Once again, the mighty Axis of Weevil swallows up another unsuspecting victim...

I was just lounging around doing a bit of welding in my new kilt when Chet the E-Mail Boy very nearly caused me injury as he blasted in the door screaming at the top of his lungs. (He's not that loud, but he has a nasty, rather rattly wheeze.) Chet has been not the least bit busy lately and was greatly excited that a new message had come clicking across his keyset.

It was from Dougal Campbell (of the South Alabama Campbells) who, being now fully dug in to his surroundings, was casting about for inclusion into the Alabama Blog Writing and Monument Carving Association. He wrote:

So, what must one do to be considered a member of the Axis of Weevil? I live in Enterprise, home of the Boll Weevil Monument. Is that good enough? Or must I perform some depraved act of weevilness?

Well, Dougal (and the rest of you, too), the Axis is a fine and upstanding group of folks, and the idea that any of us would countenance any sort of depravity is beyond imagination.

When I was in college, I was once detained for questioning by the police regarding an incident involving goats...

Oh wait, was that TMI?

::thumbing through handy Internet Lingo book:: Three Mile Island? No. Temporomandibular Inflammation? No. Too Much Information? That's it!

But really when you think about it, not enough information! Look, around here, goat incidents and police questioning stemming therefrom aren't that uncommon. Just because you did the same things every other college student does is not necessarily evidence of the high creativity demanded by the rest of the team. And in any event, there ARE rules you know...

Anyhow, please enlighten me on weevil qualifications.

Oh. Okay.

So I quickly scribbled down a response to Dougal on Chet's pad of yellowing Western Union telegram forms and sent him back down to the basement to send them on their speedy electronic way.

I went back to work cleaning my cutting torch and not long Chet fell into the office with Dougal's response--

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

Check and check.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

I've always firmly maintained that the average person is an idiot.

Well, a lot of that depends on what the definition of "is" is, now isn't it?

4) Functionally literate

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

10-4

For the kids in the audience, "10-4" is the number we all used to use before we invented "24/7".

7) Willing to be made fun of

I didn't cry when you asked me not to bend over when I'm wearing a kilt.

I hope that's not some sort of oblique reference to The Crying Game. Anyway, men who wear skirts should never cry, no matter what.

How am I doing?

So far, very well. Just keep standing up straight and you should be fine.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Every day.

Well, there's no requirement for frequency, so as long as you're willing, it doesn't have to be every day. Don't want to tire yourself out.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

I have some signed copies of Cerebus the Aardvark. Does that count?

Did Cerebus invent the M-1911 pistol? NO! So your going to have to go here and cut you out a picture from your computer screen. (And why would you want an aardvark picture when you could have one of Jaka!?)

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read
I've read most of them, but I'm always buying more.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

I love the one where Opie tells John Cleese about the guy that walks around in the larch trees, and Barney keeps saying "Splunge!" over and over again.

Even better than the one in which Helen Crump is given a sound thrashing with a birch rod by Terry Gilliam.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

My wife drives an Explorer. Does that count?

I don't see why not--once you cut the roof off and take out them back seats, it'll haul just like a regular truck.

SO THEN, it looks like Dougal is MORE than well qualified for inclusion into our august group, so by the power vested in me by the 8 out of 9 members of the Alabama Supreme Court, it is with great passion and pride that we hereby grant unto one Dougal Campbell, writer of geek ramblings, full, complete, permanent, indelible, non-smearing membership in the The Cotton State Free Range Blog Society, also styled as the Axis of Weevil, with all of the benefits and promises of greatness falling thereto.

CONGRATULATIONS, Dougal, and as with all of our new members, you will receive your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your sweetie-pie's Explorer, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

As an added bonus, Jimmy (from next door, not Jimmy from Accounting) has once again branched out in his therapeutic line of handmade crafts--as you know, he has gone from Kool Sealing trailer roofs, to painting rocks, to handpainted stationery, but his newest line is the Ten Commandments lovingly engraved in a variety of clean-smelling and vigorous soaps for your bath.

All of these valuable gifts will be heading your way sometime within the next couple of days, although since Monday is a holiday, Lurdean is not wanting to have to go anywhere and make delivers. Anyway, we'll work it out somehow.

posted by Terry at 4:59:00 PM