin' up outta the ground!"

Lech looked at me blankly. "Power poles, Lech." Still looking blankly. "The Alabama guys were burying them all the way to the top, don't you get it?" A slight glimmer, and then slowly he chuckled. "But what about the power lines--did they not need to install the wires, too?" "Look, it's poking fun at them for...I mean, you're SUPPOSED to have the..." "And did not their supervisor go and supervise their progress while they were burying the poles? If so, he could have averted the catastrophe. Now the poles will have to be removed and set properly. This is what is done here in America? Is this the way the beloved University of Alabama is treated within the borders of its own state?"

"Oh, it's just a silly joke, Lech--let's talk about something else. Here, pull my finger."

Silly Walesa.



Notable Quotes
HOLLYWOOD (Reuters) - They really said it -- notable quotes from the news:

"I didn't need People magazine to tell me he's the sexiest man alive. The difference between me and People magazine is that he'll still be the sexiest man alive in my eyes when he's 100 years old."

--JENNIFER LOPEZ on fiance BEN AFFLECK, who the magazine has named as "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2002, quoted on the magazine's Web site.
Let's return to this quote about three months after they are married. Given past history, this will be approximately two months after she has started seeing someone else.



Cars crash gate, race around field at Birmingham airport
By JAY REEVES
The Associated Press
11/20/02 5:46 PM

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. -- Two cars crashed through a locked gate at Birmingham International Airport and raced across a runway and taxiways Wednesday before ramming another locked gate to escape.

The vehicles never came close to the terminal or any aircraft, and the cars -- a black Cadillac and a white sedan, possibly an Accura -- were gone before police could catch them. No arrests were made.

Air traffic controllers and ground workers watched the incident in amazement.

"They went pretty much in all directions all over the airfield," said Patty Howell, a spokeswoman for the airport authority.

The airport was closed for 15 minutes during the breach, and the Federal Aviation Administration said an incoming flight was delayed about 30 minutes. One or two departing flights were delayed briefly.

There were unconfirmed reports that gunshots were fired, but no shell casings were found.

Estimates on the length of the episode ranged from less than two minutes to 15 minutes.

"It was enough time to bust through (the gate), spin out, and bust out on the other side," said police Sgt. Roy Bowden. "They were chasing each other."

The cars slammed into a gate at Pemco Aeroplex Inc., which refurbishes military aircraft, about 1 p.m. and zoomed across a runway. The vehicles exited by ramming through a gate at a corporate hangar on the opposite side of the field.

"They blasted through it," said officer Robert Miller. "It is a very heavy metal gate and they bent it into an 'S."'

The cars were last seen leaving the area on a busy street that parallels the main runway. Soldiers from an Alabama Air National Guard unit secured the gate by the corporate hangar until police could arrive from the other side of the airfield.

Miller said witnesses saw one person in each car, but it was unclear whether anyone got a description of the drivers or license plate numbers. He said there was no reason to believe terrorism was involved.

Airport officials say agents from the Federal Bureau of Investigations are investigating the incident as a "serious security breach."
Knowing the area where this happened, I would say more than likely this was either gang- or freelance pharmaceuticals-related.

Speaking of the airport, a few years back a pilot who graduated from Alabama was trying to land. He and his Bama grad co-pilot struggled mightily to bring the plane down on the runway, and after a near dive approach and locking up the brakes in a cloud of burning rubber, managed to land with only the nosewheel off the edge of the paving. The co-pilot looked at the captain and said, "Good grief, that runway shore wuz short!!" The pilot replied, "Yep, and the funny thing is that it's a mile wide!"

Thanks everyone! Thank you--you're a beautiful audience! (Surely you didn't think I had forgotten about the Alabama Joke Week of Wittitude!?)



Gore: Dems Have Good Chance in 2004

An article with many rich veins for mockery, so it's hard to pick just one. How about this one--
"It's not just about me, it's about how I can best serve my country, whether I would be the best candidate for Democrats to put forward against Bush," Gore said.
Translation: "It's all about me." Another one:
Gore acknowledged he has plenty of work to do winning over Democrats who remain skeptical after his loss to Bush.

He said he will "have to convince the political insiders and the journalistic community that I'd learned enough to run a better campaign."
Translation: "I'll never convince the rest of America I've changed--might as well try to to work on someone more malleable."

Schmuck.



Everyone needs to read Lileks! Today's installment is a good one, discussing the outrage attaching itself to the Victoria's Secret fashion show--
[...] As for the malleable minds that will be warped by these lanky inhumans and reject real women, well, good. Real women will be spared the difficulties of living with an idiot.

When the lid’s on tight, the stuff that bubbles out is altogether ookey, if I may quote the Addams Family theme song. (Now there was a couple who loved each other. Say what you will about their hobbies, but do you think Morticia and Gomez had separate beds like Rob and Laura Petrie? Good Lord, no; if Gomez hadn’t had that big cigar to clench all day he would have been dragging Cara Mia up the stairs nine times before lunch. He was crazy about her.) [...]


Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Leaving the warm confines of Blog*Spurt and Blogger, Peg Britton's Kansas Prairie blog upped stakes last week and moved on to Greymatter. Same great blog content, and now with the reliability of a Massey-Ferguson!

Drop in and read about her English houseguest--
[...] John knew what to expect before he came to visit and he's loved every minute of being here. He wears a constant smile on his face when he talks about visiting the Grothusen farm, the Masonic Lodge, Drover's, Robson's, the Indy folk, family and many other people. He loves talking about the trips to Abilene, Wakeeney, Bogue, Lincoln, Wilson and Lucas and spots in between. He's loved it all, even the food. He's tried it all. [...]



Adventures in Headline Writing--Death sentence eased in case of retarded Nevada inmate

What, they're going to tickle him to death? Smother him with bunnies?

His sentence was commuted to two life terms.

Adventures in Headline Writing Part Two--Indiana U. Probes Porn Movie Shoot

Hmm. A "probe," eh? Wink, wink...nudge, nudge, eh?!



Religious leaders ask automakers to build more fuel-efficient products

If there was justice in the world, the headline would continue with "Automakers tell religious leaders to buy an ass and get around like Jesus did."



From Mac Thomason, the newest in the ongoing saga...Captain Euro and the New Inspections Regime!
[...] BILL: Still, I've never seen a chef's uniform with a hood and a glass faceguard. Um... What's that they're stirring in that big vat?

EURO: I will ask. [Speaks to head chef in broken Arabic.] He says it is split pea soup, a great favorite of President Hussein.

BILL: It seems kind of bright for soup. Should soup be glowing?

EURO: Ah, but the President likes his soup very spicy. It is a great delicacy, unfortunately restricted to the President and his family. Because of the sanctions.

BILL: There seems to be a lot of it there.

EURO: It boils down, of course. Why are you so suspicious?

BILL: Well, we are weapons inspectors.

EURO: That is no reason to be impolite! We are guests in this country, and we should not be prying into affairs that are no concern of ours!

BILL: How do we know they aren't our concern?

EURO: Of course, we must believe the Iraqis when they tell us. Honor is very important in Arabic culture and to disbelieve them would be an affront.

BILL: You've never found any weapons, have you?

EURO: No. Once I thought I found a surface-to-air missile, but the gentleman carrying it explained to me that it was actually a very large baguette. [...]
Please, empty mouth of all liquids before reading full text.



Possumblog Utah Correspondent and Jeep Repairman Nate McCord (who, once more, needs to start a blog) sends along a link to a Rufus Jones article in the Daily Standard about a film coming soon to Cinemax--
FOR AS LONG as there has been a Saddam Hussein, Saddam scholars have been confronted by a question with no easy answer: just what kind of crazy is he? He reigns by terror at home, while preying on anti-American sentiment among the conflict-averse abroad. So is Saddam calculated-crazy, crazy like the cross-dressing, discharge-seeking Klinger character in "M*A*S*H," crazy like a fox?

Or is he certifiable, driving-with-one's-lights-on-dim, two-pence-short-of-a-bob crazy? Some say he evidences that special brand of tin-pot dictator crazy--the kind of crazy that caused the syphilitic Idi Amin to eat his victims' organs and store their heads in the fridge. While others (mostly axe-grinding Iraqi dissidents) have suggested it may go beyond that, that Saddam might be suffering from the most advanced, most debilitating, most incurable brand of barminess--that he just might be Angelina Jolie-crazy. [...]

But there is perhaps no portrait of Saddam Hussein that has more effectively explored the non compos mentis angle than "Uncle Saddam," a documentary by French filmmaker Joel Soler, which Cinemax will air on November 26 at 7:00 p.m. Soler ingratiated himself to Saddam's inner circle (including his personal filmmaker, his architect, and his interior decorator) by convincing them he intended to document the country's suffering under U.N. sanctions. The anti-American pose served as a credible cover since Soler is, after all, French.

But unlike many of his sophisticated countrymen, Soler, a former television producer, is prone to moral outrage, and has displayed an admirable streak of ballsy-ness. Hot on the bin Laden trail during another project, Soler was beaten by bin Laden bodyguards after refusing to relinquish his camera. On September 11, he had been working on a project on Adolf Hitler, and found himself watching the Twin Towers collapse in Leni Riefenstahl's living room (she watched alongside him--in her bathrobe). [...]
Man, I wish I had cable!



Muslim rioters burn down newspaper office in protest over Miss World article
LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) -- Muslims burned down a newspaper office Wednesday to protest an article suggesting Islam's prophet might have chosen a wife from among contestants in the Miss World beauty pageant being hosted by Nigeria.

The local office of ThisDay in the northern city of Kaduna was destroyed, police and newspaper officials said. No one was in the building, editor Eniola Bello told The Associated Press. [...]

The Nigerian Muslim Umma, a group of Islamic scholars, declared a "serious religious emergency" Wednesday and called on President Olusegun Obasanjo to cancel the pageant and "sanction" the newspaper. Government officials were not immediately available to comment.

"As a result of the indescribable pain caused to Muslims ... one cannot predict what can happen" if the pageant goes ahead, the group said in a statement. Muslim groups say the pageant promotes sexual promiscuity and indecency.

The article, published Saturday under the headline "The World at Their Feet," questioned the reasoning of Muslim groups that have condemned the pageant. It is being held Dec. 8 in the capital, Abuja.

"The Muslims thought it was immoral to bring 92 women to Nigeria and ask them to revel in vanity. What would (the prophet) Muhammad think? In all honesty, he would probably have chosen a wife from among them," the article's author, Isioma Daniel, wrote. [...]
Shocking provocation!
"We Muslims do not provoke other people. But when we are provoked we do not rest until we deal with the offending agent," Datti Ahmad, president of Shariah in Nigeria, a group supporting the adoption of Islamic law, was quoted as saying by Abuja's Daily Trust newspaper.

Ahmad added: "Nobody will denigrate the holy Prophet of Islam and live in peace with Muslims." [...]
Probably not worth noting, but anyone who is not a believer denigrates both Allah and the Prophet. You do the math.



Two illegal poisonous snakes seized from home
FRUITHURST, Ala. (AP) -- Officials seized two illegal poisonous snakes, including a deadly African Puff Adder viper, from the home of a man who apparently sold his collection of snakes at shows and over the Internet.

Officers from the state Wildlife and Freshwater Fisheries division arrested the man for possession of two non-native poisonous reptiles and two others he had previously sold. He was also charged with illegally possessing a raccoon. He faces up to a $500 fine for each count.

Besides the viper, the man had a Western Diamondback rattlesnake caged up, officials said. The two non-native snakes were among about a dozen poisonous snakes officers found in cages that were not properly secured, making the home dangerous to anybody inside it.

Dan Spaulding, collections curator at the Anniston Museum of Natural History, accompanied officers on the raid: "They were like loaded weapons lying around," he said.

State law forbids the possession of non-native poisonous reptiles, though one can own native species.

Officials did not release the man's name.

The African Puff Adder is a leading cause of snakebite death in Africa. Bites are often fatal and those that aren't usually result in some degree of disfigurement or disability.

Museum officials said they would contact zoos in Birmingham and Atlanta to find a hoem for the seized snakes.
And another case of "Man Nearly Dieing From Kissing Head of Poisonous Snake" is narrowly avoided.



Well, well, well--it appears the Blogger/Blog*Spot minions have dosed up those silly, ailing computer thingies with a nice cup of castor oil, and everything seems to be flowing freely once again.

And there was much rejoicing.



Jackson: I Made a 'Terrible Mistake'

Ya think so, Sparky?!

Said it before, say it again--what a friggin' idiot.



Quite possibly the coolest thing in the entire world!

Pathe news archive goes online
LONDON (Reuters) - Hours of historic Pathe News footage spanning the world's political and everyday life from 1896 to 1970 have been made available on the Internet for free, the government says.

The move to make Pathe's newsreels -- which informed and entertained generations of people when shown in cinemas ahead of feature films -- free to the public was made possible by a grant of over one million pounds by the lottery fund.

"I am delighted that National Lottery good cause funding, has enabled Pathe to bring about this world first both in terms of technical achievement and in bringing 20th century newsreel to the 'small screen' of Internet users of all ages," Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell said in a statement on Tuesday.

During World War II packed cinemas saw a their bi-weekly dose of newsreels by British Pathe. Black and white images of wartime leader Winston Churchill, often backed by rousing patriotic music, would prompt cheers from audiences, many of whom relied on the newsreels for a glimpse of the world outside Britain.

Web surfers keen to take a peek at the past can log on to www.britishpathe.com. British Pathe is owned by the Daily Mail newspaper and General Trust Group.

On Tuesday the website's "Lucky Dip" section -- which retrieves clips randomly from the 3,500 hours of footage -- offered shots of a "thief-proof car"; Ronald Reagan (then an actor) giving evidence to the U.S. Congressional inquiry into "Unamerican" activities; and a short piece showing people running across hot coals.
A sampling from the Lucky Dip today includes a 1934 visit to San Diego by the German battleship Karlsruhe, a 1967 color fillum of a lorry anti-jack-knifing device, a 1937 short of an elephant shaving a man, and a 1930 children's tennis match from Ireland.

Way cool, and free to boot!



Well, it appears that once more Blogger's servers are having some sort of mental aphasia and the whole thing isn't working right. Yes, I know it's free--but doggone it, so is breathing! If I was having as much respiratory trouble as Blogger has bug trouble, I would be hooked up to a ventilator in a hospital.

Guys, fix the problems with your code and your service before you worry too much about the way the flippin' site looks! Of course, this could be just a way to manage the number of subscribers by making a large enough percentage migrate to private domains and Moveable Type. Last guy here, please turn off the lights, okay?



We're gonna need a bigger blog...

Scene--Apartment interior, girl on couch reading magazine
Music--slow, ominous beat

[Sound of door knocking, stage left]

Girl: Who is it?

Voice outside door: (Mumbled) Mrs. Mucmphm

Girl: Who?

Voice: (louder) Plumber.

Girl: Plumber? I didn't call a plumber...who's there?

Voice: Candygram.

Girl: Oh, I love candy!

[Gets up moves to stage left, opens door, music crescendo with loud chord, Girl is met by....]

THE SCOURGE OF RICHARD COHEN VOLUME LXVI!!!

Girl: Screams

[Is eaten by large Land Shark]

In yet another fine outing, Charles Austin examines the latest boating accident of a column by Richard "Not Dreyfuss" Cohen, and decides that a bigger boat is definitely not needed for shooting fish in a barrel:
[...] Among the targets mentioned was the Statue of Liberty. So, naturally enough, New York's governor, George Pataki, went right to the Statue of Liberty to prove either that the report was false or that he was invisible.

Or maybe to demonstrate courage and to stick it in the eye of the bastards by letting them know that we will not be intimidated. Kind of like saying, “I got your target right heah,” in a New York state of mind.

As always in these matters, we were told that we could not allow the terrorists to intimidate us. We must go about our daily business, which includes, for some reason, a visit to the Statue of Liberty.

Uh, maybe because it was explicitly called out as a target?

We denizens of Amity are confused.

If I could get Richard to do one thing for the good of mankind it would be to stop using the royal we in his columns.

Soon, the time will come when we will pay no heed to any alerts, regardless of color, and walk into situations we could have avoided. It's also likely that the police will themselves tire of the constant warnings and relax their vigil.

Yes, it’s called human nature. Not that an illiberal utopian would recognize it even when it jumps up and bites him in the ass.[...]
Indeed.



Good morning--sorry I'm late, but...

I had to go to the dentist AND take Tiny Tornado in for her very first checkup. It's been too long for me--since we moved a few years back, our old dentist is now highly inconvenient to get to, so we have neglected the health of our teef. Fortunately, there was little detrimental stuff found, at least for me. I have a broken filling that needs fixing, and Cat has 22 perfect little razor sharp fangs. The dentist said they even might be too perfect. Nice and white and neatly spaced, but spaced ever too close together, bringing on the specter of orthodontia. Hers are the best--the other kids will probably need them for sure. We'll find out when they go in with Mom on Monday--Reba will have to have a couple of crowns installed. Yikes. I'm sure it won't hurt a bit, and it only cost 500 bucks a crown. Thank goodness for dental insurance.

In any event, for it to be Catherine's first time, things went very smoothly. She got to meet Mr. Slurpy the Magical Oral Suction Device and got squirted in the maw with Mr. Water Gun, both of which delighted her to no end. The tooth goop was strawberry flavored, she got a toothbrush and toothpaste and had her entire head irradiated. I got similar treatment, except they have a new thing now instead of tiny stainless steel picks, which is a high-pressure water jet to loosen plaque. It was very nice, much like stopping in the middle of cleaning your sidewalks and jamming a 5 horsepower pressure washer wand inside your mouth. Ouch. Miss Aimee decided to go back to the archeological approach after having to peel me off the ceiling a couple of times.

The occasional electrifying pain of such work means that I would be much more lax about dental health if it were not for the fact that professional teeth cleaning is the one activity where I can guiltlessly nestle my head between the nicely tanned breasts of a woman not my wife, and on occasion even be asked to "turn toward me, please." It hardly gets better than that, even in America.

We got through and got the bill settled up, and Cat went back to tell everyone in the office 'bye and then it was off to check her in to kindergarten. She got her slip signed and I gave her a big kiss and watched her go around the corner and studiously prepare for her day. Stop at shelf, put backpack on peg, take out snack, put on shelf above peg, take out folder, go to door, turn around and give Daddy a 5000° Kelvin smile, open door and run in. ::sigh:: She sure is growing up.

Got here, signed in, answered some e-mail, was astonished by the traffic generated by one simple link by Tim Blair (thanks again!) and suddenly remembered that I have not assaulted you with the daily Alabama joke! Heavens to Murgatroid! Here we go with one sure to displease both rabid Alabama fans and PETA (so how bad can it be?!):

An Alabama racoon was ambling though the forest when suddenly he felt a trap snap shut on his leg. Try as he might, he could not get free, and began to cry. After a while, an Auburn racoon limped up and asked him what was wrong. "I is done got my lag caught up in this here trap, and I is gonna die!" The Auburn racoon said, "Well, friend, that there's a deep bad thang, but you doesn't has to die. I gots caught in one them traps, and I gots free by chewin' off mah leg. You do that, an' you'll get loose." And he went on his way for to steal some food.

Later toward dawn as the Auburn racoon was making his way back home after his night's activities, he came upon the poor Alabama racoon still in the very same spot in the very same trap. "Why friend! I thoughted I telled you to gnaw your lag off!" "O me," wailed the Alabama racoon, "I done did what you said, but when I didn't get loose after chewin' off three of 'em, I just gived up!"

Thanks everyone, thank you! I also wish to thank my technical advisor, Joel Chandler Harris.


Tuesday, November 19, 2002

EEEK! A Tim Blairalanche, and the place is a wreck!

For those of you trying to figure out what Aussie Tim Cobber Mate is referring to, it's about the World's Biggest Liar competition held over in Olde Sodde that I blogged about last week. Stupid STUPID Blogger seems quite perplexed when it comes to actually taking you to the post for which it assigns a number, meaning that you click on the link and get taken to the top of the page where I talk about helping Boy with his book project. In any event scroll down just a bit and you'll see the stories about the Liar's Contest. No, really, you will--promise.

Since you're here, let me apologize for the way the place looks--we just had all the carpet ripped out, and we're all out of Vegemite, and the dogs won't stay outside, and if I had only known you were coming I could have gotten some fried chicken from the store. We do have some pimento cheese--would you like a sandwich? Just don't sit on the couch--don't ask. Sit over here on the recliner, or you can use one of the kitchen chairs. Thanks for dropping by!





Young Arab breaches security at Stansted Airport
The Associated Press
11/19/02 12:22 PM
LONDON (AP) -- An young man of Arab extraction got past security at London's Stansted Airport and into the cockpit of an empty passenger jet before he was caught, police said Tuesday.

Authorities said, however, they found nothing to link Josef Monti, 18, who lives in Paris, with any terrorist organization.

Monti reportedly broke into the European Aviation Boeing 737 Wednesday and urinated in the cockpit, police said. He pleaded guilty at Chelmsford Crown Court on Friday to one count of criminal damage and two charges under the Aviation Security Act.

Monti was being held for psychiatric evaluation. Police said Monti gave them no credible reasons for his behavior.

British news reports said that after arriving in Britain aboard a Eurostar train from France, Monti asked for directions to north London's Finsbury Park mosque, which is widely regarded as a center of radical Islam in Britain.

Police said they were unable to confirm that report.
So this is what it’s come to—from the pervasive fear of al-Quaida, to the Shoe Bomber, to the Cockpit Pisser. How sad. What’s next?—[insert dreamy sounding music--fade to small bungalow on outskirts of major city]

Hakim, our brother Josef Monti has struck a mighty blow against the Zionists with their effrontery to fly through the houri-filled blue skies of Allah, so we too must do our part, praise Allah.

What is it you propose, beloved brother Achmet?

Thank you for asking—I have the secret weapon feared by all filthy whores of Satan—into this paper bag, I have placed the leavings of vicious unclean mongrel dogs. Upon the doorstep of the Great Satan, I will place this and call down avenging fire upon the sack using this Zippo I stole from the Jew store, and when the vile bastard child of Satan opens his door, he will soil his already filthy shoes as he tries in vain to quench the ever-burning fire of judgment!

::gasp:: Brother Achmet! You are so brilliant in your quest—you didn’t put your fingers on the dog poopies did you?

No, of course not. I made my daughter do it.

Very clever—what great angel of Satan will you strike—The FBI? The CIA? The Postal Offices?

Well, Hakim, a fine and learned question you have asked. The vicious Jewlovers have much power of the djin to do harm to me, and although I glory in martydom, I do not wish to enter Paradise with large portions of my ample, swelling haunches shot away by the blind pigs of Satan, so I was thinking this weapon should be unleashed upon someone more deserving of punishment. Possibly the evil whore dog woman known as Wendy the Weathergirl from the Zionist Channel 8, inshallah.

Ah, again a clever thing to do, and as you also, I do not wish to see your firm and manly hinder regions damaged. When will you do this great deed?

Right now, my brother—I have carefully mapped out my route to the lair of the vile scum woman, and I now will call upon Allah to guide my hand steadily as I light the bag.

But, Achmet…

Silence brother Hakim!

—BUT ACHMET, should you not wait…

AHHHHHHAHHHHHHHH THE BAG!! IT IS ON FIRE!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHGHHHH STOMP IT STOMP IT!

You know, Achmet, your wife is going to be very angry about the burnt poopies upon the carpets of the house.

Shut up, Hakim.



Cracks In the Armor?

In a stunning statement, Axis of Weevil Charter Member and Sole Holder of the Order of Morawski, Lee Ann Morawski herself over at Spinsters, posts the following startling quote yesterday evening--
Next week is the most serious challenge yet thrown at the vaunted Axis of Weevil. Yes, the Iron Bowl. The first Iron Bowl since the Axis’ founding. The epic battle between Alabama and Auburn threatens to rend the Axis asunder. Religion is all well and good, but the Iron Bowl is important.
Next week? NEXT WEEK!? I see Tuberville's evil plan to mislead Alabama into not showing up on Saturday is already having the intended effect. BWWAAHAHAHHAHAHAA! We will win a crushing, overwhelming victory by DEFAULT! Sorta like the thing that goes around every year telling Democrats to vote on Wednesday!

Of course, should this nefarious scheme be found out, and the Tide does manage to show up on time (2:30 p.m. Saturday, November 23, 2002--broadcast on CBS) our plans may need some reworking. Please, no one tell them!

As for the relative importance of this game, all I can say is that I have known of people of mixed marriages, so it is possible to put aside the deep divide for purely carnal reasons (although it is a terrible burden upon the children of such a union). HOWEVER, one of the unspoken, but fully understood tenets of membership in the Axis of Weevil is that we are all free to dispute, rant, rave, yell, cheer, badmouth, or perform other such verbal and literary assaults against whomever we wish in this great conflict, and then go back to our penultimate function of fighting for truth, justice, and the American Way AFTER the Iron Bowl is over, with no rancor or ill-will on either side (except for the continued telling of Auburn-Alabama jokes).

In any event, Miss Lee Ann and all you other Bama fans just remember that the game is NEXT week.

And despite trying so hard, I must share this joke--

Back when Alabama still had the electric chair, four inmates were going to be executed on one day--one had been an Alabama student, one a student at Auburn, one from Tennessee, and one vile creature from the University of Florida. They were gathered all together, and the warden first asked the Auburn student to sit in the chair. He was buckled in, his last statement was taken and the switch was flipped.

Nothing. The warden said it was an act of a merciful God, and to the great relief of the Auburn student, he was allowed to go free.

Next, the Volunteer student was placed in the chair. Statement taken, switch thrown.

Nothing. Breathing a deep sigh, the Rocky Topper was allowed likewise to go free, and went his way praising God.

The third student was placed in the chair, and after saying a quiet prayer to Steve Spurrier, the warden once more ordered the electricity on. And once more...nothing. The Gator was released upon the orders of the warden.

At last it was time for the Crimson Tider, who had been intently watching the entire proceeding. He boldly went over behind the chair and, leaning down for a moment then proudly rising up, proclaimed--"I tell you what you're doin' wrong--you ain't got this thing here plugged in!"



Nate McCord, Fighting Falcon fixer-upper sent along a reminder that today is National Ammo Day.

The Possumblog Armory and Powder Magazine is just now receiving an order of five dozen, 240 round spam cans of Greek .30-'06 ball on stripper clips. The UPS man is having a bit of trouble, but he still has to unload the 5,000 rounds of 6.5x55 Swede, 1,000 rounds of .223, the pallet of 12 gauge magnums, and then there's the other truck full of .45 Silvertips. And the BBs. Can't forget the BBs!



ABC Seeks Sexiest Person in America

"If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve."



Hey, Maw, we done bought us an airline! RSA wins USA Airways bid
The Retirement Systems of Alabama emerged Monday as the winning bidder for US Airways Group, but it didn't have much competition in a bankruptcy auction.

