What better way to start off Iron Bowl Week...

...than to cram yet another Weevil onto the team!

Several weeks back, the Admissions Office received an inquiry from one Lee P#@*&^ (not his real last name, by the way), who, having seen the newspaper article about the Cotton State Horseshoeing and Philosophical Society (known to many as the fearsome Axis of Weevil), wanted to know what all it took to join in.

Poor deranged fellow.

Seeing as how Chet the E-Mail Boy has been alternately lost in the wildernesses of both Illinois and Mississippi lately, it has taken no small amount of time to get Lee's membership application processed, but now it appears we have all the information required.

Lee's answers to the Registration Information follow for your bemusement:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

I was born in Alabama and have lived here for all of my 31 years.

I hate to tell you this Lee, but there's a newspaper over in England that thinks you am dum.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

I'm certainly not ashamed of #1, as verified by my blog's name.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

Maureen Dowd and Paul Krugman are two of my least favorite columnists. I think that qualifies me as anti-idiotarian.

Hmm. Well, I can agree on the second, but Maureen Dowd is one of the best around. Of course, I am a bit prejudiced, after she wrote about me in one of her articles: "Te...rry...O...gle...sb...y is one of the...handsomest...and best...writers...known to...all human...kind...and deserves to win...a...Pulitzer...for everything he has ever...written." That Mo's a real...sw...ee...tie...pie.

4) Functionally literate

I'm a little dysfunctional, but quite literate.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD

I'm more of an italicizer than a capitalizer.

And now, when our country cries out for a uniter and not a divider, we have a capitilizer. That might be good. I don't know.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

My blog generally gets updated every day, except maybe on weekends when I'm out of town, a little hung over, or both.

7) Willing to be made fun of

I like being made fun of. Especially if it gives me something to write about.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

People make fun of me so much that I don't even have to make fun of myself. I think I have referred to myself as a "big dork" at least once since I started my blog.

Well, you're only 31. Get yourself a bureaucratic job and wait about ten years, and you'll refer to yourself every day as a big dork. As will others.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

I don't have a framed picture of Mr. Browning, although I should be able to find one in the "America's First Freedom" magazine I receive every month from the NRA.

As a reminder, there is also one here.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

There are books on my desk, on my floor, in four bookcases, on my nightstand, on my dresser, and probably under my couch. I have a habit of reading a few chapters in one book, then putting it down for a few months while I do the same with a few new purchases from the bookstore. I rip off edges of newspaper pages for bookmarks.

And they say newspapers are dead!

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

I can't recite the Holy Grail (not a very good memory), but I have watched it within the last two months and own it on DVD. And, if I ever get in a bind, I have close friends know it from start to finish. Although I've watched quite a few episodes, Andy Griffith was a little before my time, so I'm afraid I may get a failing grade on that one.

Duly noted. Andy Griffith Boot Camp for you! Get your bullet.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

My Toyota Tacoma runs just fine...although to keep it that way, I desperately need to change the spark plugs.

Hope I meet the Axis of Weevil's high standards. Sounds like I'll be in fine company.

Lee

Well, you've already learned to suck up, which is a pretty handy skill.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, who among us could deny this fine American the right to embarrass himself along with the rest of us!

SO THEN, by the power vested in me by Ray, Jr. who works in the boiler room at the District Three Department of Transportation Maintenance Shop, it is with GREAT HIGH PLEASURE that we hereby INDUCT, INVEST, ACKNOWLEDGE, and INITIATE one Lee P. of A Bama Blog into the high and mighty Yellowhammer Invective and Barbecue Collective, with all of the horrible pain and suffering devolving thereto.

CONGRATULATIONS, Lee! As with all of our new inductees, you will be receiving your very own, World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing for your enjoyment a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your Tacoma, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

AND THAT’S NOT ALL--Jimmy (from next door, not Jimmy from Accounting) is well known for his artistic endeavors, which he uses as therapy for his “condition.” In honor of our newest member, Jimmy has decided to go back to his roots and paint a lovely portrait of deceased but not forgotten Crimson Tide Coach Paul "Bear" Bryant onto the large rock that fell onto poor Jimmy while he was looking for ginseng out in the woods last week. I know the final product will be lovely, although it might take a while for Jimmy to finish, since his condition seems to have taken a turn for the different.

In any case, welcome aboard, Lee!

NOW THEN--I mentioned it was Iron Bowl Week, but I really don't feel the same pep after hearing about the terrible incident suffered by the Tide this weekend. My heart goes out to the families of those poor young men. It seems a whole group of them were riding home when the pickup truck they were riding in careened off a bridge into the Warrior River, and the five young men in the bed of the truck succumbed to the watery depths when they couldn't get the tailgate down to get out.



Ahhhhh--it's an old one, but still a good one.
posted by Terry at 1:15:00 PM