Well, it's that time...

'Twas the night before the Iron Bowl, when all through Alabama
Not a critter was stirring, not even a yellowhammer;
The RVs were parked by the stadium with care,
In hopes that some Dreamland ribs soon would be there;

The students were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Jack Daniels danced in their heads;
And mama in her jersey, and I with my big foam #1 finger,
Had by the TV started to linger,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sofa to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a golf cart, and some fat guy in a red and white suit,
"HEY! Get off my yard, or else I will shoot!"

With a little old driver, so sloppy and drunk,
I knew in a moment it must be Bob from down the street who is a rabid Alabama fan.
More rapid than War Eagle his curses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, D*&!@! now, D$#?**! now, P&%$$$#@R and V*&^~!
On, C**&$#@@T! on C*&%?! on, D!@#$R and BL*&&^>?N!
To the top of Denny Chimes! to the top of Bear's tower!
Now #$@##%^! away! Feel the Tide's Power!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the moron he climbed,
With a snootful of scotch, and urge to pee ill-timed.

And then, he was tinkling, I heard on the roof
The dribbling and dripping of the big goof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down Bob slid and slammed to the ground.

He was dressed all in crimson, from his head to his shoes,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cigar ashes and booze;
A roll of toilet paper, and a box of Tide were flung on his back,
And he smelled like a monkey or some kind of macaque.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (except for the thin brown stream down the side from his dip of Skoal);

The stump of a stogie he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a giant beer belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was dimwitted and slow, a right stupid old cuss,
And I laughed when thought of him getting caught under a bus;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had more things to dread;

He spoke not a word, but rolled over with a smirk,
And let loose a thundering back burp, the big dumb jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, and striking a pose;

He sprang to his cart, to his team gave a whistle,
And away he drove off, like a low flying cruise missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he weaved out of sight,

"Hey Auburn!

Hey Auburn!

Hey Auburn!

We're gonna beat the hell
out of you!

Rammer Jammer
Yellow Hammer
Give 'em hell Alabama!"

© 2002 Possumblog Sports Center

Yes, tomorrow is the big day, and I got a nice e-mail from the Pride of Vidalia, Lousiana, LS-Whovian, fellow Axis of Weevil member, and blogdaughter Janis Gore of Gone South, who sends her fond thoughts:

From: "Janis Gore" janis22@bellsouth.net
To: "Terry Oglesby" terryoglesby@yahoo.com
Subject: Auburn/Alabama
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 2002 20:42:25 -0600

At least I get the pleasure of knowing one of you is going to lose.

Janis

A woman of few words, but when it's from the heart, well...

In any event, the 68th installment of America's fiercest college football rivalry is now upon us, and rather than assault you with yet another Alabama joke, I will simply point you to the Humor section of al.com, which has a rather long list of Alabama/Auburn jokes for your reading pleasure. (I particularly like the Auburn joke about the family trip to New York.)

It appears that Possumblog Sports Central's vivacious and charming Chief Statistician Ipsa Dixie has decided to overlook the hostile work environment which pervades the Possumblog Publishing Company and come up with some predictions for the game based upon past performance.

First, she tells me that if I look at her chest one more time she's gonna gouge my eyes out with a letter opener. Fair enough.

Second, she notes that the Tigers have beaten Alabama in shutouts in each of the three meetings held in Tuscaloosa since 1893. Interestingly, the Tigers have appeared only twice in Tuscaloosa in the 20th Century--at the start in 1901 (Auburn 17-0), and at the end in 2000 (Auburn 9-Alabama 0).

Third, the teams appear on paper to be relatively well matched in the major statistics of rushing, passing, total offense, total defense, with one exception--Alabama is ranked 9th in the country and is 9-2 (6-1 SEC), while Auburn is not ranked and is 7-4 (4-3 SEC). It doesn't matter if you can run up and down the field all day long if you can't score more points. Auburn has some crucial players out of play, and since Alabama is on probation, this is THE bowl game for them, so they are going to be out for blood.

Finally, the Alabama cheerleading website is REALLY well done, and even has individual photos and bios of both the Crimson Squad and the White Squad. Further depth is found in the strong Crimson Cabaret lineup, which ALSO has individual photos! This has been one area where Auburn has managed to hold its own all year, but the Tide comes on strong in the most crucial measure of strength.

Ipsa says that Auburn is going to have a tough time this year, but in the interest of appearing optimistic, the Possumblog Magic Score Generator has been rigged to produce a final score prediction of Auburn 21-Alabama 17. If Auburn does manage to win this thing, an 8-4 record is good enough to get into some of the second tier bowls, but a loss will probably put them in the "Super One Foods/Omar's Stihl Saw Sales and Service/Northwoods Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Bowl" in Hibbing, Minnesota.

Oh well.
posted by Terry at 8:39:00 AM