The state pension fund's plan to invest $240 million in the nation's seventh-largest airline was approved by the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Arlington, Va., when no other bidders came forward. The RSA had earlier topped a $200 million offer from Texas Pacific Group.

RSA chief David Bronner said Monday he hopes a deal can be completed within a month that will give the state pension fund a 37.5 percent stake in US Airways once it emerges from bankruptcy. [...]

[Bronner] said he believes the airline will return to profitability soon and it will end up being a good investment for the $26 billion-asset pension fund.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't," he said.
That's $26 Billion with a B--Bronner and the RSA have put together a very profitable portfolio, and one that has continued to do well, even in the past year--if everyone is so concerned about finding education dollars, I say we let Mr. Bronner run the show.



Good Morning!

I got some sleep last night! I feel almost human. I started crashing (figuratively) last night about halfway home, which is not good in the dark when you're driving in bumper to bumper traffic moving at 110 miles an hour. (I'm exaggerating, of course. It wasn't really bumper to bumper--there was probably a good foot or two betwixt everone.) Napping and driving in the dark is probably not the best way to insure long life, so it was nice to get close to home. Not all the way--had to stop and pick up my shirts from the laundry and then stop at Food World to pick up milk and juice boxes and snacks for the kids. It's always crowded at that time, and I had to go with the shortest line rather than the cutest cashier line. The only good thing is that I was able to look over toward the cutest cashier, and it wasn't the mop-headed duuuude on Number 5. Got home and open the garage door and see wife and Middle Daughter frantically motioning for me to get inside. Rebecca came running out and I told her to help me with the stuff, but she was too excited--the excitement inside was the press conference in which Don "For the Children" Siegelman was conceding the election.

I continued to get stuff out and as she finished telling me, I threw my head back and started laughing a loud, sinister fake laugh--"BWaaaah Ha Ha Haaaaaa!!!" and she said, "Shhhh, Daddy! The neighbors will hear you!" "BWWWWAHHHhhhaaahahahaha!!!" She finally rolled her eyes and went inside, as did I, in time to see most of the speech. Oh well, that's over with. I wish I could say good riddance, but some folks become a bit too dependent upon feeding at the public teat, so I know Dapper Don will be back.

Ate supper, read the mail, got Tiny Terror bathed and in the bed, made sure the rest got their baths, and hit the sack at 9:30. Sure was nice.

And now, here I am again. I have a stack of meeting minutes I have to get typed up, so blogging will be sporadic today. Before I go, I wanted to leave you with the second installment of the Bama Joke Week of Wittitude, but some might think it a bit insensitive due to the terrible accident which happened last night in Tuscaloosa. A pickup truck load of Alabama students went off the road and plunged into the Warrior River around Northport. The students in the back of the pickup drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down so they could get out. BA-dump-bump! Thank you, everybody--kinda sneaked that one in there! Anyway, surely you should know by now that nothing will stop the Week of Wittitude, so here is the story of the day:

Two Bama fans were out fishing one day and found a real hot spot. They were just pulling fish in right and left. One says to the other, "You know what, we oughta mark this spot so we can come back again," and pulls out a pencil and draws a big X in the water beside the boat. The other says "You big dumb idiot! Gimme that pencil--" and he grabbed it and marked the X on the side of the boat. "You draw it in the water like that and EVERYBODY will know where it is!"

Thanks again folks! Good night and drive safely!


Monday, November 18, 2002

It's 2:00 p.m., and I just got back.

Blech. That took WAY too long. But it went okay, and there was mighty good food involved, so I suppose it's okay. I was going to fill you in a bit about the weekend, but I am very nearly wiped out by having had only four hours of sleep last night as I once more portrayed Good Daddy, and stayed up until 1:00 a.m. somewhat carefully cutting and taping bits of construction paper together for another reading fair book report presentation type of deal for Middle Girl's benefit. With wonderful fun of this morning, and the benefits of lack of sleep, I am simply too tired to tell you all about Harry Potter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets. Other than it was pretty good, I guess. About like the first, except different. But not a lot. I tell you, this franchise is not ever going to take off without some girls in shorts and some gunplay. Of course, that's just me, and I am very tired.

Anyway, the weekend was more or less as I planned, but with no mouse disposal, and a shutter that got dislodged, and stuff like that. So you haven't missed much, unless you've missed some sleep, in which case you begin to wander around the keyboard like a drunken chipmunk.

Whew! I'm going to start all over tomorrow, and see if this comes along any better! See you then...



Fourth Quarter, 1:25 Remaining, Fourth and Fifteen, One Play, Three Points...

The difference in a Number 7 team and a Number 25 team. What a game, though, even if we did wind up losing. Georgia showed some real poise, dang it all, and managed to hold it together long enough to get that one play. Game of inches, any given Saturday and all.

Oh well, time to start beating the drum for the Bama game. For those of you outside of Alabama, the Auburn-Alabama game is religious in its fervor. It is one of the defining questions of who you are, much like "sweet or unsweet," "inside meat or outside," "chopped or sliced," or "Winn Dixie or Food World." Around here, answering something like "Notre Dame" to the question of who you pull for is more or less a self-imposed sentence of exile. Oh, people will be nice to your face, but once you leave they will talk bad about you. In mean, cruel tones. In the end, there are only two schools--Auburn or Alabama. That's it.

As part of each side's attempt to sway public opinion, there is a near-constant barrage of verbal sparring. Auburn-Alabama joke books are one of the state's major industries, and are the staple of political and religious speeches, as well as fodder for the break room.

Not one to allow such high culture to be sequestered within our borders, and realizing what a bully pulpit a somewhat regularly read blog can be, Possumblog will hereby unleash upon the unwitting world a Week of Wittitude featuring a daily joke skewering the Crimson Tide. Those of you who don't appreciate someone picking on the precious Crimson and White are welcome to start your own list. Today's installment begins:

Two Alabama Law School grads went out to Colorado to hunt elk. They had a wonderful guide and managed to bag six of the magnificent animals. After they were finished for the trip, they made their way back to the bush plane, only to be met with the worried look of their pilot. "Fellows, those are some prime animals, but I'm afraid they're going to be too big to take back with us--we've only got enough space for you and four of the elk." Both of the Bama grads started showing off their skills in legalese, threatening action for breech of contract, fraud, and every other thing imaginable, and finally wound it all up in the end by saying "And furthermore, when we came out here last year we killed elk, too, and we flew in a plane just like this one--the exact same model, in fact! We are NOT leaving our elk."

Although still frightened, the pilot feared he had no choice, and after a while elk, equipment, guns and men were crammed into the tiny plane. It sputtered and wobbled and managed at the last minute to become airborne. It was not to last, though, as after only a few miles the engine began to lose power and finally ground to a stop. After a terrifying crash into a snowbank, the men were able to drag themselves from the wreckage. Although the plane was a total loss, they had all survived.

The pilot said, "I think I know where we are..." and one of the Bama grads said, "Yeah, me too! This looks like it's about a mile from where we crashed last year!"

Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week.

BUT, right now I have to go prepare to give a presentation, and I will not be back until later on this afternoon, so I will catch you up on everything else upon my return.


Friday, November 15, 2002

So, Mr. Possumblogger...

...now that you don't have soccer practice and games, what do you do with your time? Glad you asked, Imaginary Friend!

Last night was spent helping Boy with his reading fair book project report presentation deal thing. Everyone in the whole elementary school has to come up with some sort of large two-dimensional somethingorother which illustrates some salient point or character in the book, some interesting bits of pasted-on verbiage, and a "commercial" intended to spark the interest of the viewer of the artwork and cause him or her to rush willy-nilly to the public storehouse of books and beat down the door to get a copy.

As with all modern elementary school homework, this wall hanging/exercise-in-marketing cannot actually be done by a child, but requires Parental Involvement™. To make it even harder, the Parent™ must not allow his influence to show through to the finished product, but rather work in the idiom of a primitive folk painter, allowing the finished example to not look like an adult did it, but like a highly intelligent and enriched child had done it. Much like a clever Cold War Russki spy, my fingerprints had to be carefully erased, the five year course of architectural education neatly hidden, the secrets of the adhesive properties of tape, glue, paste, and friction artfully disguised as mere happenstance in the hands of a child. And I have a Past. There have been shoebox dioramas for Curious George, model bicycles and Christmas lights for Genies Don't Ride Bicycles, a Revolutionary War campsite with soldiers handpainted onto clothespins, models of Elizabeth Regina I done with a Styrofoam ball and Pringles can--each artfully and skillfully rendered, and each having at least two and one half minutes of actual Student Participation™ (cleverly redirected toward activities such as helping Daddy find the glue, or throwing away paper scraps, or sitting quietly beside the table waiting for instructions rather than dangerous stuff such as cutting out things or lining things up).

Last night's project was a "character hanging" (no, not Tom Dooley) which had to use, for some odd reason, a wire coathanger as the base. Onto this was to be attached a paper plate (or other suitable renewable-resource-based product) head, and below a cut-out body of sorts, the whole of which was intended to create the Gestaltic avataristic essence of the book's main character. The crudely photocopied instruction sheet on how this thing was supposed to look included a couple of pictures of some other kid's work, which I must say, looked like hammered crap. This was going to be a cinch.

In this case, Boy's chosen book was Arthur's Christmas, by the creator of Arthur the lovable aardvark, Marc Brown. (And not to be confused with Arthur's Perfect Christmas, or Arthur Decks the Halls, or Arthur's Christmas Rave and Arrest, or Arthur Samples Adult Holiday Beverages)

Having read the book twice, and after consulting with Mama, Boy was determined to complete a hanging showing Arthur in pajamas holding a package wrapped in Pokemon wrapping paper. Okay, whatever, son--although in the story Arthur has decided to get Santa a present and winds up whipping up a huge bowl of glop. ::sigh:: Reading comprehension means little when there is the opportunity to insert a bit of artistic license in the form of Pikachu on red shiny paper.

So, to work. Corrugated brown cardboard box lid provided a suitable head (paper plates...PLEASE!) which was quickly cut out and upon which a scrap of the white side of the box was cut out into requisite dorky glasses and pasted onto head. Body of poster board--crudely, yet pleasantly and accurately rendered and outlined and patterned in thin blue stripes, little hands of brown cardboard. Onto this was glued six strips of paper (cut out entirely by Boy, but only after having been carefully lined off by Dad and after repeated admonishments not to screw up the cutting) which had short sentences inscribed upon them: "He wants to make Santa a present," "He asks his parents for help," etc., which were carefully inked in Sharpie marker (!) but only after a certain Dad had provided faint penciled-in lettering to follow, and last, the two final pieces of graphic excresence, a larger piece of paper with the title of the book, and the vaunted "commercial." The title block was based upon the candy-striped border of the book's cover, which was carefully outlined by Dad, then colored expertly by Son, except for one teeny mistake in which the order of red-white-red-white was jarred by a red-white-red-red-white incident. Having had some experience at this Game allowed me to know that this was an acceptable level of wrongitude, which a less-experienced parent might have been tempted to correct. Oh, no--leave it be. It only adds to the artifice. In the center was the shaky, outline-lettered title, spelled absolutely right, yet slightly off center enough to show that charming lack of attention associated with child's artwork. All colored in and looking good. Last the spiel about the book, which was written on another large paper, this time with a framework reminiscent of the arched window on the front of the book. Once more, Wonderdad lightly drew in Boy's words--well, more or less his words, except edited for content, spelling, punctuation, and grammar, and Boy colored in the shutters and background and inked the text.

The final result was stunning--the elegant, simple style of Marc Brown's illustrations, with their economy of strokes and elemental forms, makes constructing a recreation with plausibly deniable Parental Involvement™ that much easier. And Boy had a good time.

We were sitting there at the kitchen table, and he was excitedly coloring in the various bits of stuff and chattering about the book, and he stopped for a moment and said, "You know what, Daddy?"

"What, Buddy?"

"I sure like having you as my daddy."

"Yeah, well I like having a little boy just like you to be a daddy for."

So, even though soccer is over, I still have plenty to do to stay occupied. Tonight we have Middle Girl's soccer party, then tomorrow one of the kids' church friends is having a birthday and we're all going to see the new Harry Potter flick, and I really need to scrape the pumkin guts off the front porch from Halloween, and I really, REALLY need to check on those mousetraps I set out last month, and I need to go to the dump, and the seat cover on the truck needs to be replaced, and there's all that stack of laundry, and then there's the Auburn game to watch, and then there's church on Sunday, and then there's that whole 'being a good dad' thing.

I manage to stay busy, I suppose. ANNYway, all of you take care of yourselves and I'll see you Monday.



Finally, someplace my talents might be of use...

World's biggest liar to defend title

LONDON (Reuters) - The World's Biggest Liar will defend his title against a small but devious group of challengers in a pub in northern England later today.

George Kemp beat five-time winner John Graham last year with a string of tall tales including one about his grandfather's greyhound which he said stopped in the middle of a race to have pups and then went on to win, followed by the puppies.

This year's eight entrants will meet for dinner in the Bridge Inn, Santon Bridge in the picturesque Lake District to limber up with a few pints of ale before going head to head with their lies.

"They put their names in a hat and are picked out one by one," pub manager Teresa Appleton told Reuters by telephone. "Each one then has five minutes to tell a pack of lies."

A panel of six judges sits through the performances and then retires to consider its verdict.

The winner gets the princely sum of 25 pounds in cash, a tie proclaiming them the World's Biggest Liar and a silver cup they can keep for a year.

"The competition is tough. They all keep their lies a strict secret until the night," organiser Ian Congdon said. "We are looking for originality, delivery and humour."

The competition, which attracts interest from around the world, was inspired by 19th century Bridge Inn landlord Will Ritson who kept his customers entertained with fictitious tales about the surrounding area.
Bunch of amateurs, and Limeys to boot! Whenever you fellers pick one, send him on over here and let him get his comeuppance. I'll even pay for his airplane ticket and hotel room.

Well, well, an UPDATE: World's Biggest Liar fends off opposition
LONDON (Reuters) - The World's Biggest Liar has kept his title for a second year, fending off competitors at a northern pub by boasting of his exploits on a wooden motorcycle.

George Kemp, 35, told how he rode a balsa wood motorcycle to victory at the Isle of Man TT race, stopping to take advice from formula one driver Nigel Mansell who was walking his dog on the course.

"It was very tight this year," competition organiser Ian Congdon said by phone from the Bridge Inn, Santon Bridge, where competitors were still noisily celebrating. "It could have gone any way between two or three people."

One competitor boasted of how he had disproved a theory that French Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte had only one testicle, while another told of an expedition to Africa where he had met Elvis Presley.

In second place was former five-time winner John Graham, who was stripped of his crown last year by Kemp with the tale of his grandfather's greyhound, which gave birth to pups in the middle of a race before going on to win, followed by the puppies.

"The entrants try very hard to keep a straight face," said Congdon. "They're judged on delivery, humour -- anything that keeps you entertained, and George certainly did that."[...[
A bloody wooden motorcycle and prissy Nigel!?! THAT'S ALL YOU GOT!? Please. My offer still stands--get on over here and let's have at it, Georgie.



Rice remembers terror in Alabama

From the Alameda Times, a story by Brenda Payton:
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER Condoleezza Rice sat in the Roosevelt Room of the West Wing of the White House, confidently outlining the Bush administration's case for military action in Iraq.

Sitting under a painting of President Teddy Roosevelt on horseback, she answered questions about the war on terrorism, North Korea's nuclear program and the crisis in the Middle East with ready knowledge.

A question she may not have anticipated took her back to her childhood in Birmingham, Ala. Rice, the first African-American woman to serve as national security adviser, was 8 years old when a bomb went off in the basement of 16th Street Baptist Church, killing four little girls who had just finished their Sunday school lesson.

[...] "You know, in some ways, history takes funny turns and you have a sense that it shocked good people who were perhaps silent into a recognition that this was intolerable. Birmingham has healed in a lot of ways. I think it probably started its healing when people began to realize that you couldn't tolerate this level of hate."

She said she didn't realize it at first, even after 9/11, but with the images coming out of the Middle East, she began to recognize the impact of her experience in Birmingham on her positions.

"The pictures of the children and the families and what they were coping with," she said. "I think what you recognize, if you've been through home-grown terrorism, which is what that was in Birmingham, is you recognize there isn't any cause that can be served by it. No cause, good, bad, indifferent can be served by terrorism. Because it's meant to end the conversation. To end the search for a solution. It's meant to terrorize and frighten people and bludgeon them into submission."

She adamantly refuted the idea that because she serves in the Bush administration she doesn't identify with African Americans.

"I am African American and proud of it. I wouldn't have it any other way. It has shaped who I am, and it will continue to shape who I am. I do not believe that it has limited who I am or what I can become. Because I had parents who, while telling me what it meant to be African American and exposing me to that, also allowed me to develop as an individual to be who I wanted to be."
Indeed.



The South's Longest Running Football Rivalry

If there's one game that matches the Auburn-Alabama contest for intensity, it has to be Auburn-Georgia. This year the Dogs make the trek down I-85 for the 106th meeting between the schools, and it promises to be a real whimdoozie (to use a Keith Jacksonism). Possumblog Sports Central's vivacious and voluptuous Chief Statistician Ipsa Dixie tells me that in the 106 outings since 1892, a total of 3,120 points have been scored by both teams, yet Auburn leads by a mere touchdown--1,563-1,557. She also notes that the 1996 game was the first in SEC history to use overtime play, after four of which Georgia prevailed 56-49. (She has also asked for a raise and for me to stop creating a hostile work environment by mentioning how much she looks like Gail Gardner. Sheeyeah, right.)

Obviously, AP 7th ranked Georgia is favored this year due to a great season (9-1, 6-1 SEC), and are out for blood having LOST the past three years in a row, but this game is always close and hard-fought, and Georgia has the advantage down on the Plains--11 games to 8, with 2 ties. Suzanne Tuberville's husband says the team is ready to go, but we'll just have to tune in Saturday and find out for sure. It's supposed to be chilly, in the mid-40s, and a bit wet, which is bad news for the Tigers who have had a terrible time holding on to the ball, at least during the first part of the season. Any turnovers in this game will decide the outcome.

But more importantly than simple statistics and strategy, there is the issue of the cheerleading squad, and I have to say UGA's bringing a lot to the table! As opposed to some opponents this year who couldn't even manage a simple snapshot, The Silver Britches have a nice selection of peppy sorts of folks with a nice webpage, including a link to their coach, Marilou Braswell, who is just real hot.

Given the outstanding talent, this is going to be a tough one to call--I can't go against my team, but the margin of victory will be close--Possumblogger's Pick: Auburn 2, Georgia 1-1/2.

(Should Georgia manage to win this year and decide to make a move toward the shrubbery, we would like to remind you all that the sprinkler system has been thoroughly checked and is ready to go, just like in 1989.)



And speaking of the governor's race mess...

1880 flap in governor's race almost came to duel
[...] Tom Carney, editor of Old Huntsville magazine, said the campaign for a U.S. congressional seat that pitted Republican William Manning Lowe against Democratic Gen. Joseph Wheeler was similar to this year's gubernatorial campaign, not just because of the mudslinging and the recount, but because politicians outside the state were pulling the strings. [...]

The author of a biography about Wheeler, John Dyer, said the dispute almost ended up in a duel a resolution thus far not suggested by Siegelman or Riley.

Dyer wrote in his 1941 biography "From Shiloh to San Juan: The Life of `Fightin' Joe' Wheeler," that Wheeler prepared for the expected duel with Lowe by ordering revolver ammunition and practicing on targets.

Siegelman and Riley settled for calling each other liars. [...]
Well, at least so far they have.



Vanity of vanities; all is vanity

House Democrats urge Siegelman not to contest race

For all the local folks who continue to cast the Alabama governor's race as a repeat of Florida, this should give you some pause--
DAVID WHITE
News staff writer

MONTGOMERY--Democrats in the state House of Representatives Thursday urged Democratic Gov. Don Siegelman not to ask the Legislature to pick Alabama's next governor, which they say could badly hurt the party.

"It'll ruin the Democrats. They'll be perceived as trying to take the election," said Rep. Joe Carothers, D-Dothan, a 28-year legislative veteran.

He and more than a dozen other House Democrats, in town for a caucus meeting, said in interviews that they don't want Siegelman to contest the governor's race, which would force the House and Senate to pick a winner after hearing complaints and judging the evidence. [...]
Despite the constant yowling of Siegelman and Rip Andrews about uncounted votes, or the ballots being too difficult for Siegelman supporters to figure out, or discrimination or dark conspiracies--it is apparent that when even YOUR OWN PARTY says it's time to call it a day, it's time to call it a day. The only problem with Coruthers' comment is that Donnie doesn't give a rat's nekkid tail about the future of the Democratic Party in this state--his only concern is himself.

And once more, the only source of Siegelman's complaint is an erroneous, unofficial tabulation sheet given to the press on election night--his own campaign staff knew the count before the tabulation was released, as did Riley's, and Siegelman knows he lost. Yes, it was a slim margin, and yes, Alabama probably does need a mechanism for automatic recounts in close races that removes the final decision away from both the Legislature and the courts, and yes, Alabama did not do a good job of insuring that conflicts in the Election Reform Act of 1983 were removed, BUT, even the Dems know this fight is better fought another day--they already hold all the power--both Houses, the lieutenant governorship, the secretary of state, and the continued interference of power-hungry Siegelman is getting in the way of their own reelection prospects in a couple of years.

Just another day at the sausage factory.

(By the way, the story about Siegelman saying that his uneducated, illiterate supporters couldn't understand the optical scan ballots used in the state--his direct quote was: "I would argue that most of Bob Riley's voters have taken a test where you have to fill out those things," Siegelman said. "I represent poor people, working class folks, mom and pop store owners. A lot of those people didn't necessarily know the right technique to vote an optical scan ballot." --is particularly interesting given that Siegelman was elected to attorney general in 1986, lieutenant governor in 1994, and governor in 1998 using those very same optical scan ballots. In any case, basing your argument on the failure of stupid people is another one of those dogs which won't hunt.)


Thursday, November 14, 2002

Fall is an iffy thing

At least around here in the South. Up North, it's pretty much taken for granted that you'll have all sorts of color on the trees, but down here the results of vegetative hibernation often leave a lot to be desired. It's got to be just enough rain during the year, and just enough cold, and just enough everything else--lots of years all the leaves just die, turn brown and fall off. Sometimes we get a day or two of color, then they blow off in the next thunderstorm. The last few years have been tough because of drought.

But for some reason, this year here at the tail end of the Appalachians has just been beautiful. I noticed it this weekend on one of our trips across town, but this is just about the prettiest fall we've had in a long time. Even the horrible storms didn't manage to ruin the trees--the ginkgos and elms and hickories and oaks and maples and beeches and sweet gums are something to see. We came up and over Red Mountain and Ruffner Mountain and were able to look off across Shades Valley with the early afternoon sun low in the bright blue sky and it looked like heaven.

For those of us who don't get to see it every year, it's extra special.



DO NOT PUSH

One of the bad things about having a paying job is missing out on the trip around the blogroll--just dropped in to Francesca Watson's Yorkieblog, and find out she's...well, I'll let her tell you:
Someone sent me an e-mail saying that I'm sounding a bit cranky these days. They're right -- I'm cranky. Too much going on and a lot of it stressful: legal actions pending; Nick's hernia surgery next week; an impeding visit from my dad (love him, but he pushes my buttons, and they don't need more pushing at the moment); still digging out from under two years of financial catastrophe; more deadlines than I can count (or meet, probably); car problems; blah blah blah.

And did I mention that I have an adolescent daughter? 'Nuff said.

So yes, life is happening to me, as it also happens to the two of you who stop in here with some regularity. I have no business complaining about it because I am acutely aware of how much worse off I could be. But I am tired, and stretched a bit thin (though not thin enough to fit into those size 14 pants I'm hankering for, darn it!), and lots of stuff seems to be pressing down on me all at once at a time when -- after four years of particularly difficult struggle -- I was sort of hoping for a break, a breather, a period of time in which to just deal with daily minutae, and not big, major Life Events (tm). Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your viewpoint), we don't always get what we hope for.

So.... I'm cranky.

Ah well. Come back sometime when you have a few minutes, and I'll try to be in better spirits.
Well, my motto is "Don't get mad, get a blog." No, wait it's "Don't get mad, get very quiet and sneak up on people and stand behind them until they notice you and then stare at them when they turn around." Either that, or, "Don't get mad, get a labelmaker and put labels on everything in the house." Actually, my motto is "Get mad and have a fit--rant, rave, bloviate, chew tinfoil--and then watch Bonanza." Where was I going with this...OH YEAH, as one of regular visitors to The Blog Called Yorkie, I just wanted to let Miss Franfresca know that the Possumblog Burnout Support Network is up and running, and at the modest cost of only $4.99 per minute for the first three minutes and only $2.45 for each additional minute, our specially trained operators will be happy to listen quietly and offer sage advice when prompted. (For Entertainment Purposes Only--Not affiliated with any university or other institution. Void where prohibited. May cause burning sensation between toes.)

Also, be sure and scroll down the page to Mrs. Watson's recent exchange with a student of the proto-Marxist [all derogatory references deleted due to space requirements] professor Peter N. Kirstein of St. Francis Xavier University in Chicago. The restraint shown by the young man who originally wrote to Professor Kirstein is incredibly classy considering the tone of the original response to his request, and likewise Francesca's comments to the student who has defended Kirstein is a model of reason and decorum.

Pearls before swine, says me.

Anyway, go drop in on her and please keep your fingers off the cotton-pickin' buttons!



Third time I've started this post now...

And I just give up.

I had started to write all about the travails of the past couple of day's worth of computer kludgery, but I haven't been able to finish the posts due to CONTINUED computer freeze-ups brought on by our intranet's case of ill humor and our MIS guy who just walked in to use the phone, causing me to have to hit the panic button and close the program.

Yesterday was a killer, had to go in an delete a huge stack of old stuff, managed to mistakenly delete stuff I had been working on, got it back late in the afternoon, found out that in one of the many outages I hadn't saved my last changes, had to go in and frantically fix all the formatting and spelling stuff I had already fixed once, then go back and recreate about the last quarter of slides I had done prior to the Big Burp, finally got it all working, boss dropped by at 4:45 to look at it and luckily said 'burn it' and that was that. Whew.

Interspersed with all of that has been everything else I am supposed to do--got my other show done about the old Kress building, had our Pretty Police meeting yesterday morning, went to my friend's dad's funeral yesterday afternoon, had to go teach the high school kid's class last night (they actually have gotten progressively better throughout the quarter--almost as if they're listening!), and tried to keep up with the nice letters from all of you.

