From the Inbox

No, my real inbox that has real paper in it.

YOU KNOW, one of the nice things about working with a bunch of bureaucrats (aside from the obvious) is that they never cease to come up with new things to cement their place in the philosophical food chain, to wit, this fascinating memorandum from our Occupational Health and Safety Division (which I didn’t even know we had), entitled “Incident Reporting”:

Employees: An incident is similar to an accident except that it does not necessarily result in injury or damage. No matter how trivial they are, incidents should be reported just as accidents are. You have the responsibility to report all incidents that are recognized as potential hazards. If you don’t take the time to report incidents that you are involved in, they could later result in a disabling injury or fatality for you or your fellow employee.

Yikes! What a pile of scary, yet decidedly non-specific, throwing together of rivets and boilerplate! Of course, there is nothing to indicate the definition of “accident,” or how similar to an accident an incident must be to rise to the level of an incident, except the stern warning that nothing is too trivial to report—WHEW!!—that last tap on the space bar caused my thumb to slide off the key and onto the EDGE OF MY DESK, which must be pointed out, COULD HAVE HAD A SPLINTER! I must report this—but I just touched the edge of the paper and I came THIS CLOSE to getting a PAPER CUT! AAAAAGGGGGHHHH! And then there is that pack of STAPLES! And when I reached in my desk, my finger grazed the end of the STAPLE PULLER!! (Have you seen the prongs on those things!?!?) Let’s not even discuss LETTER OPENERS!!

It also tells me I’m supposed to report incidents I am involved in—but what if I see someone opening a box with a pair of scissors, AND THEY DROP THEM!!! Why, they could have lost a TOE over that! Surely, in the interest of workplace safety, I should report that, too, right?

Like a finely-tuned anvil, thus works the machinery of government.
posted by Terry at 11:07:00 AM