Happy for Men; or, I Am a Pathetic, Whipped, Knuckle-Dragger
I had a meeting today after lunch (which was Arby's chicken fingers eaten in the car while reading the morning paper) with a nice young doctor guy wanting to build an office over in the eastern part of town. I had signed out until 3:00, not knowing exactly when I would be back. Luckily, I had a few minutes extra, so I decided to run by the Parisian store downtown on the way back to work so I could pay an installment on our credit card bill. Parisian is a better line department store which used to be run by a local Birmingham family. It was purchased a few years back and is now part of the Saks, Inc. family. One of the nice things about it was (and still is, for that matter), the good customer service. They have a six month same-as-cash credit system, which is great. And, a handy part of that is that you can go to any cashier in any department if you want to pay your bill in person. Thus begins my downfall.

Some of you may not have ever figured this out, but I really like women of the female persuasion. So, whenever I go into Parisian to pay a bill, I like to head for a cashier at a cosmetic counter. Today was no different; I walked in and found the petite blonde Miss Lucinda at the Clinique counter.

I gave her my bill and $60 in cash and expected to get $4 in change. As she was ringing it up at the register behind her, I noticed she had been studying some sort of Clinique propaganda manual. The portion she had dog-eared dealt with learning how to show customers the merchandise and getting them to try it. She had all kinds of notes written in it, but I tried not to snoop too much--I didn't want to violate the doctor-patient relationship.

She turned back around and gave me my receipt and with the nicest smile asked me if I would be willing to help her with something for about five minutes. "Well, I will after you give me my change--see, the bill was for $56, and I gave you $60." Good grief look at those big blue eyes. "Oh, I am SO sorry--I rang it up for whole thing!" Start...melting...into...puddle...of...blubber... "Here, let me fix that!" Man, her teeth are white--they match her lab coat. "Aww, no, that's okay--it's fine. It's just four more dollars on the account and means we'll pay it off that much sooner." "Well, alright--do you think you could still help me? I need to demonstrate products for this Clinique school I have to go to." "Uh, okay." Complete and utter defeat, in the span of about a minute and a half. "WONderful! Thank you so MUCH!"

She started putzing around looking for men products--"Do you use any skin care products?" Good grief woman, look at me! I am a manly, macho, testosterone-pumping MAN. What ARE you THINKING? "Uh, well, not really much. You know, just, you know, if my hands get chapped, or you know, when I shave." "Well, we have this product called Happy for Men that you might like." She sprayed a bit of the cologne on a piece of paper, "My husband used to not like stuff like this, but he does now that I bring it home to him." Look in a dadgummed mirror, sister--THAT'S why he likes it! If you made him crawl through the broken shards of gas station toilets to get into the house, he would tell you he liked that, too!

She gave me the card and I took a tentative sniff and was nearly overcome by the fresh, fruity fragrance of orange industrial cleaner. "Ooh, that's a little bit stronger than I like--it smells a bit, well, it's not...I don't really..." Her hair was pulled back behind her ears and little wisps fell down across her forehead. "You don't like it? Well maybe the after shave balm." Oh, no, I hurt her feelings! "I'm sorry, it's just not really pleasant smelling to me; maybe something else. What else could I try?" I smiled a big goofy grin, and noticed that it sure did seem hot in the store--why was I so hot? "We do have just the regular Clinique for Men items, too. Let's try the aloe shave gel." She squirted a dollop of icky goo on my fingertip--luckily, it had no bad odor, but just felt yucky. "Your wife can also use it for shaving her legs--I've used it for that and it's very nice." GREAT PRAYING MOSES why is it so HOT in here!? "If you like that, we also have an after shave balm." I wiped the gel off and she applied a ribbon of pasty pale lotion on my finger. "It has just a bit of fragrance." Again I warily sniffed it. Very nice--it smelled faintly of model airplane dope and a refinery. "Whew, well, it's not...I mean, it just has a bit too much fragrance for me...I'm just an Ivory soap guy." "Oh, that's alright, everyone has different likes." She gave me another tissue to wipe my hands with. Each of her fingernails was perfectly shaped and painted a deep, rich red. I dropped my tissue on the floor, twice. Idiot.

"You were SO sweet to help me out!" "That's alright, I'm just sorry I didn't like this stuff any better." Good grief, what a moron I am. "It's fine, don't worry about it at all, it's just practice for me. Just let me finish up here. Your name is?" "Terry Oglesby." She looked up quizzically, "Oglesby? Do you know a [insert unrememberable name here] Oglesby in Hartselle?" Look at those eyes. By now I was just a towering, talking Jello mold. "Uh, no, I don't think so..." No--OF COURSE NOT! Just say no, you big buffoon. "But we're probably related somewhere down the line. It's not a very common name." "T-e-r-r...i or y?" "Y." "Y. O-g-e-l...?" "O-g-L-E-s-b-y." "O-g-e-l-s-p-y." Close enough. I'll be glad to change it. She continued to write her information down, "Demonstrated Happy for Men Cologne, Aloe Shave Gel, After Shave Balm. Did not care for fragrance of Happy, After Shave. May come back for Aloe Gel." May come back? "Thank you, Mister Oglesby!" "ThanYou're ok...welcome, hope your class goes well."

For what it's worth, I am even worse than this around my wife.
posted by Terry at 4:30:00 PM