Seems like the "Real Southerner" list brought out a lot of latent Southernosity in folks--special thanks to Huw Raphael at Doxos, who proudly matches up well with the list and who spread it around to several of his LiveJournal friends. Hey, y'all, thanks for dropping by. Dr. Weevil's NASA engineer brother Steevil also sent along a message to say that the deal with navigating by non-existent landmarks is also common up Rhode Island way, in addition to here. Good thing Bugs Bunny never asked for directions around here--that left turn in Albuquerque would be the least of his trouble. (And would you Nueva Mexicans please change the spelling to "Albakerkie"! Or "Bob.") Speaking of the Land of Entrapment (all you hot shoes know of what I speak), I got a nice letter from Larry Anderson from over in Kudzu Acres--
I knew every item on the list and some others. After spending thirty years away from AL, I don't talk Southern so much, but I definitely understand it.

A few years ago, I brought a Hispanic friend down to Huntsvul on business. Before we left New Mexico, I told him how to understand Southern: "All one syllable words are pronounced with a minimum of three and complete sentences can be single words. For example: Jeet?"
Translated--"Did you eat?" To which the proper negative response is "Naw-joo?", translated--"No, did you?" Which is why 'English As A Second Language' classes around here work so very well. Finally, I got a good one from long-time normal person and Possumblog reader Barbara Manning--
I couldn't read this without thinking of a classic which was coined by a dear lifelong, friend and quintessential Southern Lady, with all the trimmings and graces of the Old South. We grew up together in a little NC village of 2000 - but our professional paths took us in totally different directions in life. After we retired, we were sitting on her beachfront deck one day, deep in one of our favorite discussion subjects: "Comparing US and THEM." The discussion ended with this comment from her: "The difference between a Southern Lady and a northern harridan is that a Southern Lady knows when and where it is appropriate to say motherf&*%#@."

THE DEVIL MADE ME SEND THIS TO YOU!!!!! But I've just never heard anything else that more succinctly explained the difference.

Nuff sed.
And how!

I have also managed to miss a whole string of interesting search requests which manage to drop confounded Googleers into the smoking tire dump which is Possumblog.

Just had a German visitor searching for porno powerpoint presentation. Hmmm. "Wow! Would ya look at those bullet points!" Sorry, nothing here like that. But danke shoen for dropping by anyway.

Next, a very disappointed person looking for marching bands capes in-stock. Unfortunately, due to space constraints and the large leak in the warehouse roof, the Possumblog Mining, Machinery and Band Supply Company no longer keeps capes in stock, although we can order anything you want at cost plus 5% and sales tax. We also have Mrs. Rodney Jean Jenson who is a whiz with thread and satin and can make anything if you just give her a picture.

The Possumblog Sports Department got the call on this one-- +"ultimate frisbee" +topless +pictures. Yep, I guess that nekkid Frisbee would be the ultimate, alright.

Sick, sick, sick--possum playing dead photo image. Look, how you get your kicks in private is your own business, Bub, but don't come around here looking to satify your odd little cravings.

Speaking of which, there's this one--winona ryder porcelain skin. You mean you can eat off of it?! Or maybe Danbury Mint will put out a nice commemorative plate.

One for the fans of Classicism--what michigan city was named for a greek fighter against the ...Against who!? The Spartans? The Trojans? The Persians? The Turks? The request string was truncated, yet thankfully the visitor managed to get a door leading to Possumblog, which is the repository of all knowledge, much like the ancient Library at Alexandria.

In this case, it is likely our poor reader is thinking of a very famous Greek fighter Spiro Koulaxizis, who fought in the Michigan Boxing Club Bantamweight Division against such noted boxers as Jim "The Cobbler" Thornton, Ned Bunder, Theodorus Juergens, and Gunter Turgidsson. His adopted home town of Bronsonville was so grateful for the acclaim that he brought to their town that they decided to honor him by renaming the town after him. A clerical error at the Michigan State Capitol resulted in the misspelling of his name as Kalamazoo on the bill which was presented before the Legislature and voted upon. Deciding it was not worth the trouble to petition the State House to correct the name, the town fathers were successful in persuading Koulaxizis to change his name to Detroit.

Finally, to catch us all up on Mrs. Hanji Sal, there sadly has been no further response from her since my last reply to her. Either she has gotten so tired of reeling me in that she decided to cut the line, or she figured out that I was having a bit of fun at her expense. Or maybe she's on her way with a big box of money! COEM ON MOENEY!!


Wednesday, November 13, 2002

You mean you're still checking in?!

Man, what a craptacular day--work, funeral, work, computer crashes which wipe out everything that was done at first--aargh.

But, at least there is Wade Kwon, local boy wonder reporter for the Post-Herald, who like the Swampers has been known to pick a song or two, and managed to come up with this homage to Skynyrd and our lovely governor's race. Enjoy, and I'll see you tomorrow sometime.

November 13, 2002

The Ballad of the Ballot Battle
By Wade Kwon
Birmingham Post-Herald


To the tune of "Sweet Home Alabama," with apologies to Lynyrd Skynyrd:

Big pols keep on spinning
Can't decide where to begin
Whining long about the voting
I miss Wallace once again
He'd certainly grin, yes.

Well I heard Mr. Riley claim he won it
Well I heard ol' Bob needle Don
Well I hope the Rep will lead us
And the horse he rode in on anyhow.

Cheat us, Alabama
Where the votes aren't so true
Cheat us, Alabama
Lord, I'm counting twice for you.

In Birmingham they want a governor
Now the incumbent, sure he'll do
Now Siegelman does not bother us
Does his conscience bother you?
Sell the truth.

Can't count, Alabama
Where school bills are past due
Can't count, Alabama
Lord, it can't be 2002
Here I freak, Alabama.

Now Baldwin County has the totals
And they've been known to lose a box or two
Lord they hack me off so much
They let us down, now we're feeling blue
Now how about you?

Don't try, Alabama
Where the skies are so gray
Let's cry, Alabama
Lord, I'm heading to Bombay.

Please help Alabama (Oh please help us)
Where the voters stew (And the "governors" sue)
Next time, Alabama
Lord, I'm waiting for a coup.

(Yeah, yeah, Montgomery's got the question.)


Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Boy, am I tired...

Still plugging away at my various exercises in futility, and found the following in my e-mail box courtesy of Osmondistan's own Nate McCord:

Some of you I know understand every item on this list... You know who you are... Nate

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit" and a "conniption," and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
Even worse is to pitch a fit and fall back in it.
Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
Almost as much as a passle, a bit more than a whole heaping wad.
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Also, true Southerners will give directions based upon landmarks which no longer exist, such as: "Head off down yonder a fur piece and turn right past where the old icehouse used to be." An actual example is the turn from Highway 280 onto State Road 147 in Lee County, Alabama which is the last stretch of road to Auburn. The spot is called "The Bottle," named for an old outdoor advertising display of a giant ketchup bottle which stood alongside the old diner. It hasn't been there since the late '50s. Everyone still calls it The Bottle, though. It's even marked as such on the official state highway map.
Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
Usually, this means no stopping off on the way back for various activities.
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
Nor should any small child fall for the ploy of elderly, mustachioed aunts who say "Come here and let me give you a Yankee dime!" It ain't no dime, and Bruton's Scotch Snuff on your aunt's breath does not make for a very nice kiss.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Especially true when the stomach says it's time to eat, and MeeMaw and Aunt Till are still talking about how long the meat should cook.
Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
Or a pecan pie. In fact, bring me one right now, and I'll make up a crisis to justify getting it.
Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
See Yonder, above.
Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
One should never be given liquor, one should never be given firearms, and one should never be given either. That's as much inside information as I'm willing to disclose.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
Unless it's up on blocks by the mailbox, in which case it's used as a method of marking the entrance to the driveway.
A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun or a verb.
As in, "I'm fixin' to start fixin' the car." Nate's e-mail also said it can be used as an adverb, but I can't figure that one out.
Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger", or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
Which may explain the constant use of the term during the All-Fired Axis of Weevil Scary Story Blogburst 2002. I also used to have a cat name Booger, a name given him because when he was a kitten he was such an ugly little booger.
Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Might as well.
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
Only half?
True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
Although you can say it to one person, as in "Are y'all coming for dinner?" meaning the person spoken to and all of the people in his house.
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Hot, buttered, no sugar, pinch of salt. Maybe some cheese, although any further additions such as bacon or sausage are somewhat suspect.
Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
Well, not yet anyways...just wait.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' ... ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
And I am the worst culprit.
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
Of course, it goes without saying that tea is meant to be served over ice. Hot tea is only tea halfway done.
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
Well, true Southerners never scream--yell, holler, yelp, call hogs, etc., but screaming is so undignified. Especially when Grandmama might be packing a .45.

Anyway, thanks to Nate, and thanks for stopping by today. I am heading out, and will warn you that tomorrow will be similarly light in the bloggage department. Regulatory meeting early, then more stupid PowerPoint, then a funeral, then back to work, then church.

Did I mention I sure am sleepy?



Good morning, loyal reader!

Or should I say, 'readers,' because my base has expanded to a full three people who regularly read Possumblog.

Oh, who am I kidding?!

In any event, yesterday, as you know, I was at home with house duty, washing clothes and trying to clean house, and didn't get close to finishing until well after Robin Williams was really wound up tight on Letterman. I am so sleepy I could climb into the hopper of a garbage truck and be out in two minutes. Saturday and Sunday were equally exhausting, and then there were the ternadies, and I just found out a friend of the family has passed away, and I suppose that some time this week you might get to hear all about it, BUT, since I was off having a nice Veteran's Day yesterday, I am now desperately behinder than normal, and must do two presentations within the next 48 hours, which will not be fun, even if I were in the back of a garbage truck. So, Possumblogging will have to take a backseat for a couple of days here, much to the delight of those who hate long run-on sentences or words like "ternadies." (Hey, just be glad I didn't say "tordie-doos.")

SO, go visit all the other folks up top and read what they have to say and tell 'em Terry says hey! (And by the way, no word back from Mrs. Hanji Sal--I suppose she's still having the last e-mail translated.)


Saturday, November 09, 2002

Now, you know I don't usually post on the weekends, BUT...

...when the subject is so important as a message from MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL of the AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. ONE OF THE INTERNATIONAL BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE, I must let you all know!

I checked my e-mail this morning, and found that either my last response to Dear Mrs. Hanji Sal did not go through or I just forgot to send it. In any event, she (or he) sent the exact same message again, and I sent back the same response. Not expecting anything for the remainder of the weekend, I almost decided not to check my mail tonight.

Oh, I am so happy I did! Because there, in my box, was a hot, fresh, toasty warn NEW MESSAGE! Hooray!
My dear,
I have read your message,I did not mean to insult you by saying that your message sounds funny,but just to let you know how serious i am.

However,I propose to you that you should open a non residence account in our bank where the money will be transfer first as your account cannot contain the money,then from there you can withdraw some money to open more account where the lest money will be transfered immediately and you will send me some money from it for my traveling preperation.

I want get positve answer to this message by monday.My name is Mrs Hanji Mariey Sal so i can write Mrs hanji or Mrs sal
there all the same thing.
Thanks
Mrs Hanji
Un-friggin-believable! In case you haven't been following along, scroll back down to Monday and read forward--this is a REALLY desperate African e-mail scammer! But, never being one to disappoint, I once more send her correspondent into the breach and see how much more she is willing to take before she gives up. Here we go...
HELLOW MY GOOD FREIND MR.S HANJI SAL.,

IT LOOKKS LIKE MY MONNEY IS JUS AROUND THECORNER!! COMEON BIG MOENY---JUST LIEK THEY SAY ON WHEALL OF FOURTUNE!! I HAVE ALLWAS WANTED TO MEAT VANNA WHITE AND NOWIT LOOKS LIEIK I WILL!

THE RAMP MAN HAS DONE FINISHDE OUR RAMP AND EVEN PUTTED THE PAINT ONIT AND IT LOOKS FERY NIEC, BUT HE IS NOW W ANTING TO BE PAYED, SO I WILLBE GLAD TO SEE THAT BIG BOX IN OUUR UTITLLIEY ROOM. I NKNOW THA T ITS IS SO BAD THAT THE PORE MAN HAD TO DIE IN THE WQORLD TRADE CENTER, BUT AT LEAS HE CANN HELP US OUT WITH AL OF HIS MOEYNY. MY MOTHRE IS STILL THINKING THAT WE WLIL NOT BE GITTING OUR MONY, BUTT I TOLED HER THAT MRS. SAL WILL BE HERE SOON WITH THE BOX AND WE WIL BE SO WELTHEY THAT WE WILL EVEN BE ABEL TO BUYE HER THE BRNDA NEW HONDA CIVIC SHE HAS BIN LOOKIN AT-----MR>BOB AT THE CAR LOT HAS A BRAND NEW ONE THAT IS ONLY FIVE YEERS OLD AND IT WIL BE AS GOOD AS KNEW WONCE THE ARE CONDITIOJNNING IS FICKED. HE SURE IS A NIEC MAN, BUT HE WANST HIS MONEY TWO! SOME PEOPEL AR FERY IMPAASHINT, ARN'TE THEY??????

I TOLD mr. BOB THAT MR.S. SAL WAS GOINGN TO SND ME A HUGE BOX OF MONEY TO PAYE FOR HTE CAR AND HE LAGUGHED INTO MY FAEC. SOM PEOLLPLE ARF SO MEAN--YOU KNOWE, IT IS NO SECET THAT MR.BOB AND MY MENE NEIGHBR TAEK GRETE PLESURE IN MAKING FUN OF THE DISABTLED. WON DAY I WILL SHOW THIM WHAT A MISSTEAK THAY HAVE MADE WITH THERE CRULETY--WITH YO'UR HELPTHAT IS!!!!!!!!!!

MI ANUT HAS DONE GON TO THELIPOSECTUN DOCTRE TO GET A ESTIMUTE ON HER THIEGHS. HESIDE THAT HE THINKS SHE IS VERRRY PRFTTY FOR A BIG WOHMAN AND THAT TAKIN OFF SOME OFF HE EXXESSSEVE LIPID TISSIEU WILL MAKE HE R EVNE MORE ATTRACIVE TO TEH OPPISITIE SECTS. i THINNK SHE LOOKSS FINE.

i TREID TO GOTO THE BANK TODAYB,UT TODAY IS SATIRUDAY. MISTER HARRIS AT THE BANK IS STILL TELING ME THET MRS. SAL IS NOTE GOING TO SENDE ME MY BOXS OF MEONEY, BUT I TOLED HIM THAT YOU PROMIISED TO PUT IT IN OUR UTTILITTEY ROEM. ALTHOUHG MY LIEF IF FUL OF MISFORTOONE,,,I KNOW IT WILL BE BETTRE SOOON!! I HAVE ALWAS HADD TO REALY UPON THE KIDNESS OF STRANGLERS LIKE YOU, SO ALL I CAN SAY IS

**COIM ON MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

MY OTHER NEIHGBOR TOLS ME SHE WASS LOOKENING FORWERD TO MY BIG MONEY.., SHE SAIS I CAN COME OVER AND SHOW HER WHAT IV'E GOT. WHAT EVERE THAT MEANS-- SSHE IS SO NIEC!

ANY WAY PLEAS GO AHEDE ADN BRINGE ME MY MEONEY. LIKE I SAID BEFOOR, DO **NOT*** PUT IT ON THE FROTN POARCH. MY AUNUT HAS LEFT OUT A BIG BOOL OF ANTIFREESE FOR THJE BAD DOGS, BUTT THYE COUD STEEL GET INTO MY BOX IF YOU LEAF IT ANYWERE OUT SIDE THE FINCE. wILL YOU COME TOOMORROW? WE CAN MAKE LUNHC FOR YOU---PIGGELY WIGELY HAD A SALLE ON CHIKEN BACKS WICH DO NOT HAFE MUCH MEET,BUT ARE QUIET RESONABLE PRICEWISE. THE CHASHIRRE IS MONICA ((BUT NOT THE SAEM MONICA AS IN WAHSINGTON, dDC. SHE WAS NOT NICE TO MR. CLINTON AT ALL)) BUT THE CHASHIERR MONICA LET ME USE A OLD CUPON BECUASE WHEN I TOLD HER MRS.. HANGI IS GOING TO BRENG ME SOME LARGE BOXS OF MONEY, SHE THOGHT I WAS JOIKING WIHT HER.

I AM NOT--I TOELD HER!!

SO I AM SO HAPPEY THAT YOU WILL BE HEER SOON,,,MRSS. SAL HANJI. DID I MENCHON THAT THERAMP MAN IS NOW WANTIGN TO CHARGE MY ANUT BECAUCE SHE BORK HIS MITER BOX SAW? HE SAID IT WAS A MAKEETA ADN IT WAS ESPENCIVE, SO MAYEB WHEN YOU BRING MY BOX I WILL NOT ONLEY NBY HER SOME LIEPOSUCION, BUT BUY A NICE CUTOFF SAW TO.

AS AWAYS, <!!!!!!

YUOR BEST FREIND
Let's see if that keeps her interested. Remember, Possumblog readers, ((COEM ON BIG MOENYE!!!))


Friday, November 08, 2002

I won't be blogging Monday, as we have the day off in commemoration of Veteran's Day.

For all of those of you who have served your country in the armed forces, thank you.

Of interest to all might be this link to the Alabama Veterans Memorial, especially the section entitled "Soldier's Stories."

Heroism in the Phillipines -- The Story of Earl Brake

[...] One day, heavy fighting broke out on the island and Earl's platoon found out that a Japanese force three times the size of their own was about to overrun them. The only way they could escape would be if someone climbed to a hilltop and put down cover fire to hold off the Japanese long enough for the rest of the platoon to move out. The sergeant asked for a volunteer and, because he was the only one who wasn't married, Earl volunteered. The next thing you know, Earl Brake was on top of the hill giving 'em hell. Because of him, his buddies made it out of there. Earl wasn't so lucky. He died there, alone in the jungle a million miles away from home. It was just 7 days after he and some of the guys had drunk a toast to celebrate his 21st birthday. It only takes one bullet to kill a man, and Earl was shot more than 100 times. [...]


Pacific Tailgunner -- The Story of Lemuel Peterson

[...] He was born in 1918, and, like lots of others in South Alabama, his father was a sharecropper who raised cotton and peanuts on his land.

Though farm life could be tough, Pete loved being outdoors and he never missed a chance to hunt, fish or play ball. And while he enjoyed farming, Pete's career plans were quite different from his father's, as what he truly loved to do was work on cars. They say it was pretty darn rare to find Pete Peterson without a little grease on his hands. Eventually he landed a job as the mechanic at Shelby's Service Station. It was there he met a girl he would later marry, Nina. [...]


Paying the Ultimate Price -- The Story of Neal Snell

[...] The telegram came on a beautiful, sunny Alabama afternoon. The Western Union man had the unbearable task of taking it to the family. He took it to Neal's father who was working at the hardware store in Asbury. He was devastated. A little while later, Neal's father and other family members took the short drive out to Neal's house to tell the horrible news to his young wife and daughter. His daughter, Theresa, still barely remembers that day. "Mother was in the kitchen making fudge when the car came up the driveway. She knew why they were there and she fell apart. A little while later, she took me out on the porch and the two of us just sat out there. Just us. We were alone."

Next time you hear the National Anthem or look up at our flag flying high in the air, look at the colors and the stars and remember the young man who drove the Coca-Cola truck and worried about his wife and daughter. He is up there.
And be sure and go get a hug from a certain Insightful lady!



And they said irony was dead...Author of Books on Stupidity Busted
LANTANA, Fla. (AP) - A man who has written two books on stupidity was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl over the Internet. The girl turned out to be an undercover male detective.

James F. Welles, the 61-year-old author of "The Story of Stupidity" and "Understanding Stupidity," was taken into custody last week after arranging to meet the girl at a restaurant, investigators said.

He was charged with soliciting a minor over the Internet and was released on bail. He did not immediately return a call to his Pompano Beach home Friday.

According to police, Welles was aware of the possibility of a sting, saying in one message that he worried about "the state of Florida looming in the background."
Obviously never read his own books.





Oh, gee, the Blogger staff must be instituting all those fresh changes--every time I reload my page, I'm getting the old "redirect to another Blogger site, or lines of archive links, or maybe just the tip of the end of the bit of graphic in the corner of someone else's blogsite, or a pretty blank page" type of thing going on. Hey, here's you a big 'thumbs-up', guys! Yeah, that's my thumb, alright.



Homecoming!

Saturday is Auburn's (6-3) homecoming, in which we will host the Indians of the University of Louisiana-Monroe (2-7). The Monrovians have been outscored 345-160 this year, although they have managed to beat Idaho 34-14 and Utah State 51-48 (!). Sadly, since ULM has seen fit to not have a single portrait of their cheerleading squad anywhere on their website, I can only say that they must be crushed into a fine powder. Sheesh--some people just don't get what football's all about.

And then, there is soccer. Middle Girl has another tournament tonight, then has a regular league game tomorrow, then another tournament game tomorrow afternoon. Boy and Baby Girl both have games tomorrow, too. Daddy will be toast. But, thankfully this is the last game of the season. No matter how unpleasant the past few weeks have been, they pale in comparison to having to do work around the house.

I know what won't get done...SLEEP!



Odd, but I'll take it where I can get it...

I posted the story yesterday about the two girls who were captured in Birmingham after trying to elude police, including shooting at them out the back window. I hadn't heard any more about it on the local news or in the paper, but it seems from this story by WLTB NBC-3 (Jackson, MS) reporter Dawn Russell that the girls started their crime spree in Vicksburg, Mississippi--
"It's shocking and hard to believe. But it did happen," Chad Chatman said. Chatman manages the Fast Lane convenience store on Highway 61 in Vicksburg where two suspects stole a car Wednesday morning.

"This gentleman pulled up in a Cadillac car and came in the store to purchase something," Chatman said. But before he could even get inside the store, the car -- which he left running -- took off down Highway 61 and onto the interstate.

"The two young ladies jumped in the car, backed up and almost hit a truck over there," Chatman said.

Police say the women were on the run in a stolen Honda Civic when it got a flat tire. So, they stopped at Fast Lane and picked up some biscuits and a new ride. The next thing police know are the women are arrested in Birmingham, Alabama, but not without a fight.

"The first word I said to my supervisor was modern day Thelma and Louise," said Sgt. Tom Wilson of the Vicksburg Police Department.

But their names were Tonya Hafley and Dorrie Hughes, 19- and 20-year-old sisters. Police say the women ran from officers before crashing into a roadblock with the stolen Cadillac. [...]
AND, the story even has pictures of the girls...they're kinda cute, in that homicidal maniac sort of way.



Imagine His Surprise...
TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iranian police are looking for a phony sorcerer who conned a man into believing he was invisible and could rob banks, the Jam-e Jam newspaper said Thursday.

Customers at a Tehran bank quickly overpowered the deluded robber after he started snatching banknotes from their hands.

Appearing in court, the repentant thief said he paid five million rials ($625) to a man who gave him some spells and told him to tie them to his arm to become invisible.

"I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on me," the would-be bank robber was reported as telling the judge. His name was not given.
Word to the wise--next time, try it out on a friend first before trotting over to the bank.



Aaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh! AAAAAAAA! Giant Squirrels Attacking Washington!!!!!! RUN!

The photo also has just about the stupidest caption I think I have ever read: "A squirrel, similar to the one shown in this file photo, is spreading terror in a Cheshire town where it keeps attacking people." Could you not even get a photo of an English squirrel? If you didn't have that, did you even need to have a photo?

Here is the story which accompanied the photo--Squirrel Terrorizes Town
LONDON (Reuters) - A squirrel is spreading terror in a Cheshire town where it keeps attacking people.

Its latest victim was a two-year-old girl, British newspapers reported on Thursday.

Children have been attacked, grown men chased and residents of Knutsford, central England, are fearful of letting their kids out to play, the Times newspaper said.

The rogue squirrel's latest attack was on toddler Kelsi Morley who was bitten on the forehead.

"It was awful because she (Kelsi) was spinning around and we couldn't get it off," her mother told the newspaper.

"From the amount of blood there was, I thought it had taken Kelsi's eye out."

The squirrel eventually let go and the terrified youngster was rushed to a doctor.

Colin Booty, a senior scientific officer in the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said it was very unusual for a squirrel to behave like this.

Local resident Blanche Kellye said the problem was not funny. "Everyone round here is living in fear...it's a vicious little thing. I'll never trust squirrels again."
Well, your first mistake was trusting them to begin with. Filthy little tree rats. As an aside, do you wonder if poor Colin ever gets made fun of?

Here is the conclusion of the story-- Gun-Totting [sic] Grandad Gets His Terrorist Squirrel
LONDON (Reuters) - A squirrel which terrorized a British town by attacking people has been shot and killed by the grandfather of its latest victim.

Geoff Horth, enraged by the squirrel biting his two-year-old grand-daughter Kelsi Morley on the face, took up his airgun and hunted down the rogue rodent, the Sun newspaper said on Friday.

"When I tracked him down I was surprised how big he was. He came down a tree and headed for me, but I shot him before he jumped," the 61-year-old school caretaker told the newspaper.

The bad-tempered squirrel's reign of terror in the town of Knutsford in central England had made parents frightened to let their children out to play.

Animal experts say it is very unusual for squirrels to behave in such an aggressive way toward humans.

Horth was philosophical about his role as gun-totting local hero. "Its a shame he went nuts, but I couldn't let this little beggar hold the town to ransom," he told the newspaper.
Look for Granddad to get hauled into court for violating the poor squirrel's rights.



You know what would be nice? If the local media folks (again, slobbering like hungry dogs for any kind of dispute so we could be on the teevee like them Florida folks) would at least acknowledge something about our silly gubernator controversy here in Alabama.

On election night, each party has folks at each precinct across the state who get the unofficial vote totals (which are sent to the county probate judge for final official tabulation) and call them in to their campaign headquarters. The folks on the phone take all these and add them up, so they have a pretty good idea what the final tally is going to be.

Tuesday night, same thing, and when the disputed vote total in the race was given to the media, the Riley camp knew something was wrong, based upon their running unofficial tally. Siegelman's folks HAD to know it, too. They were keeping track, just like the Perublicans. And they had to have known, based upon the numbers called in by their own folks that Siegleman had lost. It would just be nice to have that in the paper or on TV somewhere.

The closest thing I can find is a story in The Birmingham News that notes about 45,000 ballots were cast in the disputed land of Baldwin County, and that original (incorrect) tally showing Siegelman as the winner added up to around 50,000.
[...] [Joe Espy, chief counsel for Siegelman's campaign] said he is still questioning an unofficial and early vote report from Baldwin County that showed Siegelman with 19,070 votes. Subsequent tallies showed him with a little more than 12,000.

Election officials dismissed the initial report, saying it was impossible because it showed a total of 45,000 ballots cast, but 50,000 votes cast in the gubernatorial race.

