High Maintenance, Indeed!

When Acidman got hisself inducted into the Heart of Dixie Writing and Bread Making Club, he suggested to one of his regular readers, a young woman who goes by the name “sugarmama” that she should ask to get on board the Weevil Wagon. She sent me an exploratory message saying just about what you read above, and included a link to her blog.

Well, I skipped over there, and see that she is a longtime resident of Homewood, which is on the downwind side of Vulcan’s cast iron gluteus, and had all sort of other stuff that would generally lead one to think that she was right on target with the very tough and stringent Membership Requirements. Except.

I felt compelled to write her back the following:

Now, this is going to hurt, but I have a weird personal tic that makes me look at all-lower-case blogs and run screaming around like a madman--in fact one of the rules is that you have to use the proper mix of capitals and miniscules.

SO, in order to get in, you are gonna have to tell a big whopping lie and say from here on out you intend to not write like ee cummings. Remember, there is an Axis of Weevil Gift Pack in it for you if you say it just right!

Little did I suspect that poor sugarmama was sorely afflicted with a workplace-induced disability; until, that is, I got her reply--

i write java at work all day, which requires meticulous case sensitivity. i get a paycheck for that. otherwise i prefer to take a break from the shift key.

i have a hard time telling lies as well.

Good grief, this is turning out to be harder than I thought. In a further exchange of e-mails (including one in which she had a neighbor come in and press the shift key for her), I found further qualifications that needed some work—not being fully in tune with the Andy Griffith Show, not having a picture of Utah’s Gift To Mankind, and having to drive around in a vehicle that will require modification in order to be acceptable—namely that she will have to convert her hoopty into a pickup by ripping off the roof and trunk lid. So many...difficulties...yet, where there is a will, there is a Weevil.

Maybe it would do us all well to take another look at her blog...

Hmmm, wait a minute--what’s that over on the left side? Well, as all of you can see, she has posted a picture of her torso! According to Unwritten Membership Rule #13 (the Calvinball Rules clause), young, physically fit, female women girls who live in Homewood and have torso photographs posted upon their blogs cannot be denied access to the Clubhouse! (sugarmama should, however, also remember that such extraordinary effort to walk the intake paperwork through the various departments {especially by Tyrell in Human Resources, who is a real stickler for paperwork} will require that said blogger must not ever, EVER complain when it is her turn to mow the yard of the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters, even if the tractor is not working and she has to use the push mower.)

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

Yes, it’s yet ANOTHER high maintenance applicant.

This time, it’s a he, Andrew Solovay of King Troll (which means that if he posts anything REMOTELY resembling a photo of his torso, he will be summarily drummed out of the Alabama Chamber Music and Reloading Society). Anyway, on to his application, which is interspersed with my responses to him--

Subject: Re: Axis of Weevils—I Don’t Got What it Takes

I was born in New York, grew up in Berkeley, went to school in Connecticut, and now live in Silicon Valley. I've dated two southerners, but neither was from Alabama.

Andrew, Andrew, Andrew--if something is worth doing, it's worth doing in the time-honored way of inventive Americans--figuring out a way around the problem! These girls could probably find Alabama on a map, right? Well then, that should count for something.

I drive a Toyota Camry.

But if you took a Sawzall and cut out the back half of the roof and took off the trunk lid, don't you think you would have something that would pass? Of course you would!

I *do*, on the other hand, sing "Sweet Home Alabama" at parties, no matter how inappropriate that might be.

What exactly do you mean "inappropriate"? Like the National Anthem, there is no bad time to sing S.H.A.

Any chance of your starting an "Axis of Weevils: Yankees' Auxiliary"?

No. As I said, the proper way to do this is work on you a bit so that you fit the qualifications--we don't got no second class citizens or honoraries or auxiliaries. Much like the knights of Camelot...

"In war we're tough and able,
Quite inde-fati-gable.
Between our quests, we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in Camelot."

Just for form's sake, here are my answers to the qualification questions:

1. Never even been to Alabama. Liked "My Cousin Vinny", though. I could see living there if I had air conditioning. Serious air conditioning.

Well, there you go Andrew! You have said you would like to live in Alabama! That's the very hardest part! As for the air conditioning--how do you think the rest of us stay here!? What a silly yute.

2. N/A, I guess.

Not anymore it's not! Tell everyone you would LOVE to live in Alabama! We have mountains, and rivers, and beautiful white sand beaches, and friendly people, and women who shave their legs and armpits and wear makeup to go to the grocery store.

