Possumblog

Not in the clamor of the crowded street, not in the shouts and plaudits of the throng, but in ourselves, are triumph and defeat.--Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

REDIRECT ALERT! (Scroll down past this mess if you're trying to read an archived post. Thanks. No, really, thanks.)

Due to my inability to control my temper and complacently accept continued silliness with not-quite-as-reliable-as-it-ought-to-be Blogger/Blogspot, your beloved Possumblog will now waddle across the Information Dirt Road and park its prehensile tail at http://possumblog.mu.nu.

This site will remain in place as a backup in case Munuvia gets hit by a bus or something, but I don't think they have as much trouble with this as some places do. ::cough::blogspot::cough:: So click here and adjust your links. I apologize for the inconvenience, but it's one of those things.


Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Just got this from Lawyer Friend Jeff (not the same guy as My Friend Jeff™, who is an architect like me). I realize since it came from the magical e-mail box, it's probably been around the world several times, but it's the first time I'VE seen it, so I'll plop it out there:
JESUS AND THE REDNECK

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea and add it to his bill.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over yonder?" The waitress nodded, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke and put it on his check.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength coming back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus then passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ME.....I'M DRAWIN' DISABILITY!!"



Government Troops Suffer Over 1000 Casualties Battling Armed Militants

From the Library of Congress:
On June 17, 1775, American troops displayed their mettle in the Battle of Bunker Hill during the siege of Boston, inflicting casualties on nearly half of the British troops dispatched to secure Breed's Hill (the actual site of the battle).

More than 15,000 colonial troops defended Boston at Breed's Hill, Bunker Hill, and Dorchester Heights following the battles of Lexington and Concord. African-American soldiers comprised approximately one-third of the rebel troops.

Five thousand British troops under the command of General Gage stormed Breed's Hill, where colonial soldiers were encamped. In their fourth charge up the hillside, the British took the hill from the rebels, who had run out of ammunition. The last rebels left on the hill evaded capture by the British, thanks to the heroic efforts of Peter Salem, an African-American soldier who mortally wounded the British commanding officer who led the last charge.

After suffering 1,000 casualties during their charges on Breed's Hill, the British discontinued their assaults on rebel strongholds in Boston. When George Washington assumed command of colonial forces two weeks later, he garnered ammunition for Boston troops and secured Dorchester Heights and Bunker Hill.
I'm sure crazy ol' GR III looks on the firearms laws of the Commonwealth with awe now, wishing he had instituted the same thing when he had the chance.



Why, this is just surreal: Four correction officials charged with stealing Dali sketch from jail
By AMY WESTFELDT
The Associated Press
6/17/03 3:06 PM

NEW YORK (AP) -- Four Rikers Island jail officials were charged Tuesday with stealing a Salvador Dali sketch from a locked display case during a fire drill.

The men, two assistant deputy wardens and two corrections officers, were charged with grand larceny and could get up to 15 years in prison.

The untitled work, depicting the crucifixion in ink and pencil, was removed from the lobby of the city jail and replaced with a copy during an unscheduled fire drill staged by the defendants at midnight on March 1, authorities said.

A 1985 appraisal concluded it was worth at least $175,000, a corrections official has said, but an art expert told The New York Times in 2001 that it was worth at least three times that.

Dali gave the sketch to the jail in 1965 after canceling a visit. At the bottom of the drawing is a message from Dali, who was never known for correct spelling: "For the inmates dinning room on Rikers Island. Dali."

The sketch was displayed in the jail's dining room for 16 years before being moved to the lobby, where only officers and visitors are allowed.

"Who knew that it might have been safer left in the cafeteria?" said Rose Gill Hearn, commissioner of the city Department of Investigation.
Wow...Riker's gets all the cool artwork.



Now Taking Bets...

...on just exactly how long it will be before someone panics and mangles this story: Dow Corning purchases Alabama silicon metal company, and substitutes "silicone" for "silicon".




Okay--Blogger's working alright again now, so we'll go back to the new tagline: "New Blogger--Now 26% Less Crappy!"



Quite possibly the longest reach EVER in an effort to make a cutesy headline:

A Hamas divided?

Wow. What would professional journalism do without editors.



Well, now--just when I thought Blogger had cleaned up its act, I just tried to post the entry below and it won't let me! I am just one small finger slip away from bringing out the old "It's Free and it Shows!" tag...



Report: Terror System Flags David Nelsons

I'm just thankful Ozzie and Harriet and Ricky aren't around to see this.

How could this be?! O tempore! O mores!



Hmph! It’s about 8:30, and my Internet connection is down at the moment (what on earth did people do to waste time before!?), so to occupy a moment or two, how about another slice of the 1901 edition of Everybody’s Writing-Desk Book!

Last week, we had a paragraph about the characteristics of poetry—today’s episode is a continuation of that topic entitled:
Poetry earlier than Prose.—Poetry, it has also to be remembered, is a culture of earlier date than prose; and while Elizabethan poetry represents a comparatively advanced, Elizabethan prose represents a comparatively rudimentary, development. Prose, again, which is the language more of the average mood and addressed more to the average sense, is so much more subject to time and place, and therefore reflects so much more than poetry the general literary culture of the period wherein it is written.

Poetry and Prose of the Elizabethan Writers.—The Elizabethan poets who write poetry transcending criticism write also noble and majestic prose. Yet are their sentences in prose far from being so clear and perfect of construction as are their sentences in poetry. Their prose sentences, compared with those of the best writers of our day, are in general very long, and the modern reader is often nearly (sometimes altogether) out of breath before arriving at the end of one. The sentences of Milton’s poetry, too, are indeed generally of an ample size, but also, as a rule, of the most symmetrical construction; nor is the cultivated reader ever at a loss to comprehend the mutual harmony (in sense as in sound) of their component parts. The most formidable names (as those of the heathen gods) are subdued into sweet consonance in sound and sense with all the richly musical context. The sentences of Milton’s prose, on the other hand, always masculine indeed, are yet often so long-winded and involved as to fatigue all but the most robust readers. There are, however, two English prose works of the seventeenth century remarkable, in relation not merely to their immediate time but to any time, for their sweetness and simplicity of literary constitution—the English Bible and the Pilgrim’s Progress.

The English Bible, though, stands as the last of a long series of English renderings, each successive rendering a successive winnowing of the huskier parts and closer union of the more essential. The Pilgrim’s Progress, too, was really conceived with the vividness of a dream, and so is a poem or organic whole.
Of course, by the English Bible, the authors mean the King James version of 1611—for those of you who grew up with it, it’s hard to quibble with their commentary on it.

Like all translations, it does have a few drawbacks, but it would be hard to come up with a single work with more influence upon modern English, or upon Western society, than this one. For anyone who is not literate in works written before the twentieth century, it can be difficult to read, but that is really more of a function of the original text than the translation, which has stood the passage of three hundred years quite well. Even newer translations such as the American Standard Version of 1901 owe much to the language and cadence of the 1611 translation, although it does provide a more accurate rendering of the Greek New Testament books. The New American Standard (an update of the 1901 version) benefits from the usage of various copies of texts discovered in the twentieth century, most notably parts of the Dead Sea texts, as well as being intricately footnoted and set so that quotations of Old Testament works within the New are more distinct. As an overall translation, the NAS leaves a bit to be desired. Attempts to accurately translate distances and measures into recognizable modern values (particularly noticeable in the New Testament portion) tends to strip the symbolic portions of the original of their intended meaning. There are several instances of this throughout, but one of the more noticeable is in the Book of Revelation, where John describes his vision of the New Jerusalem as it is being measured—in the original text it is measured out as 12,000 stadia in length, width, and height. While there are some who take this literally and have tried to work out exactly how big everybody’s apartment is going to be (and if they will have any space for a roommate to share rent) it works much better as a symbolic measure—12 being a number to indicate perfection, then multiplied a thousandfold and applied to a perfect cubic shape. The New American Standard translates the distance simply as “fifteen hundred miles”, which while accurate literally, is way off symbolically.

Another problem with any translation is again not so much the translation, as it is the original text. And people being what they are, and there being lots of money to be wrung from folks who would rather the original were not quite so full of the Mean Old Angry God, the number of new translations and transliterations and paraphrasings and boy-I-wish-it-said-this-instead versions has skyrocketed in the past thirty years or so, and increasingly they have replaced God the Father with Papa Smurf (and lots of flowers and kittens). For the most part, the devotion and rigor of their efforts is expended less toward making sure it’s an accurate rendering of the original texts than to insuring nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Well, whatever. But, if you really want to study, get yourself a Bible that is a real translation, and get yourself a couple of good Hebrew-English and Greek-English lexicons, too. Even if you’re a ragin’ atheist, it really won’t hurt you, if for no other reason than to get a little cultural depth—if you read any mid- to late-eighteenth century works by our Founders, it’s hard to deny the influence of the language and thoughts of the King James Bible upon their minds (whether for good or bad), and likewise upon the history of America.

9:30 A.M.—Internet STILL Down

Figures. Just get Blogger to where it actually works, and now I can’t use it!

10:40 A.M.—Still down

Wow—hard to believe how much you come to rely on something to feed the obsessive side of your personality until it’s SNATCHED away from you without notice. Usually, I will type furiously or run around here being a good regulatory agent, then sit for a minute or two and see what all’s going on in the world, then try to decide whether or not the vasty ocean of Possumblog readers would want to hear my comment on any certain event or topic I have found, then decide to completely ignore the boisterous cries to ‘shut up’ and go on to post something completely without merit. Then go back to regulating again.

But without my hosepipe to the outside world, I’m stuck here with no way of seeing live pictures of the guys putting Vulcan’s head on, or of finding out what's the deal with anteaters, or reading the Bleat, or answering e-mails, or looking for pictures of my home entertainment center.

Oh well. There’s always work. And Solitaire. OOOH! OOOH! It’s working again!! HOORAY!! (Better get this mess posted before it breaks again!)


Monday, June 16, 2003

Proud Papa Alert!