Espy didn't disagree with those numbers but did question whether Siegelman's actual number was as low as 12,000, pointing to his strong showing in Baldwin in 1998. [...]
I'm sure he does question it. That's what he gets paid for. But he can add. And he can sit there in all of his lawyerly weaselosity and state that the number might not be as low as 12,000, because the actual total so far is 12, 736. It's kinda like not knowing what the definition of "is" is. But he knows that's still just about right. and he still knows that after any recount, it's still going to be about that. And it doesn't matter how well Siegelman did in Baldwin County in 1998--the alternative then was Fob James, who defied scientists and evolutionists by showing that he was no more developed than a planarian. Fob James was so bad that the only alternative was Don Siegelman.

Which means that, shock of shocks, this whole mess might not be just about making sure The People of Alabama™ have their votes counted. It might just be about politics, believe it or not. (Yeah, I know--it just seems so far-fetched) They know they actually have lost, but there is the possibility of creating enough judicial mischief to change things. Not likely, but possible. Far more likely is a more simple scorched earth policy. They know they will not prevail if the law is followed, so the next best thing is to deny Riley any sort of power through constant talking-up of his "illegitimacy." (It worked so well for the Democrats nationally, you know) It was a close race, and if enough people can be convinced, it makes governing that much harder. Riley will have an extreme disadvantage in any event, simply because the Senate and House are both firmly controlled by Democrats, and the new Lieutenant Governor is a Democrat. Again, you don't have to be Hawking to do the math. And even if he doesn't get to sit in the big squishy chair on Goat Hill, Don will still try hard to wield power from behind the scenes.

Absolutely nothing of substance will be accomplished in the next Legislative session--there will be no reform of taxation, no constitutional convention, nothing will be done to insure that schools and colleges receive consistent funding, every Cletus who has a buddy in the State House will still get to line up at the public trough, although the pickings may be slim, as they will have to wait in line behind our elected burglars. Democrats will continually whine and point to Riley's inability to get anything done as proof of their superiority. They will sow the fields with salt, burn the bridges, poison the wells, then they will place a loving arm around The People™ and tenderly mewl into their ears their concern for them and The Children™, distracting them long enough to rifle throught their purses and billfolds for spare change.

Then again, maybe I'm just being optimistic.



Finally! It seems to be working again. But, as always, there's nothing too much interesting here.



Well now, this is different...

One of the drawbacks of having a blog is that you often get hits from pervgooglers (a term I invented, by the way) looking for all sorts of nasty pictures of celebrities, simply because of the way Google works. You might write something about Julie Chen one day, then some other time maybe quote the part in "The Night Before Christmas" when it talks about "the moon on the breast of new fallen snow," then another time about the nice pictures Fred First has up. Google mashes all that together so that when someone searches for "nice pictures Julie Chen breast," dear stupid Possumblog shows up in the results and some poor sap comes here thinking he's got the inside track on something.

Of course, I'm certain the disappointment is palpable the moment he wanders in.

I bring a lot of this on my self, simply by writing stuff like the paragraphs above, which will certainly result in another spike from Miss Chen's fans, just like several weeks ago when I mentioned Patricia Heaton and her two proud friends at the Emmy's. Ever since, I have gotten a near-constant stream of folks stumbling in here thinking I might have pictures of the girls. For the record, no. No pictures of her at all, nor of her decolletage, nor of anyone else's body parts. But imagine my surprise when I checked this morning and found that I had received a visitor via Google searching not for Miss Heaton's unclothed gams, chestal region, or posterior--it was a search for patricia heaton ears.

Wow. For once I wish I did have pictures.

(She does quite a set.)

Stupid STUPID BLOGGER! Getting a new message I've never seen before: Error 103:java.sql.SQLException: Could not allocate space for object 'BlogSettings' in database 'blogger' because the 'PRIMARY' filegroup is full. (server:disco)

Oh sure, blame it on disco. Luckily, I have the handy yet useless Blogger troubleshooting guide, which basically gives you the MicroSoft Solution of 'turn it off, turn it back on.' But we can be grateful that the Blogger team is embarking on a truly worthy project...
Blogger.com needs a facelift! We're getting ready to release some major changes and improvements to the Blogger application, and we think the occasion calls for a long-overdue update to the Blogger.com site design. In order to get this done at the same time, we've decided to hold a contest for designers who would like to take a stab at what they think Blogger should look like.
Why yes, let's put some lipstick on this pig, shall we? How about making the stupid thing WORK! How about fixing it so that I don't have to go republish my archives every ten days because they mysteriously disappeared! How about fixing your servers! How about leaving the home page alone and work on the user guide!

Bah!


Thursday, November 07, 2002

Many thanks to everyone who has dropped by today--I have put together one part of my Kress presentation, and because I am really stupid, I figured I would go ahead and do it in PowerPoint, too. All of my photos from the archives look very nice, and today was a gorgeous day to take pictures, so it actually turned out okay. I even got to do a little detective work--none of the archival photos had any dates on them, so I had to guess based upon the various building additions and the style of the cars as to their chronological order. I had one pretty well closed in to about 1929 or '30 or so, which is fine for what I'm doing--it doesn't have to be exact--but then I noticed that over to the side of the picture was a movie theater. It was the Trianon, one of those old vaudeville places on a 25 foot wide city lot that was converted to a movie house. On the marquee was a nice little clue, and thankfully the scan of the photo was hi-res enough that I could clearly make out the star and the feature.

It is at this point that I cannot overstate my contention that the Internet is the greatest electrical appliance ever invented. Five minutes of Googling, and I had a complete biography of the star and some information about the movie, and found that our star has a Bacon Number of only 2!

The year was 1928 . The movie was Sinner's Parade, a silent film starring Dorothy Revier as Mary Tracy, John Patrick as Bill Adams, Edna Marion as Connie Adams, Marjorie Bonner as Sadie, Clarissa Selwynne as Mrs. Adams and Jack Mower as the Chauffeur.

Sounds like a real pot-boiler, although there is no description given. Let's make one up--snooty, hoity-toity high class types, full of sin and gin. Mary's in love with Bill, and poor Connie is left in shame in the mansion as Bill takes off in the Stutz with his and Mary's wicked laughter trailing along behind like cans tied to the bumper. The dastardly rake Bill kicks up his heels all over town, and Mary acts as though she were a common trollop. Of course, the scandal rocks the town and even Mrs. Adams, matriarch of the clan, is subject to the scathing tongues and gossip of Upper Crustberg, and no longer has anyone to call upon her, or attend her elegant dinner parties. The chaffeur even sports about it with those low down bootleggers, and Sadie--oh Sadie! She just can't keep her mouth shut.

But wait, who am I leaving out? Why, the headliner, the man with his name in lights on the marquee--

Playing the part of hardnosed cop Al Morton, none other than renowned Hungarian silent film start Victor Varconi!! Al's on to Bill's little bamboozle with the cards and the dice and the hooch--and the girls, too. Oh, no, Mary's not the only one.

As if she even cares.

One fateful night Bill's Stutz takes a short drive down a long alley--BANG! BANG! says the scene card. Glass shatters and the car smashes into the wall of the alley. Al's .38 sends smoky rivulets skyward as Mary silently screams from the passenger seat. The next dialogue card--"How could you!" "It was him or me, doll. The bigger question is, how could YOU!" Mary collapses into tears--the tears that can only come from a fallen woman.

At the funeral, Al consoles the Widow Adams--"I'm sorry I had to shoot your husband like that," says the card. Connie looks into his smoldering eyes, and for once sees a man look at her with genuine concern. Final card--"Yes."

Fade to black.

The End.

Or not--I am just making this up, after all. I'm sure it probably wasn't any better than my made up version, though--and now that they had them new talkies, well, just wait until you can hear that pistol go BANG instead o'reading off a card.

Anyway, a little more searching, and there is this biography of ol' Vic, and as noted, the Oracle of Bacon says he's just like this with Kev.

In other events, no correspondence from the long-suffering Mrs. Hanji Sal of One of the International Banks in Cote d'Ivoire today--she may have given up. My success in this effort emboldens me, however, and almost makes me long for the next scammer to send me something. Almost.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And one that will be similarly Possum deprived--I still have much other Real Work to do, so blogmorrow will be sorta light on the Other White Meat. But, you never know.



Okay, I got work to do--off now to go take some pictures (ooooo--digital!) of the old Kress store I mentioned sometime in the past and I have another stupid PowwowPoint thing to put together. So, until later on today, or until I get a reply from Dear Mrs. Sal, I'll leave it with you. Be sure to check out the blogroll above, and check the Axis of Weevil members twice.



Fun with Referrer Logs

For once, Possumblog gets a visit from someone NOT Googling for nekkid newswomen, but from someone looking for something good and useful...

Robotic possums

Finally, my life's work has purpose--some of you may recall my abortive attempts to build a mimosa-pulling robot which looked like the dewy fresh Norah O'Donnell. Although it was a failure, I was able to build a robot able to perform simpler tasks such as getting hit by cars, stinking, turning over garbage cans, and hissing. Even as we speak, the disturbingly lifelike Possumbot is making his preprogrammed route throughout our neighborhood, diligently searching out grubs and carrion and furthering the science of artificial intelligence.

And now, with this wayfaring stranger's search for cybernetic marsupials, I know that I am not alone in my quest.



Welllll doggies! There was something big going on yesterday afternoon! Sisters shoot at police -- Calhoun pair arrested after crashing roadblock
CAROL ROBINSON
News staff writer

Two Calhoun County sisters led Birmingham police on a car chase throughout the city Wednesday, opening fire with a scoped rifle at officers closing in on them.

The chase ended after about seven minutes when the women ages 20 and 19 crashed through several police cruisers used to set up a roadblock on Interstate 59 at the Fourth Avenue South exit and rolled to a stop on two flat front tires.

Officers with guns drawn surrounded the Cadillac Sedan DeVille and took the two women in custody.

"They had a full box of ammunition and it looked like they were in the process of reloading," said Birmingham Police Chief Mike Coppage. "It appears they were firing through the rear window."

Police officers didn't return fire, the chief said. No officers were injured, but the sisters were treated at the scene for minor injuries and then arrested.

Coppage said the pursuit began at 2:45 p.m. when a narcotics interdiction patrol officer clocked the car driving faster than 80 mph on Interstate 20 near Oporto-Madrid Boulevard.

The officer gave chase. As they neared the Kilgore Memorial Parkway, the women began to slow as if they were going to pull over, but they sped up again as police got closer. They exited onto Interstate 459 where one began firing the .22-caliber rifle and then wound around to Interstate 59 southbound.

Officers there had parked their patrol cars on the interstate, exited them and were in the process of deploying spike strips on the roadway when the women barreled through.

"These folks evidently didn't want to stop," Coppage said.
Ya think?
The stretch of interstate between the Roebuck Parkway and Fourth Avenue South exits was closed for about two hours. Coppage said investigators were trying to gather the scattered parts from the three wrecked police cars to determine whether any of them were actually struck by bullets.

The women were being questioned Wednesday evening but refused to cooperate, Coppage said.

"They're being very tight-lipped about saying anything," he said.
Did their names happen to be Thelma and Louise?
Police did not release their identities but Coppage said the women could face numerous charges, including attempted murder of a police office.
Oh.
The women had outstanding arrest warrants from Calhoun County, including an auto theft charge, he said. Investigators also believe the car the women were driving was stolen in Mississippi.

"We think there's probably something more involved here," Coppage said.
Yep, I'd say so. In any event, by the time I got out that way, the interstate was open again and all the cars had been cleared out of the way except for one.

I live in an exciting place.


Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Just got off the phone with the lovely Miss Reba, who infoms me of a gigantic traffic pile-up on the southbound (inbound) side of Interstate 59/20 and she reports large amounts of rubberneckers. No surprise there, although she says the object of their gaping is a whole wad of banged up Birmingham squad cars strewn all over the roadway. She said there were about eight cops out walking around, and for some reason they were all carrying billy clubs--excuse me, batons. Be interesting to watch the news and find out what's going on with THAT...was it a high speed chase gone awry, an overturned chicken truck, a Norah O'Donnell sighting?

Check back tomorrow and we'll find out. And maybe even get to talk to Mrs. Sal some more.



Golly, this is just soooo shocking...Winona Ryder Found Guilty of Shoplifting
[...] The verdict was carried live on nationwide television, crowding out coverage of a decision by the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates to a fresh four-decade low in an attempt to revive the sluggish economy. [...]
Hey, we have our priorities around here, okay?!



Act III in the festering saga of MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL of the AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. ONE OF THE INTERNATIONAL BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE versus The Idiotic Person She (Or He) Keeps E-Mailing

Well, this just keeps getting better and better. As you recall, over the weekend I received another in a growing list of African e-mail scam letters (promising me millions of unclaimed dollars from the estate of some dude who keeled over during the events of September 11), and decided for once to see what would happen if I answered back. The original letter and my dimwitted reply to it was posted on Monday, then I got another letter yesterday, which got a similar wildly brain-damaged response from my alter-ego.

And now, today, I have received another response.

Poor lady is apparently becoming miffed with the raging moron she has been corresponding with, and has started laying down the law about what he should do, and to quit playing around. In fact, she (or he) has gotten so mad that no longer is she MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL, but is now known as Mrs. Hanji. In any event, let's all take a look at her latest missive to the potential sucker she has hooked:
My Dear,
Your message still sound funny.Anyway i have choosen to trust you do the good record profile your country people have in the world today.

However,If you are shore that you want to carry out this transaction with me,as you said that your bank account cannot contain this money once,what your are to do is to open a non residence account in our bank with your name and the money transfer there first then from there you can now withdraw some to open an offshore accounts where all the money transfer immediately.

I am not here for joke but for business,this is what i want use to inprove my life and my familys so you sholdn't pray with it. I will like read the reply of this message first thing tomorrow morning in my office.

Thanks
Yours
Mrs Hanji
Well, now, this is just horrible. Poor Mrs. Hanji Sal or whoever think my message sound funny. Lucky for me, my country people have a good record profile. And again, she is only doing this to inprove her life and her familys, so I promise I will not pray with it. Let me see if I can give her a good reply of this message to read when she opens it in her office tomorrow:
DEAR MRS. HANJI ((I THOUGT YOURE NAME WAS MRS. SAL, BUT i GUESS IT DOES N'T MATTER)--

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE SENDING ME MY MOENY FROM THAT POOR MAN WHO DIED IN TH WORL TRADE CENTER.. I THINK YOU ARE SO NICE TO FIND ME AND TRY TO HELP ME AND MY MOTHER AND MY AUTN. I AM VERY SORRY THAT YOU THIK MY LETTRS SOUND FUNNY BECUASE I TRY SOO HARD TO LIVE LIKE OTHRE PEOPEL DO AND IT NEVER FALES THAT POEPLE LAUHG AT ME AND SAY CRULE THINGS BECAUS OF THE PLATE IN THE SIDE OF MY HEAD.

IT DOES NOT HURT ANYMORE, BUT WHEN I FALLDOWN OR SOMETHIGN LIKE THAT SOMEIMES PEPOLE WILL STAIR AT ME. THE MEAN MAN WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR SSAYS THA T I GOT WHAT I DEZERVED BUT I DONT' THINK SO--DO YOU??! BUTT YOU CAN BEA SURE THAT YOU CAN TRUST ME BECUASE LIKE YOU SAID COUNTRY PEOPLE ARE GOOD AND KEEP GOOD RECRDS.

ANYW AY, I HAVE CLERED OUT A SPOT BESIDE THE SOFA FOR A NOTHER BOX FOR ALL TH EMONEY YOU ARE SENDING. i TOLD MISTRE HARRIS AT THE BANK THAT MY ACOUTN WAS TOO SMALL FOR ALL THE MONYE MRS. SAL HANJI IS SENDING TO ME AND THAT I HA D DECIDED TO GET A LITTEL REFRGHERATER BOX FROM WALMATR TO HOLD IT ALL. /. IT TAKES UP ALLL THE ROOM BETWWEN THE CHARES AND THE TELEVISHION BUT THAT WILL BE OKAY. MR. HARRIS LAUHGED AT ME WHEN I SAID I WAS GOIN TO HAVE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS EXRTRA AND BE THE RICHES MAN IN TOWN. I TOLED MY OTHER NEIGBORH WHO HAS GOT NO CURTINS THAT I HAD DECIDDED TO GIVE HER SOME RELLY GOOD CURTAINS FROM MARTHA STEWEARTS AT KMART SO SHE WONT' HAVE TO CHANGE IN FROMT OF THE WENDOW AND SHE SAID SHE DID NOT MIND AND SHE ENJOUYED THE THRILL OF IT ALL, WHATEEVER THAT MIGHT MEEAN. HA.

ANYWAY, THE MAN WHO IS BUIDLING MOTHER'S RAMP SAID HE NEADED TO BE PAYED SOON AND I SIAD THAT IT WAS NOT PROBLIM FOR ME BECUASE I WAS GOING TO BE VERY RICH FROM ALL THE NEW MONEEY I WAS GETTING.

SINCE YOU ARE SENDIN ME MY MOENY, I WILL ONLEY ASK THAT YOU NOT LEAVE IT ON THE FRONT POARCH. WE HAVE A PACK OF DOGS WHO GET INTO EFERYBODYIES TRASH CANS AND STUFF AND STROW TRASH AROUND THE WHOLE NEIGHBROHOOD ANE IF THEY GET AHOLD OF THAT BIG BOX OF MONEY YOUR SENDING TO ME IT WIL LOOK JUST LIEK LAST SUNDAYS' NEWSPAPER WHICH THEY GOT AHOLD OFF AND TOAR UP. I DINDN'T GET TO READ THE PARADE MAGAZEIN OR NOTIING BECUASE THEY CHEWDE IT ALL TO PEICES. AND THEIR WAS CUPONS INT HERE FOR KMART TOO. MY AUNT SIAD SHE WAS GOING TO SHOOT ALL THEM DOGS BECUASE OF THE MESS THEY MAID AND SHE WUOULD TOO. SHE IS SOMETIME VERY CRABBY--HA HA. aCTUALLY, SHE HAD A CORT RETRAINING ORDER WHICH SAYS SHE CANT HAVE A GUN, AND WITH THE RIST BRACES SHE HAS TO WERE FOR HER CORPORAL TUNNLE SINDROME, SHE CA'NT HANDLE THE RE COIL. BUT YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS. I THINK ONCE SHE HAS HRE LIPPOSCUTION SHE WILL FEEAL BETER ABOUT HERSEFL AND HER ESTEAM WILL BE BETTER. SHE ONCE SAID SHE HATED HER HIPS, BUT I THINK SHE LOOKS JUST FINE.

I JUST WONTED YOU TO KKONW HOW MUCH BETTER OUR LIFES WILL BE ONCE YOU SEND ME ALL MY NEW MOENY -- EVEN THOU YOU ARE A COMPLEET STRANGLER I FEAL LIKE YOU RELLY CAR E ABOUT ME AND MY MOTHER. AND MY ANUT TO. NO ONE HAS EVER GIVE US BOXES OF MOENY BEFORE AND YOU ARE TOO BE COMMINDED FOR YOUR FINE WORK. I KNOW IF THAT POOR MAN WHO DIDE HAD ANY FAMILLY, THEY WUOLD WANT YOU TO BE THERE BANKER TOO JUST LIEK YOU ARE MINE. I KNOW IT MUST BE JUST LIEK WINING THE LOETTERY FOR ME, AND I PROMISE THAT I WILL SPEDN IT WISLEY. SO, BE SURE TO JSUT SEND IT ALL ON TO ME AND BE SUR ETO NOT PUT IT ON THE FRONT pOARCH YOU CAN LEAF IT ON TOP OF THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE UTILLITEY ROOM.

DO --NOT-- LOOK INTO MY BOX MARKED ""PERSONNAL"" BECUASE THAT IS WHERE I KEEP MY BERTH CERITIFICATE AND PASSPORT. AND IF MY MOTHER HAS BEEN WASHING CLOATHES, YUO MAY HAVE TO MOVE THE LONDRY BASKET OVER. DO NOT LET MY MEAN NEIEGHBOR SEE YOU GO ITNO THE UTILLITEY ROOM BECUAE HE WILL STEAL ALL OF MY MONEY. JUST LIKE BEFORE..

SO THIN, THANKS YOU AGIAN FOR BEING A GOOD BANKER AND HEPLEING ME AND MY FAMILEY OUT OF OUR DISDRESS--AND LIKE I KEEP ON SAYING ((COME ON MONEY))!!

YOUR NEWEST FREIND
Gee, I wonder what Mrs. Hanji will have to say to that?



Both Candidates Declare Themselves Gov. Of Alabama
MONTGOMERY, Ala. -- Incumbent Gov. Don Siegelman insisted in a press conference Wednesday that the election was over and he is the clear winner. But soon after Siegelman's statement, Bob Riley held a press conference and called himself the governor-elect of Alabama.

Election officials in Republican-dominated Baldwin County originally showed Siegelman with 19,070 votes, but later reduced his tally to 12,736. The change could be enough to put Riley in the lead in the razor-thin race in which the margin of victory would be only a few thousand out of 1.3 million votes cast.

Siegelman said he believes he has enough votes to win the governor's election regardless of vote totals in Baldwin County.

According to Riley, Baldwin County officials certified their votes Wednesday just before 11 a.m. The votes showed Siegelman received 12,736 votes while Riley received over 31,000, according to Riley.

NBC13 confirmed that Probate Judge James Reid certified the Baldwin County votes. Baldwin County District Attorney David Whetston announced the official numbers around 11 a.m.

If the total remains the same statewide, Riley would have a 3,085-vote margin of victory. The statewide vote totals will not be officially certified until noon Friday

At a news conference around 10:40 a.m. Wednesday, Siegelman did not concede and said he would continue on with "business as usual" as the governor of Alabama.

"When the votes were counted the first time we were the winner, and we will be the winner when votes are certified Friday," Siegelman said.

Riley said he hoped the governor would concede Wednesday because the vote numbers would not change.

"I cannot foresee any circumstance at this time, that you're not looking at the new governor of Alabama," Riley said. [...]
Possumblog Election Prediction--Alabama will get what it deserves.



Now THAT'S Perserverance

Just took a moment to check and see who all has dropped by, and noticed someone managed to get to Possumblog by typing in the completely rational search string of paper spoon engine big toes.

Sadly, Possumblog was not the number one result, but interestingly enough the kind visitor had to go all the way to number 224! That right there is someone desperate for information, folks!

As with all such requests for information, the editorial staff here at the Possumblog Trailer of Doom wish to assist in any way possible. So here it is--

A little-known variation on Rochambeau (or Roshambo, or most commonly "rock, paper, scissors") is a game played with the large toes called "Paper, Spoon, Engine." As with the more common variety, a countdown to throw is given, and upon the agreed upon signal each player throws down with his great toe the sign for 'paper' (flat foot), 'spoon' (toe inverted and upturned, pointing to mouth), or 'engine' (toe rotating in place). Paper covers spoon, spoon sticks to engine, engine creases paper. This game variant is fiendishly complicated by certain additional circumstances which often factor into the play, such as athlete's foot, traumatic amputation, socks-and-sandals, and drinking.

At the 1993 World Toechambeau Tournament in Furley, Oklahoma, Todd Phillips (New Zealand) astounded the spectators by playing simultaneous matches with four opponents, winning three of the matches outright, and the fourth under a disputed call by the assistant line judge. Later, Phillips was disqualified under murky circumstances in which allegations of blood doping were made, but never substantiated. He was able to return to competition, playing at the 1995 Open in Juarez, Mexico, but was unable to duplicate his feet.

The Possumblog Editorial Staff and Ombudsman Department are happy to offer this assistance.



Mr. Lileks Gets a Fairy Letter

Apparently, one of the readers of Lileks' various columns felt the need to vent, dropping several mature and reasoned F-bombs advising the Sage of the Gopher State to cease writing about his guilt of not being able to answer the piles of e-mail that build up in his box, due to the overwhelming influences of his daily personal grind.

Yes, Fairy, it is often difficult to read about people who have nice lives with loving families, and to hear about people who enjoy a few moments of reading about that life told with writerly pleasure, so much so that they spend a minute or two sending along a thank-you to that person. It can be galling to be reminded of your own humorless existence, of the mockery heaped upon you by complete strangers, of that horrid case of acne across your upper shoulders, of the fact that your mom won't let you buy a car unless you pay the insurance, or the fact that life is a rather meaningless trudge from school, to Wendy's (and the jackass manager who keeps asking you if you washed your hands), then to home where you sit for hours on end in front of your computer developing your social skills.

Unfortunately, Fairy, life is sometimes full of such rude indignities, but my advice is simply to move along and not stoop to reading about such things and such people. I know it can be difficult, but maybe not looking at it will allow you to free yourself from the hold it has on your thoughts--if you have any trouble being able to pull yourself away, I'm sure that you could easily perform a complete eyeballectomy on yourself with one of the many sharp objects around your room. If that hurts too much, maybe a nice bath would help, especially if you allow the hair dryer to drop in the tub with you. You'll never ever have to be bothered again by reading about those terrible, fatuous people talking about the pleasantries of life.



An Election Report From the Trenches

Vidalia, Louisiana's own Yanis Gore recaps her day yesterday as a poll worker:
The election is over and my girl lost. So let's see, husband, job, crop, election. Not a cheery prospect.

Yesterday my post was at the Old Courthouse here in Vidalia. The poll workers were all women I knew well. Two of them were neighbors. Of course, in a town of 4500 I guess all of them were neighbors. William Yarbrough, one of the already defeated candidates for judge, was there poll-watching for a senatorial candidate. He should have won the judge's race.

It was pouring down rain when I arrived. I got wet and the hall was chilly. Nobody had told me that I needed to provide my own chair. Luckily, Kathleen had a folding chair in her trunk that she let me borrow. It was a hard chair. So I shifted and shivered for nearly ten hours, marking off incoming voters in my three-ring binder with a yellow highlighter when names were announced to the poll workers.

I hadn't realized just how social a process voting is in our town. "Hey, how are you? I haven't seen you lately." "Oh, I had a couple of mini-strokes and I've had sinus problems so I haven't been out much." "Well, you're looking good." "Oh, I don't feel too bad, it's just been a little hard." "Well, we're glad to see you today." "Thank goodness the rain let up." "Hasn't it been awful lately?" Yada, yada, yada. [...]
One of the reasons I love voting and really don't mind standing in line is getting to stand there and listen to everyone visit.



Oh boy! Time for Installment 62 of the Scourging of Dick's Wee Bit!
[...] Virginity is not retroactive.

Uh, ok.

When John McCain ran for the Republican presidential nomination, I was one of the journalists accused of going just plain goopy over him.

Goopy. It’s a technical term used by A-list columnists.

Maybe I did.

Maybe?

MAYBE?

But here was a man who actually talked to the voters as if they were not dopes. Here was a man who said what he thought -- who didn't begin every sentence with the cop-out phrase "I don't think the American people want."

There must be another John McCain.

McCain was such a breath of fresh air, so downright candid and accessible, that it almost didn't matter to me that I disagreed with him on almost every issue of substance.

Richard loved him as long as he was useful for knocking off the other viable Republican candidates.

