As some of you know...

...I have a GeoCities site that I began a while ago B.B. (Before Blogger)--it has some stories about my dad's Navy service, and some links, and some silly stories similar to what I now pump out here. One of those stories is a recap of some letters my oldest daughter wrote to the Tooth Fairy a couple of years back. Little did she know that the Tooth Fairy has her own Yahoo e-mail acccount! Oldest wrote a flurry of letters back and forth to the Tooth Fairy (whose actual name is Ariaad Branwen Clyym de Arianrhod, by the way) and she was regaled with tales of Middle Earth and the exciting and profitable world of dental exchange. (It's not Multi-Level Marketing! It's not Illegal! And you can retire within 5 YEARS!!) Her excitement dimmed a bit when she told some kids at school about her experience, and I think she figured out from their reaction that something was amiss and after a couple more letters, she stopped. (Silly brats.)

Anyway, I...I mean, Ariaad has kept the account open since then, and over the past year or two, the account has received a couple of messages--hard to tell if they were from actual kids or older folks being silly, but I...dang it, SHE answered them anyway. There was one letter from an older kid in Australia who acted a bit snotty, but the others have been generally benign.

Until today. Because today, the e-mail account belonging to Mistress Ariaad Branwen Clyym de Arianrhod, Warrior of Caer Ibormeith, Gatekeeper of Dara, The Original Tooth Fairy, received the following:

FROM:MRS.MARIAM ABACHA

ATTN:

I AM MRS. MARIAM ABACHA, THE WIDOW OF THE LATE GEN.SANNI ABACHA FORMER NIGERIAN MILITARY HEAD OF STATE WHO DIED MYSTERIOUSLY AS RESULT OF CARDIAC ARREST.

I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM THE BRITISH CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRY, WHERE YOU WERE RECOMMENDED AS A TRUSTWORTHY PERSON.

SINCE AFTER MY HUSBAND DEATH MY FAMILY IS UNDER RESTRICTION OF MOVEMENT AND THAT NOT WITHSTANDING, WE ARE BEING MOLESTED, POLICED AND OUR BANK ACCOUNT BOTH HERE AND ABROAD ARE BEING FROZEN BY NIGERIAN CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT.FURTHERMORE,MY ELDER SON IS STILL BEING DETENTED BY THE NIGERIAN CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT FOR INTERROGATION ABOUT MY HUSBAND's ASSET AND SOME VITAL DOCUMENTS.

FOLLOWING THE RECENT DISCOVERY OF MY HUSBANDS BANK ACCOUNT BY THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT WITH SWISS BANK IN WHICH THE HUGE SUM OF $700,000,000(SEVEN HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS)WHICH WAS SECRECTLY DEFACED AND CEALED IN TWO METAL BOXES FOR SECURITY REASONS.

I THEREFORE PERSONALLY,APPEAL TO YOU SERIUOSLY AND RELIGIOUSLY FOR URGENT ASSISTANCE TO MOVE THE SUM OF $10,000,000,00 INTO YOUR COUNTRY WHERE I BELIEVE IT WILL BE SAFE SINCE I CANNOT LEAVE THE COUNTRY,DUE TO THE RESTRICTION OF MOVEMENT IMPOSED ON THE MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY BY THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT.

ALL ARRANGE TO MEET YOU IN PERSON OUTSIDE NIGERIA, IN ORDER TO LIASE WITH YOU TOWARDS EFFECTIVE COMPLETION OF THIS TRANSACTION.

HOWEVER,ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN PUT IN PLACE TO MOVE THIS MONEY OUT OF THE COUNTRY,EITHER TO EUROPE OR AFRICA IN A SECRET VAULT THROUGH A SECURITY COMPANY HERE IN NIGERIA WHICH HAS AFFILIATE OFFICES IN EUROPE AND AFRICA,AND AS SOON AS YOU INDICATE YOUR INTEREST, MY LAWYER SHALL SEND YOU THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE LUGGAGE AND OTHER RELATED DOCUMENTS, SO THAT YOU CAN HELP CLAIM THE LUGGAGE.

CONCLUSIVELY,WE HAVE AGREED TO OFFER YOU 20%(TWENTY PERCENT) OF THE TOTAL SUM WHILE 70%(SEVENTY PERCENT)IS TO BE HELD ON TRUST BY YOU,UNTIL WE CAN DECIDE ON A SUITABLE BUSINESS INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY,AND 10%(TEN PERCENT)FOR ALL INCEDENTAL EXPENCES,SUBSEQUENT TO OUR FREE MOVEMENT BY THE NIGERIAN GOVERNMENT.

PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY AND TREAT WITH ABSOLUTE CONFIDENTIALITY AND SINCERITY .

YOU SHOULD NOTE THAT EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED YOU SHOULD NOT LET OUT THIS PROPOSAL TO ANYONE
WHOSOEVER.

BEST REGARDS,

HAJIA(MRS)MARIAM ABACHA

Can there be anything sweeter than a Nigerian e-mail scammer sending something to THE TOOTH FAIRY!? Why yes, there can--a reply FROM the Tooth Fairy! Having pushed Mrs. Hanji Sal to the brink of sanity, it is now time to let loose the Wee Folk upon the Abacha family!

Here is my reply:

Dear Mrs. Abacha:

Although I appreciate the attention you intend to shower upon me, perhaps you should first note the address of the e-mail account to which you have sent your missive. As you can see, it is original_tooth_fairy@yahoo.com. My name is Mistress Ariaad Branwen Clyym de Arianrhod, and I am a collector fairy, specializing in human dentition. Although I travel widely, I find it difficult to believe that you received my name from anything called the "British Chambers of Commerce and Industry"--first, because nothing like that exists either in the Human World or in Middle Earth, and second, because even if it did, I don't believe they would have much credibility if they handed out the name of the Tooth Fairy as a business contact. For the record, I live beyond the human realm, in Distal Ossea along the Sagittal Plain, and do not enter the human world except under cover of night. (This does cut down on my social life, but it does allow me to move more freely, which is something with which I'm sure you can relate.)

As for your family story, it is incredible, to say the least. Despite the fact that we fairy folk are often reputed to have a very passive outlook, I am frankly shocked that the lot of you weren't shot and strung up from a lamppost. That seems to be a very popular way for you humans to deal with dictators, and one which also works well on orks and trolls.

But then again, maybe I have misread your plight, and am willing to offer what help I can.

Tonight, please place one of your teeth under your pillow, and in the morning, I will have replaced it with US$10,000,000 (Ten Million United States Dollars.)

Good evening, and sweet dreams,
Mistress Ariaad Branwen Clyym de Arianrhod

(P.S. Although I make no pretension to knowing all the ways of human etiquette, I am savvy enough of your ways to request that in the future you NOT TYPE IN ALL CAPS. Doing so indicates that you are shouting, and it hurts my ears. Second, there are so many other Nigerian letter writers such as yourself out on the Internet, don't you think that maybe you could find a copy of a letter that wasn't full of spelling and grammatical errors? Although they would be considered minor trifles for someone who is unschooled, such a lack of skill in composition from a lady claiming to be the wife of a former head of state borders on the comic, don't you think?)

Well, now, let's see what happens...
posted by Terry at 3:24:00 PM