Sorry, but I just remembered (look, three days ago was a LONG time!) that we got the call from Middle Girl's soccer coach--she has been invited to move up from the Recreational league to the Competitive league and be on the 'Premier' team. She is very excited, and I am trying to figure out how we're going to work this now that travel is no longer just across the county, but across the whole danged state!

She's a good girl, though, so I assume we'll find a way to figure it all out in due time.



What did you have planned for today?

This was said early Saturday morning after my hopes for being allowed to quietly sleep away the entire day were dashed by the intrusive noise of my progeny, each of whom decided to wake up extra early and begin their weekend chore of watching loud cartoon shows and recreating various movie scenes of violent fisticuffs and emotional melodrama.

“Welllll, MAYbe we coullllld…”

“The kids are awake and the door’s open.”

“I could close the door…”

“The kids are awake.”

“I could give them the keys to the van and let ‘em drive around for a while…”

“No.”

“You’re pretty!”

“No.”

Wow, the world’s most effective oral contraceptive.

Sensing that this avenue of Father’s Day gift getting was going nowhere, I did the next best thing—“What do YOU have planned for today?”

“I was thinking about going SHOPPING!”

As I mentioned Thursday, Father’s Day gifts at my house tend to be skewed greatly toward the GIVER’S tastes—witnessed by the fact that I really didn’t want to go shopping, yet that was exactly what I was going to be allowed to do. Yippee. In all truthfulness, I am one of the few guys I know who actually likes to go shopping—provided it is sans enfants. I could stand around with Reba looking at bras and panties and twee doodads all day long, but once the kids are invited along, all bets are off. Shopping becomes an exercise in Not Having A Bursted Aorta.

As I’ve mentioned, when you have more than two children, defense switches from man-to-man to zone, which is bad enough, but when your other teammate is heavily distracted by the search for the mythical pair of pants that’s cute and fits and doesn’t make her butt look big and is on sale, you wind up with something akin to it being 3rd and long, back on your own goal line, and the other team is blitzing AND your receivers are out of position. Your only options if you take the snap are to throw it away long downfield and figure it like a punt if they intercept, or do a short dump across the middle and get a yard or two of cushion so you have room to punt. In other words, sit in the car with the kids.

BUT, since this was ostensibly a search for Terrygifts, it might not be so bad. We decided to go ahead and do our usual Saturday evening routine that morning, just in case we got back late, so we shoved the kids into the wringer and switched it on HIGH for a while, then tumbled them dry on LOW until they were nice and shiny, then I got my shower, and we were ready to hit the door. As part of my special Dad Day activities, I had thought we could go to Cracker Barrel for breakfast, and now that it was NOON I was certainly hungry enough.

I like Cracker Barrel, except for the part of it that’s within reach of curious children, and the part of it that makes the wait for a seat and food measurable with a calendar. But it was breakfast, you know, and they do breakfast more breakfasty than any other purveyor of food and frilly pseudo-antiques within at least a mile or two of our house.

Got there and got the old ticker working overtime trying to -- “NO, put it down,” -- keep all the -- “Put that up, too, and DON’T get another one back out,” -- kids under control and -- “We’re NOT getting another stuffed animal!” -- maintain some semblance of -- “Where’d Catherine go?! COME HERE!” -- order in my life. ::sigh:: Finally got our table and the food came out in a relatively short time—only about thirty or forty people who arrived after us got theirs before us. Settle up, then it was time to go on to the store.

The stated purpose of the trip to the store was to find Daddy a Pair of Shoes. Being that I am thoroughly a creature of sedate and unchanging tastes in clothing and shoes, I only wear one kind of dress shoe. Wingtips, lace up, black or cordovan. That’s it. This has been difficult of late because these are about as trendy as buggy whips and spats, and all non-benchmade shoes-that-are-relatively-nice-and-I-can-afford are ugly as Herman Munster shoes. Big, ugly things with thick toes and soles that look their best only when the wearer has the name "Lester" embroidered on his uniform pocket right underneath the little wrench logo. There are some wingtips out there, but they are either obscenely expensive or insanely cheap. Guess what I’m wearing right now.

Yep. Crazy cheap shoes.

Finally had to let go of my last pair of good black shoes after about the sixth resoling. Couldn’t find a nice pair of replacement wingtip Florsheims anywhere. All of them were either big, ugly, or both. Or, loafers. With kilts. And tassels. (As if… ) So, I was forced to do something I have always told Boy not to do, which is to buy cheapo shoes. The pair I have has a RUBBER sole PERMANENTLY ATTACHED to the upper, which is not made out of real, live dead cows, but some sort of manmade dead cows that just don’t quite seem real. BUT, Reba found a sale paper the other day that said our local McRae’s store had honest-to-goodness Florsheim wingtips. They aren’t truly expensive shoes since they are made with the benefit of foreign child labor (not really…I don’t think) but they do have the slightly upscale benefit of being lovingly made with real bovine tops, and the soles and heels can be replaced several times.

So, off to McRae’s.

Go to Men’s Shoes, which is packed with customers. Well, maybe half a dozen. But, it was decidedly LESS packed with helpful sales staff, so things took a while. Luckily, there were my shoes, though! Hooray!

“Do you have this in a 10E?”

“Hmm, nah. Just have the loafer, or the one with the smooth toe.”

Grr. Loafers! Cap Toes!! Arrgh. You people are making it very difficult to be an old fart.

“Do you have it in a 9 1/2?”

“Mmm-hm.”

She disappeared into “The Back” and after a suitable period of chatting or eating a snack or whatever, brought back out a box. Unstuffed the right shoe, slid it on, stepped down, experienced the joys of Chinese foot binding. “You don’t have ANYthing back there in a wingtip?”

“Nah.”

::sigh:: Well, maybe I could get a couple of dress shirts. I like dress shirts that are 100% cotton, because, believe it or not, they don’t shrink up in the collar and cuffs. The ones that are mixed cotton and poly wind up looking like doll clothes after just a few launderings. Everything they had was 60/40 cotton/poly. “Y’all don’t have ANY 100% cotton dress shirts?”

“Nah.”

“Well, let’s go look at dresses!” This was said with bright enthusiasm, which means that I am not the one who said it.

M’kay. Over to Women’s, and my offensive line gets buried under the blitz—“ALRIGHT—you, you, you and you—let’s go.”

Off to Cargatory.

“Can we…”

NO!

“Dad…”

NO!

“Does it…”

NO!

“BUT I HAVE TO GO TO THE WESTWOOOOOOooooom!”

::Ralph Kramden slow burn::

Repeat at stores across the metro area.

Return home, and my Father’s Day gifts consist of six dresses, several small cute bracelets and a pretty set of earrings that match the trim on one dress PERFECTLY, and then there are three pairs of shorts that will only fit me if I am a child size 8, and two shirts, a yellow little girl sundress, and a special pair of pants that came with a PAIR OF PLASTIC SANDALS!! Ooooooh! PRETTY!!

As I said Thursday, I have only two things that belong to me…

Luckily, I did get six cards (four from the kids and two from the wife) and a series of hugs and kisses, and in a further bright spot, the kids were able to get into bed without the bother of a full hair-washing and nail-clipping.

Sunday was not quite so hectic—except for the necessity of having to iron one pretty little girl dress and one new wife dress in order for us not to a) go to church looking as though the clothes had been carelessly laid upon various horizontal pieces of furniture, and b) be late for church. Wouldn’t have been so bad except for having to do both dresses twice. And we had to leave RIGHT THEN.

Did my stand-in duty with the 5th and 6th graders, worshipped, fought sleep, went and had lunch with Ashley’s grandparents, went and visited with Reba’s mom and dad, went to the house to get something, went back to church to have a meeting about Vacation Bible School (I get to be Saul one night!), evening sermon, supper, home, finally get to stretch out and read the newspaper, sleep about five hours, then come here!

For some reason, I feel a bit tired.



The world's largest cast iron buttocks.(Should be safe for work...)

Still need the arms and head, but when that's done, we'll have us a proper statue again. They swung the lower torso into place on Saturday, and the chest got put on today.

As always, take THAT John McCain!




Ouch.

Even WITH the Demerol.

As an aside, Janis mentions in her post of yesterday that her daddy in-law's name is Big Daddy. By an odd happenstance, my dad's dad was Big Daddy, too. His wife was Big Mama. And Reba's mother's dad was Big Daddy. But let me just say this--if I ever, EVER hear another stage play in which the actors put on their fake Southern accents and say 'bigDADDY' instead of 'BIGdaddy', I believe I will scream.

Accent on the FIRST word!

(As an even further aside--this is one of those rare cases in which size truly does not matter--both Reba's and my grandfather were both slight to the point of scrawniness.)

{To go well beyond all reason with a continued series of asides, one of the guys I used to work with [I think he went to Ole Miss, or maybe Southern Miss...Hi John! Heheee...] had a set of relatives named Uncle Dick and Aunt WeeWee.}



Kids

They arrive so suddenly it seems, all tiny and wet and loud. You watch them begin to grow and toddle around--falling, flailing, hitting their little heads on the sharp corner of the coffee table, playing with all the guns and loose cutlery around the house--and then, you look up, and you realize your little blogchild is now an entire one year old!

Congratulations to Larry Anderson of Kudzu Acres, Alabama for a year's work well done!

(He hasn't done his thought-provoking, navel-gazing, 'One Year Later' post yet. Just keep checking in...)



Spreading like a plague...

The mighty and terrifying Axis of Weevil grows ever larger and more unweildy with the addition of a new member, who had the good sense to write to World Headquarters and lavish me with constant positive reinforcement!

Quite by accident, a friend of young Allison Lane's found Possumblog, and sent her a link to some stupid drivel I wrote way back when. Allison liked it (along my recipe for grilled manatee steaks) so much that she felt compelled to roust Chet the E-Mail Boy from his slumber just to let me know.

A strict sense of modesty forbids me from going into detail about the glowing praise Allison heaped upon the editorial output of this shop, but I will allow that it made me blush from the top of my head to the very end of my naked prehensile tail.