What mattered more, what mattered most, was that on the single most important issue -- restoring trust in the political system -- he was head and shoulders above everyone else.

Except for that Keating Five thing, of course. [...]



Mac stays up late!

Must be the medication, but Mac had a running blogmentary going into the wee earlies this morning. As of right now, Riley (R) says AP is reporting both sets of numbers--the original ones from Baldwin County, which the Riley camp says are in error by about 7,000 votes in favor of Siegelman (D), along with the revised total which has supposedly been verified by the Baldwin County Sheriff's department and will be certified later on today at 11:00 a.m., which removes the erroneous votes from Siegelman's total. Before the final certification, Siegelman was winning by a bit over 3,000 votes--the revised total will give Riley a similar lead. Of course, all the local new organizations are positively frothing at the mouth hoping that this will be another Florida deal, but it's just not the same thing. The margin of victory for either side is much higher, it's purely a popular vote rather than for electors, the issue is not whether masses of stupid people couldn't figure out a ballot, but if there was really a glitch in the tabulation of results, and the fact that it's only a state contest.

The most interesting thing will be what will happen if Riley is the victor--the Alabama House and Senate are both firmly Democrat controlled, and the new lieutenant governor, Lucy Baxley, is a Democrat, replacing the current Republican, Steve "Pee Jug" Windom. When Siegleman was elected four years ago, he had served as the lieutenant governor during a time when the office held nearly equal power to that of the governor, and in some cases even more, being able to kill bills at will. After Windom was elected, Democrats stripped all the political power from the office. If Riley is certified, it will be interesting to see if the new lieutenant governor is given back some power, or if the House and Senate decide they like being able to pull the strings. My guess is that they will keep it all--no reason to give it up, all the reason in the world to keep it.



One more for Count Floyd's Monster Chiller Horror Theater!

Via the lovely Miss Meryl, a link to Angie Schultz's blog, The Machinery of Night, in which she recounts (back on October 31st--scroll down) yet another scary story of horrifyingly intense fear and dread...
[...] About five years ago I was working at a remote mountaintop location. There are technicians and administrative people around during the day, but at night it's pretty deserted and very dark. Not only that, but there's a man buried on the site, beneath the building we work in---a rich and famous and rather strange man. Sometimes, in the middle of the night, the elevator rises unbidden to the second floor. We say it's the ghost of this man, making his rounds. [...]
Yikes! as the kids say. Thanks to Angie for the link to the silly pile of poo that constitutes Possumblog.


Tuesday, November 05, 2002

For all the journalists who sniffily dismiss the high quality writing of blogs such as this one, here is a nice example from the AP Stylebook, Chapter 4, "Writing Really Obvious Headlines"--Americans to Set Control of Congress

Wow. I guess J-school really is useful.



Nefarious Plot Uncovered Against Axis of Weevil Member!!

Warliberal Mac Thomason received a muscle strain in his back this morning in a car accident--everyone please go tell him to be careful--no one likes a bruised Cornocrat™.



An interesting way to conduct an interview there, guys.

(Beware of a sudden attack by those pesky barking spiders.)



Mmmm!!! Tastes sorta muley, but it'll do.

Larry Anderson over at Kudzu Acres mentioned to me this morning that it is at this time of the year that many a Republican's thoughts turn to Alfred Packer, who in the year 1873 was purported to have devoured 5/7 of the Democratic population of Hinsdale County, Colorado.

In the spirit of this amazing story, and given the astounding commercial success of the Cornatee™ (battered and fried manatee on a stick) and the Cornguin™ (battered and fried Emperor penguin on a stick), we here at Possumblog Kitchens are happy to announce the Cornocrat™ which, as can be guessed, is a wholesome, meaty, Democrat on a stick, hand-dipped in buttermilk cornbread batter, and deep-fat fried to a golden brown. Mmmm-MMM!

(By the way, here is a link to the official Alfred Packer Collection at the Colorado State Archives)



HOORAY! Mrs. Sal Writes Back!

You will recall from yesterday's episode that I received a nice e-mail from MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL of the AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT. FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT. ONE OF THE INTERNATIONAL BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE, and send her an engaging and heartfelt reply. I just now have received ANOTHER e-mail from her--
My dear,
I have read your message and it look like you are not interested.I want you indicate your interest on this deal.
Oh, please, Mrs. Sal, read this and know how interested I am:
DEAR MRS SAL;;

I WROT YOU YESTEDAY BECAUES I AM VERY INTERESTING IN RECIEVING ALL OF MY MONEY--I CAN HARDLEY WAIT FOR YOU TO SEND IT. I AM SO INTERSTED BECUASE I ALREADY CALLED THE MAN ABOUT BUILDING OUR RAMP FOR MY MOTHER TO GET IN THE DOOR. HE SAID IT WOULD COST $519.43 BUT THAT PAINT WOULD BE EXTRA BUT SINCE YOU ARE SINDING ME ALL OF THAT MONEY I SAID WHAT THE HEY AND PUT PAINT ON IT. MY MEAN NEGHBOR WAS LOOKING OUT TH EWINDOW WHILE THE RAMP MAN STOOD THERE AND I SAID REALLY LOUD THAT A NICE LADEY WAS SENDING ME A BUNCH OF MONEY FROM A DEAD MAN WHO DEID IN IN THE WORL TRADE CENTER AND THEN I SHOWED HIM YOUR EM AIL. I KNOW YOU SAID YOU WANT TO KEEP THIS A SERET, BUT MY MEAN NEIGBOR NEEDED TO HAVE HIMSELF PUT INTO HIS PLACE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN????

SO YES, I AM VERY INTERSTED IN GETTING ALL OF MY MONEY YOU WILL SEND TO ME. I FIGURED OUT THAT YOU SHOULD JUST GO AHHEAD AND SEND ALL OF IT AT ONCE, AND IT WILL PUT WHATEVER DOS NOT FIT INTO MY BANK ACCOUNT INTO THE BOX I KEEP UNDER THE COUCH. I CAN HARLDY WAIT TO HAVE SO MUCH MONEY AS THAT POOR MAN HAD WHO DIED. DO YOU THINK I WILL HAVE TO PAY MUCH TAXES!?!? I USULLY LET MY OTHER NEIGHBR DO OUT TAXES BECUSE SHE IS VERY NICE TO US AND SOMETHIMES GIVES ME THINGS. I THOUGT LONG ADN HARD ABOUT HER, AND THINK THAT I WILL USE PART OF THE MONEY TO BY HER SOME CURTAINS FOR HER WINDOSW. SHE SOMETIMES HAS TO CHANGE CLOHES AND SINCE HER CURTINS DON'T WORK, SHE HAS TO STAND IN HER WINDOW AND CHANGE. THAT IS NOT ANYTHING THAT SHOULD HAPPEN TO SOME ONE WHO IS NICE, NOW IS IT???

MRS. SAL,;HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE YOU SENT THE MONEY. I COULD USE IT NOW, PLEASE, ALL THOU I AM NOT TRYING TO BE RUDE OR PUSHY. I AM VERY INTERESTED IN GETTING IT SOON. I HOPE I AM ABLE TO HEPL YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU VERY
MUCH




So, You're Saying My House Sucks, Or, Inspectors Say the Darndest Things

As I mentioned, I got in late this morning because I had to await the visit of the Special Possumblog Guest who was coming over to check out my leaky chimney.

Several weeks ago, we noticed a brown spot on the wall below our great big 1854 engraving of New York that hangs above the mantel. I didn't think too much about it until it seemed to be getting worse, so Reba and I managed to get the huge heavy picture down without killing ourselves and there was the sickening sight of a long horizontal crack right at the bottom of where the picture frame was--stained, paint and drywall compound peeling off. Bad news. For all the evil inherent in my former boss, the one thing he was right about is that water is the number one enemy of buildings.

It was pretty evident that I had a leak up in the chimney cap or somewhere in the siding that was channeling water all the way to the interior. From the way it was cracking, it looked like there was no flashing in the wall over where the fireplace insert penetrated the interior wall, allowing water to sit there and seep through. Of course, that's only my professional opinion as a registered architect. Little did I know...

So I called a while back to the warranty department of the developer and never heard anything, then called again yesterday and got another fellow who was very nice and said he could come out this morning before I had to take the kids to school. Wow. It was hard to believe, especially after the first call was so firmly ignored. In any event, we settled on a time and I told the kids to be sure and get up and get dressed so as not to be running around naked when he got there. And last night I decided to make sure I was up on my Code of Alabama Title Six, Chapter Five, Article 13A. Never can be too careful with some folks--not that any homebuilder would ever do anything underhanded or try to get out of fixing stuff they did wrong.

Anyway, I got the kids up early so they would be dressed and quietly eating breakfast when our guest arrived, rather than undressed and yelling at each other, and made a final pass back through the den to hide Barbie dolls, sneakers, unmatched socks, and assorted junk. Doorbell rings and I am in the very middle of pouring a cup of milk so Catherine decides to take off and go unlock the door. "Hey, sto...come back in here...hold this cup...COME 'ERE YOU LITTLE RAT!"

"HAYLOWWWWWWW!" I get there as she is letting the compete stranger in the house and send her back to her bowl of grits as I shake the guy's hand and show him the wall and mantel. "Hmm."

Yeah, that's my reaction, dude.

"Let me go take a look outside." And, of course, here comes Catherine again. "I wants to go outside with you, Daddy!" "No, Daddy's doing business right now--go eat your grits." "But I WANT to!" "Go in yonder and EAT--we've got to leave in a minute after I get through and if you don't go back in there your kitty will eat your grits and anyway it's raining and you can't go out in the rain so go EAT RIGHT NOW--and you two get back in there right now, too and eat just like I told your sister!" ::sigh:: If I was trying to get them go outside, they would flat refuse.

Anyway, we squish out to the side of the house--"Hmm. Ahhh. I see those corner boards have a crack in them. That probably needs to be caulked. You're probably getting some wind-driven rain."

Well, the corner boards weren't cracked--it was just the joint between them. Yeah, it needed to be recaulked, but the corner boards are really more for decoration than anything else. That water is coming in somewhere else. And it's more than some occasional blown-in rainwater.

"Well, that sure does seem like an awful big crack and stain for just some wind-driven rain. I mean, it would have to penetrate the siding AND the sheathing and then go through the wall." Which is that silly professional side of me sneaking out.

"Oh no, you see, we build these houses real tight, and when they get a little hole or somethin', it just goes right in, 'cause they're so airtight, it's like the water is just sucked right in."

He said this without the slightest trace of irony. I stood there for a moment, stunned in every possible sense of the word. It was then I knew this is going to be a very long period of wrestling with a contractor. ::sigh:: Rather than try to detail just exactly how incredibly moronic he was, I just asked, "Well, how are you going to fix it?" "Ahhhh, well, I'll get the painters out here and caulk it up, or I might even get the ladder and do it myself. It shouldn't take long." "Mm-hm. And what about the damage on the wall on the inside."

This one got a pause. I'm not sure what he was thinking, but finally the wheels and knobs stopped and the bell rang, "Well, let's be sure we have that leak stopped before we fix that wall." Uh-huh.

In any event, it will be interesting to see how the company handles this. Right now, they don't know that I know a bit more than the average customer, or that I particularly enjoy the fine competitive thrill of urinary output tournaments. My initial suspicion is they will slap some pookie on there and say it's fixed, then never get back to fix the wall.

Poor contractor.



Few problems reported in states with high-tech voting systems; `It's great,' one voter raves
[...] The biggest general election debut for touchscreen machines was in Georgia, where some 19,000 were deployed across the state and voters offered good reviews.

One voter, Tracy Yandle of Atlanta, said it was "as easy as using an ATM."

"It's great. I've been voting for a lot more years than I care to say," Joe Penley of Barnesville raved. "It's almost too simple. My 4-year-old granddaughter could do it. It's hard to make errors if you just follow instructions." [...]
Democrats, however, derided the complexity of the process, and noted that large blocs of potential Democratic voters would be disenfranchised by having to follow instructions or have the mental abilities of a 4-year-old. "It's obvious the whole process is slanted toward the moderately intelligent and the Republic insistence on mindlessly following instructions," said one miffed partisan.





Jingle Bells, Jingle BeAAAAAHHHHH--AAAAAAAHHHH...

Chuck Myguts at Redneckin' got a nice e-mail from the Florida Fish and Wildlife folks--
[...] The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.



Words of Wisdom From Pee-Paw Fred...

Good one from Fred First, as after the passage of two decades he rediscovers the joyousness of innocent childhood via his grandbaby:
[...] Wet diapers are self-monitoring and will droop below the knees when full, so avoid the temptation to use the finger dipstick method. And, contrary to my expectations, Abby was not dressed in a 12-hour diaper when her mother left for an overnight trip yesterday. I thought surely, by now, those had been invented. Whadda I know?

Wearing a wet diaper is the adult equivalent of waddling around for hours straddling a wet Wall Street Journal. Hence, the diaperless state is much preferred to the diapered, and once disengaged from the soggy paper product, the semi-naked baby runs much faster through the house and is capable of finding hiding places the diapered are not capable of. [...]
And then there is the day they think they have learned to change their own diaper, which they somehow manage just fine except for the disposal part of the process, which they do not know includes putting the soiled article in a lead-lined bag rather than leaving it hidden under the bed.


Monday, November 04, 2002

Late morning blogging forecasted for tomorrow...

I will be having an extra special guest come over to the house in the morning to inspect our chimney to determine if the water leak is covered under warranty or whether I will have to become a raging pile of words and threats and quotations from Alabama's Statute of Repose, then I have to calm down and take the kiddies to school, then go vote, then come to work and have a meeting with one of my many overlords to discuss (wait for it...) another PowerPoint presentation. Hip-hip-hooray I say!

So, due to these intrusions of Real Life™, it will be a while before I sign in tomorrow. Or don't sign in, as the case may be.

In any event, go vote!



Via H.D. Miller over at Travelling Shoes, the funniest thing I have ever read. And I never exaggerate.



U.S. Kills al-Qaida Aide in Yemen

Qaed Salim Sunian al-Harethi was one of several al-Qaida members traveling by car in northwest Yemen when a Hellfire missile struck it Sunday, killing him and five others. The official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said the attack was believed to have been conducted by a CIA aircraft, possibly a missile-carrying Predator drone.

The official Yemeni news agency, local tribesmen and the U.S. official confirmed the strike killed al-Harethi. Witnesses said they saw an aircraft, possibly a helicopter, in the area. Hellfires can also be launched by attack helicopters.

The others killed were believed to be low-level operatives. The attack occurred in the northern province of Marib, about 100 miles east of Yemen's capital of San'a, where al-Qaida is considered active.

U.S. counterterrorism officials have said al-Harethi, also known as Abu Ali, was al-Qaida's chief operative in Yemen and a top target of U.S. anti-terrorism efforts. An associate of Osama bin Laden since the early 1990s in Sudan, al-Harethi is a suspect in the bombing of the destroyer USS Cole in Aden, Yemen, on Oct. 12, 2000.

The CIA declined comment. [...]
On the other hand, Satan gleefully passed out t-shirts to the new arrivals bearing the slogan "Someone Sent Me to Hell, And All I Got Was This Box Of 72 Raisins."





Oh, come on now--you all know you've wanted to do it...

Once again, I have received (at one of my other accounts that I don't check often) another long-winded e-mail from a person in Africa offering to send lots of money into my bank account. Just how stupid do they think I am, anyway? Well, doggone it all, they're gonna find out...

Here's the letter:
From: mariey hanji (deleted)
Date: 2002/11/02 Sat PM 12:23:30 EST
To: (deleted)
Subject: HOPE TO RECEIVE YOUR REPLY FOR THE URGENT ASSISTANCE

FROM: MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL.
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT.
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
ONE OF THE INTERNATIONAL
BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE
AUTERNATIVE E.MAIL (deleted)

DEAR Respectful

I am MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL.the director in charge of auditing and accounting section ONE OF THE INTERNATIONAL BANK IN COTE D IVOIRE of west Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction. During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person who died at the world trade centre, following the attack in New york and Washington on the 11th September 2001 and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development. Although personally, I keep this information secret within myself and partners to enable the whole plans and idea be Profitable and successfulduring the time of execution. The said amount was us$21.5M (TWENTY ONE million FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND united states dollars).As it may interest you to know, based on the information I got through world business directory on foreign business relations I was assured your ability and reliability to champion a business transactions without any problem. Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist us and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity. In fact I could have done this deal alone but because of my position in this country as a civil servant, we are not allowed to operate a foreign account and would eventually raise an eye brow on my side during the time of transfer because I work in this bank. This is the actual reason why it will require a second party or fellow who will forward claims as the next of kin with affidavit of trust of oath to the Bank and also present a foreign account where he will need the money to be re-transferred into on his request as it may be after due verification and clarification by the correspondent branch of the bank where the whole money will be remitted from to your own designation bank account.May I at this point emphasise that this transaction is 100% risk free as I have made arrangements for a successful deal before contacting you. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 20% of the sum as gratification, while 10% will be set aside to take care of expenses that may arise during the time of transfer and also telephone bills, while 70% will be for me and my partners. Please, you have been advised to keep top secret as we are still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal with you. I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money is in your account and ask us to come downto your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in.All other necessary information will be sent to You when I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible stating your wish in this deal on my confidential Email address above.

Yours faithfully,

MRS HANJI MARIEY SAL

_________________________________________________________
Gagne une PS2 ! Envoie un SMS avec le code PS au 61166
(0,35€ Hors coût du SMS)
And here is my special Possumblog response:
DEAR MRS. SAL,

THANKS YOU FOR WRITEING T OME ABOUT THIS MAN. THIS WAS A VERY BAD THING AND BAD THINGS ARE NOT GOOD FOR ANY ONE! I WOULD LIKE TO VEY MUCH HELP YOU IN THIS TIME AND GET A LOT OF MONEY FROM YOU FOR HELPING OUT BUT THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE IT WOULD WORK AT ALL BECUASE MY BANK ACCOUNT IS VERRY SMALL. I DON OT THINK THAT ALL OF THE MONEY YOU WILL BE SENDING WILL FIT INTO IT AND I DONOT HAVE A SAFETEY DEPOSIT BOX EITHER. CAN YOU JUST SEND ME PART OF THE MONEY AND I WILL SPEND IT AND THEN YOU CAN SEND MORE??? OR CAN SOMETHING ELSE BE BETTER THAN MONEY?? i KNOW YOU WANT TO BE SERET ABOUT THIS, BUT I HAVE TO TELL MY MOTHER BECAUSE HER NAME ON THE ACCOUNT ALONG WITH MY ANT. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE EYEBROWS--BOTH OF THEM HAVE THE TATOOED EYEBROWS THAT THEY GOT FROM THE BUETY SHOP. THEY SAID THEY ARE NOT SURE THIS WOOD WORK IETHER BECAUSE THE ACCOUNT IS SMALL BUT I TALKED THEM INTO IT BECUASE I SAID YOU COULD PROBALY SEND IT A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY AT A TIME AND WE COULD SPEND IT. THIS POOR MAN WHO IS DEAD IN THE WORLD TRA CENTER WOULD PROBABLY WANT US TO SPEND IT ON SOMETHING NICE. I AM GOING TO SPEND MY MONEY ON A SMALL CAR FOR MY MOTHER AND UANT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ABEL TO WALK VERY FAR WITHOUT GETTING TIERED. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF MONEY, I KONW BUT IF THAT POOR MAN WHO WAS KILLED BY THOSE BAD PEPOLE HAD A MOTHER WHO COULD NOT WALK VERY FAR HE WOULD USE THAT MOENY TO BUY HER A CAR. WEHN WILL I GET MY MONEY? WILL YOU SEND IT IN A BIG ARMERED TRUCK LIKE ON THE TELEVEISION WITH ED MICMAN? pROBALY NOT BECAUSE YOU WANT THIS TO BE SECRET SO I UNDERSTAND. MR. SINHG AT THE CONVENIENT SOTRE SAYS THAT I SHOULD BE WARE OF THINGS LIKE THIS BECAUSE I AM TO TRUSTING OF PEOL ON TH E INTERNET BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE SOME TRUST AND SEE WHAT GOOD THINGS CAN HAPPENE? I WANT MY ANUT TO GET LIEPOSUTON TO. SHE HAS BIG THIEGHS AND THEY DONT HAVE VERY SMOOTH SKIN BESAUCE OF ALL THE FAT. I THINK IT WIOUL BE GOOD TO SPEND THIS MOENY ON HER LIKE THAT BECAUSE SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY NICE TO MY MOTHER AND ME.

HAVE WE EVER MET BEFORE? I HAVE A LOT OF FREINDS WHO ARE FROM MOBILE AND MONTGOMERY WHICH IS NOT VERY FAR FROM HERE AND THEY ARE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT PEOPEL ON THE INTERNET WHO THEY TALK TO SOMETIMES AND ONE TIME I MET ONE OF MY FRIND FROM MOBILE AND THEY SAID THEY HAD FRENINDS AT PROCTOR AND GAMBLE WHICH IS WHO MAKES IVORY SOAP LIKE YOU SELL. SO MAYBE WE HAVE MET BUT PROBALY NOT.

I SURE HOPE YOU CAN SEND THE MONYE TO ME FAST. I JUST THOUT ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE WE NEED HERE AT THE HOUSE IS A RAMP FOR MOM TO ROLL HER SCOOOTER INTO THE HOUSE.. I USUALLY HAVE TO PICK IT UP AND IT IS HEAVYE AND A RAMP WOULD REALLY BE GOOD TO HAVE AND THEN I WOULD NOT HAVE TO PIKC IT UP. MY NEXT DOOR NEGHIBOR WILL BE SUPRISED WONT HE WHEN HE SEES OUT NEW RAMP BUT I WONT TELL HIM HOW I GOT THE MNEY BECUSE HE IS VERY MEAN AND HAD A ACCIDENT TOO BUT DID NOT DIE LIKE THE POOR MAN IN NEW YORK CITY NEW YORK CITY. PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW I CAN GET MY MONEY FAST AND I WILL ONLY TELL A FEW PEOPLE I PROMISE.

THANK YOU VEY MUCH!!!!!

((COME ON MONEY!!!)
I wonder if I will get a response.



Hey, Fancy New Duds

Patrick Carver over at The Ole Miss Conservative has done changed clothes for his blog. (For those of us with old eyes, the black on white text is a welcome addition.)



Possumblog Election Roundup

As part of my continuing efforts to undo John Hawkins kind listing of Possumblog as one of the "Ten Best 'Unknown' Political Bloggers," I give you the following hard-hitting thoughts on Election Eve:

1. So far, the number of politicians who would have to be punished under the terms of the Possumblog Corollary to Godwin's Law ("the first pol to claim his pet program is "for the children," automatically loses the election and is tied in a sack and dropped off a cliff in Iran") is equal to the number of office seekers. I would ask that each of you please take a sack from the box and start a line over by the copier. As you board the aircraft, please do not cry or talk to the other passengers.

Given that after "The Big Drop" there will be no one to occupy large blocs of elected government offices, Jim Nabors is cutting short his season in Branson, Missouri and will serve as a sort of roving caretaker until the next election cycle.

2. Democrats are rumored to be thinking about possibly challenging the outcomes in certain heavily contested races. This is just a rumor, though.

3. After another embarrassing election debacle caused by the inability of certain southern Florida counties to vote straight-ticket Idiotarian Party, the 35 counties making up Northwest, North Central, and Northeast sections of the state will secede from the remaining portion of the peninsula. The first major public works project will the construction of a five mile wide canal straight across the state.

4. Walter Mondale. Walter Mondale?

5. Negative campaigning is roundly criticized, but I think the real problem is the lack of violence. Things would be so much nicer if there were a couple of big likkered-up bruisers mixing it up on the dais with Bowie knives, or better yet, maybe a catfight between the two candidates for Hawaii's governor--in grass skirts! And with coconut shell brassieres! And they could have young ladies standing-in for when the candidates got tired, and they would be all nubile and have shiny black hair and be covered with coconut oil and leis! And they wouldn't really fight but roll around on the beach.

Now that's negative campaigning I can live with.

6. Money. I really don't care how much they spend. It helps the economy, you know. Here. Take everything I have. I want you to have it. Really. I would just use it on stupid things like food.

7. Next big bumper sticker--"Don't Blame Me--I Voted For A Guy From Nigeria Who Needed Me To Help Him Transfer $45,000,000 (Forty Five Million Dollars) Into My Bank Account."

8. Terry McAuliffe will propose changing federal election laws to insure that every Democrat will henceforth be declared winner with 100% voter turnout and 100% of votes cast.

9. Predicted Tim Russert Prediction--"Twizzlers and Diet Coke"

10. Despite the silliness, the American republic is still the greatest experiment in goverment the world has ever known. As a human institution, it is subject to the vagaries of human nature, yet it has survived and flourished in spite of itself. At some point, it will cease to exist, as do all things created by man, but the legend of its greatness will live as long as there are people who want to live, to be free from tyranny, and to strive for happiness.

Go vote.





Hmm, that wasn't so bad.

Although, the old 'gang aft aglay' factor did manage to make for some uncomfortable moments Friday evening. But further explanation will have to wait until the close of our stupid staff meeting, and the completion of the 72,000 word recap. Check back in a bit, and until then, be sure to check out everyone in the bloglist above. They are much more interesting, anyway. (Although they do have a decided lack of marsupial content.)

NOW then, glad that's over with. Where was I? Oh yeah, the long, boring excursus of my weekend. As you remember from last week's cliff-hanger finale, the Oglesbys were on the march...

Got in the van and headed off for where all the nice folks live and managed to get to the soccer park in "only" 45 minutes. Whew! 5:45 -- 15 minutes to spare. Unfortunately, no wife and kids. Actually, no one at all except for a team practicing. Hmm. Wait. Wait. Listen to radio. Wait. Hey, you know what? It's 6! Wonder if they called it off, wonder if it really is at Trussville! Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Listen to radio and finally someone else on the team shows up and I quickly verify that we are supposed to be here, and that the game doesn't start at 6, but at 6:30. Which is kinda comforting, yet still no family. This can't be good. Wait. Wait. Go to restroom. Wait. Wait. More of the team shows up, and as I stand there, the other team's coach comes by telling one of the parents that the game's not at 6:30, but at 7. Which is not comforting, but mildly frustrating, made even worse by the fact that if Reba and I left at the same time, she should already be here by now. Which prompts the recitation of the Long Mental Laundry List of Possible Dire Circumstances Which May Have Befallen Loved Ones. I had just gotten to Sudden Asteroid Strike Combined With Back Seat Illness when I finally see the car pull up with the missing family--including a wife behind the wheel wearing a kabuki mask of incredible angry mad mean nastiness. But since I'm real stupid, I had to ask. "I was getting worried--did something happen?" Did I mention how stupid I am?

