A Word of Advice, Junior.

As you all know, I am a man of near-infinite patience. I go out of my way to avoid places and people that might be amenable to confrontation. I try my best to lead as quiet and peaceable a life amongst my fellow man as possible.

However, I do have a word of advice for a certain person. If you are a young man whose child attends Paine Elementary School in Trussville, Alabama, and you drive a white Miata with black top and cheesy aftermarket alloy wheels, and you were behind a silver Honda Odyssey van in the turn lane this morning at 7:15, please listen carefully.

It might come as a surprise to you that Highway 11 running in front of the school is, on occasion, a rather busy thoroughfare. Although there is a center turn lane for eastbound vehicles to turn into the school’s driveway, there is no traffic signal there to stop westbound traffic. Sometimes, the traffic is moving along at a relatively high speed. Although I (as I’m almost certain you do as well) have a job that requires I not be tardy, I have never found it particularly bothersome to allow the westbound traffic the few seconds required to clear the intersection before making the turn. I figure that since I have children in the car with me, it’s worth waiting a few seconds to let the oncoming traffic clear.

I realize that other drivers might not feel this way, and would be willing to endanger themselves and their children without ever thinking twice about it in order to save valuable microseconds; increments of time that they could put to better use by applying more styling gel to their hair, or admiring their Oakley’s in the rearview mirror, or just thinking how cool it would be to have a neon underbody light kit for their car. Obviously, important things. To some people.

But a word of advice, Sparky--if you should ever again be in the turn lane into the school behind a silver Honda Odyssey with two kids and a driver who seems to be detaining you for a longer span of time than you think you appropriate, it would be an extraordinarily bad idea to lay down on the horn again like you did this morning.

I happen to know that an entire Miata can be inserted into you, and I would genuinely enjoy demonstrating that fact.

And I would leave the horn for last.
posted by Terry at 9:49:00 AM