AND THEN... Allison noted that she herself had become addicted to blogging, AND that she slaked her habit only minutes to the north of me in the throbbing metropolis of Pinson, Alabama! Chet was now a blur of activity as he shuffled back and forth to his machinery, and at last, the deal was done--yet ANOTHER poor soul overjoyed participant has agreed to enter into the Yellowhammer State Blogging and Alpine Skiing Club! History major, Pepsi drinker, fan of actors with failing dental health--she has it all!

SO THEN, having read and accepted the Terms and Conditions and Rules and Stuff for admission into our august ranks, by the power vested me by the Ted who fixes the copier at the Alabama Department of Agriculture (Non-Game Meat Division), it is with great pride and a vigorous ritual paddling that we herewith and hereby induct and infest one Allison Lane with all the benefits and obligations pertaining to membership in the Axis of Weevil.

Congratulations, young lady, and as with all new members in our group, you will soon be receiving your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your pickup truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

Sadly, due to a backlog in orders for his special Dale Earnhart Commemorative rocks, Allison will receive not be receiving one of our friend Jimmy's painted rocks (this is the guy-from-next-door Jimmy-not Jimmy in Accounting) to place at the end of her driveway. HOWEVER, we are able to once again offer a coupon to have the roof of your trailer Kool-Sealed absolutely free from our good friends at Bama Trailer Supply.

So then, Allison, welcome, and remember to never leave anything in the office refrigerator for more than a week, and it's best to be sure your name's on it. Pencils and tape are in the office supply cabinet behind the janitor's closet.

Everyone go say hey!



Glad THAT'S over...

Monday morning staff meetings are not the mostest fun things in the world--although they are the most benign of the meetings I have to attend. Summer is worse because there are no football games to discuss. I have often thought the meetings would be much better attended and everyone would stay awake if we had ring card girls to announce the next agenda items. Just a thought.

ANYWAY, first things first--many hundreds of thanks to Meryl Yourish for her kindness in actually wading through all my rambling for the week past and posting a whole series of links (which actually worked, by the way, thanks to that great new Blogger software--"Blogger: It Doesn't Suck Near As Bad Now!") to various stuff she thought worthwhile.

The resulting Merylanche pushed the old number counter over the 100,000 mark! Now, you must realize that the vast majority of these hits are either the result of me pushing the reload button hoping in vain that the content will get better, or alternately, having to perform multiple edits to correct various mental-ineptitude-based errors. But still, that is some sort of a milestone, no matter what.

I thank everyone who has stopped in over the past 18 months, including the one illiterate troll. Why, if I had a penny for every hit, I would now have well over ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!! Amazing.

In this past few months, I have typed an enormous amount of stuff. I have no idea how much in total, but I just now took a random week (October 20-25, 2002) and copied it into Word to get an estimate of the size of the content. Taking out all the bits of articles copied from other sources and date stamps and junk, I figured it came to around 8,100 words, which is probably a pretty accurate average. 8,100 words multiplied times 77 weeks comes up to 623,700 words. All of it FREE to you (well almost all of you, because Marc Velazquez was nice enough to buy the banner ad off the top).

That's a heap, no matter which way you slice it, and portions of it have actually been worth what it cost you!

And why do I do it?

Just to prove a point.

(And when I do get around to proving one, buddy-o, you guys'll be the FIRST ONES TO KNOW!)

So, thanks again!

(I just did another quick calculation and I figure if I had gotten a penny for each word, why, it would have over SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! Woo-hoo! You know, that's almost enough to invest in this deal a guy from Nigeria wants me to help with...)



Hey! Must run to staff meeting--be back in a bit. Lurid tales of suburbia to follow.


Friday, June 13, 2003

Going Home

Answered a couple of e-mails this morning, then dashed out to go get my mom so we could go to the funeral. I had figured it might take an hour, and to give myself some extra cushion I told her I would be there around 8:45 or so. “Why don’t you just come at 9?” As if 15 minutes would make that much of a difference one way or the other. Anyway, I told her I just wanted to make sure we had some time to get there, and then, of course, I ran late and got there at about five till nine. “I called your office—I thought you might have forgotten about it.” Nah, just got busy.

Then it was time to figure out which vehicle.

“Are you riding with me?”

“Well, no, I figured I would drive.”

“But do you have an umbrella big enough for both of us?”

Huh?

“Yes, I have a big umbrella…”

“Well, get it and you can ride with me.”

::sigh:: Went and got my umbrella, came back to her car—“You want me to drive?”

“Do you want to drive?”

“I will if you want me to”

”I’ll drive.”

Okay, then. Got in and buckled up—as I’ve written before, she drives a late model Cadillac Eldorado, mainly because it has a relatively hot V-8. As she says, when she mashes the gas, she wants it to go. She put the key in and cranked it up—“Do you know how to get there?”

My mom is such a card. I told her the other day I wasn’t sure I knew how to get there and she scoffed and said, “Aww, I’ll tell you which way it is.”

“No, I thought YOU knew.”

I don’t know where we’re going!”

“Just drive west, you’ll get there.” Smartypants.

SO, we set out. She decided to get to the interstate from downtown using the Red Mountain Expressway, and was incredibly unclear about where the hidden entrance was on 27th Street, as well as which lane to get in to go “around by the Civic Center.” Big looping connector ramp which merges into I-59/20 that never ceases to make me a bit queasy. It’s narrow and high and spindly and is cambered so your mother will try to take it like she’s driving the pace car at Talladega.

“OOOh, I think this thing is too tight of a curve!”

“Well, I reckon it is a bit much at 70—you bring it down to 40 and it’s a lot easier.”

For some reason this just tickled her to no end. She snickered and laughed and allowed that 70 might have been somewhat too fast. Or not. She got the Caddy hauled down and merged more or less in one piece—she drives like the throttle and brake are on-off switches, so the ride leaves a bit to be desired. Hard to relax when you have to throw your hand up to grab the dashboard as you slide off the slick leather seats when she slams on the binders, then to have your head slam into the headrest the next second as she stomps on the gas.

We negotiated on whether to get on 78 West by going on up to Arkadelphia Road or to get on I-65 and exit at Finley Boulevard, or go way on up to 41st Avenue. She asked; I suggested just staying on 59 until Arkadelphia, so she went toward Finley.

“Why’d you ask if you already knew which way you were going to go!?”

“Oh, I don’t know.”

On to 78, and at this point I will begin to make use of Dale Short’s description that I linked to yesterday of the trip route. (In this way I will attempt to draft upon the better talents of a more able writer to give my own crap some pizzazz.)
To get to Shanghi, Alabama, you take Highway 78 West out of Birmingham. Some twenty miles later you come to the Graysville exit, which you take and then turn left onto Flat Top Road.
Okay, let’s stop there—part of that twenty miles (which is now more like twelve given the annexation fever of Birmingham and Graysville) is what made up the place where I grew up, Forestdale. When Forestdale was young, there wasn’t much more than a scattering of houses and a few gas stations, and then it began to grow into a bedroom community full of iron and steelworkers during the mid ‘60s, and by the time I graduated from high school, it was full of stores and fast food places—but not in a bad way. It was lively, but not the sort of junky mess you usually associate with strip malls and burger joints.

Now, though, it has been overtaken by junky mess. Pawn shops (both the merchandise and the car title types), bingo arcades, package stores, clinging-to-life mom-and-pop joints that went into the old chain burger joints after they sold out, big fluorescent yellow and black flashing arrow signs, fireworks trailers. The few homes that survived the earlier building boom (with their owners always hopeful that they would “go commercial”) have begun to rot down, back behind old, overgrown chain link fences.

It’s not home anymore, that’s for sure.

The one bright spot is that our old house (which DID go commercial back then—first it was a flower shop, then some kind of an office building, then it was enlarged and bricked up to become an attorney’s office) is still in good shape. Not that you can actually SEE our old house behind the addition and the renovations and the brickwork, but it’s nice to know it’s still under there.

On through the next town of Adamsville (which really was a town instead of just an unincorporated area, and which my mom blew through doing 75) and then on to that turn onto Flat Top Road. Just down under the highway overpass is another street called Arrow Drive that heads back up another hill. This is where one of the guys I graduated high school with came down a bit too fast, in the wet, and slid across the road down into the ravine on the opposite side, thus shrinking our class size by 7%. (There was only 15 of us.) That intersection always gives me the creeps.
In short order you'll pass Flat Top, Bessie Mines, Jonestown, Snowtown, and West Jefferson.
When I was little, this road was two lanes, and full of gigantic potholes and coal trucks full to the brim and running at either top speed downhill or near dead stop up. All the land around looked about like the moon. It’s better now—the road is mostly four lane, and has been straightened considerably, and all the mounds of tailings now have a thin, fine covering of grass. Still not much in the way of trees though. Little glimpses of Old Flat Top Road and other old intersecting roads to nowhere could be seen back in behind mounds of dirt—one in particular looked little bigger than a snake and was just as curvy, and looked like it was going up a hill that was only a degree or two shy of vertical—“That’s the one that goes off to Porter. That’s the one where your daddy and that Sumner boy came down on that motorcycle doing A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR! Wonder he didn’t get killed.” Yep—my dad was a bit of a lunatic, although he did have a right good time. He had a big 80 cubic inch Harley-Davidson (one of the ones with the shifter on the side of the tank) that he blasted around the hills and hollers, and I have an old photo of him sitting on it, looking every bit like a punk kid. But a likeable one. And no, I don’t know which Sumner boy, it was just “that” one, like “that Hicks bunch” or “that store”.

With the curves having been taken out of the road, and with the construction of the new Corridor X interstate to Memphis, some of the familiar landmarks my mom was looking for had been obliterated. She kept looking for Snowtown... Snowtown!...SNOWTOWN!!, and the only evidence left was the Snowtown Church of God of Prophecy. There’s a new intersection now just past it now, and from it you could see the cooling tower for the Miller Steam Plant, which is just beyond West Jefferson High School, which was the direction we needed to go.

