I was just now standing here--

--in the lush, shag-carpeted swankiness that defines the Axis of Weevil World Headquarters building, absentmindedly stroking my marble bust of Bach (Catherine), when suddenly Chet the E-Mail Boy burst through the door.

After yelling at him to remove his grease-stained coveralls (he has been in the back pasture trying to figure out how to pull the rear wheel hub off of our Mercury Tracer company vehicle), I inquired as to the purpose for his interruption.

Excitedly, he shoved a paper into my hand, the smell of ink from the press still fresh upon it.

Oh my.

Another one.

Poor, poor woman.

Here is her story:

Found your blog while cruising a Tuscaloosa web site in search of reference materials for my youngest son’s English Composition II class final essay which he is doing on

TUSCALOOSA

...would like to be considered for your Axis of Weevil....

Oh, sure. That’s what they all say…

By the by, Chet mentioned that the original message had all sorts of hearts and smiley faces around the word “Tuscaloosa” and at the end of various paragraphs--symbols that he was hard-pressed to reproduce either in Morse code or hot type. I told him his inadequacy was understandable, although it would be reflected in his performance evaluation.

To continue, our applicant has reproduced and responded to the Official Membership Rules for entry into the Yellowhammer Invective Guild:

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

I was born in Bessemer and grew up in Tuscaloosa....lived in Mountain Brook for a year before moving to Utah, California, Texas and lastly, where I still reside....Clearwater, Florida....the second choice retirement place of all Alabamians right after the Panama City, Destin, Fort Walton areas....and of course, Gulf Shores…

Hmmm, lots of moving around--sounds like SOMEone’s been in placed in the Witness Protection Program. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ashamed of #1...heck my Dallas, Texas born sons grieve because they are not Alabamians!!!

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

Idiots seriously get my hackles in a stench! I am AMAZED at the number of people on college campuses (even professors!) that think the Civil War was fought over slavery! Being from Alabama, we all know from having it planted in our little brains from kindergarten on that the Civil War was fought over STATE’S RIGHTS! Period. On top of that, people thinking Bar-B-Que is beef and then attempting to eat it with a fork, especially ribs! AUGH!!! (Oh, and this isn’t even considering that they think the cole slaw should be served on the SIDE and not ON a sandwich!) And then, there’s red-eye gravy....these people outside the state borders do not even know what red-eye gravy is all about! Ohhhhhhh, and hand-sqooshed biscuits or that you are supposed to put sugar in cornbread...I could go on forever in this category.....stop me now before I get dangerous!

I believe I might be too late, but that is neither here nor there. I have several comments about this paragraph, but the most important is this--cole slaw is NOT to be put on a sandwich, unless you are trying to show people how silly it looks.

Onward, then:

4) Functionally literate

Uhhh, graduated Summa Cum Laude with a degree in accounting and have worked for seven different publications in the music industry...that literate enough?

::sigh:: Well, I suppose it’ll have to do, won’t it. I mean, you figure someone in accounting should know how to do summing, but the rest of it seems a bit suspect.

5) Don’t type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

Gawd, does this not drive you crazier than a bessy-bug?!?

Only partly--the rest I attribute to being nearly being eaten by a raccoon as a child.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

I try to blog at least once a week, if not more but, I had been posting anti-Islamic sentiments in regards to the Middle East and Israel and well...I started getting hits on the blog from Saudi Arabia and then my blog suddenly disappeared... hmmmm, moved my blog to livejournal.com but, would be more than happy to re-register with blogspot.

Yep, that should be a lot more reliable…

7) Willing to be made fun of

I am a prime target...just ask my older brother (football coach [hey! we grew up in Tuscaloosa!] in Oklahoma)

He said he didn’t know you, but he might just be trying to live down the shame of having lived in Tuscaloosa.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

Look, I am as wide as I am tall (all five feet of me) with a gap in my front teeth and a propensity to come unglued and threaten bodily harm to anyone bad mouthing my home state....why would I NOT want to make fun of myself?

I don’t know--I’m still kinda worried about my last crack about Tuscaloosa causing our applicant to come unglued. ANYway--

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

Probably would have except for the fact that he was a Mormon.... (Southern Baptists don’t take too kindly to Mormons, you know!)

Yes, but he was designed the Colt 1911, so it’s obvious that our trusty inductee must put aside her prejudices and do the right thing.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

I have so many books that I have to store them in Rubbermaid containers for lack of shelf space; I buy the Rubbermaid containers at WalMart, by the way...SUPER WalMart....

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Monty Python:

“Look my son, one day all of this will be yours!”

“What? The curtains?!”

Andy Griffith:

How about the time Lou Ann Poovey moved to be near Gomer? No....wait...that was Gomer Pyle....oh yeah....there was this one time when the driver of a car started passing out at the wheel in Mount Pilot.....no wait, that was my last trip to West Virginia....I know!!! Remember when Aunt Bea and her neighbor were growing roses for the fair and Opie broke the rose she was growing for the competition???? Opie’s now a skank making liberal propaganda films in Hollywood....

Well, everyone has to make a living. After Happy Days, he had to have something to do.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

Ford F150...crimson with grey seats...I use the back to haul Rubbermaid containers from Super WalMart home for all my books...

Lee Ann DiVergigelis (nee Roberson)

::wistful sigh:: Well, that settles it!

I dismissed Chet to go finish the car, because he’s got a delivery to make!

IN KEEPING WITH THE GRAND AND GLORIOUS TRADITION of the assemblage of souls known collectively as the Alabama Tole Painting and Recoil Fanciers Society, and by the power granted to me by Maynard, the evening-shift head cook at the Prattville Waffle House, it is with GREAT PLEASURE that we do hereby induct and install one Lee Ann Leach DiVergigelis (nee Roberson) into the Axis of Weevil, with all of the normal heartache and woe concomitant thereto, having, as she has, more or less successfully filled out her membership application, and in addition, having, as she does, the longest name of any blogger on the whole list, necessitating a complete reworking of the list just to get her name on there.

Lee Ann also sent along an additional note, which reads:

I also have a web site featuring my concert photography over the years in the music industry as well as some of my published written work for my last magazine INK 19. There are other feature stories from other magazines but, unfortunately they are not on the web and I have not had time to put them on the site since I am in school full time and working full time. The link to my web site is: http://www.shottothebody.com

Some folks just have a lot of time on their hands, I suppose.

IN ANY EVENT, congratulations--or condolences--Miss Lee Ann on this high honor!

As with all new members of the Axis of Weevil, you will be receiving your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a rack of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo’s sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark’s Outdoor Sports for your pickup truck, a package of Bubba’s Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester’s Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale’s Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale!

AND THAT’S NOT ALL! Jimmy (who, as you all should know by now, is not Jimmy from Accounting, but rather Jimmy from next door, who has a condition), has agreed to produce a new line of lovely gift products for all new 2005 inductees!

Jimmy has in the past made some lovely handmade artwork as a sort of therapy for his condition (which he says is doing pretty well right now, now that his aunt has quit pestering him about finding the Victoria’s Secret catalog in his pants drawer in October, thank you for asking), tells me that he envisions producing a life-size sculpture of Bear Bryant from the discarded pizza boxes he keeps in the garage, as well as future undertakings using other famous celebrities such as Junior Johnson or Toby Keith.

It promises to be quite a spectacle.

Anyway, go welcome the newest member of the club. Or warn her.
posted by Terry at 3:34:00 PM