And the birth of the Axis of Weevil was on this wise...

1. Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a declaration of those things which are most surely believed among us,

2. Even as they delivered them unto us, which from the beginning were eyewitnesses, and ministers of the Axis of Weevil;

3. It seemed good to me also, having had perfect understanding of all things from the very first, to write unto thee in order, most excellent Blogophilus,

4. That thou mightest know the certainty of those things, wherein thou hast been instructed.

5. In the year of our Lord, 2002, (as man reckons time), in the second month, and upon the 24th day (and reminding you, dear Blogophilus, that Blogger will occasionally force you to scroll down to the post in question), there was a certain man who, having sojourned in the land of Blogistan,

6. Began to search out others who, kindred with him, also spoke words through the use of their fingers on the board of keys.

7. And lo, he found two, and saith these words upon his blog:

8. "What's that I hear? A growing storm? A frightening nexus of quivering electronic malcontentedness? A terrible Axis of (Boll) Weevil?

9. "Nah, just some fellow Alabama bloggers I have come across doing a little vanity surfing on Google."

10. "Since he proclaims himself a War Liberal, I never took the time to look over Mac Thomason's work, because I thought it would be full of all sorts of club kids hanging around smoking clove cigarettes and big hairy women and lots of people carrying signs saying "Hooray For Our Side." But due to my unfortunate habit of attributing negative stereotypes to anything using the L-word, I missed out on some good stuff from a fellow who's not quite such a pinko commie wussie as the title would imply! Mr. Thomason works down in Northport and has a secret life I dare not expose. My thanks to him for putting a link on his site--although the fact that he thinks that I might be more representative of the state than he sorta frightens me."

11. "Mr. Thomason also let me in on another blogger with ties to our fair state, Elizabeth Spiers of Capital Influx. Ms. Spiers now lives in the East Village, New York, New York (where you can get anything you want 24 hours a day except good biscuits and cornbread) and has a nice, errr, glow about her. Chernobyl you say? I suggested that we rescue her, but she has apparently been overcome with Stockholm Syndrome and actually LIKES it there. Oh, well, at least she's part of the Tim Blair Army."

12. "Anyone else out there blogging their heart out in the Heart of Dixie? I know there must be--send me a note. I'd love to hear from you. Really. No, I'm not just saying that--why do you think I would just say that?"

13. And the world smiled upon them, and they likewise went forth, and found that they were not alone, yea, verily, the provinces of Blogistan teemed with the seed of Alabama, unto the far reaches of the lands.

14. And they grew in number and in wisdom, and it seemed to the blogger, Terry, which was surnamed Oglesby, and which wrote the blog of Possum,

15. That there must needs be benefits, and prizes, and inducements, and gifts freely given to those whom were to be welcomed into the fold,

16. And that the joys of those who could be brought into this assembly, (which was first called, and shall ever be, the Axis of Weevil), didst require no small amount of discernment, and discrimination, so as to keep it pure from the leaven of the Pharisees,

17. So in the third month, upon the 15th day (and as men reckon, the Ides of March), upon the addition of one Charles, surnamed Austin, gifts of great value were bestowed upon him, as it was written;

18. "Axis of Weevil Growing--Soon We'll Have Our Own Currency and Inneffectual Military Establishment Mac Thomason, War Liberal, forwarded me yet another candidate for inclusion in the Dixie Blog League, the Sine Qua Non Pundit Charles Austin. Mac relates that Mr. Austin sojourned in our fair state for a few years way back in the 1990s, although he is now stationed in Saint Louis, Em Oh. (Not Tennessee, as I had earlier thought--which means much excitement for Austin.)"

19. "I contacted Charles last night and asked if he would consider being associated with us Cotton Staters and he agreed. I am still anxiously awaiting the details of his time spent here, but in the meantime, we will be sending Charles his Axis of Weevil Gift Pack of Dreamland ribs; Jim Dandy grits; a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for his pickup; a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); and a coupon for free underpinning for his trailer."

20. "One gift we usually include for people outside the South is a package of four comely, busty co-eds who shave their legs and wear makeup--this was a special addition for Dr. Weevil who lives in Maine where such things are not common. UPDATE: I originally reported that The Sine Qua Non Pundit was still in the South, and that he may choose to decline this portion of the package to allow it to be sent to a more needy member of the diaspora. HOWEVER now that I have been corrected by the man from the Show Me State, I know his severe plight and will send them that way immediately. Returning now to the original text of this post, we understand that the inclusion of this item may lead to some consternation among our potential female members: we ask you not to worry--you may substitute a four-pack taken from any men's college gymnastics team in the state. (Sorry, due to state law, we are unable to provide mixed-sex packages, or packages the same sex as the recipient.)"

21. And there was much rejoicing.

22. And it was also fulfilled that there should be rules, and coming down from the heights, with his face aglow liken unto a tube for the projecting of cathode rays, Terry didst write,

23. "Some of you may be wondering what it takes to become members of this illustrious crew. The primary qualifications are these:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;
2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;
3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good
4) Functionally literate
5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.
6) Update your blog more than once a month
7) Willing to be made fun of
8) Willing to make fun of yourself
9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning
10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read
11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory
12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis"

24. "That's about it. However, like Calvinball, the rules may change in the middle of the game. Think you got what it takes? Send me a note."

25. And the people rose themselves up, and didst sing praises and didst go forth, and didst multiply like cheap Chinese calculators.

26. Thus was the birth, and the early growth of the Axis of Weevil.

27. And then there arose others, of the sect of the Idiotarians, who didst claim for themselves the invention of the name by which these are called,

28. And they didst act as though they were the clever Dick, and lo as if they were all that,

29. And they gnashed their teeth, and didst mock, and wail, and curse, and misspell, and obfuscate,

30. And didst heap scorn, and hatred, and silliness, and petulance,

31. And they sat in the gates of the city, and yammered liken unto a tribe of monkeys, or the grackels,

32. And they were smote sorely with the truth,

33. But being of the sect of the Idiotarians, they wouldst hear no truth, and they stopped their ears, and didst shout, "La la la--La la la! We are not listening, for thou speakest the words of truth, which unto us are anathema, maranatha."

34. So the dust of their feet didst the members of the Axis of Weevil shake upon the gate of their cities, and turned away from them to engage themselves in more productive tasks, such as clipping their toenails, or reciting pi unto the 23rd decimal place whilst folding their laundry.
posted by Terry at 9:30:00 AM