So she turned in the opposite direction.

I was finally able to convince her that if she was trying to get to West Jefferson, she needed to do a 180, which to her credit she managed to accomplish without doing a full power bootlegger turn, but by just turning around in someone’s gravel drive. She was still rather put out that Snowtown was not more recognizable.

Thus back on the right path, we passed by “that Youngblood girl’s house” which was the home of one of my parent’s teachers at West Jefferson. She was only just a little older than her students at the time she taught them, and she would be in her 80s now. Still a girl, though, you know. I remember long ago when my dad and I were going down that way to go to the river that he stopped in to call on her. She really was a beautiful woman, and talked to us forever. I wish I had remembered more of the conversation now.

Then past the old service station that used to belong to one of my uncles—it’s now an abandoned little mess of concrete block and vines. He and his boys used to run coal and work on coal trucks, and there was still an old Peterbilt and coal trailer parked behind, but nothing else. On up the hill to old West Jefferson, which has been surplused by the board of education. Once a pretty little rural school, it’s starting to fall down, too. This was were my dad played football. Their coach was paralyzed and used a wheelchair, but this was just at the start of World War II and all the able-bodied men were volunteering or being drafted, so they took what they could get. I think this man was probably one of the greatest influences on my dad—he would talk about him respectfully, and in awe that even though he couldn’t run around with the boys, he could show them how to play ball and win. Tough bunch of boys, they were, and they went on in a couple of years to march into Berlin and Tokyo.

On down a bit more and we passed over the Flat Creek Bridge over the Warrior River. There’s an old iron bridge that still stands there, and a newer concrete bridge beside it built during the late ‘60s. A bit further off to the left before you cross the bridge is an old wooden railroad trestle beside the river. My dad would stop down at the foot of it and let me “fish” in the little slough that ran under it into the main branch of the river. Never caught a thing.
A little beyond West Jefferson High School, when you see the reservoir for the power plant on your left, you take a very hard right--almost a U-turn--and find yourself in Twilleytown, a place which was signified at one time by a big railroad trestle which Bobby Adams once hit with his motorcycle. The trestle has since been torn down. Now you can see only the stumps of it and some scattered redrock. At that point you're almost home.
Yep, that’s it. We passed by, and my mom remarked, “That’s where the railroad trestle used to be.” I’ve mentioned it before, but you can tell how long a person’s lived in a certain place by how many times they mention landmarks that used to be someplace. Passed by the intersection for Reed’s Ferry Road, which is where the first house my mom and dad lived in stands. It’s also where my sister lived her first few years before they moved out to Forestdale. I think the old house was still back there, but there was a huge pile of brushy mess in front of where the road is, and we couldn’t see that far back.
It's a straight shot of about half a mile to Shanghi Baptist Church and Hardin's Grocery, which mark what is roughly the southern boundary of Shanghi.
Which is where Mr. Short’s tale starts, and mine…well, ends isn’t quite right, but I suppose it’s a stopping place for the moment.

The church yard was full of cars, not that it took that many to fill it up, but there were probably 40 or so. My aunt (nor any of the rest of us) are Baptist, and they went to church in Quintown (not Quinton, by the way), but this is where folks around here are buried. It looked to have just gotten through raining, and there was a small crowd milling around under a picnic shed. One elderly lady was standing there with an aluminum cane—“Well, Marie made it!”

Marie is one of my mom’s best friends from their early adulthood together. She and her husband used to get together with my mom and dad and go to the river and on vacations together and play canasta together. I always knew them as Fullernmaree—they were always together as a unit in my mind. It was also odd when I was old enough to figure out that “Fuller” was Fuller’s last name—it seemed so strange that anyone would not go by a perfectly good name like James.

Her husband died a few years after my dad. They had lived all over the place—Hueytown and Leeds then Hueytown again, then had moved back down to McCartytown (which is not even on the map) not long before he died. She has not been in the best of shape lately—she’s had two knees replaced, and she fell in her yard not long ago and broke her hip, then she later did something to her shoulder.

She quietly hugged my mom, then me and squeaked out a hello. And then suddenly, it was as if it was 30 years earlier—she straightened a bit, and her eyes sparkled like they did, and her voice returned strong. While not young, she had at least gotten back to something like the Marie I knew. She and my mom reminisced, caught up on who had done what, then she introduced my mom to another lady, tiny and pale, that she went to church with, and then there was another round of figuring out relations and kin.

Piles of names—Lantrips and Tuggles and Brasfields and Parkers and Gilberts and Rubies and Pearls and Lowreens, all somehow connected, none familiar, few still around, all talked about as if they were all still alive and kicking. Shook hands with my cousins (and figured out that chubby and prematurely grayheaded appears to not just be an isolated thing). Worked around the crowd a bit and shook hands with my one remaining uncle. He was looking pretty spry—I suppose he’s getting close to 80, still has a grip like a vise.

A few more folks arrived, and we walked on through the gate to the grave site, with my mom and Marie still figuring out the various genealogies. Simple service—prayer, short sermon, prayer. Just the way Aunt Juanita wanted it. She had been sick for a while after my uncle Orville (my mom’s oldest brother) died, and had been miserable without him to pester her. They lived a simple, plainspoken, hardworking life, but one full of love and kindness and great good humor and righteousness. Not a lot of tears were shed—I suppose most folks think we’re a rather peculiar bunch, but I come from a long line of folks who saw life as just a stop on the way to a better place. Death was not, and is not, the end. It simply marks the time when you can finally put down your pick and shovel, or the big dishpan full of beans to snap, and escape the pains and vagaries you’ve seen for so long. She was lonesome for her man, and she wanted very much to go see him. While everyone was sad to wish her goodbye, everyone was confident we’d see her again. I imagine this group would shed more tears to have to put their son or daughter on a plane and watch them fly off to live in California. Then again, California’s a lot further away.

After the last Amen, we stood around a bit and talked some more with some of her grandkids—good looking bunch of young folks, married now and starting families themselves. The last time I remember seeing most of them they were just about the age my kids are now. One of the girls brought her husband and baby—one of my aunt’s greatgrandsons. Tiny little fellow asleep on dad’s shoulder, oblivious to the still, humid air, or to the old scraggly mutt that came up during the sermon and decided to stay around and beg for pats on the head, or to anything else except for his thumb and whatever it was he was dreaming about.

We walked back down to the parking lot with them, and my mom got corralled by the little lady Marie had introduced her to earlier. Marie had to leave early because her legs were hurting, but this little lady was still trying to find out some more information about folks, so we stood around and tried to help her figure out the bloodlines. About then, the rain started to fall again, so we broke away and got back in the car and started back to Birmingham.

It rained buckets on the way back, and my mom out of necessity had to let up on the go-pedal a bit, which was just as well because the local constabulary was out in force all the way back. I teased her that they were looking for her from her earlier romp. “Aww, I don’t think they’re after me. Anyway, I could outrun ‘em.” Which made both of us laugh. Back to her office, where she dropped me at my van.

Quick hug and a kiss, and, of course, I told her I loved her. She’s a pretty fine mom, you know.

As for the weekend, I don’t know what’s planned, but for some reason I believe it will be very busy. Yeah, I know…go figure! So, I’ll be out of here in a bit, all of you have a good weekend, and I’ll see you Monday bright and early.


Thursday, June 12, 2003

Going to Shanghi

Well, this is it for today. I have a position audit this afternoon (the personnel board interviews you to see if you are properly classified for the work you do), and then tomorrow I will be picking up my mom from her work and we'll be driving down to Shanghi for my aunt's funeral. Juanita was my mom's oldest brother's wife; a fine and compassionate woman who lived a long full life and helped raise two of the finest men I know.

Simple graveside service, in a small old place that's not much more than a widening in the road. There is a fellow from there named Dale Short who made a book writer. This is his description of Shanghi.

See you all later tomorrow.



Father’s Day

The other day, Reba said Jonathan told her conspiratorially, “I know what Daddy wants for Father’s Day!”

What?

“He wants PEACE AND QUIET! But I don’t think he’s gonna get that.”

He’s been reared an honest little boy.

Despite fantastical wishes for various antique cars and watches and books, or for more practical stuff like tools or computer stuff, I don’t really want or need anything like that. A card’s fine, with a big hug. And a room cleaned up without being told—although that borders on fantasy also. In the end, lots of those storebought gifts for dad wind up being more frequently used by the giver anyway—“You think Daddy would like a new pack of Yu-Gi-Oh cards so he could challenge me to a card duel? Well, do you think we could get them for me instead then?”

It’s like that with everything I supposedly own. Just about the only thing I can claim as mine and mine alone are my guns and my underwear. And really I can’t even keep a good grasp on all of my underwear—anytime anyone needs a white tee-shirt to rip to shreds or paint for a school project, one (or several) manages to magically appear out of the Handsome Wooden Drawer Full of White Tee-Shirts That Don’t Belong to Anyone. (Probably one reason why underwear is such a popular gift this time of year.)

But, at least they do leave my briefs alone. Not that I can blame them.

And I don’t have a Mike Bradyesque home office to call my own, either. I think I would settle for a chair in the garage—but it’s so full of other people’s stuff that it resembles a mini-storage unit. Even “my side of the bed” gets used when certain wives of mine decide to assemble big folders full of stuff for work (I won’t tell which one in particular so as to keep her from getting mad at me). I have found that I can have some privacy in the downstairs restroom. I would call it a powder room—it just has a toilet and a sink—but that sounds too girly for such a he-masculine Fortress of Solitude. It’s nice and quiet and no one ever thinks to find me there, sitting all alone with my Fruits of the Loom and firearms. (Quite the mental image there, huh!)

So, a card and a hug is just fine.



If you just learn a single trick, Scout, you'll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.

Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird


Oscar-Winner Gregory Peck Dies at 87



And now, for something compleatly different...

Steven Taylor discusses the heartbreak of : monkeypox
Soon wall-to-wall Blondes (Hill, Martha and Scott Peterson (ok, he went back to brunette)) may give way to the summer of pox.

