You know, millions of people ask the same question every day...

"Why is it, Mr. Possum, that the fearsome and highly agitatible Alabama Sunflower Fanciers and Reloading Guild (better known as the Axis of Weevil), only has thirty-eight members?"

Well, it's like this, Millions of People--the standards for admission to the organization are so incredibly high, so tough, so obdurate, so (hold on ::flip flip::), so unyeilding, so exacting, so harsh, so stringent--that of the teeming swarms of life forms who write their own blog, only thirty-eight have been able to be brain-washe...convinced that being in such a group was worthwhile.

BUT, every once in a while, some guileless, unsuspecting writer will come along--maybe even all the way to Birmingham, where he is buying a house, and having sushi with sugarmama, and provoking Acidman to link to him so folks will leave comments, and trying to wear corrective ophthalmological devices--maybe someone just like that will come along, and when I send him an e-mail inquiring of his interest in joining the AoW and maybe buying some magazine subscriptions so I can go on a trip with my noseflute ensemble to Anaheim, that this individual knows no better than to answer--such is the case with young Rich Miller, recent transplant from the Old Dominion, to whom I sent via Chet the E-Mail Boy, the following note:

Hi Rich,

Fellow Birminghamian checking in here, [Top Secret portion redacted in order to maintain operational security] since you are now firmly ensconced here in the Great State of Anxiety and Barbecue, and since it seems you hang with some mighty nice company, I was wondering if you might be interested in being ceremonially inducted into the world-famous Axis of Weevil.

As Chet stood by waiting patiently, Rich answered in the affirmative, filled out the application, slipped Chet a quarter, and sent him on his way with the all important package of information, which we reproduce below for your perusal and for your use in later attempts at blackmail:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

*** Check. Am in the process of buying a house.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

*** Hell, I was born in California and was once married to a New Jersey girl; what's left to be ashamed of?

Visitors from the Garden and the Golden States are reminded that HE said it, not me. My agreement with the sentiment expressed should mean nothing to you.

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

*** I'm a good pretender. I come from a long line of Prussians who do NOT suffer fools gladly.

4) Functionally literate

*** I try to let others be the judge, but I types pretty good.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

*** I am a proper-case Nazi.

Must be the Prussian thing...

6) Update your blog more than once a month

*** The figures don't lie.

7) Willing to be made fun of

*** Willingness has nothing to do with it, evidently. :-)

You learn quickly, young Skywalker.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

*** Moi?

Oui, vous! Now quit all that French jibber-jabber before you are overrun by Prussians!

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

*** .50-cal sa-LUTE!

Remember folks, when the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

*** Check. I have several boxes that I'm likely to get sued for asking the movers to heft, due to their excessive book content.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

*** Whistles the riff from "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" while carrying his fishin' pole (never baited) into Mayberry.

Bloody showoff...

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

*** The one qualification I do not have, though pick-up lines I have a-plenty (courtesy Google et al.)

"Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

"Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya."

"Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be."

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, be good to your waitress...

Oooh, you're going to be a handful at the company picnic.

SO THEN, having demonstrated a firm grasp of grammar, logic, rhetoric, arithmetic, music, geometry, and astronomy, it is with great pride. and by the powers granted us by the producers of the popular Telemundo novela "Ladrón de Corazones", that we, the Yellowhammer Yard Sale and Blogging Club do hereby welcome and induct one Rich "Brain Squeezings" Miller as the 39th Member of the Axis of Weevil, with all of the magical superhero powers and group discounts pertaining thereto.

As with all new members of the Axis of Weevil, Rich will be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for his nonexistent pickup truck that he better be finding real quick so as to more better fit in, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

In addition to these wonderful items, Rich will receive one of our friend Jimmy's (the guy from next door) painted rocks to place at the end of his new driveway. Jimmy, whose condition is somewhat better, thank you for asking, has branched out in his rock-painting business, and is now doing celebrity likenesses--he says the favorites so far are Shania Twain, Jesus, and his brother Todd.

Rich, be sure to stop by Louise's office in Personnel to get your identification card made and let her know if you will be cheering for Alabama or Auburn (these are the only two choices, and you better get used to it RIGHT now). Also, please remember as you drive around your new home here in Birmingham that using turn signals identifies you as a interfering, obnoxious, Hilary Clinton-loving, outsider.

So, go see Rich right now and let him know you love him in that special way!
posted by Terry at 10:21:00 AM