3. Listen, buddy. It's easy being an American in Alabama. I'm an American on the San Francisco peninsula. That takes some *effort*! So, yeah.

You have our profound admiration. Keep up the good fight!

4. Yup, I can make my way around a book.

Good, good...

5. Well, except when I have to play the l33t|-|4><0R W00T, I'm good.

Well, don't let this shock you, but we have another member coming online today whose blog actually is in all lower case. I [love looking at it] every time I see it, but she does have a valid excuse and she [posted a picture of her tummy].

6. It sometimes comes down to once a month, but hasn't dropped below that. But I've got an RSS feed, so it's easy to know when I've added stuff.

Check... [Of course, a belt feed is nice because you can see how much more you can shoot just by looking in the ammo can]

7. Willing? I insist on it!

Check...

8. Not a problem.

Check...

9. I may be in trouble. My only gun's a .22, and it's got a kraut name. But I'm prepared to upgrade.

Check...

10. Yeah, and I'm adding to it all the time.

Check...

11. Score me 50%. I'm good on Python ("It's people like you what cause unrest!"), I've never seen an episode of Andy Griffith.

Man, what is it with people! Well, get you the DVD collection, and get to work. Concentrate on the b&w episodes done prior to the departure of Barney. The color episodes stink, as do the b&w episodes with Jack Burns. "Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. Huh? YES, WARREN!"

12. Like I said, I drive a Camry. It's covered with mud, though.

And soon to be much more handy with your homemade pickup bed in back!

So, see? Once again, a potential membership crisis is narrowly avoided by the judicious use of cunning and wiles and diplomacy and bacon grease and a transistor and three rubber bands and...never mind. In any event, we have managed to turn a Camry driving, small-bore shooting, non-Mayberryite, YANKEE into someone truly worthy to wear the Axis of Weevil Lapel Pin and Club Tie set!

BUT WAIT! THERE IS YET STILL MORE TO BE DONE HERE!! Another of our fine “Good Folks, Good Reading” bloggers from up in the top part of the header, B. Indigo at Indigo’s Insights sends in the following Change in Status Application:

You once invited me into the Axis of Weevil, but I declined because I thought I was not worthy. Although I am a fanatic member of GRITS, eligible for Daughters of the Confederacy and DAR, I had never had direct contact with Alabama. Bear Bryant and Chuck Myguts excepted, of course.

Now that the bar is being lowered to accept anyone into the Axis who ever even FLEW OVER ALABAMA IN A PLANE, I would like to retract my previous abnegation.

Now cut that out! We have very stringent requirements, including that one about wanting to live in Alabama and not being ashamed to admit it!

I take from B.’s change of heart, though, that such a scenario, i.e., living in the greatest state in the Union, is something that she would absolutely LOVE to do, even at a MOMENT’S notice, and therefore constitutes fulfillment of said requirement.

Nobody gets around ANY rules--it's just all in how you make them work that counts!

SO THEN, it is with great exhaustion at having had to pound these obstinately square pegs into Weevil holes, and under the authority of the Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of the Alabama Commission on Internet Usage and Abuse, that we, the Cotton State Web Log Writer’s Consortium (With Signs and Wonders Following) do hereby bestow upon sugarmama, Andrew Solovay, and B. Indigo full, complete, and absolute membership within the Axis of Weevil, with all the discomfiture, runny nose, carpal tunnel syndrome, and maudlin fascination pertaining thereto.

Congratulations to each of you! Remember, though, as Uncle Ben told Peter—“With great power comes great responsibility.” Be sure and park where you’re told—Lonnie is especially covetous of his spot. And leave Bobby Neal’s pencil cup where it is. And don’t leave the coffee pot on the warmer when it’s empty. The Royal Cup guy is giving us fits because SOMEBODY keeps leaving the empties up there and burning them up. And the refrigerator is NOT the place to leave urine specimens.

Now then, as with all new members, each of you will be receiving your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Packs, consisting of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for everyone’s “pickup truck”; a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale. In addition, we all remember that Jimmy from next door has returned to help out by providing our new inductees with one of his very nice painted rocks. Oh, and sugarmama suggested that if we get any applicants who have not yet lived in Alabama, but say they would like to, they should also get a coupon for a Free Psychological Examination.

Grand idea!

Of course, they will have to see the company doctor, so as soon as his malpractice trial is finished (and any time served), I know he will be glad to help out!
posted by Terry at 3:43:00 PM