If we get really lucky someone will kidnap a kid infected with monkeypox, and the kidnapper will then be attacked by a shark on the way to see Gary Condit. It will be a newsapalooza--the cable news industry's dream summer. [...]
That somehow reminds me of the words of one of this country's greatest philosophers:
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
You know, that's just so true.

And let's just come right out and say it--Romeo and Juliet would be so much better with the line "a monkeypox on both your houses".

We now return you to your regular programme.





I have been neglectful…

It’s been a while since I last posted an excerpt of the tiny little gift of Everybody’s Writing-Desk Book, so I think I will now.

As you might recall, this little book was given to me as a Christmas present by Miss Reba (in a story worthy of O. Henry himself, my wife has no idea I write this journal, nor that I so often make mention of her; only that I like reading nifty old books). EW-DB has proved itself to be quite inspirational as a stylebook and handy desk reference, despite the fact that is was published in 1901.

In today’s entry, Charles Nisbet and Don Lemon discuss:
2. DEVELOPMENT OF STYLE IN POETRY AND PROSE.

Characteristics of Poetry.—Progress from the more complicate to the simpler construction is, however, much more conspicuous in prose than in poetry. The measure of poetry tends of itself to keep poetry within measure. True poetry, moreover, presupposes a degree of heat and light incompatible with unwieldy and obscure construction. The product of the poet, so far as poet, is organic. There is no poetry, unless so far as there is true harmony or rhythm. Nor is there any true harmony in sound, unless so far as there is harmony also in sense. Nor is there any harmony in a sentence nor in a succession of sentences, unless in so far as the words, clauses, and statements, whereof they are composed, are all in harmonious relation to one another, first in sense and therefore also in constitution, and therefore also in sound. As far as any Browning croaks foreign lore in verses jerky and obscure, so far is that Browning no poet, i.e., co-worker with Nature, creating all things anew and all answeringly to one another. Classics, telling images, happy words, there are none but such only as are the life of home and of to-day. Grateful to the whole man and all men is hale poetry. Poetry is the catholic man. In poet, soul and sense, meaning and form, are one.



Hawkeye Staters, Mark Your Calendars!

Via the Daily Iowegian--Possum Day pet parade, dance June 21
As part of the Appanoose County Possum Day events, a pet parade for all ages will be held on the Courthouse Square at 10:30 a.m. Saturday, June 21.

Sponsored by the Appanoose County Humane Society, prizes will be given to the cutest pet, largest and smallest pets, pet that looks most like its owner and most talented pet.

All dogs must be on a leash and ill tempered or aggressive pets should not be brought to the parade.

A dance and coronation of the Possum Day Queen will be held that evening at the Silver Spur on Highway 5 south of Centerville.

The winner is expected to be available to ride in the Pancake Day Parade.
High expectations, indeed!

Anyway, while you're in town, be sure to drop in and speak to Frank Reznicek, owner of Owl Pharmacy.



BURMA!!

Why'd you say Burma?

I panicked.



Former UK Star Adam Ant Arrested After Stripping
LONDON (Reuters) - Former British pop star Adam Ant (news) has been arrested after apparently running amok and stripping off in a London cafe.

Police said on Thursday they had arrested a 49-year-old man on suspicion of criminal damage, while The Sun newspaper showed pictures of the former 1980s heartthrob being held by two burly policemen, a blanket wrapped around his waist.

Newspapers said Ant, real name Stuart Goddard, had "gone berserk" near his north London home on Wednesday before stripping off his trousers in the cafe.

The outburst follows an episode last summer when he threatened customers at his local pub who had laughed at his cowboy attire. He walked free from court in October after judges ruled he was suffering from temporary mental illness. [...]
Must be a rather long temporary.



Steaming Pile Update

Well, after using the BRAND NEW BLOGGER for the past few days, I can say that it seems to be working much better than the old version. When I post something, it shows up right then, and the subsequent tide of error corrections to fix the stuff I posted gets posted just as quickly.

I still like the preview function--for some reason, seeing it in a slightly different form always makes finding mistakes easier. I don't know why. Maybe best of all is that it appears the Archive function and permalinks actually work now. AMAZING! And the three month string of posts that were lost in my archives (that I had to manually call up and link to rather than trying to fix whatever was wrong with the stupid thing) have now all been put back to where they were.

So, for everyone who has been put out by the mess that launched the obsessive-compulsive blogging behavior of a host of folks, it seems to be working better now. Oh, it may not be your fancy-schmancy Moveable Type, and BlogSpot may still have brainfarts in the coming months, but the worst aspects of Blogger may have FINALLY been put to rest. Maybe.

The migration process to change over users is still ongoing, I suppose, so there may still be some problems linking to folks if they have the older version. New Blogger has a much longer, 18 digit post or item number (or whatever you call it), that means the person is using the newer version.

For those trying to link to a specific post for someone using Old Blogger, remember that you can use the MommaBear Method--just copy down the post number and paste it in right after the name of the blog, without the intervening 2003_06_08_XXXblog_archive.html stuff. Doing this will get you to the post for at least as long as the item is displayed on the page.

So, there you go.



As Promised!!!

Early LAST week I promised you all the interesting addition of some tasty raw meat a new liberal member to fulfill our ongoing commitment to diversity and sensitivity and hand-holding and to have someone to buy us Dixie Chicks stuff so we don’t have to be seen doing it ourselves.

Now some of you may think this is rather shocking, but the Alabama Internet Writing Club and Quilting Society has absolutely no rule against liberals in the ranks, and in fact, some of the best things in life require leftists—NASCAR races all circle to the left, you wear your watch on your left wrist, the left lane is the fast lane, Tony Bennett never sang “My Heart’s Right in San Francisco”, you get up on a horse from the left, God loves a liberal giver, and as you know, the Left Behind books are real popular around here. Best of all, the left hand’s not supposed to know what the right’s doing, so everyone should get along just fine.

Anyway, we got this nice letter last week, and it is high time it was acted upon.

Mac Thomason referred me to you. I was just wondering if you would check out my blog and maybe link to it. You can put me in the 'Axis of Weevil' camp. The URL is: http://aminorityofone.blogspot.com

I think Blogger must be having some server capacity problems since they were bought out by Google as my page won't load on the first try sometimes. But really...there *is* a blog at that address, I promise! Thanks!

Michael Bowen
What a nice young man! But, again, having had some experience in the past with the more tender-skinned of those who are conservatively-challenged, I thought I might better advise him of what he might be getting into:
Hey Mike,

Thanks for writing--be glad to add you in, but be forewarned that Axis of Weevil members tend to be more than a little bit conservative--I've tried in the past to get some more liberal-minded folks to sign on, but they were rather put off by some of the folks on the roll. [Redacted portion describing the liberals which HAVE remained with the AoW—we do not wish to incite any unrest should anyone be ignored] so as long as you don't mind taking a dip in a swimming hole full of water moccasins, we'll be glad to have you. As with all potential AoW members, following are the OOOOOfficial Rules of Membership […]
Moments later came the reply--
Thanks for the link Terry. Yes, I'm finding out that being a liberal blogger in Alabama is a great way to be FLAMED on a regular basis.
HEE-hehehehe! ::snortcough:: I mean—That’s awful! Mean people suck.
I guess I'm really going to earn the title "A Minority of One." So be it...

And I actually do qualify for *most* of the rules. Thanks again and I'll be sure to drop in on Possumblog every once in a while.

- Mike B
Now who could deny the joys and benefits of membership in the Axis of Weevil to such a person!? (I have to admit that the link to Michael Moore’s site caused me to hyperventilate, but only because it reminds me once more of the slight the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences gave to Marty DiBergi by not awarding an Oscar to This is Spinal Tap as Best Documentary for 1984.)

SO THEN, by the power vested in me by the noted (and quite dead) Alabama socialist Helen Keller, the Cotton States Reptile Farm and Blog Writing Guild does hereby insert and install one Michael Bowen into the dreaded and formidable Axis of Weevil, with all of the rights, privileges, and heartache devolving thereto.

As with all new members, Michael will be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for his gigantic mud-grip-tired pickum-up truck, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

In addition to these wonderful items, Michael will receive one of our friend Jimmy's painted rocks (this is the guy-from-next-door Jimmy-not Jimmy in Accounting) to place at the end of his new driveway. As you all should remember, Jimmy (whose “condition” has been hampered by the constant rain lately) has branched out in his rock-painting business, and is now doing celebrity likenesses--he says the favorites so far are Shania Twain, Jesus, and his brother Todd. He has several of new Alabama head coach Mike Shula, also, but these are a bit iffy, because you can still see Mike Price under the top coat of paint.

Anyway, Mike, be sure to stop by Personnel to get your identification card made, and let Thelma in Purchasing sew the big scarlet letter L on your jacket.



Good night, Chet.

Good night, David.


David Brinkley Dies at 82

Now that was a newsman.



You know, typing minutes ain't all that bad...

Alex City man gets inside look at Iron Man
MICHAEL TOMBERLIN
News staff writer

It takes a 5-foot-6, 120-pound man to put a 56-foot, 71-ton god in his place.

Mike Nolen, a 21-year-old Alexander City welder, is that man.

Nolen's job is to climb inside the various pieces of Vulcan as they are assembled and tighten the bolts that hold the statue and internal steel frame together.

The Robinson Iron Corp. worker had the two things the job required he's a certified welder and he's small enough to fit into the nooks and crannies of the cast-iron statue and its new stainless-steel armature skeleton.

"I like this project," he said Wednesday after snaking himself around inside Vulcan's two legs. "It's different from anything I'll probably ever do again."

Once the initial bolts are in place, workers can come in and put in the external bolts. Then Nolen goes back to work inside the statue tightening all the rest of the bolts and doing welding in some places.

Nolen practiced his Vulcan work in numerous rehearsals in Alexander City, where Robinson Iron is based. The only difference in his work atop Red Mountain is he's having to do it on a 124-foot-high pedestal.

