::sigh::

Now this was just soooo predictable:

Dear Possumblog Editor,

I take exception to you placing the words "swimsuit" and "National Geographic" in the same post. Your insensitivity to those who are not able to afford both swimsuits and subscriptions to NG is appalling. Even more appalling is your lack of concern for those who do not have the bodies for either swimsuits or NG. Besides, I have always wanted to write an ignorant letter to an editor, but haven't been willing to put my name out there on a missive and have the whole world see just how utterly stupid I really am.

Wait, this letter is not going the way I planned. Please disregard the next to last sentence.

You and your whole insensitive staff should be required to attend some kind of training although I am not sure what. Please cancel my subscription and I hope all you [sic] advertisers withdraw their support and you end up writing for free.

Yours in Ignorance,

LA

The Editorial Board of Possumblog and its writing staff welcome public comment of any sort, even when written with a dull, wax crayon. We remain, as always, sensitive to those who may be offended by the word "swimsuit" when used in any context, as well as to those with large, flabby, hairy, backs who do not look good in a Spandex Speedo, and as well as those who find their meager paychecks are insufficient to purchase small, expensive, pieces of naughty-part-covering cloth goods. We also firmly believe no publication is more sensitive to the congenitally stupid than we.

In this instance, we have reviewed the commentary by our writer and have concluded that he deliberately set about to create conflict and purposely offend stupid people, and not necessarily poor, ugly people. We also concluded that the writer of the piece did so using previously published letters of the alphabet, and complete words, without proper attribution of their source.

In light of these egregious errors and deviations from editorial policy, it is with no small regret that the Editorial Board has placed the writer of the piece on suspension for a period of at least five minutes, during which time he will be required to sit quietly. Further, the entire staff of Possumblog will be required to attend a series of training seminars on improvised munitions, riflery, effective interpersonal relationships, and wilderness survival skills.

Although we regret the decision of the subscriber to cancel his subscription, we do remind him that we have already spent the entirety of his money on the Diet Coke we purchased out of the soda machine earlier in the day, therefore no refund will be forthcoming.

We would also like to express our deep, abiding sorrow to each of our advertisers for this embarrassment, but seeing as how no one will advertise with us (except Gallagher), we have decided not to worry about it.

Thank you, and may you continue to read in good health.

The Editors

UPDATE FROM LA:

I see that you have decided to send your staff to weapons training. Just how big is your staff.

Apparently not big enough, because I get spam every day that guarantees a way to make it larger without expensive surgery. In any event, the staff at Possumblog currently numbers approximately 3,208--sometime more, sometimes less depending on how heavily sedated I am.

I know about Chet the email boy, but do you have others?

No. There is only one Chet the E-Mail Boy. More than one would be very confusing.

Just how many stringers do you have? Can you explain why news reporters need little pieces of fishing line normally used to hold your catch and exactly how they contribute to a story?

An excellent question! (finally) In our business, a "stringer" is not only something that you use to hold your just-caught piscinalia, but it also describes unacknowledged contributors to various stories. The name "stringer" comes from the time in Elizabethan England when they were paid with bits of string (or "stringe" in the parlance of the times). In today's modern electronic newsroom, this is no longer true, as they are now paid nothing.

Just as I thought, not only does Possumblog slander Blogger, but you can't answer the most basic questions.

Not to disagree, but basic questions are the ones we do best at! As for Blogger, our playful banter at the expense of our fine software provider is intended entirely in a comedic vein. Hopefully the jugular.

I hope you enjoyed the Diet Coke!

Indeed I did! A May 27, 2003 vintage from the Birmingham region, it had a wonderful, foamy nose upon opening, with flinty whiffs of burnt caramel, mop water, and a hint of dry leather work gloves. In the glass, it exhibited the arthritic legs for which it has been so rightly praised, and a deep, foamy murkiness that masked some of the subtle complexity of the escaping gas bubbles. Served chilled to 34 degrees Fahrenheit, it had a biting insolence upon tasting (as is the case with some non-sugared carbonated cola beverages), and no small amount of mockery. In the mouth, it had the characteristic burning tartness of highly refined phenylketonurics and phosphoric acid loved by true connoisseurs, with a perturbed and reedy feel.

Upon completion of the full twelve ounces, the characteristic diurectic effect kicked in, causing a terrifying sprint to the men's room.
posted by Terry at 1:47:00 PM