ACIDMAN '08!

Rob's getting his cabinet together, and I am frankly astonished that he intends to appoint ME as Treasury Secretary!

I credit this great good fortune to just exactly what he says--"he probably is the LEAST untrustworthy of the bunch." You know, that is just so true. Appearing to be trustworthy has long been one of the things I have practiced at doing, with the secret hope that one day I would be placed in charge of large quantities of cash.

Everyone, please keep paying your taxes. And send in a little more than necessary so I can have a little walking-around money in '08.

My first order of business once I am confirmed is to eliminate the IRS. My tax simplification system will save billions of dollars, will keep the U.S. solvent long enough for me to build a secret lair hidden in a volcano, and provide ice cream for poor children. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PUNISH POOR CHILDREN, ARE YOU!? Good. Just send me what you've been sending the IRS, and I'll see that it get spent wisely on Poor Child Ice Cream and on assembling an army of Norah O'Donnell clones for tending to my every need.

SECOND, the U.S. Mint. Have you ever tasted of money? Tastes like crap. I'm going to insure that the U.S. Mint lives up to its name and produces a currency with refreshing minty flavor. Spearmint, peppermint, and, umm...mint, and maybe Crest gel. OH, and coins will taste like SweetTarts. Or Necco wafers.

THIRD, I promise to eliminate the current U.S. debt by closing the Bureau of the Public Debt. Dumb bunch of ne'er-do-wells, sitting up there in Washington getting us in debt like that. I'll replace it with one of those 1-800 debt-consolidation places that advertise on teevee in the afternoons, in between the title pawn places and the personal injury lawyers. Whom I will also eliminate, even if it's not my job, because I think public servants should do useful things.

FOURTH, I will insist that the ATFE once again be placed under the auspices of the Treasury Department where it happily existed for years before all this Homeland Security stuff, and then I will eliminate it. It will be replaced with a new Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives agency whose mission it will be to make sure EVERY tax-paying American has free and unfettered access to booze, smokes, guns, and explodey stuff. Except we'll still tax booze and smokes, because they are sinful.

In closing, I wish to say I thank Rob for the confidence he has shown in me, and I want you all to know you can visit my secret volcano lair anytime.

Thank you.
posted by Terry at 2:17:00 PM