Some places are so tight and hard to get to, Nolen has to take off his shoes and hat and crawl in head-first.

His job won't get any easier. When it comes time to attach Vulcan's arms and head, Nolen will actually be perched on the skeleton inside the statue waiting for the pieces to be guided into place from the outside so he can climb up and put on the initial bolts inside. [...]
Quite frankly, I believe this kid has a pair of cast iron something-or-others that would make even Vulcan jealous.

Anyway, if you want, you can watch the work being done via this webcam. (The NBC13 one makes my browser windows get all squirrelly.)



Monkeypox redux

Sorry, but I just can't get the phrase "cheese eating surrender monkeypox" out of my mind.


Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Twenty years!? Seems just like yesterday...

Have yourselves a good time, Charles.

Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, eh!?



Monkeypox Fears Force Ban on Prairie Dogs

They'll take my prairie dog when they pry it from my cold dead hands!!

You know, this outbreak really is a serious matter, but it sure would have been easier to be all full of somber harrumphing if it wasn't called monkeypox, and you didn't catch it from prairie dogs.

(Of course, when you think about it, chickenpox is rather comical, too. And so is cowpox. They all lend themselves readily to a variety of Far Side-esque scenarios.)

It makes it sound like when you got touched by a girl on the playground in second grade and got cooties. Maybe if they called it Flying Monkeypox and had that spooky "OH-WEE-OH, WEE OHHH-OH" chorus playing in the background...that would be something.

Now the Black Death, buddy...THAT'S a serious disease!



Eww.

Got back about an hour ago from a brisk 16 block (8 down, 8 back) walk to go eat lunch with my prettier, girlier, better half--it is now getting to be much more summery--temp about 540°R, humidity about 60%. Not the day to wear a stylish dark gray, long sleeve dress shirt. Luckily there was a slight breeze, which tousled my sopping wet hair. Got back and looked like I had been riding in an industrial washing machine.

It's fun to walk around, though--I like to intercept conversations in passing. The best one of the day was as a nicely suited fellow was walking along with one of his female co-workers: "...Have you ever seen that movie Gone With the Wind?..."

I guess this was as opposed to, oh...that television show Gone With the Wind, or that advertisment for a lactose intolerance prevention product called Gone With the Wind, or that weird comedian named Gone With the Wind, or that car named Gone With the Wind.

Oh well, at least they weren't all nasty and sweaty like someone writing this.

Another fun thing to do was helping Miss Reba out to the parking deck with some boxes of her stuff for a meeting she's having tomorrow. (If nothing else, I am quite useful for toting stuff.)

She has recently changed garages, and the new one is part of a building renovation going on close to where she works. Neat old place that long ago housed the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce. Now it's being converted for offices and lofts, and alongside it is a vintage parking garage that is reputed to be the first multi-level one constructed in the city.

We walked through all the new construction and through all the old load-bearing masonry walls and heavy timbers of the loft building, then into the garage, which was about like walking into an ancient tomb. Solid concrete, with wonderful ceramic mosaic tile directional arrows inset into the floor slabs--"IN", "OUT"; dim old painted signs on the inside walls advertising the gas and oil station on the ground floor; and a glorious reminder of they days before OSHA--a man lift that went from ground to roof through a three foot diameter hole in all the floors. Wood platform to stand on, a hunk of metal to hold onto, some angle iron framework to hold it together. That's it. Scary looking as a guillotine, yet I can imagine some carefree, greasy kid jumping on it with the key to ride up to four and bring down Mr. Stoke's new Hupmobile. Cool old stuff.

Anyway, back to work.



I do...

...or rather, have been doing, a really pitiful job of keeping up with folks on the blogroll lately (due to my job of protecting the kudzu) and so I have missed out a bit on reading my favorite Kansan, Peg Britton--Miz Gore sent me over there just now for a good story Peg posted today about Doc Morrison.

He seems to have been, as we say, "a character".



Okay, now--all you people who started that 'Boycott France' crap--is THIS what you wanted!?

Woody Allen Becomes Pitch Man for France

Please, PLEASE--start grabbing up all the Froggy items you can IMMEDIATELY so this marketing reign of terror will end! You don't want them to use THIS do you!?

(I'll take several of these RIGHT NOW! if it will help...)



Blah blah blah!

It's getting to where these little regulatory meetings are beginning to sound like a meeting of all of the muted-trumpet adults in Charlie Brown's world--"Whuh whah wuh whah whah whah." Try transcribing the minutes of that!

And speaking of having to listen to what other people say...you know, you figure someone who is in the television news business would maybe listen to enough other television news people say things and get some sense of how a word should be pronounced. You know, too, television news anchors even consider themselves journalists of a sort, so what I heard this morning it makes it even more pitiful.

Getting dressed and watching the early news on our local NBC affiliate this morning--they were finally getting around to reporting the story about the Pulitzer Prizes organization reexamining the 1932 award for Correspondence granted to NYTimes Walter Duranty for his reporting of the Ukraine famine.

Think about the word Pulitzer. You've heard the name all your life. Big award deal they give to newsfolk, playwrights, composers. Sounds like poo'litsur. Maybe even pyOO'litsur.

Anchorchick: [paraphrasing] 'The pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize committee is reviewing...'

'...in 1932 a New York Times reporter was awarded the pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize...'

'...no pyoo-LITZ'-zer Prize has ever been revoked...'

Or as Les Nessman might say, "Chy Chy Rod-rig-weeze".

Maybe I'm wrong, but I believe a certain someone will never have to worry about getting one revoked.

(Hey, I'll certainly never have to return a Pritzker, either, but at least I can pronounce it.)

Anyway, enough mockery of local broadcasters--I have mwah-wah sounds to transcribe and my Silver Sow award to polish--I'll be back later.


Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Reader Jim Smith noted the post below about Lileks' new addition of old photos of city lights, which sparked some memories from his early days--Jim wanted to know what ever happened to the Alabama Theater. It's still here, and still going strong--here's a link to their online tour, which includes a nighttime photo of the wonderful restored electric sign on the front.



::little sniffly tears::--I have more workish stuff to do--and tomorrow morning will be another of those exciting bimonthly excercises of intrusiveness that requires me to be here at 7 and act all interested and awake. So, I must put up the toys and go do my homework.

See you all tomorrow, I suppose.



Billy Joe Bob adds some links

They are, however, not sausages. And the chips don't have ridges, either. And the eternal dwelling place is muchly complicated if you have dual points (likewise if you don't have a dwell meter). And Elroy learns new cuss words.

Go. Read.



Climbing Back Up

Two big iron feet are now in place as my big nekkid-butted buddy Vulcan is reassembled on top of his pedestal. The local NBC station and FOX station both have webcams trained onto the project, and I assume that they will stay in operation until the process is complete.

The folks in charge say he should be all finished by Friday if the weather holds up.

Good to have him back in place--if nothing else than as a poke in the ribs of John McCain.



Martha Stewart Mug Shot, Fingerprints Taken Quietly

Arranged artfully on a 5 inch by 7 inch buff-colored card, each fingerprint was made using special permanent ink produced by an elderly Chinese gentleman, Gi Xian in the village of Xiungu, where he takes lampblack (produced by the slow burning of a rare bamboo plant that grows in only one mountainous region near Manchuria) and carefully mixes it with precious aromatic gums and the oily ear secretions of the giant panda. The mixture is allowed to age for 10 years, after which it is prepared for sale. Each 5 gram cube is wrapped in rice paper decorated with caligraphy and handdrawn images of Qin, the first emperor of China, and tied with a small ribbon of pure silk. Ground upon a small granite mortar, the pigment is mixed with a drop of rice wine and distilled rainwater and applied to a small stamp pad, where each finger is then gently placed and then pressed upon the fingerprint card. Afterwards, a tea ceremony is conducted beside the water cooler leading to the Forensics Lab storage room.

It's a good thing...





Oooh--Sparkly!

'Nother new section for the Institute of Official Cheer--A Salute to Bygone Signage!

(Just a tip, Mr. Lileks, but us old codgers with antiquated, non-robust browsers and severe myopia and astigmatism can barely make out the dim red lightbulb titles and directional buttons--change the bulbs to some white ones, or better yet, get some of that new-fangled neon.)

THIS JUST IN--An update from Possumblog's Land of 10,000 Lakes Correspondent Toni Albani, who by virtue of living up on The Range gets to listen in to Mr. Lileks when he does Hugh Hewitt's radio show:
Yesterday, in talking about Hillary's book Lileks comes up with this droll comment: Of course she was gasping for air; any middle aged, out of shape woman would be gasping for air after beating her husband senseless.
Indeed.

Anyway, thanks to Toni for sending that in, even though she may protest that it's only a paraphrase, it is certainly less made-up than some things that you might read in the paper!



The new Blogger is here!! The new Blogger is here!!

Got here and logged in this morning and was met with a BRAND NEW EDIT SCREEN! Cool! And then there's THIS little gem:
You're using Blogger LoFi.

This version of Blogger has been designed for web browsers that lack robust Stylesheet and/or DHTML capabilities.

We're sorry if you reached this page in error ...Soon we'll allow you to over-ride the automatic re-direction.
WOW! I feel so antiquated--so weak...so low fidelity and non-robust!!

Of course, even if it's the ALL NEW DANO software, it's still Blogger, so I expect it to break soon. Or lose my archives. Or have a server explosion. (Their servers seem to be constructed along the same blueprints as old steamboat boilers. For a while thare it seemed like they were losing a Sultana every week.)

Then again, it might just work fine. Hard to tell. I like the preview function. The buttons now put in "strong" for "bold", and "em" for "italic", which is new, and different, yet still somehow a rather useless innovation. You know, it would be nice if they had more little buttons to do underline and strikeout and super- and subscripts and blockquotes and change font sizes or faces and junk like that.

But that's okay, I don't need this stuff. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.



Why I love the South.

Middle Girl had a soccer try-out last night, so after a couple of weeks of blessed relief, it was once more to the park to sit around for a few hours. Three to be exact--they went through an array of skills and games and exercises, and didn't get finished until 9.

