Extending Alabama’s Cultural Hegemony, One Blog at a Time

The infestation continues! They’re coming out of the woodwork like, like…bugs that come out of woodwork! Your organophosphate-based pesticides such as Malathion are NO MATCH FOR US!!! BWWWahahahaHHAHAHHAHAHA!

Ahem. Pardon me.

Anyway, yesterday a nice young fellow came to the front door and rang the buzzer here at the spacious and palatial Axis of Weevil World Headquarters. Thinking he was one of those college kids selling magazines, I at first was merely going to turn the garden hose on him and run him off, but fortunately I had the restraint to first find out his business, and I’m glad I did! It seems he had walked all the way from Prattville, Alabama (site of one of my fondest recollections—late night, on the road, Waffle House, coffee, a chatty young waitress…but I digress) to apply for membership in the Cotton State Journal Club!

I invited him in and sent him to the interrogation room (which is usually where we store the mop) and asked him if he was sure he knew what he was asking—after all, some do not fully appreciate Groucho Marx's suspicion of not wanting to be a member of club that would have him as a member. He assured me that he was eager to join, despite the expected jeers and taunts of lesser souls, so I slid an application and a pencil under the door--

The primary qualifications are these:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama

Born in? No
Now live in? Yes
once lived in? More than once
would like to live in? Get back to me after September 9th

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1

I confess

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

I'm an expert pretender

Which, of course, calls for an obligatory link to musical lyrics.

4) Functionally literate

What is the precise definition of functionally?

You must be able to know what the definition of “is” is.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

i DON'T kNoW wHaT yOu'RE TALKING ABOUT

DON’T GET CUTE, FUNNY BOY!!

6) Update your blog more than once a month

I pledge to update every day I can get to a computer

7) Willing to be made fun of

Just ask my family, friends and co-workers, happens all the time

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Just read my blog, happens all the time

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

http://www.m1911.org/images/jmbrown.jpg

Can I hang it upside down?

Hmm. This was very, VERY troubling…does this guy have something against Mormons? Inventors? Machinists? Gu…no, silly me, he can’t have something against guns—they’re just inanimate objects, after all. Then I figured it out!! Clever Kristopher—he’s obviously well aware of one of the subtle genius of Browning as witnessed in the M-1911 feed system.

As you all know, the 1911 uses a “controlled round feed”, i.e. the cartridge is at all times secured within the action—by the feed lips of the magazine, by the breechface and the extractor, or by the chamber. At no time is the cartridge allowed to “float”, or have to transverse any length of the distance between the magazine and the chamber, in which the cartridge is not firmly held. Some semiauto designs require that the cartridge jump a short distance to the feed ramp while not fully in contact with the extractor, which can lead to jamming if the pistol is jostled during the feed cycle, or if it is held any position other than right-side-up and level. The Browning controlled round feed cycle as found in the M-1911 and variants, however, allows the pistol to be held in any position during the firing and cycling sequence, EVEN UPSIDE DOWN, and continue to function normally. This can be very useful in military situations in which a soldier is not able to get into a standard stance, or when filming various John Woo action movies.

SO, as a fitting and clever homage to the genius of John Moses Browning, the picture may be installed as proposed.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Check...have four backed up on my nightstand at the moment and gave up on John Adams a month back.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

My life story can be told using the dialogue from Holy Grail (you can draw your own conclusions) I've got Holy Grail covered, but I'll have to brush up on Andy.

Well, can’t we all. I recommend that you purchase the entire show on video in order to assist in this effort. They are available in the World Headquarters Gift Shop, and right now they are running a special where you can get an autographed rock from Howard Morris which was actually used in filming one of the various Earnest T. Bass episodes. These come in a lovely collector-quality Zip-Lock plastic bag and are accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity printed using a genuine laser printer.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

No pickup yet, but I've been living here long enough to have a hankerin' for a big diesel

Well, who doesn’t have a hankering for a nice F-350 with a Power Stroke! And they don’t need a can of ether, either!

Well, looking over the application, it’s obvious that Kristopher is rather hopelessly well-qualified for admission, and since he did not attend the University of Alabama, I get to claim him as a fellow Auburn fan! (Not that Purdue is bad or anything—they do have cheerleaders, after all)

SO THEN BE IT ORDAINED, by the power vested in my by Kelly the Bunny, who just last night was seen hopping through my backyard, that one Kristopher Vilamaa is hereby inducted into the powerful and mighty Alabama Society of Theater Arts and Carburetor Repair, otherwise known to the world as the Axis of Weevil, with all of the misery and woe descending thereto.

Welcome to the krewe, Kris, and as with all new members, you will shortly be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your soon-to-be-delivered pickup truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale. AND THAT’S NOT ALL—Just this morning we received a valuable package of coupons in the mail which are worth over $15!! You are welcome to ALL OF THEM! (Except for the one for free starch at Dale’s Laundry—that one’s mine And the one for the free cuticle trim at Kim’s Nail House.)

So, everyone go be nice and say hey!
posted by Terry at 10:26:00 AM