After a few moments spent trying to retrieve my head from where it rolled up under the car, I was able to piece together the story that there had been an incredible three mile long backup and she had been sitting on the interstate for over an hour, trapped in a '94 Oldsmobile 88 with all four of our sweet, kind, never ever argue with each other children. Who were hungry. And tired. And bored. And in the car with her.

She was in a better mood this morning.

As for the game, it was cold, and windy, and damp. Which is the best thing for you when your chest and head are filled to capacity with diseased goo. Just forget about that silly Vicks Vap-O-Rub, just stand outside in God's moist chilly atmosphere and breathe deeply. What makes it better is to try and yell. The girls played each other to a 0-0 tie--the other team's defense wasn't that great, but our goal kicking ability is downright poor. Oh well. They had fun. And I got to stop by and see my mom--she lives not far from the park. She was asleep, but I didn't know--I mean it was only 8:30--so I stood there and laid on the doorbell for five minutes until I was finally able to wake her up and get her down the stairs. Sheesh! So inconsiderate! Anyway, despite being rolled out of bed by her lummox son, she let us in and we dropped off some photographs and called home to let Reba know we were on the way. (And yes, I did apologize for waking my mom up.)

Saturday was soccer again for the three younger ones--I took Boy early out to Moody, while Reba had the girls with her. They first had to go drop off Oldest Girl at her Granny's house to help with a bridal tea, then were headed for the Trussville park for Tiny Terror's game. What they didn't know is that five minutes after they left, Catherine's coach called to say that her car wouldn't start and she needed Reba to coach. Reba has never coached before. I quickly phoned her mom's house and left the message and then headed out the door. Boy's game turned out great, with a final of something like 9-0. This is the same team they played earlier which is about half girls--who weren't really handicapped by playing against boys, but by poor coaching. They would all bunch up and we would blow right past them. One of the little girls is in Jonathan's Sunday School class at church, and he sort of likes her, but I think he got mad at her the last game when she pushed him down. No such dramatics this time, but he still didn't want to say hey to her. Of course, he could just be shy.

As for Cat's game, come to find out not only did the coach and her two kids not show up, two other girls were sick, so we only had two players. Luckily, the other coach agreed to loan us some of his eight kids, so the game went on. Best of all was that Reba had an absolute blast. It was interesting that everyone--the other team's coach, their parents, and the one other parent on our team--told her that they were glad she was coaching. If you've been keeping up with this silliness, you know from past postings that there have been some "issues" with the coach. I mean, who doesn't like a little pyromania, but after a while, it is possible to burn a few too many bridges. Too much being late, too little communication, too little coaching, too much praise for your own kids, too lax about telling your kids to quit running around and kicking other kids and their parents in the shins, too snotty toward other coaches, too little concern spells trouble. It also may have created a monster--I think Reba may have caught the coaching bug. I am searching for a big enough can of Raid even as I type this.

Bec's Saturday game that afternoon didn't turn out well--they lost 4-0, and were again hampered by their slow offense. Sometimes they're on, sometimes not. Oh well.

I did manage to catch the first half of the Auburn-Ole Miss game--sure sounded like a good one, though. The game stats were nearly even except for those crucial Old Miss turnovers and the lack of them on our side. If we would have had the same three, I can almost guarantee we would have left The Grove in disgrace.

The rest of the day was laundry and cleaning and scrubbing kids, except for my silly thought--"you think your mom and dad would watch the rest of the kids and let us go on a date?"

YES!!!! They did, and we got to go out for a bit. Got some cheese-steaks from Philly Connection and then went to see the movie everyone else has already seen: My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

MOVIE REVIEW TIME: What a nice movie. It's a girly movie, so the only thing I can tell you is that Nia Vardalos sure does fix up pretty, and that guy from Northern Exposure is in it, too (not the doctor guy but the other guy). The only bad thing is the insistence of using sigmas for the letter "e" in in all of the credits and titles. I really hated that. Oh, and anything that has Andrea Martin in it automatically gets an "A+." Perini Scleroso ROCKS!

Sunday, Friends and Family Day, lots of people, lots of food, we spend 30 minutes in line, have to eat in kindergarten classroom sitting on tiny little kindergarten chairs. Whee. Go home, take Boy to get his hair cut and decide to get one myself. Something bad is happening at Head Start--it used to be a cinch to walk in and it look like they hired stylists from a supermodel convention, but the quality is markedly declining--although I shouldn't complain, because I didn't have to have Pernell cut my hair. But still, something's just bad wrong. If I wanted to be surrounded by lumpy plain people, I'd go to the barbershop and read the December 1989 issue of "Field and Stream," talk about the road widening project, listen to the Stark Raving Lunatic Hour on talk radio, then get my hairs all whacked up. I really need to do a better job of scouting out the store before going inside--the other Head Start back down the street has big windows where you can see in and shop before you go in.

Church again, then home for supper, then to bed, then to here. Then to blog. So there! Yes, I realize I'm shy by about 70,000 words, but I'm sure you won't complain.


Friday, November 01, 2002

What am I...

I am currently residing in Mr. Oglesby's warm tummy, and I am made of corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, unbleached and bleached flour, sugar, vegetable shortening (contains: partially hydrogenated soybean oil and/or coconut oil and/or palm kernal oil and/or palm oil and/or cottonseed oil), soy flour, gelatin, dutched cocoa (processed with alkali), cocoa, leavening (baking soda), salt, lecithin, artificial flavoring, color added, sodium sulfate.

As you see from the above list, I am very nutritious because I have ingredients from all four of the Southern food groups--salt, fat, sugar, and starch. I weigh(ed) 78 grams, and I have 330 calories, of which 90 are puuuuure fat, and 56 of my 78 grams are rich wholesome carbohydrates.

Any guesses?

Does it help to know that I am made by the world famous Chattanooga Bakery? That I go best with an R.C.? That I can be heated in the microwave?

Here you go. Yep, hard to believe, but I guess everything has a website nowadays.

Anyway, it's getting close to quitting time. Another action packed weekend, with the extra special added fun of a soccer game for Middle Girl TONIGHT! A makeup game or something, and one that starts at 6. How we are supposed to get to school from downtown, then to home from school, then get her dressed, then get her to Riverchase during the tail end of rush hour is a complete mystery. What's supposed to happen is Reba is supposed to leave at 4, race home, get everyone (must be exactly 4:30 to 4:45), get Bec changed, head to park (no later than 5:15)--during this, I leave at 5 and try to drive down I-65 and meet everyone at the park (no later than 5:45), at which time I will take the transfer of Middle Child and remaining family goes BACK to Trussville to Reba's MOM'S house in order to help her decorate for a wedding shower at her house tomorrow. After Girl's game (should be around 7ish) WE head back to Trussville, pick up kids from underfoot at Granny's house and go home and hose them off and wait for Mommy to return, if she dares.

Then there's Saturday. More soccer--all three kids.

I sure am tired. Did I mention my head is packed with a 90 pound bag of snotcrete? And that I have this weird, spinny, falling-over-sideways kind of thing going on? I would try to stop and smell the roses, but I'm so congested I would pass out--or worse, dizzily keel over and hit my head when I bent down to smell them.

So then, here comes the weekend--wish me luck, and I'll see you all back here bright and early Monday.



Well, here's a big shocker...Report: Alabama won't get new Toyota plant
Toyota Motor Corp. plans to build its sixth North American auto plant in San Antonio, rather than Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, Tennessee or Virginia, according to Japanese business daily Nikkan Kogyo Shimbun.

Alabama economic development officials reportedly had hoped Toyota might consider a 1,000-acre site in Fackler, a small community in the northeast corner of the state. Fackler is located roughly 30 miles from Huntsville, where Toyota is building a $220 million V8 engine plant. [...]
Back on September 17, (of course, stupid STUPID Blogger doesn't take you to the post, so you have to scroll down) I said that we might be blowing this chance due to a certain incumbent governor who just couldn't let himself pass up an opportunity to crow about something. We'll probably never know for sure if Pappy Don's (D-My Billfold) indiscrete blabbermouthery drove Toyota away, but it certainly didn't help matters. And the loss will undoubtedly be used by a certain raven-haired challenger to mock him.



Larry Anderson keeps trying to shove me off the ledge...
[...] Terry at Possumblog has been looking at a semi-abandoned MG Midget down the street from his house with idea that he can resurrect it. He emailed that he needed me to talk him out of his delusion. I had to tell him I was the wrong person since I have not admitted that I have problem. Is there a 12 step program for car nuts? After thinking about Terry's situation, I believe I can save him some money on the Midget. Find out when the owner is not home but his wife is. (Sorry ladies, but women are very seldom car nuts. Shoes yes, but not cars) Go see the wife and offer to tow the Midget away. It will yours for free. If you can hock the kids, you can probably raise enough money to get the Lucas Electric components working. Ten, twelve years at most, you can drive it around the block. Your young'uns, assuming you have gotten them out of hock, will be thrilled watching their old Dad drive his little toy. Of course, they will not be Auburn Grads since the college fund will be tied up in the Midget, but surely they will understand. [...]
Surely. As for the Midget, I have decided to allow the owner to store it at his house under the tarp and plastic kiddie pool. Much cheaper for me, and it will continue to "run" (::snicker::chortle::snort::) just as well there as at Maison d'Possum.



You know, I'm really getting tired of the weekend foes of the Auburn Tigers (5-3, 3-2 SEC) who refuse to update their cheerleader's webpages! Doggone it, they oughta show a little bit more respect! Take for instance this week's opponent, Ole Miss (5-3, 2-2 SEC), who still have up the '97-'98 squad--dadgummit, you might as well still have Trent Lott's picture up, too! Current photos--is that too much to ask? We are left to rely on poor Hannah Felton (who has cheered at Ole Miss since she was a freshman) to come up with photos of the current squad. (Be sure to check out Flyin' High, by the way.)

Anyway, as for the game itself, it promises to be a goodie--both teams have similar records and stats, with Auburn having a slight lead in total offense (based on its strong rushing yardage). Defensively, Auburn tends to give up a good many yards, but tightens up inside the 20, while Ole Miss seems tighter, but allows more points per game, so we the advantage in points allowed compared to the Rebs. What has absolutely killed the Tigers this year have been turnovers and special teams. If they can hold onto the ball and score field goals, they should do okay (in other words, if they play like they did against LSU last week). On the other hand, Ole Miss got thumped like a drum last week by the Razorbacks, and the week before by Bama, so are probably sorta mad. Well, that and the whole Tuberville thing. Gonna be a good game. Which I'll probably wind up missing, just like most of the rest. ::sigh::

And I missed going Trickertreatin last night, too. I still have this head full of petrified phlegm, along with sandpaper eyeballs, headache, blurry vision, stopped up ears, dizziness, torpor, coughing, sluggishness, body odor, dry flaky skin, aural hallucinations, sudden loss of ear hair, ripped pants, socks which roll down, vertigo, birds, north by northwest, static electricity, fever, loss of lubricant from rear main seal, increased pressure in evaporator coil, profound mental retardation, sleepiness, and spinach stuck on my tooth. How could I go out in that kind of condition?!?

Reba took the kids and I stayed home and gave away razo...I mean, CANDY. We had 81 kids come by, and this year they seemed to be a very nice bunch, even the big goofus high school kid with his THREE (3!) girlfriends who were each packed into various spandex angel/cat/witch bodysuits. Not that I looked! 'Cause I didn't, and if you tell, I'll deny it! (Note to self--find out what they put in the water around here...) They all even said "thank you," which sure is nice when you know what the alternative is. Reba only took a little while since it got sort of chilly last night, which disappointed our kids to no end. Oh well.



THE POULTRY REPORT!!!

(Well, gee, what did you expect?)



Well, this is not really that big of a surprise, is it? Sniper Suspect Shown in Campaign Ad
WASHINGTON (AP) - John Allen Muhammad, accused in the sniper killings, has made his political debut. His image is appearing in a gun control commercial that an underdog Democrat hopes to ride to victory in New Jersey.

"Scott Garrett shouldn't be blamed for the sniper," says a commercial that Anne Sumers' campaign has begun airing in a district in the northern part of the state. "But Garrett's positions are the problem."

The Garrett campaign sharply criticized the ad.

"I think it's sickening to see Anne Sumers exploiting the tragedy of the sniper shootings in a cheap attempt to get votes and avoid the real issues," said Evan Kozlow, a spokesman for the GOP contender.

Jeff Garcia, a spokesman for Sumers, defended the ad as an attempt to use a recent event to bring the important issue of gun control to the voters.

The commercial opens with a newspaper photo of Muhammad, who faces charges in the shooting deaths that terrorized the Washington, D.C., area this month. That fades to the image of a barrel of a gun on one side of the screen and a picture of Garrett on the other.

The ad says Garrett voted in the Legislature to repeal a ban on assault weapons and to weaken laws covering concealed weapons. [...]
Typical.

And for what it's worth, the so-called "assault weapon ban" is based on purely cosmetic criteria that have nothing to do with the lethality of a particular caliber of bullet. According to the terms of the The Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, a semiautomatic rifle can be considered an "assault weapon" only if it has at least two of the following characteristics:

i) a folding or telescopic stock;
(ii) a pistol grip that protrudes conspicuously beneath the action of the weapon;
(iii) a bayonet mount;
(iv) a flash suppressor or threaded barrel designed to accommodate a flash suppressor; and
(v) a grenade launcher;

The rifle used in the sniper attack, manufactured after the law went into effect, only has one of these characteristics, a pistol grip. The .223 round is no more or less lethal when fired from something that has a pistol grip and fearsome looking black plastic stocks than it is from Granddad's shiny blue Ruger with the nice pretty wood stock.

And in the end, no matter what the law is, there were men out there who didn't much care one way or the other about the finer points of law.

They are killers, and deserve justice.



Well, first of all a big thanks to both South Knox Bubba and Meryl Yourish for kindly linking to the now moldering All-Fired Axis of Weevil Scary Story Blogburst of 2002, which resulted in my having a bunch of new visitors. And I'm sure an equal number of very confused people who can't quite figure out what Possumblog is all about.

Let me tell you, friends, Possumblog is all about...all about...er, well...it's about the tingling urges of...no..ahhh...Possumblog is about fighting for the common cormorant...no, that's not it...I believe that Possumblog is the shining example of tautological...I am dedicated to perpetuating the ideals of that great American, Kathy Ireland...uh, Kirsten Dunst, NO, uh Jodi Applegate, yeah...no, wait, Possumblog is mostly about the great drama unfolding across the American landscape and especially upon the hills and vales of the great state of Alabama...aw, crap, I don't know. Wait! That's IT! Possumblog is about crap I don't know! There now.

Now that that's cleared up (along with that slightly raised red rash) I would also like to take a moment and thank the membership of the Alabama Coon Dog and Blog Writers Colloquium, aka The Axis of Weevil, who contributed their own scary stories and hopefully had some fun. Because that's what being an Axis is all about, now isn't it!?

AND BY THE WAY--THERE ARE JUST A FEW MORE BOOGERBEAR OUIJI BOARD STORIES OUT THERE!

Including the horror of...EPISCOPALIANISM!!!! I somehow neglected to see The Debutante of the Delta Entente Irene Adler's couple of bewitching tales, so here's the link. And a bit of a...ahem, taste of the unexpected:
[...] Of the stories we shouldn’t have been telling each other, I remember particularly one about a Ouija board. One girl, pale blond and long-faced — what was her name? statistically, probably Jennifer — told us about This One Time that her cousin invoked the spirit of a dead child.

Her mother had lost a sibling when she was little, and they — it’s always a they, it’s always a group of children who remember the one who led them into it — all sat around the Ouija board to see if they could call their uncle down.[...]
OwwwOOOOOOOOO! Sorry, had that one last bit of Count Floyd to get rid of.

And I got a nice mention from Dr. Reynolds for sending him a link to an online account of the Philippine Constabulary written in 1938 by a man named Vic Hurley. The particular chapter I linked was one in which the author describes the ways in which the Moro tribesmen would steel themselves for attacking infidels, along with the steps attributed to a Colonel Alexander Rogers of the 6th Cavalry to deal with them. Real life scary stories, to be sure. (By the way, I think the story in the Israel National is probably only as accurate at the one they say they referenced from the Moskovskii Komsomolets--my own opinion is that it was probably something said in reference to what others have done in the past, with a quick "we oughta try it, too" kind of comment. Hard to tell until the actual story is translated into English--to work, blogosphere! Here is an excerpt from Chapter 17:
[...] I am indebted to Captain J. A. Tiffany, Philippine Constabulary, for the following graphic account of an attack of juramentado Moros at Camp Severs.

"The camp itself was a large rectangle, completely enclosed with wire. The line of company tents were about ten feet inside the wire on each side. Inside the line of tents were the saddle racks and the picket lines of horses. The fence was seven feet high, with ten wires, making the strands about eight inches apart. Every twenty feet along the top of the fence, was a Dietz lantern with reflector to light up the high grass outside for several yards. The firing trench just inside was. banked up and ready for business. In a few seconds after an alarm by the sentries, the men could be out of their tents and ready to meet an attack. We felt secure.

"At sundown, with Captain Purington, I inspected the defenses. We agreed that the men could sleep in perfect security with four sentries posted. No Moro could get through that fence alive. Even if they made a quick mass attack, our men would split them on bayonets while they were entangled in the wire.

"I was about ready to roll in that night when I went outside the tent and sniffed the wind like a horse when a bear is in the bush. Lieutenant Crites and myself were quartered in a tent at the opposite end of the camp from our company. Something was not right. I felt it, but could see nothing. The sentries were alert on four sides. I said nothing to Crites about my uneasy feeling. Perhaps it was that I had been used to being near my men at night. In the jungles and in Lanao we Constabulary officers had been in the habit of bunking down alongside our soldiers and non-coms. Here, in an American army camp, we had army traditions to uphold.

"It was in the night that I came out of a deep sleep feeling that a shot had awakened me. Then there were two shots and a cry: 'MOROS . . . MOROS.' Then a whole barrage of shots. I reached for my riot gun. It was gone! So was Lieutenant Crites.

"Snatching my .45 from beneath my pillow, I tore aside the mosquito-net canopy and ran out of the tent. Dark figures were coming up to the fence on the run. The firing was general.

"Realizing that in my white B. V. D.'s I might be mistaken for a Moro, I jumped back into the tent for my khaki shirt, pulling it on as I ran down the company street. Eight juramentados broke from cover and charged the camp. The ten second's delay in recovering my shirt saved my life, for I would have been confronted by six of them with nothing but my .45.

"With drawn pistol I was running down the street to my command. My path lay between the picket line of cavalry horses and the row of tents. A dim figure was running just ahead of me. I supposed it was a soldier on his way to the firing trench. The night was so dark I kept butting into the saddle racks. A big cavalryman charged out of a tent just ahead of me with a riot gun. He poked the gun within a foot of the running figure ahead of me and blasted. The man swerved and stumbled on. 'My God,' I wanted to shout, 'stop shooting at our own men.' Then I brought up suddenly. Powder smoke filled my nostrils and I was looking down the barrel of that same riot gun. The big soldier was about to let go again. Some kind of a squealing voice came out of me: 'Hey . . . it's me . . . it's me'... I would never have recognized it as my voice. I ran on; there was no time for palaver. My boys were firing rapidly . . . standing up. That puzzled me. I could see the flashes. And then I heard the familiar clang of a steel blade on a gun barrel as one of my men parried a barong. The Moros were through the fence! My men were hand to hand! I saw Crites as I heard the boom of the riot gun. In the red light a Moro was charging in with barong uplifted. Crites dropped him in mid-air. [...]
UPDATE: Via Google News, I just found the following article written by Sergey Yugov of Pravda from October 26 which might be the original source for the various stories circulating. It does mention a lot of public comment that the bodies ought to be desecrated, probably more in frustration than as a real matter of policy, and it does go on to point out the following, which should be pretty obvious:
[...] As for pig skins and burial in pig’s manure, Chechen terrorists Maskhadov, Basayev and so on are hardly frightened with the theologians’ intimidations. They are always ready to provide strong arguments to make their subordinates commit acts of terrorism. And they can find any Muslim theologians which will help them inspire kamikaze for terrorism acts.

The problem of terrorism extermination is rooted deeper. The Russian council of muftis supported actions of the Russian authorities taken to settle the hostage situation in Moscow. As it is said in the council’s statement issued on the problem, “actions of the terrorists have nothing to do with the laws of our religion. These people are neither fighters for the belief, not fighters for freedom of their nation. On the contrary, they have caused much damage to their nation. They have got what they deserve; they are sure to be punished by the God for everything they have committed and for the harm they have done.”
(It may further be noted that the world is officially a really weird mixed up place, witnessed by the fact that I just quoted approvingly a story from Pravda.) Further update, the Atlanta Journal Constitution is reporting the Moskovskii Komsomolets story, and I am almost positive they have not seen an English translation of it--a commentor over at Free Republic says he read the actual article, and it doesn't say anything about the other white meat, only that the bodies would not be turned over to the relatives. Also, I just went back and looked at Little Green Footballs and found the same Pravda story was commented on last evening while I was passing out candy (or just plain passing out). Wonder if the AJ-C will ever decide to do the same sort of followup?


Thursday, October 31, 2002

YET MORE PARTICIPANTS IN THE THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

Chuck Myguts over at Redneckin' leaves the wily forest critters alone for a bit and lets loose with a monstrous story of two imps, Grubby, firewater, and pee--
[...] Priming the pump, we asked Grubby that afternoon about the old cemetery and if there were any ghosts there. Grubby was more than happy to oblige. Fishing his bag of Beechnut out of his hip pocket, he started to put a massive chew in his cheek, then thought better of it. He carefully looked into the bag, fingering the long dark strands of tobacco before putting a wad in his mouth. I suspect it had something to do with his already having heard about old lady Davis finding worms in her snuff can that she had left on the porch swing. Now ready, he launched into the first of several gruesome stories about the ghouls, murders and such that all happened in Pumpkin Bottom. The stories were so graphic, so chilling that they had Mikie and I reconsidering going into the graveyard after dark. [...]
On a serious note, I don't know if Chuck's ever said it on his blog or not, but since he's a pretty active hunter I'm sure he's heard the old saying--"There's only two things I'm afraid of in the woods--dogs, and men." Stay safe out there, Chuck.

AND THEN ANOTHER...

While posting the above, I just got an e-mail from long time ("long" being relative here, even in Internet time) Possumblog reader and Fighting Falcon Fixer Upper Nate McCord out in Utah (who keeps saying he's going to start his own blog--GET TO IT, MISTER!) who send the following:
Terry, your story today about the mill was very good. And believable. I don't really know where my belief in the supernatural came from, but I do believe there are many things out there that can't be explained through scientific study. I'm not superstitious and not afraid of things I can't see either but I do believe there is a supernatural possibility that is occasionally revealed to us.

But I have a story too...

It was fall of 1973. I was a high school senior in Alliance, Ohio and dating the woman that would become my first spouse. She lived a few miles out of town in an old farm house with her extended family. Our usual routine on Saturday nights was to watch a local movie program that specialized in 50's scary movies featuring pie plate flying saucers and rubber lizards eating large metropolitan areas.

On this particular evening we watched said scary movie that was as I recall a sci-fi alien invasion type feature. Afterwards we had ice cream in the kitchen with her uncle and we talked about the possibilities of UFOs and space aliens for quite some time. This subject had even been in the news for several days as the governor of Ohio had reported his own sighting of "something" while on a trip in Michigan.

So, lots of talk about spooky stuff, then time for me to go home. As was our usual hormone driven habit, my girlfriend and I proceeded outside to neck for a few minutes against the fender my 1964 Pontiac Gran Prix before I returned home.

We're outside; its dark, cold and we're keeping warm by close personal contact while smooching. I'm leaning on the car, she's leaning on me. Suddenly a loud BONGGG reverberates through the driveway and from not very far from our spot. Now girlfriend is nearly standing on my shoulders trying to get away from something! She's clamoring for the safety of the porch and its 60 watt security.

Seems that empty 55 gallon barrel over by the garage cooled off enough to suck down the top... No space aliens but a might fine jumpstart to the adrenal glands!
Thanks for the story, Nate! (You ol' sly devil, you!)

AND I SEE HERE A STORY DESCRIBED AS...

EXCRUTIATING!!! Aaaaaiiieeee!!! Anywho, Quana Jones of Eristic with a gripping yarn of terror in the dark woodlands...
[...] In the last few minutes of official daylight, I leaned forward expectantly, now kneeling on one knee to give myself better balance for the shot. As I gazed downward, I suddenly became aware that something was moving behind me, just up the bank. Something big. And quiet. Whatever it was, it was moving toward me very slowly. I turned my head left and right, gazing up the bank. Nothing was visible in the deep brush. I listened intently.

Schlp...schlp! Silence. [...]
(Quana also gives me a great idea for a fun activity for the next Axis of Weevil company picnic--wet tee-shirt contest!)

AND MORE KUDZU PICKIN'S--

Larry Anderson comes up with another good story about...human papilloma virus!!!!!!!
[...] If you had warts you went to old Andy who by casting a spell removed the warts. Now I read everything I could get my hands on as soon as I learned to read and by the age of ten or so, I had become a sophisticate and did not believe in such hokum. Old Andy was fun to hang around however since he had the best stories of any of the adults I knew. I had a string of warts on the back of my left hand that had been there for several months. One day I was visiting with Andy when he happened to see the warts. He asked to see my hand. Holding my hand in one of his, he waved his other over it and muttered something I did not understand. [...]
...Probably something like "This derned kid needs to quit letting frogs pee on him."

AND MORE, FROM A GIRL WHO GETS A NOD EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT PART OF THE AXIS OF WEEVIL BECAUSE SHE IS PART OF THE SPAWN OF POSSUMBLOG--

Francesca Watson at Yorkie Blog, another long-time reader and not-so-long-time blogchild reads over the chilling and frightful tales of misery and woe found upon these pages and feels compelled to share her morbid memories--
[...] Our front door was on the latch… open, unsecured, the lock shot across so that the door could rest nearly closed against the latch. This never happened -- never, ever, ever. Safety and security were watchwords in our home. Something was seriously wrong.

My heart pounding in my chest, I flew back to the bedroom as fast as my little feet would carry me, flinging myself into Mark’s small trundle bed and wrapping my arms around him. This was not common Big Sister behavior, and Mark’s Worry Antenna, always sensitive to begin with, shot up instantly.

“What’s the matter?” he asked apprehensively.

I didn’t know what to say -- the hugeness of what was wrong was beyond my ability to articulate. We were alone. Finally, with as much Big Sister bravado as I could muster, I said:

“Mom’s probably dead. But don’t worry, Mark, I’ll take care of you.”[...]
YIKES!



Searching the local haunts--History of suffering makes South fertile for frights, professor says
[...] One professor, who studies ghost folklore, said places in Alabama, really in the entire South, are especially fertile for haunting, or at least for tales from the netherworld.