One little scrawny 11 year old girl came up the hill after it was all over--all braces and glasses and freckles and pigtails (she looked almost exactly like Eliza Thornberry)--and she plopped down on the sidewalk with a water jug and said with great gusto, "Whew! Man--I'm WHUPPED!"

No where else, my friends, would you get that sort of combination but here .



Corrections and Clarifications:

From the stalwart defender of Mississippi, Patrick Carver of the Ole Miss Conservative comes the following:
Dear Terry,

Howdy from Patrick Carver! I hope you and your's are doing well. Now, with pleasantries aside... ;-)
Uh-oh.
In your recent post entitled "Thanks, Fritz" you make the comment, "Yeah, Windows XP is just wonderful--but in the end, it's still just a fancy version of MS DOS." I'm afraid, sir, that this is incorrect and, quite frankly, I expected better from the Opossumus Maximus of the Axis of Weevil.
Well, right now I believe we have found the source of the problem--never expect better.
You could call Windows 3.1, 95, 98, and the accursed Millenial Edition (ME) fancy versions of MS-DOS, since, well, that's what they were. However, XP isn't MS-DOS based. Beginning with Windows NT, Microsoft created a new and more stable kernel, which is the operating system's core.
I feel so...so...unconcerned. Remember, computers and I are not really that compatible, so anything that says Windows on it says to me that it will occasionally have to be given the Three Finger Salute to unfreeze it and it's still gonna have a C:\ and a flashing cursor somewhere in the mix, which seems DOSsy enough for me.
That's right, all this a-maizing technology is controlled by corn. "A-maizing"! get it? Boy, I'm too clever.
By half.
Anyway...NT begat Windows 2000 which begat XP which begat a lot of money for Mr. Gates. Hopefully this explanation with [sic] clarify things for you.
Yeah, yeah--XP is not a fancy version of DOS...

It's a SUPER fancy version, much like a Karmann Ghia, or a McDonald's with an indoor PlayLand.
And now for some reason, I feel like "Nick Burns, Your Company's Computer Guy." http://www.nwfusion.com/columnists/2000/0117cooler.html

Ta-ta for now,
Patrick Carver
Thank you, Patrick, for bringing this to our attention. The Possumblog Editorial Staff stand ready to make corrections of any substantive factual errors in the content herein. We ask that in this instance the offending two-letter suffix be seen more as an artistic foil rather than as indicative of actual performance or construction of the computer hardware and/or software in question. We do beg your indulgence at our obvious lack of technical knowledge and remind each of you that this journal is composed using a Tandy 5000.


Monday, June 09, 2003

Oh, good night, Irene--he left, and now he's back, jabbering, jabbering--I am ignoring you!! Please go away--he's yammering about "Monster House" on cable--something about a house for race fans--must...not...slap...him

My better angel from Vidalia stays my hand:
Hon,

Restrain yourself. You have to be on very, very good terms with your boss to get away with that. I know because I did it once -- both the slapping and the survival. But they'll never let you get away with it at a government office. Have to requisition the National Guard for that.

Janis
Hmm. Maybe so...but after he got back, and went through the synopsis of the entire show, complete with sound effects and his own laughter at every single syllable, he got to the point of why he came into my office in the first place twenty minutes earlier.

Holding up a sheet of legal-sized paper with hand-drawn columns and scrawly headings, he asked: "Is there any way that I can make this form using Microsoft Word, AND make it to where the paper is arranged like this." ::holding sheet sideways::

::sigh:: "Well, yeah, Laughing Boy [not his real name], you just--"

"WAIT A MINUTE!! I have to go use the restroom!"

"WAIT A DANGED MINUTE YERSELF--come here and let me show you this since you're here!!" So he walked over to the side of my desk, HOLDING THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS LIKE A SMALL CHILD, and stood there as I showed him the magical steps of File--Page Setup--Paper Size--Legal--Landscape and the wondrous technology of Insert Table. "TABLE!! YEAH!! THAT WAS IT!! I couldn't remember what that was!!" Still holding his little public servant.

"You can go now--you're making me uncomfortable in the work environment."

Starts laughing, wants to SIT DOWN AND START TALKING AGAIN!!

GO PEE, LAUGHING BOY!

Now then, with that in mind, are we all sure a few slaps across the back of the head would be so very wrong?

UPDATE--Miss Janis says I should remember the little children and pretty wife I have at home who would become wards of the state upon my incarceration. ::sigh:: What about a little accident? They do that on The Sopranos all the time. OH WAIT!! Why didn't I think of this earlier!? ::slaps self vigorously upon back of head in the manner he had proposed earlier:: I'll just play dead!! What good's writing something called Possumblog if I can't play dead! He'll come in, paw over my carcass, then leave! Brilliant! Thank you, Janis, for helping me to use my creative talents to avoid workplace strife!



Bush Adamant Iraq Had Banned Weapons 'Program'

Reuters Adamant it is 'News' 'Organization'



U.K. Scientist May Have Found Nefertiti Mummy

But are disappointed to find it is only Camilla Parker-Bowles...



Is it wrong...

for you to do serious physical harm to a co-worker whom you don't really like that much, but who seems to think that the best place to come and chat is in YOUR office, about stuff that only he finds hilarious, which is obviously disturbing enough, but who also then proceeds to take a cell phone call as he sits across the desk from you and he WON'T leave, and makes little "hold on just a minute and I'll talk to you more after I'm off the phone" signs with his fingers, even after it becomes apparent that I am ignoring him and typing something bad about him on my blog? Is that wrong?



The Big Game

So, then, the weekend. As I mentioned, it was tough and the other guys, gotta give ‘em credit, really put up a good fight, but in the end we were able to do what we had to do. We made some mistakes, but we also played hard, and were able to overcome that and execute our game plan. Oh, and hi, Mom!

Anyway, good weekend, even if I only got twelve hours of shuteye. In case you missed it, I even managed to work in a late update Friday evening with pictures of Chet the E-Mail Boy and the story of the thrilling trip with Middle Girl to the glasses place—scroll down to Friday. (No, I don’t trust BlogSpot links, either.)

Saturday was running around day—got up early and loaded a bunch of stuff into the back of Franklin to take over to the charitable donation place. For some reason, Rebecca got up early and dug out some of our old videotaped home movies and was watching them as we loaded stuff—wow, twelve years sure goes by fast—oh, and there’s the old house, and there’s the swing set when it was new, and there’s Oldest when she was tiny, stomping an ant on the octopus-shaped plastic merry-go-round.

The same octopus-shaped plastic merry-go-round that had just gotten loaded onto the back of the truck.

I am such a big squishy. They are way too big to ride the thing now, and it just takes up space in the backyard, and the underside of it serves as a convenient breeding pond for the mosquitoes—it was way past time to get rid of it, but doggone it, it sure hurt to put in the truck. I thought about it all weekend, and obviously am still thinking about it. All those little feet and hands and bumps and bites. All that “Push me, Daddy—FASTER!”

It’s just a nasty piece of silly blue plastic, you know. And the little center pivot rusted away a long time ago—I picked it up and the top came off, just like that.

Got it and the other bags of no-longer-coveted toys over to the collection place and the guy took it and the rest of the old toys and slung them inside of a big trailer. WHAMBump! He probably didn’t know any better—they try to hire folks who are handicapped, so it probably didn’t register with him when he slung another sack back there and it crashed with that sound that toys make when they break. Just a donation pickup. It was hot already, and he didn’t want to be there, and it’s just old junk to him. Christmases and birthdays and Easters and trips to the store and silly stuff from burger joints. At least we can still watch the tapes.

Finished unloading and breaking stuff and came on back toward home—next chore on the list was to get the oil changed in the truck. 3,000 miles comes around slowly since I don’t drive it that much—in this case it took almost two years. Drove in to the little place down at the foot of the hill (it seems like every time I write about a place I go, it’s just down at the foot of the hill, but they all are) and pulled over the pit. Couple of young guys up top—ball caps pulled down hard, one with a tattoo on his arm that in his old age will cause him to question his sanity at having it done. He was, however, suitably impressed—“What’s y’mileage on there, sir?”

“Two hundred fifty six, six seventy eight, and eight-tenths.”

“This’n sure paid for itself.”

“Yep, more or less.”

See, told you he was impressed. He and his pit man finished up, I cranked it and proceeded to fill the establishment with the rich, blue bouquet of burning oil as the stuff I just bought squeezed past the big gaps in the rings. Top it off a bit, close the hood, and I was back up the hill.

Came inside and the rest of the kids were watching the old home movies—Catherine was fascinated that these brutes who boss her around were once the same size as her. I was fascinated by the gigantic, swirly-framed glasses Reba had on. Eww. Not that I would ever tell her that. But those were some unflattering glasses. Girls used to wear these things—loopy legs that attached at the bottom side of the frame, bits of wire going all which way, giant upside-down rhomboid shaped lenses. And me? Aside from having more gray hair, I looked just like I look now, which is just how I looked when I was in college, which is just how I looked in high-school. I was, however, a very cute baby.

Went outside to see what all had to be done. First order of business was to fill up the bird feeders—I am very close to declaring victory over the squirrels and nasty wet seeds. The new feeders we got had just a tiny bit of icky seed in the bottom and have proved themselves much more irritating to the furry-tailed rats than anything else we’ve had. They seem to have decided to take the bait on the ground, although there is now the addition of Kelly the Bunny to the mix.

We’ve been seeing pretty regularly a rabbit hopping across the street when we come in at night, and as with all woodland creatures beside the road, Catherine decided it was her friend and needed a name. For some sort of lingual reason, every name is a variation on the cute-sounding hard-K-with-long E-suffix school of naming: Kristy, Keekee, Kandy, Kimmy. She has about five or six of these, and every animal has one of them. “Look, Cat—there’s a Canada goose by the pond!” “Thas my friend Kasey.” Never once is there a Bob.

