Well, well.

Once again it seems I have been called upon, no doubt due to my well-known and prodigious brainial power, sensitivity, and my ability to marry well above my station, to provide an intrepid searcher of knowledge with information regarding: Ten Rules for Good Communication With Your Wife

Unfortunately for our researcher, the Excite search engine is not so wonderful for returning relevant results--Possumblog was returned as option #40 [well, it was #40, but it seems to have even disappeared from there. Go figure.], it seems, due to my headline up top about “Good Folks, Good Reading,” and the inclusion herein of the word “ten.”

BUT, not to leave our valiant querist foundering on the shoals of ignorance, I hereby take this opportunity to render to him, and to you all, my very own Ten Rules for Good Communication With Your Wife!

1. First, Get a Wife. This is an essential first step in good communication with her, because it’s vanishingly difficult to have sound, open, loving, caring communication with a wife if you don’t have one. So get one. This usually involves a lot of careful courtship, in which the husband will refrain from scratching his crotch or belching, in order to make the prospective bride think he’s actually presentable in polite company.

2. Now that you have a wife, the Rules become necessary to follow closely, for she will now discover that you are a man, and that she has made a grave error in judgment by allowing you to live under the same roof with her. Failure to follow the Rules can result in death, or worse, punishing alimony payments. So, Rule #2 is to be sure you follow the Rules.

3. You Are Always Wrong. This is hard for many men to understand, because they have been led to believe that even a stopped clock is right at least twice a day. But that’s wrong, too. This has nothing to do with clocks, and how dare you say my butt looks big!

4. Beware the Non-Sequitur. Many men think that they are communicating quite well, rolling along happily, when suddenly they will find themselves dealing with a Situation. This Situation is usually related to being wrong all the time, and mostly due to Not Thinking Ahead. To whit: A wife will say, “What do you think about ‘x’?” (X being any subject.) The husband will grunt what he thinks is his answer, sometimes without pondering the possible alternatives for the reason the question was asked in the first place. The seemingly innocuous question is actually a hair-triggered booby trap (heh--booby trap. Ahem. Sorry.) intended to see if the husband is actually listening, or just answering questions. So, a question about, “What time is it?” can actually be, “Why does your mother hate me so much?” If you answer, “I don’t know, I can’t see the clock,” you will be simultaneously agreeing that your mother DOES hate your wife, and that you can’t see the clock because your wife’s butt is too big. Yes, you and I know that’s not what you meant, but you are wrong.

5. Understand that Good Communication is a Two-Way Street. This means that you are supposed to listen and agree, unless instructed otherwise.

6. Honesty, Honesty, Honest. Honesty is always the best policy, even if you have to lie about it.

7. Eye Contact. Communication requires visual interaction, which means you actually aren’t supposed to watch television or read a magazine while communicating, even if you are more or less paying attention to what is being said to you. Even though you might think that since you’re always wrong that it doesn’t matter whether or not you make eye contact, but you are wrong, it does. So, look at your wife when she’s communicating with you. When her mouth stops moving, you are to Think Ahead, then respond.

8. Communication Killers. Do not use Communication Killers when you are supposed to be communicating. Such things as former girlfriends, current girlfriends, future girlfriends, girls, women, and the killing of animals for food are all topics that should never be brought up, other than to remark about how icky they are. Also, be sure and make a face like you’re sick when you say stuff like that, because a large part of communication is non-verbal.

9. Non-Verbal Communication. (Also includes Non-Nounal Communication) This means the stuff you say with your body language. Yes, I realize you didn’t realize you were saying that you thought her best friend from college was a stupid moron simply by changing the channel on the television, but that’s exactly what it means. Unless it doesn’t. So just admit you’re wrong.

10. Humor as a Defense. This does not work. This is because men think the Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers and Benny Hill are funny, and women don’t. So don’t try to laugh off your use of a Conversation Killer or your Failure to Maintain Eye Contact by saying you were only joking.

We hope that these helpful rules will be of use to all you prospective husbands out there!

[*Obligatory Disclaimer: Neither Possumblog, the Possumblog Editorial Staff, nor the Possumindustries Board of Governors make any warranty, expressed or implied, as to the suitability or usability of the foregoing information. Swim at your own risk. Do not touch screen. You are wrong. Contains ketone, and methyl ethyl ketone.]
posted by Terry at 2:07:00 PM