Extending Alabama's Cultural Hegemony, One Blog at a Time

What could I have been thinking?!

Several months back, I found (via the comments section over at the Aardvark's burrow) someone whose blogging work I enjoyed immensely, and so added her onto my Rolodex.

We subsequently struck up a series of correspondences, including one in which my tastes in color was questioned. (I still believe Orange and Blue is perfectly reasonable, otherwise God would not have made the sky blue and the sunset orange, but that is for another time.) ANYway, this person mentioned in passing that she had attended the University of Alabama, yet for some reason--either through my blind rage, my well-known torpor, or more likely, my distraction in completing the coursework for my non compos mentis degree, I neglected to investigate this circumstance more fully and see if this blogger, one Jordana Adams of Curmudgeonry fame, was eligible for the vaunted Axis of Weevil.

THEN, just the other day, she mentioned again something about a particular parking lot in Tuscaloosa, and the alarm bell went off in my head that I had not been doing my part in insuring a sufficient number of members within the Cotton States Quilting and Recoil Society to allow an even number of people on the elephant polo team.

NOT WISHING TO ALLOW this opportunity to once again go by the wayside, I dashed off a note to Ms. Adams with the Onerous and Burdensome Rules of Admission, summoned Chet the E-Mail from his morning bowl of corn flakes, and tossed it to him so he could get to work tapping it out on his telegraph.

To my delight, Jordana wrote back swiftly with her application all filled out. Let's take a look, shall we?

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

I did time in Tuscaloosa and can even show the diploma.

Not at all necessary. (We wouldn't want to smudge the crayon, now would we?)

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

Not at all, my degree from Alabama is the only one I ever got a job with.

Well, there you go! Although I probably wouldn't put that on my resume.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

I try

4) Functionally literate

Usually

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

Only when marketing Vi@GrI!A at loow, low prices.

Far be it for me to keep you from using your degree from 'Bama...

6) Update your blog more than once a month

Unless the kids hog-tie me.

Just be sure to give them your user name and password so they can blog in your stead.

7) Willing to be made fun of

Well, yeah...

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

I usually don't have to try too hard.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

Oops, no framed pictures and no guns by him either.

You know, this is really getting to be a situation--I mean, I keep giving links to this nice picture of Mr. Browning, and you would think by now everyone would have it bookmarked! Anyway, all you need to do is click on it, print it out, put it in a nice frame (the Martha Stewart ones at K-Mart are very cheap right now, yet offer a wonderful sense of style and decor) and place it in a prominent place within your home.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

That's a definite. And somehow, despite already having more books than I will ever read, I manage to need new bookcases on a regular basis.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

I do pretty well on the first part and okay on the second most of the time (as long as we are both clear that the color Andy Griffiths don't count at all).

I'll ignore that you even felt you had to make that statement...

But what do you want to do with that North Carolinian anyway? :)

Because Gomer and Goober were both from Alabama in real life (and both of them have a stretch of road named after them, too!), and doggone it, Andy is just good people, even if he's not strictly from Alabama himself. Mayor Pike can go stuff himself, though.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

My pickup trucks all work very well. Of course, they all happen to run on rubber bands, but they go really fast when you pull them back hard enough and let them go -- that is until they hit a wall or roll off the table.

Do I get to drive the Pinto?

Hmm. Seems like it would be awful hard to haul rocks or firewood just using rubber bands, but I reckon they teach 'em stuff like that at UofA. And as for use of the company vehicle, that will be covered in your information package. You might not want to use it right now anyway, because the rear brake cylinder is leaking and it takes an awfully long time to stop.

ANYWAY, it seems that with only the slightest bit of invocation of Calvinball Rules, Jordana is quite suited for membership within the sacred and august assemblage of persons known as the Alabama Online Journal-Writing and Tole Painting Guild, aka The Axis of Weevil.

SO THEN, by the powers vested in me by Sonny, who works in the sign shop at the Talledega Correctional Institute, it is with GREAT HONOR that we hereby admit, inculcate, and otherwise abduct one JORDANA ADAMS into the fearsome assemblage known far and wide as the Axis of Weevil, with all the honors, powers, group discounts, and dressing room privileges due her. Amen.

Now, as you are all aware, new members each receive the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing: a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your teeny little rubber-band powered pickup truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

These are being loaded right now into Junior's car, which is what we're having to use while the Pinto's brakes are dodgy. His car is very nice and actually doesn't smell so bad when he remembers to get the orange-scented air freshener. He should be there sometime within the next couple of days or so, so you might want to go ahead and put out a cookie sheet or plastic drop cloth so he won't leak oil in your driveway.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Some of you have been so kind to ask about Jimmy (from next door, not from Accounting) and how his condition is doing. He seems to be somewhat better this month, especially after his mother let him have his space in the garage back. He is still upset about her taking away his magazines, but she said they were pure trash and she wasn't going to let them stay in her house OR garage, and that sorta made him upset. It didn't really aggravate his condtion any though, aside from that dizzy spell last Thursday, which he attributed to the dead squirrel he found under the tire.

ANYWAY, as you all know, Jimmy has an artistic streak that the lady at the center said was good for him to utilize, and in the past, he has made it a tradition of sorts to provide our new members with customized artwork for their office or trailer. Jimmy is quite excited about his newest artistic outlet, which consists of creating a lifesize, three-dimensional sculpture of the person's likeness entirely out of Chick-O-Sticks. He made a test one of Mama Cass, but the ants ate it, so he has taken to soaking the sticks in Raid before putting them together, so you can't eat it when you get it. But it will probably help his condition greatly.

He was very excited to hear that Jordana is going to be his first real project in this medium, but hasn't gotten started yet.

SO, all of you go welcome Jordana into the organization. Jordana, the supply cabinet key is under the desk, and you can park anywhere except in the space beside the dumpster, or in the space that's marked for the Employee of the Month (unless you are), and don't leave sandwiches in the refrigerator for very long or Tammi gets all mad and throws them out. Other than that, you're pretty much on your on.
posted by Terry at 12:54:00 PM