"I think a lot of it has to do with the sad legacy of slavery down here and the Civil War. People in the South, as a region, have suffered more than the rest of the nation," said Alan Brown, professor of literature and writing at the University of West Alabama.

That suffering gives rise to stories of tragic death. Combine that with deeply religious beliefs of an afterlife and you've got all the makings of paranormal visitors lurking on many a staircase, he said.

"Southerners love to tell stories anyway," said Brown, who recently published a book called "Haunted Places in the American South." [...]
Oh please, that's just an old worn-out stereotype!



EU Files Suit Against Tobacco Giant

'Muffler Man, Jolly Green Giant, and Shoney's Big Boy Meet to Plot Anti-EU Strategy'



Bed Forces Sleepyheads to Rise in Morning
NUREMBERG, Germany (Reuters) - A German schoolgirl has invented a "merciless bed" to ensure that sleepyheads get up in the morning.

The bed gradually raises the mattress after an alarm rings. After five minutes, the sleepyhead is rolled onto the floor.

"I constructed it myself," Iris Koser, 16, said at an exhibition of inventions this week.
Nah...too easy.



THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

Well now, since I have used an entire 4/5 of a workweek building it up, here is a story my dad told me that never fails to give me a weird skincrawl.

As I have for the past few days, I will preface this by saying my family has never been superstitious, and whenever I was little and my sister would torment me with scary stories, my mom’s usual reaction was to simply say “Aw, pshh.” Nothing more—she’d just turn back to whatever it was she was working on. As if ghostes and boogermen really weren’t real! Imagine!

My dad was the same way, and even more so, for as my mom had some sense about her to not do things which were deliberately dangerous, not only was my dad completely devoid of fear of the otherworldly, neither did he have much hesitation about trying any danged-fool stunt that came along. He was a practical joker, and bullshitter extraordinaire. He took great pride in preying on the skittish, the unsuspecting and the superstitious. Luckily, no one ever got mad (much), because he was such a good sport about it.

In any event, to him ghosts and witches and devils and stuff were just tools to tease silly women and the weak-minded. He grew up in a harder time—when storebought shoes came once a year, when a trip to the woodshed meant something, when boys played football wearing open faced leather helmets. His growing up world was one populated by rough men, miners and railroad bulls and hoboes and moonshiners and Kluxers. He wandered through the jungles of New Guinea while still a kid, and came home to work in the steel mills of Jones Valley. He didn't need superstitions--he had already seen some of the worst of reality.

He started out his adult work life at U.S. Pipe as an ingot mold stripper, or ‘ignorant mold stripper,’ as he liked to say, and decided there had to be something better than the heat and backbreaking toil, so he took some classes and learned welding, and finally was able to swing a job with U.S. Steel, working maintenance of way.

“Maintenance of way” is mill-speak for fixing the miles of railroad tracks which laced Birmingham’s industrial west bringing in coal and ore and limestone and sending out millions of tons of steel and iron. Although similarly laborious, and occasionally dangerous (his motorcar was nearly hit by trains several times) it did give him some freedom, and he loved being able to set his own work schedule and be outside and riding around the tracks. This also allowed him to make maximum use of his natural garrulousness, and he knew folks all over Fairfield and Ensley. Again, these men were rough-and-tumble iron and steelworkers, proud, profane men who had fought Germans, and Japanese, and Italians, and Red Chinese; who had fought for their union, when fighting might actually mean bloodshed and death; and who would fight each other just for fun. But, as I said, my dad’s tools were a quick wit and a mischievous streak—he never went in for the drinking and fighting stuff, thankfully, but still he was a fearless man.

As the years wore on, the old Ensley works, which was built by Tennessee Coal and Iron in 1899 before it became a part of U.S. Steel in 1907, began to dwindle in importance, its old blast furnaces and Bessemer converters giving way to more productive technologies, and finally a decision was made to shutter it in the early 1970s.

It was one of the typical steel mills of the turn of the century, with rows of old brick buildings and sheds— here is a postcard of it from probably the early 1900s from a collection at the University of Alabama, and here are a couple from a postcard seller on E-bay--one shot… and then another. (It was reopened briefly in the mid-'70s, then almost as quickly shut down again, this time for good. It was eventually demolished between 1982-1985.)

During the first shut down, maintenance crews still performed routine repairs and checked security, which brings us the real story.

I don't really remember when my dad told me this story—since it was during that first shut down, I suppose I was probably about 13 or 14. I distinctly remember my mom being in the den when he was telling this, but I called her today and she doesn't remember a thing about it. Typical. To her it was probably just a bunch of forgettable BS as with most of the stuff my dad came up with.

However, I remember it mainly because it seemed the precise OPPOSITE of the corny hoo-haa he would make up—I knew the men he told me about actually were men he knew, and he never let on that this was a joke. His normal thing was to lead you on then drop the act and have a good laugh. Same thing with the guys from work—after the joke was told, you would start guffawing at reeling in a big suckerfish. This was different, though.

As far as I know, my dad was the only person that was told about this, and I think mainly because the man who told him was afraid of being teased and mocked for it. Which makes me wonder why he would tell my dad, given his penchant for doing that very thing, other than the fact that the fellow figured he could trust my dad. I only recall him telling the story once, and even with all the websites for Alabama ghost stories, this one is not listed anywhere.

I am not going to use the real names my dad's friends. I don't know if they are still alive, and if I have incorrectly remembered this story, I don't want them to have to put up with any mess should this ever find its way back to them. (I really doubt it would, but I'd rather just be safe). And again, maybe this was just some crap they made up. I don't know.

Anyway, enough build-up—the story starts back in 1971 or so right before the shutdown, when one of the old timers at the plant passed away. His name was Asa Reed, and had worked at Ensley since before the Depression, working at the rail mill, the rail car shop, and in later years in one of the small tool storage buildings. He was a big and friendly man, and knew all the ins and outs of the mill and everyone there and truly enjoyed going to work—he was one of the few who actually didn't mind working second shift. He passed peacefully at his home. My dad knew him to look at him, but as they were in different departments they never were really acquaintances.

Two of my dad's friends who were assigned to plant maintenance did know him, however—one was a machinist named Mince Hicks, and the other was a journeyman mechanic named David Gray. After the shutdown they were kept on with a few other men just to keep things from falling apart.

As my dad told the story, he said Gray (he always called everyone by their last name) came by one afternoon before my dad's quitting time to drink coffee. Gray mentioned that he and Hicks had a peculiar thing happen. My dad said Gray kind of laughed it off, but that you could tell it still bothered him. He related that Gray told him that he and Hicks were having to work second shift at the old plant. Since it was late, there was nothing to do but sit around, except for the occasional request from the Fairfield Works (the other, more modern mill which sits a few miles to the west which is still in operation today) to send something over by courier or for a spare repairman when something broke.

He said Gray told him that they got a call one evening earlier in the month to send over some sort of tool or part or something, and that he and Hicks walked over to the tool building to get the item. They unlocked the door, locked it behind them when they came in, and turned on one dim row of lights over on one side of the shop up above a storage mezzanine. They walked over to the staircase to go up and Hicks stopped him. "Look there." At the top of the landing was a big man, arms hanging at his sides, dressed in a ratty old thermal jacket, bib overalls and workshirt, and an old welder's cap pulled down over his eyes. Neither man moved—Gray said, "Hey there—what're you doing in here!?" The man on the landing didn't move or speak.

Gray told my dad both him and Hicks were standing there when Hicks suddenly called out, "Asa?" The man slowly turned to his left and walked on down between the rows of tall shelves full of boxes. Reed told my dad that he and Hicks just looked at each other, then shouted "Hey!" back up the steps. Again, no answer, so they decided to go on up and find out who this was. They reached the top of the stairs and switched on the rest of the lamps over the mezzanine. No one was there. Just shelves and boxes. They had just come up the only set of steps, and had seen no one leave, or heard anyone make any noise. It was just empty. On the old wooden shop desk in the corner of the mezzanine sat the part they had come for. They grabbed it up and quickly went back downstairs, once more having to unlock the shop door to get out.

Gray told my dad that he and Hicks didn't say anything else about what had happened the rest of the night. Gray said, "You know, I don’t no more believe that kind of s**t than anything under the sun, but that sure was a peculiar thing to have happen."

My dad allowed that indeed it was.



Quite possibly the single most accurate Google hit to Possumblog of all time: long winded conversations with non sequiturs. Finally, I am being recognized for my prodigious talents in this subject. Thank you--thank you all.


Wednesday, October 30, 2002

FURTHER TALES FROM THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

See, I got the date right now! (And I went back and fixed it everywhere else. Maybe) ANYway, Mistress of Fright Janis Gore of Gone South has produced three tales of suspense--the first of an evil known only as "Paul":
[...] The house I live in now is on the edge of town, near farm fields, and is very dark despite the neighbors' mercury lights. The master bath has a window that lets onto the back yard. Even now I expect to see a face scrunched against that window one night. And I stifle a shudder when I hear critters rooting through the flowerbeds or scratching at the screen. At least nobody is hanging from the live oaks.
Then, there is the Hitchcockian terror which is the hallmark of gay paperboys--
[...] One evening I was taking a good hot shower before going out on the town. As far as I knew, I was alone in the apartment. I was busily soaping my hair when a hand reached in and touched my foot. [...]
And finally, there is the chillingly prescient tale of attempted strangulation--
I, like most people, have some extremely realistic and frightening dreams. One night I dreamed that I was asleep in a recliner. [...]
AAaaaarggghhhh! NOT THE RECLINER!

Again, the Axis of Weevil Legal Affairs Department and Screen Door Repair Shop disclaim any liability for injuries or mental instability caused by the continued exposure to these horrid stories. And despite the fact that I keep linking to websites about Count Floyd, any similarity between Monster Chiller Horror Theatre and the A-FAoWSSBo2002 is purely coincidental.



Hey cool--I managed to beat Instapundit to a story! Here is Dr. Reynold's link of today, and here is my comment (well, actually more of just a complete cut and paste) back on Thursday the 24th. Advantage: Slow moving, dull witted marsupial!



You know, over the past three days, I have been using the headline about the Scary Story Blogburst of "2003." Some of you may be wondering why it is that I keep doing this, knowing full well that it is 2002, and not 2003. The best explanation I can give you is that I typed in 2002, and I keep typing in 2002, but some mysterious force keeps changing it to 2003. The only other alternative is that I have a terrible sinus infection, and the lack of oxygen reaching my brain due to my stopped up nasaltory passages has caused a flare-up bout of my chronic stupidity.



THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

Mac Thomason The Ectopundit summons up a tale of frightened Yankees, rental cars, Courtney Cox and the undead--
[...] Still, we figured it was just one of those random murders like you get in the city, and one of the Beaufort cousins took the house over and sold it to a young couple. But they were only there for a couple of weeks when they said they couldn’t stay there any more. It seemed someone had tried to strangle the wife in her sleep, but when the husband heard her choking there wasn’t anyone there but him and her. [...]
All the rest of you need to get to work!

UPDATE--I just now looked over in the Kudzu Acres patch, and see that Larry Anderson has once again been on a productive streak with two more stories--the first of gunplay and bloodshed:
[...] Every night during the training period, Jim and his mentor stopped at a roadside tavern, one of the hundreds that still stand at the intersections of otherwise deserted country roads in the Southwest. Jim's job was to go into the bar and buy two cigars for the evening's patrol. Over the year of training, the routine became: Jim enters mostly empty bar. Barmaid yells "Hi Jim", Jim yells back. Jim buys cigars, says bye and leaves bar.


First night with Gun: Jim enters bar, barmaid ignores him. He is a little taken back, but then sees that patron at bar is pointing a pistol at the barmaid. Jim draws .357. Patron starts to turn. Jim sees second man with gun off to his right. [...]
And then there is the scariest story of all, complete with reference to the one and only Prince of Darkness!
Way back in 1992, I bought a 1960 Austin Mini with the intent to restore and drive it as my daily transportation. [...]
AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!! Good night a'living I nearly get a heart attack every time I read stuff like that!!



VH1 pulls the plug on Liza Minnelli's reality show before it starts; says husband was difficult
[...] VH1 has pulled the plug on the singer's planned reality TV show, complaining that her husband, David Gest, was impossible to work with. [...]

Gest would repeatedly cancel production meetings and shooting schedules, and restricted VH1's access to his wife, according to an official at VH1 who spoke on condition of anonymity.

He was also a "neat freak" who ordered a VH1 staff member to stand duty with a portable vacuum cleaner while a hole was drilled in a wall, the source said. The New York Post said Gest required VH1 crew members to wear surgical booties while in their apartment. [...]
This is just so darned shocking.



Over the years, I have purchased enough stuff from The Sportsman's Guide catalog to pretty much assure myself of a lifetime supply of catalogs and e-mail offers. They generally have some pretty interesting things--I have gotten some good prices on closeout boots and various frightening bits of militaria. I really regret that they quit selling their ladies' camouflage lingerie sometime before Reba and I got married, but I was tickled to death to see this comfortable item in the catalog, just in time for Christmas!



"The WORM Factor" via Gnat's dad--
[...] It all could come down to Mondale. How likely is his victory? It's not a sure thing. Yes, he beat Ronald Reagan in Minnesota, but he won by fewer than 4,000 votes. This time his opponent -- a breezy ex-lib named Norm Coleman -- need only remind the voters of Mondale's acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention in 1984. When it came to taking money from your pocket, Mondale was clear: His hand almost trembled with anticipation. Recall the famous promise from the '84 speech: "It must be done, it must be done. Mr. Reagan will raise taxes, and so will I. He won't tell you. I just did."

This was intended as an applause line.

As for foreign policy, Mondale promised to stop helping the Contras in El Salvador in his first hundred days, which could have handed the country over to communism for the foreseeable future.

He decried Reagan's indifference toward arms control by lurching into hysteria: "Why has this administration failed? Why haven't they tried? Why can't they understand the cry of Americans and human beings for sense and sanity in control of these godawful weapons? Why, why?"

Perhaps because Reagan had decided to defeat the nation that pointed the nukes at America, instead of spending all his time on a treaty that would confine their warheads to 10,000. President Mondale would not have insisted that Mr. Gorbachev "tear down this wall." He would have implored the Soviet leader to enter into sincere, bilateral discussions that would make the wall 17 percent thinner. [...]
Of course, that 17% would have gotten added back to the height, but that's another set of discussions.



White House 'gabfest' gives select radio hosts special access to administration officials
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Six days before Election Day, the White House opened its gates Wednesday to talk radio hosts, staging an invitation-only North Lawn gabfest that gave the select few direct access to Bush administration officials.

Democrats complained that the event favored conservative radio programs and was just the latest example of Bush's willingness to use every tool at his disposal to influence next Tuesday's elections by getting out the conservative vote.

About 50 radio talk shows and news programs participated in "Radio Day," held under a vast, heated tent just outside the White House's front door from 6 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. on a cold, rainy day. Most of the shows broadcast live from the North Lawn, with the rest using material from stringers or correspondents. [...]

Shrugging off the timing as mere coincidence, the White House denied any political motive for the special-invitation talkfest. Taylor Gross, the press office staffer who organized the event, said it was long in the making and designed to give access where it is rarely granted. [...]

Those chosen came from across the political spectrum, from liberal to conservative to just-the-news neutral, Gross said.

Democratic National Committee spokeswoman Jennifer Palmieri found the White House explanation lacking, saying the event represented an inappropriate mixing of the official and political with the overt purpose of promoting the Republican Party's agenda.

"I don't find that believable," she said. "First of all, there just aren't that many liberal talk show hosts, that's the sad fact. ... It's clear that the White House's Radio Day is a thinly veiled get-out-the-vote effort." [...]
'Why, they didn't even have the decency to have a corpse!'



ALABAMA THRID IN HOMICIDES ...and number 49 in education.



Breaking News From Chattanooga.com! Man Reports Dead Possum Put In Driveway
Here are the latest crime reports from Bradley County:

River Pointe Circle, man reported a dead possum thrown in his driveway. A few nights before he received hang up calls and pumpkins smashed in his driveway. [..]
SHOCKING! Of course, even more shocking is this one from a bit further down the page--
[...] Moore Road, husband and wife in an argument, then his brother got involved, no assault.[...]
Now what are the odds of THAT happening!?




THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

So far today we have two good ones from Larry Anderson over at Kudzu Acres--one speaking the unspeakable about the chilly spirits found in the Leavenworth Artillery Barracks--
[...] On the night in question, Judy was lying in bed reading when she heard a noise that seemed to come from the living room of the apartment. She assumed it was Saber moving around until he came running into the room at top speed, jumped under the bed and hid. With the dog whimpering under the bed, Judy got up and investigate. [...]
The other is the terrifying TRUE STORY of a brush with unrestful souls--
[...] Most of the killings alluded to by the jury took place in a low, treed, narrow spot in the road about a half mile from my grandmother’s house. She always insisted that we never walk through there after dark since the ghosts of the victims were there and seeking vengeance for the crimes committed against them. Of course, such cautions are bait to teenage boys so one dark Autumn evening we snuck off to check it out for ourselves. In the party were my brothers, three brothers who were our best friends and me. Oh, our best friends were the great-grandsons of the hanged man. [...]
Once more, I tell each and every one of you that I put no stock in such stuff--the mind is a wonderful bit o'meat and manages to concoct all sorts of wildness that in the light of day and reason are no more than swamp gas and indigestion. I have to keep saying this, because the story I have for tomorrow, a similar true one to those above, told to me by me never-ever-frightened-by-anything father, never ceases to cause the bristles to go taut over my spine.

For today, though, my yarns shall be of the more tepid variety, although at the time they happened, when I was but a wee tiny lad, they were scary as all get-out to me.

I had a very active imagination when I was young (long since atrophied) and had a wonderfully tyrannical older sister who took great pleasure in inflicting large amounts of emotional distress upon me. Her favorite TV show was Dark Shadows, and I was the brunt of endless torture as she would talk like Barnabas Collins and jump out at me and tell me about all the monsters that lived around us. She was also fond of preying upon my gullibility, and on one evening as she was babysitting me, I apparently rubbed her the wrong way to the point that she got our great big black telephone on her lap and started dialing..."Hello, Gypsies? Yes, hello, my name is Teresa and I need you to come and take away my little brother Terry..." I started screaming and crying and hollering until she had her fill of fun and finally told me to shut up, that she had her thumb on the hook the entire time. Which was some relief, but still left me with the impression that the Gypsies were yet only a phone call away. Then there was the time that her and my dad decided to have a little fun out in the yard--this happened a few years after The Birds had hit the theaters--but they got outside the house and started squeaking their fingers down the window glass...EEeeee!! EEEeeee!!! EEEeeee!!! EEeeeeeee!... along with various shouts and yelps about birds attacking. Needless to say, this prompted another bout of crying and hollering on my part (and you wonder why I act the way I do), even after I saw what they were doing. My mom made them wash their fingerprints off the glass, though.

I also managed to scare myself pretty good, too, without any outside help. I remember watching in absolute terror as my dad pulled the car into the garage one night as I stood holding my mom's hand. It was dark and as the taillights passed through the door, the shadows of the bushes on either side seemed to attack and follow him in. Of course, it looked like really wide, furry, short monsters as I was still kinda shaky on that whole light/shadow concept, so I just knew they were going to eat him when he got out. They didn't. I figured they must have been too scared of him.

Then there was the Flying Saucer Thing. We had a set of 1959 World Book Encyclopedias, which I loved to look through and see all the pictures. One was very disturbing, though. It was a black and white picture of some sort of wide-eyed animal holding something in its mouth. I went and asked my mom to read the caption, and even though she read something to the effect of "The tropical [insert name of animal] uses its saucer-shaped eyes to find small prey in the dark," I was still struggling with words and such (shaddap--no jokes, please) and it hit my ears as "The blahblah [insert name of animal] flies in a flying saucer in the dark blahblah." After hearing such, the thing it was holding in its mouth finally became recognizable as a TINY HUMAN BEING! Just like on one of those scary flying saucer movie posters! I always hated running across that horrible picture, until years later I found it and read the caption and noted the thing in its mouth was a tiny little lizard.

Then there was the Light. Now this one I still don't quite know what to make of. I was probably no more than three or four. It was evening and we were sitting outside watching the cars go by down on the highway. My dad was sitting in an aluminum folding chair to my right and smoking a cigarette, and I was toddling around beside him when suddenly a small bright ball of white whisked past right in front of the shrubs. Now we had a white dog, but this wasn't a dog, and it sort of glowed and it moved too fast. I asked what it was and my dad got up and looked off across the front yard to the left and then back into the back yard on the right of where he was sitting to make sure the dog was still in the fence. "I don't know what that was." I asked him about it years later and he didn't remember anything about it, and my mom swears it never happened.

That one still kind of creeps me out.

But not like tomorrow's story.



I mentioned last week that Charles Austin is sure to go for 74 this season, especially if Pitcher Dick keeps lobbing eephi. True to his status as the Idioatarian Poster Child, Mr. Cohen doesn't even try to deliver any sort of change-up, and takes crayon in hand (among other things) and pretends that he is not one, but two incandescent lunatics. His latest topic is apparently an attempt to allow Johnnie Muhammad and Bullet Boy to be rehabilitated as medical researchers and move in with him, rather than keeping their appointment with Mr. Hypo. 'Cuz that's the way it happens in the movies. And in Europe. Mr. Austin steps up to the plate...
We are now in the company of Iran, Iraq and North Korea -- an axis of execution, some wiseguy is going to say.

I understand that David Duke likes vanilla ice cream. Does that mean that everyone who likes vanilla ice cream is a racist?

Sir, as the horror of the snipers' crimes fades …


In about 150,000 years.

… pressure will build on you to be reasonable, humane -- even civilized -- and not seek the death penalty.

I can just picture John Ashcroft saying, “Silly young cousin of Richard Cohen, I’d rather be unreasonable, inhumane, and uncivilized.” Can’t you?

While it is true that death will not bring the 10 victims back to life, and life in prison is, really, an awful punishment…

Having to read Richard Cohen columns is an awful punishment. Depriving these two murdering bastards of their next breath is justice.

I recommend, sir, that you merely stick to your guns …

No doubt, Dick just cracks himself up. The long winter evenings at those A-list parties must just fly.

… an unfortunate turn of phrase, maybe…

Maybe?

… but one that sums up our entire position.

Or at least, the caricature of John Ashcroft’s position that Richard has no nobly built for him. But I still can’t assume Richard’s position that we should try and rehabilitate these two and hope that they will be able to do some good for humanity in the future.

Bastards.

All three of them.



Dapper Don, King of Denial--Lottery stirs less attention this time

Displaying his profound ability to sincerely and simultaneously believe two mutually exclusive ideas, Dog's Hind Leg spouts forth with this gem:
[...] Siegelman admits the lottery has been a "sleeper issue" in terms of media coverage and campaign debate, but he says it's the No. 1 issue voters want to talk to him about.

"The vast majority of people supported the lottery last time. We just got out-voted," Siegelman said. [...]
Yeah, whatever. Siegelman still labors under the false impression that he won the last election over Tinker Fob through the promise of a state-wide lottery to fund education. Don has never seemed to understand that he beat Fob James not because of his stupid lottery proposal, but because James was a great big, hulking, moronic embarrassment to the State of Alabama, which, given our incredible ability to embarrass ourselves, is saying quite a lot. ANYTHING was better than Fob, including someone as avaricious and venal as Mr. Siegelman.

The fact is, plenty of money IS available in this state for The Children™, but we will never be able to access it until we really decide to fix our stupid state constitution. Siegelman, apparently concerned that he not be painted as a tax and spend liberal (much better to be painted as venal and avaricious), thinks that the best solution is one which holds out the dishonest promise of something for nothing. Oh sure, folks spend lots of money playing the Georgia and Florida lottery, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. Just like the stupid taxation provisions of our current constitution prey disproportionately upon the poor and stupid, a lottery does the same thing. And this claptrap about making "big, out of state corporations pay their fair share" is just baloney-flavored hogwash, although it again points to Siegelman's pathological inability to find any equitable solutions. You want Big Corporations to pay their fair share? Then quit promoting these economic development deals to lure the Hondas and Mercedes and Toyotas to the state--all that money could be used for The Children™, you know!

In the end, the people of the State of Alabama owe it to themselves to not gamble on the education of their kids. If free, compulsory public education is truly valued and deemed desireable (as it has been through most of the history of the American republic) then it falls to each citizen to pull his or her fair load. The best way anyone has found so far has been through the use of property taxes. They are a more stable, more equitable source of funding for this purpose than money filtched from the pockets of the stupid.

In the end, though, no fundamental, fair change will ever be possible until we take control of our destiny by correcting the cumbersome and misanthropic 1901 constitution. We will forever be wasting huge wads of cash through duplication of services, inefficiency, political posturing, greed, and fraud, and always come up at the end of the month going to the payday loan store or pawning our car title or trying to scrape together change out of the couch cushions.


Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Siegelman appears at school, loses mock election
A week before the real election, Gov. Don Siegelman showed up Tuesday for the student mock election at Verbena High School - and lost.

The students' votes: Republican Bob Riley 115, Democrat Don Siegelman 108, and Libertarian John Sophocleus 14.

Many high schools hold mock elections, but Verbena's voting took on an extra dimension when Siegelman decided to make a personal appearance Tuesday and the Riley campaign responded by getting its supporters and campaign signs to the central Alabama school.

After the votes were tallied, Riley campaign spokesman Pepper Bryars said, "It's the funniest thing that has happened in this campaign."

Siegelman campaign spokesman Rip Andrews said the results were not a surprise in Republican-leaning Chilton County and that Siegelman did better at Verbena High School than he did in Chilton County in the 1998 election.

"We expect the outcome next Tuesday to be close, but with a different victor," he said.[...]
Yeah, whatever. All I know is that it's a good thing he didn't show up at Hewitt-Trussville Elementary. I got home this evening and Middle Girl and Boy both told me about the mock election they held today, in which Bob Riley got around 900 votes and Don Siegelman got around 200 votes.



Gosh, it must be Holy Grail Day...After war of words, France postpones summit with British leader

I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!



Wow, color me shocked--Little Proof That Chiropractic Care Helps Headache

Next thing you know, they'll be saying that naturopathy doesn't work. I guess I'll have to go back to trepanning to get rid of these bothersome headaches.



Bid to save blue swallow
Durban - The University of Natal and Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife have begun a bid to save South Africa's most endangered bird - the blue swallow.

A group from the university's School of Botany, Zoology and Geography and Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife have begun an exercise to find out how to slow the bird's decline. [...]

During the breeding season from September to March, selected swallows in the Impendle area of the Natal Midlands will be fitted with tiny telemetry transmitters - a tracking device so small it can be fitted to a bird's feather.

Researchers will be able to track the movements of the birds to determine how they use their habitat and environment. [...]
No word yet on the ability of the birds to grasp the husks of a coconut, nor upon their maximum airspeed.



Birmingham lawyer disbarred for fraud conviction
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) -- A Birmingham lawyer serving a prison term for a fraud conviction has been disbarred by the Alabama Supreme Court.

