Extending Alabama’s Cultural Hegemony, One Blog (or Two, or Three) at a Time

In a stunning display of naked ambition, we turn your attention to Quana X. Jones, writer of Eristic who asked the following question at 2:18 a.m. on Saturday, July 27:

Here's a stupid question for 2:18 a.m. Does Possumblog believe a blog gets to count as a 'bamablog if someone lived in 'bama for a year? I'm wondering...

oh, no reason...

Sensing with my keen sense of…something…that this might be a really good thing (because I really like fish sticks, and "eristic" sounds like some really cool sort of fish sticks), I quickly ran to find out about this mysterious Quana person and found this:

Quana X. Jones lives in the middle of central Texas on a small patch of land that was once cotton fields. The land is poor and worn out. So is Quana.

Now before anyone gets wired up about Quana residing in the great State of Texas, please keep in mind that Quana has lived in foreign countries and has traveled all over the world. Quana speaks three languages. In spite of this, Quana remains a provincial individual with a narrow mind, a sharp tongue and a perpetual distrust of humanity in general and cats in particular. Quana is not a journalist, a lawyer nor an academic. Quana has never done anything worth relating here in print. In short, Quana is a coot.

Quana chose to blog because blogging could act as a venue for venting long pent-up frustrations with the nature of things, both universal and particular. No where is the absurdity of the natural order more evident than in the fields of politics, international relations and the mindless drivel of what is today termed 'the media'. Therefore, Quana's blogs are often, but not exclusively, about our relations with other nations.

To prevent any further confusion for those wishing to use pronouns, Quana is female. While coots are generally considered to be male, due to rampant cootism in this part of the country, females (if old enough, fat enough and mean enough) may be considered coots as well. Undoubtedly, Quana more than meets the qualifications for cootism and has been a card-carrying coot for many years.

Quana has never forgotten the most important lesson in life: It takes 27 muscles to smile and only four to squeeze the trigger of a high-powered sniper rifle. Quana is a singular person of stout homeliness, flat feet and excellent eyesight.

Wow. Was I ever disappointed. Not a single mention of fish sticks. But, recognizing that there is more in life than frozen prepackaged processed fish products, and that she seemed to be heavily armed, I contacted Quana to let her know that her sojourn in Alabama was but one of many stringent rules for inclusion in the Axis of Weevil. Being quite careful to refer to her only in the third person, she was led into the darkened recesses of the Axis of Weevil Air Defense Command bunker deep underneath Sand Mountain and shown the mystical runes which constitute the membership requirements of the Greater Alabama Society of Vegetative Husbandry and Armed Conflict. (It having been a while since these were made public, it might be a good time for review:)

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;
2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;
3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good
4) Functionally literate
5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.
6) Update your blog more than once a month
7) Willing to be made fun of
8) Willing to make fun of yourself
9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning
10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read
11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory
12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

DISCLAIMER: As with the well-loved Calvinball, the rules may change in the middle of the game.

After careful review, Quana ticked off each item, and upped the ante to say that

as for the picture of Mr. Browning, he is stapled to the wall between Mr. Colt and Mr. Winchester in a group that includes Mr. Savage, Mr. Stevens, Mr. Smith, Mr. Wesson and Mr. Marlin.

All thoughts of breaded piscine morsels melted from my mind, knowing that we had found yet another worthy candidate for inclusion in the Goldenrod Writer’s Colloquium.

As we turned to go back to the Registrar’s Office, I stumbled over a Small Black Blog crumpled in the floor. OH NO! It was none other than Dirk Benson, who had started his blog at the unceasing prodding of Axis of Weevil Director of Lingerie Sue Lizano, and who had asked to have his application processed before I went on vacation!

In an apparent paperwork snafu, we have concluded that Dirk’s application was misrouted to Roberta, who took one look at this passage on his written essay:

I might as well tell you the truth. I'm a Yankee. A Damn Yankee, born on the outskirts of Boston, no less. So I may not be quite the fine company Suli made me out to be.

and had a hissy fit. Being that I was incommunicado whilst on holiday, Roberta took it upon herself to draw dirty pictures on the back and scrawl anti-Kennedy messages across the front. All the while, poor Dirk had been patiently waiting for the thumbs-up, and had decided to encamp upon the floor of the bunker and patiently reread the membership requirements and an old copy of an Argosy left over from when Todd, Jr. went to the barber shop and they were having a get-rid-of-stuff day. (Dirk's painful solitude is more than likely the reason he has only posted one thing since beginning his blog.)

In any event, two things immediately sprang to mind after returning to Headquarters—first, figuring out how to pin all of this on Roberta, who has been a pain in the neck ever since we stopped providing free coffee in the breakroom; and second, we really need to do a better job with security in the bunker. Dirk should not have been able to penetrate through our perimeter, especially since we got a new screen door AND a door bell.

So, in dealing with the staff issue, Roberta came in this morning and found that she had been summarily fired for such mean-spirited trashing of our good Yankee members—despite our reputation as close-minded and bigoted toward those above the Mason-Dixon, the Axis of Weevil has a well known non-discrimination policy regarding national origin, so even though some may think us foolish, we welcome Yankees into the organization. Yankees offer much in the way of necessary humor—I mean, who else wears shorts, black socks and loafers to the beach?

And as for Dirk’s plea for acceptance, he joins us here now along with Quana for their induction into the Yellowhammer Action Society.

SO THEN; By the power vested in me by the Alabama Department of Travel and Tourism and by the Alabama Anti-Idiotarian Party Caucus, Dirk Benson and Quana X. Jones are hereby admitted to the Righteous and Dignified Collector’s Guild and Blogging Society of Alabama (known to some as the Axis of Weevil) with all of the rights, privileges, group discounts, and legal liability attaching thereto.

[Insert tape recording of “Sweet Home Alabama” here]

Now that Dirk and Quana are members in good standing, they will be receiving upon the first truck the justly famed Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for their veehikles; a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a one quart bottle of Pilateri's Steak Sauce; and a coupon for 25 pounds of propane FREE from Dixie LPG.

So, now, go welcome them to the club!

AND THAT'S NOT ALL!!!!

Possumblog is a daddy! The Pride of Vidalia, Louisiana Janis Gore has started her very own blog called Gone South. Janis has a very special place in my heart, as she was the very first person who ever wrote me a fan letter, way back on February 27, 2002. She has kept in touch since then, always with good humor and a wry attitude, and I have found her pithy comments here and there all over Bloglandia. Given her way with words, I bugged her several times to start her own blog, but she demurred. That is, until now.

So, grab yourself a Presidente on the way out and go give her a look!

AND DADGUMMIT ALL, THERE'S ANOTHER UPDATE!

I didn't realize it, but Janis and her hubby have found themselves in the unenviable position of paying property taxes on a condo down on the Redneck Riviera, which not only makes her eligible for inclusion in the Axis of Weevil, it also means we have a place to PARTY!!!!

So, ONCE MORE, by the power vested in me by the Alabama Marine Patrol, Open Water Division, and by this card which promises me a high paying career in air-conditioning repair which was neatly clipped from Popular Science, it is with great pride and pompous braggery that we herewith ordain and appoint Janis Gore into the Cotton State Heavy Ordnance Club and Quilters Union, otherwise known as the Axis of Weevil, with all of the pain and suffering concommitant thereto.

And as with Quana and Dirk, Janis will soon be receiving her very own Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, which I intend to personally deliver to her condo.
posted by Terry at 1:59:00 PM