Allen Eugene Perdue Jr., 37, who was admitted to the state bar in 1998, pleaded guilty to defrauding Alabama Power Credit Union and SouthTrust Bank while working at both institutions.

He is serving a 41-month sentence at the federal prison in Talladega, and has been ordered to pay $237,457 in restitution. [...]

Federal prosecutor Ron Brunson said Perdue was a loan officer at the credit union in 1999 when he conspired with a car dealer to set up loans for customers with bad credit histories.

Instead of seeking approval for the loans from the credit union's loan committee members, Perdue processed the high-risk loans by forging committee members' signatures and initials, Brunson said.

Once the loans were approved, the car dealer gave Perdue kickbacks, Brunson said. Perdue took out about 20 loans in the scam from March to August 1999. [...]

When the credit union discovered the scheme, they fired Perdue, who later got a job at Colonial Bank, Brunson said.

While at Colonial Bank in 2000, Perdue secured personal information and Social Security numbers on several Colonial Bank customers, Brunson said. Perdue used the information to order credit cards from SouthTrust Bank, Brunson said. [...]

Perdue had the cards mailed to his church, where he was a deacon.

Video from security cameras at ATMs showed Perdue using the cards, Brunson said. Perdue's use of the cards cost the bank $55,000, Brunson said.
Quite a statement there--young lawyer, banker, church deacon--turning to a life of crime to bilk hundreds of thousands of dollars from small depositors, when the obvious alternative was going into politics. I guess some things are just too horrible to contemplate.



A mind is a terrible thing...

Once more, as I delve into the repressed memories of past terror in my life, I feel compelled to state that I do not believe in otherworldly visitations by ghosts or other such malarkey. The reason I keep saying this is for the benefit of my last story of the week, which I will post Thursday, which never fails to give me the creepy crawlies every time I think about it.

And of course, thinking never ceases to get me in trouble, because the brain is an odd creature. No matter how much you tell yourself everything can be coldly and rationally explained, your brain decides it’s going to mess with you just for fun. The following two stories are not necessarily spooky (which again, will be built up and saved for Thursday), but at the time provided a nice little jump start to the old fight-or-flight response when they happened.

Eek Number One—Back when I was at Auburn, I lived in a tiny little travel trailer at #41 Campus Trailer Court. This lot sat at the very bottom of a hill, and across the road from a huge pond. It was actually a sewage basin, but believe it or not, it never smelled bad, and had quite a crop of wildlife including all sorts of frogs and water birds. This is important for atmosphere of the story, though, because it did get sorta foggy down there at night, and the tall thicket of brush around the basin held all sorts of noisy animal things.

It was always pretty peaceful, in that sort of forgotten, back pasture that got turned into a trailer park way—lots of big trees, neighbors really quiet (except for that one semester when a group of loud-mouthed trash moved in next door and woke up every morning screaming at each other), and that was about it.

One night, I was wedged sideways on one of the narrow little couches having a conversation with my good friend Mr. Television. (Party animal I wasn’t) As I laid there, I heard a distinct rustle of dry leaves outside the wafer thin wall of the trailer.

Crunch…crunchcrunch.

I didn’t think too much about it at first, because, well, that’s just silly—crunch.

From the back of the trailer—crunch. Moving to the side opposite me. Crunch.

Oh this is nice—someone’s dickin’ around outside—probably one of my moron friends. Crunch. crunchcrunchcrunch. Back to the backside of the trailer.

Wait.

Wait.

Crunch right behind me again.

Alright, now this is getting stupid. I rapped on the wall of the trailer. No sound. Well, good!

crunch.

Alrighty now, this needed to be stopping pretty soon! I didn’t know if someone was just wandering around, or if they were trying to break into my storage shed, or trying to set the place on fire, or just trying to spook the crap outta me—whatever, they had managed to quite well do the latter. I flipped the light off and turned the TV off.

c……ru….nch.

Oh for pity’s sake. I grabbed my handy hogleg…

[We interrupt this narrative for a moment to point out the obvious—young, heavily armed, trailer-dwelling, white, Southern, conservative, male; quiet, tending to live away from others; well read; religious beliefs not part of mainstream; mechanically inclined—yes, I fit every possible bad stereotype.]

…mainly because I didn’t like the idea of NOT having it, and eased the door open.

It was dark, of course. And misty, of course. Little woods critters called to each other, of course. No one out. Trailers all around were dark. I stepped out onto the little concrete patio beside the trailer, straining to see back toward the shed…

WHHHHUUUOHHHHHHIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!! [Intended to replicate the sound of me squealing in panic like a small girl]

From behind, a cold wet THING had rubbed itself up against my pasty white hamstring—I whirled around and was met with the snotty wet nose of my neighbor’s golden retriever. STUPID F$#%^ G**$^ D*$# M(%^&^$( F$#^ C**&%# S($&##& STUPID BU*%%$#@ DA(&^^ DOG!

Yes, I had just relived the entire version of Jerry Clower’s story of Uncle Versie getting cold-nosed by a coon dog, minus the shotgun blast.

Small wonder.

Eek Number the Second—This one happened a few years ago after I was nice and married and moved into our first house in Irondale and was no longer a (serious) threat to society, and it’s not really creepy scary spooky, but is in a similar comic vein to the first.

I had to get up before sunrise one winter morning to go do construction observation on a job way down in south Alabama. I kissed all the still sleeping kids (only two at that time) and my wife. I eased downstairs and out the garage to where my truck was parked on the driveway. It really was a beautiful pre-dawn morning—cold, just a slight breeze. The trees back behind the house filtered the last bit of moonlight, with the tops of the naked branches standing out against the clear sky full of stars. It looked like a black and white engraving in a horror story book.

I turned to the door of the truck and fumbled a bit for my key.

WHooHOOOHHHHHOOOOO!!!!!

Who says white men can’t jump!?

I looked up behind me from where the noise came and saw the silhouette of a gigantic owl, perched up in the top of the sweet gum tree. I stood there for a moment and suddenly it launched out and swept down on perfectly silent soft wings, across the yard and disappeared into the woods across the street.

Just a bird, sure. But one that sure knew how to pick its moments.



Jimmy the Rug Sings--Imprisoned former congressman's election campaign airing low-budget ads
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio (AP) -- Former Rep. James A. Traficant Jr., running an election campaign from prison since he was ousted from Congress, is asking voters to re-elect him to show they don't fear the government.

Two commercials started running this week for Traficant, who is serving an eight-year term in a federal prison in Pennsylvania.

"No American should fear their government," Traficant says in one commercial, filmed the day before he was sentenced in July. "You and I both know that many Americans fear their government."
Especially those Americans who can't quite get their brain cells around the concept of "law abiding."
He tells viewers to show the government they're not afraid by voting for him, running as an independent, in the 17th Congressional District over Democrat Tim Ryan and Republican Ann Womer Benjamin.

"I believe I can do a better job than half the people down in Washington," he says.
Sad thing is, he's probably right.
The commercial is the first time the public has seen Traficant since he was sent to prison for bribery and racketeering.

Traficant does not appear in the second commercial. It shows projects he supported, including a federal courthouse and federal prisons, and closes with a voiceover: "Say what you want about him, but Traficant gets the job done."
'Heh, heh--yeah, say whacha want--but youse might wanna be careful--IF youse know what I mean...'
Youngstown State University professor Bill Binning said the low-budget campaign ads are part of Traficant's image.

"They defy modern advertising. Not professional, not colorful, not upbeat," said Binning, comparing them to home movies.

Traficant's campaign has spent $32,976 on "media time," according to its latest Federal Election Commission report.
Only 32K? Better get to work selling some cigarettes...or something. (Shame the Feds won't let him wear the toup in the slam--could have prolly made some big bucks playing "hide the ferret.")



Porsche in Possum Country

Porsche shifts driving school to Leeds
RUSSELL HUBBARD
News staff writer

Porsche, maker of expensive German sports cars, said Monday it plans to move its $1,500-a-day driving school for auto enthusiasts to the Barber Motorsports Park near Leeds because it has outgrown its home at race courses in Atlanta and Florida.

The company's North American unit plans to begin offering one- and two-day classes in advanced driving techniques at the park in March 2003, Porsche North American spokesman Martin Peters said. The Barber race track, scheduled to open next year, will be the only site in North America offering the instruction. [...]
Despite earlier reports, I will actually be picking up a Porsche GT2 on the way home today, rather than the aforementioned Benz. Again, this is strictly for use in an important upcoming role, so as before, please ignore the obvious signs of theft.



And speaking of scary...Ryder Told Saks She Was Researching Role
[...] Saks security manager Kenneth Evans testified that Ryder was "polite and apologetic" when she was stopped leaving the Beverly Hills store and found with some 20 items of designer clothes, handbags and accessories concealed about her person and in her shopping bags.

When Evans told Ryder that the police were being informed of the incident, "she immediately stood up and took hold of my hand and apologized for what had happened," Evans said.

Ryder then told him "my director directed me to shoplift in preparation for a role I am preparing," he added. It was not clear what role or which director Ryder was referring to.

In opening statements, prosecutor Ann Rundle told the jury that the Oscar-nominated actress went to Saks with intent to steal, even bringing scissors to clip security tags from purloined items and wads of tissue to conceal them.

Although she did pay for three items, she had her "own two-for-one bonus program -- for every item she purchased she would help herself to another," Rundle said. [...]

Her lawyer, Mark Geragos, said Ryder was innocent of shoplifting items valued at more than $5,500 and had been singled out by security staff "who got out of control" because of her celebrity status. [...]
I'm sure Winona's next role as a woman in prison will likewise be heavily researched.

Just to stay out of trouble, I would like to say up front right now, that the new Mercedes S-600 L I will be picking up this afternoon is needed for a new role I'm working on. Please ignore the Slim Jim on the seat and the dangling wires.



THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002

So far, things seem to be on schedule for visitors to various Weevilite sites to have access to some of the bestest, most frightening spook tales imaginable. Phyllis Jean, who is keeping track of respondents, says we have received agreements to participate from Quana Jones, Janis Gore(y), Lee Ann Morawski, Sue Lizano, Emily Jones, Larry Anderson, and Fred First--who regales us with tales of embalmed kitties, skulls, and skeletons in "The Coffin House."

Speaking of coffins, and odd occurences, My Friend Jeff, who has never read this blog, and does not know of its existence or of the current call for stories from the spirit world, and in fact doesn't even know what a blog is, just this very minute sent me an e-mail with the following true story:
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP ... behind him.



Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him


BUMP...


BUMP...


BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him...


faster...

faster...



BUMP...


BUMP....


BUMP.


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . .



However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...



on the heels of the terrified man....


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . .


With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.


The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.


Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.






The coffin stops.


DISCLAIMER: The Axis of Weevil, its agents and assigns, accept no responsibility for any injuries or death caused by fright, shock, or other emotional or physical distress caused by exposure to these stories. Read them at your own risk. Any similarity between the character of "Count Floyd" as played by Joe Flaherty on SCTV and any person associated with the Axis of Weevil is purely coincidental.


Monday, October 28, 2002

Study Faults Bolts in WTC Collapse

Aw, heck, let's get this over with and blame God for gravity. This part is troubling--
A federal investigation said the towers' unconventional design contributed to the collapse, noting weak floor supports gave way during the attacks — a similar conclusion to the one drawn by the MIT researchers in their upcoming report.
I'm not sure which federal investigation they're talking about, but as I have posted in the past, everything presented so far concludes that the tower's perfomance far exceeded its design specifications. Yes, it fell, but it cannot be said that it was designed in a way that was knowingly detrimental to the public health, safety and welfare. As the FEMA report (again, the only one I know of--there may be others) notes, other buildings may have stood up longer or not, but there's basically no way of knowing without doing a full scale test of DRIVING PLANES INTO BUILDINGS! In retrospect, given what has been discovered, there are some changes that can be made to building design that provide additional protection for occupants at a reasonable cost, but absent the IMPACT CAUSED BY CRAZED ISLAMIC TERRORISTS FLYING FUEL-LADEN MULTI-TON BOMBS into the towers, there was no way to validate the benefit of such changes.

As always, there seems to be an undying urge to blame someone other than the culprit--in this case, I would have to say it was Boeing for not producing a Nerf airliner powered by rubber bands. They recklessly endanger millions every day by sealing people into non-squishy tubes full of flammable stuff.



Getting some blog mileage outta this Halloween deal...

I have just sent the following message to each of the members of the mighty and fearsome Axis of Weevil, in order to bring to bear their prodigious writing skills to a topic of interest to us all--hopefully the effect will be to fill up some empty space here on Possumblog while simultaneously providing an opportunity for the talented writers of the Alabama Stump Pulling and Blogging Association to strut their vowels and consonants.

Anyway, here goes:

Good afternoon, fellow travelers—

WHEREAS it is late October, when all the frightening, creepy, scary things come out (such as haints, goomers, boogerbears, and politicians), and

WHEREAS this fine State of Alabama, and indeed all of those surrounding it, are all eat up with wild, otherworldly tales of particularly peculiar, gruesome, and terrifying natures, and

WHEREAS we all, being in some odd way connected to the great and wonderful assemblage of counties and municipalities which make up the State of Alabama, and

WHEREAS we have become further associated together by the alchemy of time and circumstance to form the blogospheric alliance known as the Axis of Weevil, and

WHEREAS any goodly Axis worthy of its name does occasionally take it upon itself to work in concert to produce trouble and woe, and

WHEREAS I thought it might be fun, and

WHEREAS it helps fill up space on my blog,

THEREFORE, let it be RESOLVED, that all of we’uns should take the opportunity presented by our association and by the fortunate and auspicious time of year to produce

THE ALL-FIRED AXIS OF WEEVIL SCARY STORY BLOGBURST OF 2002,

in which each member of the Alabama Society for the Preservation of Mendaciousness agrees to post at least one heeby-jeeby story of brushes with paranormality, inexplicable occurrences, pure D evil, disembodied voices, woodland critters, or other such foolish trash.

We are all greatly aware of the debt we owe to Kathryn Tucker Windham, but for the sake of originality and in the great tradition of Southern storytellers, we seek stories of mayhem and fright of your own personal experience (or failing any dalliances with the undead—just make something up.)

SO THEN, minions of Weevilosity, who is up to the challenge?

Cheerfully yours,
Terry Oglesby
I have several such stories, all of which must be prefaced by my saying that I do NOT believe in spooks, witches, ghosts, goblins, poltergeists, elves, orcs, or Don Siegelman. I think ghost stories are mostly foolish claptrap surrounded by a goodly dollop of irrationality. However, having said that, nothing makes the prickles go up the backbone by a tightly told tale of run-ins with the forces of ol' Scratch.

The first I have is one told me by a college friend. I never gave much credence to him, mainly because he was (and still is) very...ahem, "flighty." He always reminded me of Dana Carvey doing "Lyle, The Effeminate Heterosexual"--always hyper, running around, yacking about flowers and pants and tops and soap operas. Anyway, one year he asked a few of us to go to his folk's house in Demopolis for Christmas on the River, which is pretty much what it sounds like--boats with lights and a rolling party on shore. His folks were super nice, and lived in a big 1870s house right on the Tombigbee that they had restored. (Cue spooky music)

Now, as I said, my friend was a frenetic sort of grown-up kid, and I always thought he was wound just a bit too tight (his tour of their house included him playing on the piano every time he walked past it and showing us his little brother's pictures in his clog-dancin' outfit--Clogging? Clogging!? Jiminety) but as the day wound down he finally got over his Red Dye 40/sugar/adrenaline overdose and began to calm down to normal people levels. At this level, he was finally calm enough to allow that he didn't like sleeping in the house.

It seems one day he was doing his normal be-bop all over the house and came prancing downstairs and found a dollar on one of the steps. Which was, to him, just like FINDING A DOLLAR ON THE STEP!! WOO-HOO! Lots of silly jumping, I'm sure. Anyway, he shoved it in his pocket and went on about his business that day. (Which I'm sure included him talking 90 miles and hour and various hops, skips, and plies.)

He went out that night (on a date--WITH A GIRL!) and came back in the house and started bopping back up the steps when he stopped where he found his dollar bill--who knows, maybe he thought there might be another--and then he says he heard a very quiet voice.

"I want..my...dollar."

Needless to say he freaked out and went screaming up the steps and woke everyone up.

Again, I think one of his big brothers (both of whom played football at Alabama--go figure) was probably messing with him, but I still get sort of a weird feeling when it's late and quiet and I'm coming up the steps at night.

Anyway, that's one of mine--I'll post some more in the coming days--be on the lookout for those from fellow Axis of Weevil members.



scourge is an excuse for southern hospitality

Charles Austin had fun with Googlism back on Saturday--yes, I'm proud of you, Charles, but now it's broken due to everyone rough-housing and trying to play with it at once and dropping it on the floor. Yes, I'm mad. I didn't get to play with it.



As I was walking up 20th Street an hour ago to meet the lovely Miss Reba for lunch, my only thought (aside from her) was "Golly gee-whillikers, I sure hope they have soup today. A big bowl of soup would open me up and allow me to breathe. Soup, it does a body good, you know. Mmmm-mmm good. Soup. Soup. SOUP." (Of course, I think I was thinking this and not saying it out loud.)

Anyway, I got there (there being Dyson's Deli, which is where we eat just about every day) and discovered that I had indeed been living right--not only was there soup, it was GUMBO! Nice, thick, hearty, spicy, bay leafy, sausagy, okralicious gumbo! Halleluiah!

Or so you would thing.

Let me tell you, if you're someone with a low grade fever and you're going to have to be in polite company, probably the worst thing for you is to eat something hot and spicy, especially if it comes about that you find it necessary to walk back to work eight blocks in a light rainstorm, which, although it is relatively cool outside, has driven the humidity to 100%.

By the time I got back to the office, I was (and still am, for that matter) a big fat runny snotty sweaty bedraggled mess. And of all days to change from my usual plain white dress shirt, today I have on my really happening and stylish light blue shirt which shows even the most minute traces of bodily dampness.

Ick.

That sure was some good gumbo, though.



CBS debuts its new 'Early Show' format with four anchors

One of them being Julie Chen who, it seems, can't quite get enough abuse from journalistic collegues for her stint on Big Brother, and now goes on to CBS's early morning news show equivalent of a Potemkin village:
[...] They were joined at one point by former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani in the show's most awkward segment. An old hand at television, Giuliani read cue cards introducing upcoming segments and promoted his recently published book. [...]

The four hosts struggled for their roles in the Giuliani segment, mixing talk about his "wonderful book" and "new hairdo" with a meaty question from Storm about the sniper case that referenced Giuliani's background as a prosecutor.

Then, the interview went offtrack when Chen asked, "Needless to say, you're hot right now. Why do you think you're in such demand?" [...]

The most obvious evidence of first-day jitters came in the form of heavily-caffeinated chattiness among the hosts. [...]
::sigh:: Julie Chen sure does look nice, though. Surely that counts for something. (If nothing else, it counts for driving up visits to Possumblog of persons looking for pictures of her without her clothing on.)




I hate staff meetings. Now then, I feel better.

Not really--whatever grotesque sinus packing the children brought home with them Friday they graciously decided to share with their poor befuddled dad, and so now I sit here with blurry vision, a dull, thudding echo between my ears, and great gobs of viscous humours which only drain with gravity. Attempts to forcefully expel them into various bits of paper or the atmosphere are met with sudden painful squeaking ear stoppage and severe pain, with painful hurtness around the eyes and ears. Better to slowly suffocate than have to do the gaping-mouth fish face maneuver to try and unstop the old eustacian tubes. Of course, the kids feel fine.

I never managed to get away Friday, which is probably just as well, as it gave me about two more hours of freedom before having them deliver their biological weapon attack. The kids got their report cards, and for the first time Boy got STRAIGHT As! Catherine got all good marks (which consist of S--Satisfactory, N--Needs Work, and U--Unsatisfactory). She got all Esses except for two Ns in "Knows Birthday" and "Knows Address." Rebecca slipped a bit this time--last year she went all year with straight As, but this time she had three Bs--although they were all 89s--one more point on each and she would have had all As, so it's hard to fault that. Ashley did better than I expected--she has been an unrighteous terror the past couple of weeks, which we have determined from past experience to be an indicator of poor performance in something--she doesn't want to let on that something's wrong, so she compensates by acting like the spawn of hell. In any event, this time she had a couple of As, some Bs, and only one C. Of course, the lowest grades were in classes in which the teachers hate her. Of course. They're mean, they hate everyone, they never explain stuff, they don't let me lie and say I haven't done my homework, they expect me to listen, they give tests--mean ol' biddies. I've said it before, I'll say it again--it's like listening to Yasser Arafat. Anyway, at some level she knows she has to work harder.

Saturday was icky weather, but I got up with my head feeling like it had an interior carpeted in wet fur and got Bec and headed out to Liberty Park. We had to stop at Target on the way to pick her up a new soccer ball, the other having finally succumbed to a puncture somewhere in its fragile little bladder, and had to pick up something to eat. I got her a nice little bowl of fruit with some sort of healthy, wholesome beverage, and I got a Diet Coke and a bag of salty fried starch. MMmmm!

Got there and got settled and they played very well, winning 1-0 against a pretty good team. Our biggest problem was shooting the ball, which has been a problem all season, but at least this time the girls all played together, especially on defense. Rebecca played outside midfielder and sweeper and did really, REALLY well. I was impressed--she's really getting good. Bad part was sitting out in damp drizzly weather with percolating germs in my head. Other bad part was the coach for the other team who seemed to be channeling the ghost of a meth-crazed Ricky Ricardo. Entire game he screamed in rapid fire Spanglish, and the only surprise was the lack of "Lucy, you dissy ret-het!" Hey, I appreciate dedication and all, but this guy was a nut job--they're 10 years old, hombre, calm down a hair--turn it down a notch--ease off the gas--or better yet, shaddup.

Get through, go back up to Trussville park to catch Boy's game--Cat's game was yet one more defeat, 8-2, but I missed that one. Boy's team played Clay to a 1-1 tie, and they all did pretty well. Jonathan kicked the ball a couple of times and didn't let anyone get by him, so all in all, a great effort.

Got 'em all home, stripped their nasty clothes and threw them (the clothes, not the kids) into the washer and I left Mom to tend to them so I could go up to the church building and get ready for the Fall Festival. Set up chairs, tables, fixed the area outside for us to sacrifice marshmallows, and then went to get some more goodies from Wal-Mart. You know, it's not even Halloween yet. Yet, right there at the entrance to the garden shop, two gigantic blowups--one a snowman, one a Santa. AAARRRgggghhhhh! Can't you folks have the decency to wait till November?! Inside--Christmas trees and decoration. ::heavy sigh:: [Alabama Cootifier] WHYYY, back in my day, we didn't have no fancy-schmancy dis-count ree-tailers a'settin' up desecrations until DECEMBER! Next thing you know, we'll be dressin' up like Frankenstein and singin' "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus" to the tune of "Monster Mash!" It just ain't right, I'm a'tellin' y...hey! HEY! YOU KIDS GET OFF MY PORCH! [/Alabama Cootifier] Got back, and the rest of my volunteers had started showing up, all of them wanting to know what to do. Bravely resisting the urge to begin hurling insults and curses (out loud), I did the next best thing and shrugged my shoulders and said for them to do what they volunteered to do. It's not like they haven't ever done this before. Anyway, stuff like this works better for the kids when there is a bit less structure. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

We did have a good time, though. Had a pretty good turnout, considering we had intermittent rain, and several families couldn't come, probably close to 70 or so. A lot of the kids came wearing their costumes (although I did announce that witches or ghosts or demons or stuff wouldn't be a good idea--don't want to be sending the wrong message, eh)--Catherine dressed up against type as an angel, Jonathan came as a ninja, Rebecca was a bobby-soxer with a poodle skirt, and Ashley was some sort of Renaissance princess. My time was mostly spent driving the tractor for the hayride. Let's see--I have a raging sinus disease, I have already been out in the rain for hours, and now I'm going to spend another three hours astride an ancient Allis Chalmers diesel tractor smelling rich, oily exhaust fumes and hay. Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good plan. I guess it could have been worse--I didn't burn anything or die from a horrible crushing accident. And the kids had a grand time. We've got about five acres of relatively flat yard and a few trees, so we went all over the place, including a nice little interlude where I weaved in and out of cars in the parking lot at the blazing top speed of 20 miles per hour. Unfortunately, the wonderful little campfire I built got no use--between all the stuff going on inside the building and the hayrides, no one got to roast any marshmallows. I blame Santa.

Anyway, got all through about 7, went home, rebathed everyone, then I went BACK to the building at 9:00 p.m. (!) to pick up Oldest, who had gone with the teen group to some sort of "fun" activity with the kids at another congregation. I hate the thing of changing clocks back and forth, but Saturday, I was truly grateful for that extra hour.

You will notice in this whole little exposition that I have not, until now, mentioned the drubbing Auburn administered to the Bayou Bengals. That's because I heard the final score after the game was already over. I didn't get to see it, or hear it. But, such does not preclude me from a small amount of gloatage for Miss Janis' benefit, not did it stop me from phoning My Friend Jeff™ this morning as I had mentioned last week and singing "War Eagle" into his voice mail and making fun of the LSU battle cry of "Geaux Tigers" by saying "Go-ex HOME, Tigers!" followed by an evil hillbilly yelping laugh. In response, he just sent the following:
You're just mean. Mean, mean, mean!

Oh, and EVERYONE in the office enjoyed your rendition of the Auburn fight song. So there!!
As if he thinks I care that everyone heard my lovely singing! Pishposh and rubbish! Play it all day long, buddy-boy! When asked if he enjoyed the addendum of the laugh at the end, he wrote thusly:
I know I did. It took the awfulness of the fight song and added a little levity. It made me laugh. It's not Go-x Tigers either! Quit mocking our rich and vibrant Cajun heritage!
(For what it's worth, I figured LSU would live up to their Top 10 ranking and give us a hard time. That's what I get for figurin'. Of course, I'm not about to tell HIM that!)

Sunday was spent in further trips back and forth to church, with the added fun of me having to prop my large, mucilage-filled head up and try to lead singing. My normal three note range was further inhibited by not being able to hear anything except my own droning due to my stopped up ears, with the added pain of those three notes being so low as to be out of reach of small children, pubescent boys, and most of the women. I made up for it by singing "War Eagle." (Not really. I mostly just hacked and coughed and wildly waved my arm about.)

It sure was nice to get home last night and not have to go anywhere else. Well, except for the horrifying dread of having to return here today with my feverish head and sandy eyeballs. Ick.

Anyway, that was about it--feel free to carry on as you were before.



Made it! Of course, you'll have to wait a bit to find out more, because the calendar says "Monday," and the clock says "8:30," which can only mean one thing--time for our stupid weekly staff meeting. So, off I go, but when I return, hooo-boy, will you be sorry!



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