So, our mystery bunny is Kelly. I walked out and Kelly had made itself at home beside the stump under the maple tree and quickly bounded off into the thin line of undergrowth at the back property line when I started making the rounds. “Don’t worry, little bunny rabbit—I’m not going to hurt you!” (Unless there’s a complete breakdown of the monetary system and I have to start putting some wild meat in the pot, and then all bets are off. Tell your little squirrel buddies, too.) All the feeders were in good shape, and even better, the little mousey-sorts had not been able to get into the plastic bucket of seed! Why I didn’t think about using a plastic bucket earlier is beyond me.

Got done with that, then trimmed up the rose bushes, which have needed to be pruned for about a year now. That in order, I figured I might better check the trees for bugs. The last two years have been really bad for Japanese beetles, and they nearly ate up Catherine’s cherry tree and Rebecca’s sycamore tree last year. This year I hadn’t seen any, but when I walked over, sure enough, the danged things were back again. I thought that maybe I was going to escape the plague since we bought a Honda, and there are like six or seven Japanese families in the neighborhood, but none of this seemed to matter.

Luckily, my vigilance did pay off this season, because they had just started chomping on the sycamore and had not moved on to the cherry. So it was back into Franklin, and back down to, where else? That’s right, the foot of the hill, to the hardware store for a nice bottle of thick, creamy liquid death. Yummy Sevin Concentrate—MMmmm-MM!

Sprayed everything is sight, and the bugs started dropping like…well, the obvious metaphor is just too obvious. Umm, let’s see…they started dropping like pants at an orgy. There, that’s better. Anyway, bugs suitably terminated, then it was time to dig in the dirt some.

Mexican heather, then some other blue stuff and some white stuff. Thirty-some pots, and right in the middle, I ran out of potting soil.

Franklin—foot of hill—hardware store—dirtbag.

I sometimes wonder if the cashiers ever get weirded out by the amount of times I come in and buy one thing, then come back in an hour and buy one more thing. Nothing to worry about, girls. Honest. (Although I will confess that I would be more likely to combine trips if they looked like Abe Vigoda, but hey. OOH THAT WAS WEIRD...when I first posted this, the link led to a picture of Abe Vigoda--I just now checked it and it was a photo of Britney Spears!! How odd--and the fact that the girls look like this is the reason I make so many trips in the first place! Anyway--the link has now been fixed to display properly the glories of Abe.)

Get back, dig, mix, plant—repeat until the rain started. ::sigh:: Good for the plants, not so much so for the stuff I sprayed on the Japanese beetles. Sat there in the rocking chair and watched it rain, and nodded off for what turned out to be a rather long while, then woke back up and the sun had come back out and the skies had cleared up again.

Get out bug spray, pour, mix, spray—repeat until woozy. Clean up mess, then get back to planting the remainder of the greenery. By the time I was through, I was tired. Really! So what better way to relax than to go BACK down the hill (this time to the grocery store, where there is a completely different group of cashiers who get frightened by my stalker-like behavior) where I picked up some ground up cow—got back, sprinkled them with seasoning, threw them on the fire, stood around, watched the hummingbirds, turned them over (the hamburgers, not the hummingbirds) and stood around some more. Eat, then get the kids going on their baths, and then time for the final episode of back-breaking labor, in which I try to figure out what’s wrong with the refrigerator.

Silly thing’s been slowly getting warmer, although until Friday the freezer part had been working. Saturday even it stopped working right, with the backside frosted over, but no cold air coming out. Although this has all the hallmarks of one of our typical appliance disasters, we were fortunate to have a small refrigerator upstairs that held most of the perishable stuff, so it wasn’t so pressing to have to get it fixed or replaced RIGHT NOW!

Slid it out, took off the cardboard compressor/fan screen on the back (nothing says protection like cardboard) and was met with huge piles of sticky, fluffy dust bunnies large enough to have made six of Kelly the Real Bunny. An hour and two different attachment-enhanced vacuum cleaners later, I had managed to get most of the coils cleaned off—my speculation was that the coils were so well insulated they couldn’t shed enough heat to keep the refrigerator cool, and the compressor kept running the whole time in an effort to make it cold, which made the freezer coils ice over. At least, that’s my theory. The ice machine did start making ice again, and the compressor finally did cycle off, but the refrigerator is still tepid. ::sigh:: Something else to spend non-existent disposable income on.

Dragged myself upstairs, showered, and got ready to…do class schedules! I finally got in bed around 1:30. And back up at 6. It sure didn’t seem like a whole 4 1/2 hours, though.

Got up, took another shower because I had messed my hair up so bad in that short time, molested Reba some, made breakfast, and then got us all in the van for church. Gorgeous day again Sunday, and we did indeed see the flock of Canadian geese by the pond, and Cat proceeded to name them and sing them a song at top volume. Which is cute, I suppose, but when it’s right there in your right ear, and it lasts for twenty minutes, it can be a bit distracting.

Got to the building, had to sub for a teacher who was out, then refereed the wrestling competition on our bench during worship, which makes you sometimes wish less for worship than for a warship. I have come to the conclusion that I need a set of four radio collars. Not for them to listen to—the kind they use for bird dogs. TZZZZAAAAAP! Probably wouldn’t have to use it more than once or twice.

Hmm? Pardon? This would be illegal!? Well, what about a muzzle? THAT TOO!? Sheesh!

Maybe we should just sit in the back. Of the parking lot.

Oh well. As evidenced by a stack of home movies, they’re only young once, so I hope and pray they grow out of the necessity to have public displays of sibling animosity.

Went and ate some Chinese food for lunch, then went to both the Wal- and K-Marts for Stuff We Needed, then back home where the kids helped put together some little bags of mints as gifts for folks visiting church, then went back up to the building for someone’s baby shower, then the kids did some more little gift things. By this time the place was fully of hyped-up rug rats whose parents had dropped them off and gone back home, so the volume was getting unbearable. I got Cat and we went to the auditorium, where I promptly fell asleep and drooled on my tie.

Evening worship came and went—I had to lead singing, which sounded like someone who had ingested large doses of a 1-napthyl methylcarbamate-based pesticide and baby shower mints. That finished, we stayed around and had some ice cream with the kids, then it was back to home, then to bed, then to here, where I am once again, very, VERY busy.

But not too busy to bore you with what you just got through reading!



Believe it or Not...

...but my daughter Rebecca can do this, too.

It's horribly grotesque, yet mildly entertaining.

(I wonder where she gets THAT from.)



Thanks, Fritz!

Fritz Schranck over at Sneaking Suspicions was kind enough to give Mac Thomason and me a link on his commentary about the New York Times piece which examined our state's new $1.2 billion tax proposal.

I wrote back to Fritz to thank him for the plug, and then got all long-winded. After I finished, I figured it would make a pretty good post, so here's my take on the Salvation of Alabama, Volume 312--

Our taxation problems (in addition to everything else we have wrong) has been an ongoing source of frustration.

The tax proposal put forth by Riley does attempt to ameliorate some of the more pernicious aspects of our system of revenue, but in the end, a far more destructive and divisive problems exists in our 1901 Constitution--from whence all this mess sprang. Unfortunately, piecemeal reform is only treating the symptoms of the problem (inequitable taxation and insuring an adequate level of funding for the public good), actually fixing the state can only be done by fixing the source of its woes.

This has been difficult to do for a variety of reasons, the most obvious of which is that a small group of persons in power control the means by which the Constitution can be altered or rewritten. They, and their cohorts in the lobbying industry, benefit mightily from the inherent patronizing unfairness and bigotry of the document, and any attempt at reform on a fundamental level has been beaten down. Repeatedly. Even the current tax proposal, for all the talk of historic reformation, is nothing that shows REAL political leadership, in that it is only a package for a voter referendum.

The Democrats (who comfortably control both Houses of the Legislature, along with every seat of state power except the governancy) see this as a way to win politically, no matter what happens in the voting booth--if it passes, they can say it was only with their efforts that they managed to help push it through. If it doesn't pass, they can deflect public criticism from themselves by either pinning it entirely on pony-riding, Billion Dollar Bob Riley (Filthy Stinkin' Republican), or by saying that they agreed only to put it to th' voice o'the people--not truly wanting to raise taxes on us po' folks, but rather wantin' to let us'ns have a say.

If this package truly is one that is necessary, it could have been adopted legislatively without first filtering it through a referendum--true leadership would have required representatives to put some of their political capital on the line in defense of their decisions, rather than being able to sit back and remain fat and happy no matter which way the electorate votes.

If this package truly is our salvation, what's supposed to happen if it doesn't pass the referendum?

There is no plan B.

Riley, I'm sure, sees the package as necessary given the financial mess the state's in, (and there should be no debate that it is well and truly in a mess) but his flaw are his statements proclaiming this as true reform. In fact, though, it's just shifting the burden around--it works within the existing framework of state codes which got us here in the first place.

Yeah, Windows XP is just wonderful--but in the end, it's still just a fancy version of MS-DOS.

The powerful few who benefit from the current situation (aided and abetted by the 1901 Constitution) will continue to benefit, at the expense of everyone else. No one seems to want to admit why it is we have had near continual fiscal crises, and we keep pouring money into a system that continually fails its us.

We are blessed with an incredible wealth of natural resources and talented, capable people. It is inexcusable that we allow it all to be squandered by (and upon) a group of individuals who work harder on crafting legislation to make the blackberry the state fruit than on representing our best interests.

Then again, that's just my two cents worth.



Despite the dire predictions...

...of East Carolina reader Jim Smith that the weekend would beat me by eleven points, I am proud to say that I managed to eek out a 3 point victory! Of course, I'm sore and stiff, but it's still one in the W column. Details later--right now I have to go to our Monday morning staff meeting so I can get some sleep. See you in a bit.


Friday, June 06, 2003

What a derned week.

You know, I really have no reason to complain—there are probably about 6,183,891,472 folks who would gladly swap places with me. Sitting around listening to my betters prevaricate and spin wonderfully fluffy meringues of mendacity for hours on-end certainly beats picking through a smoldering trash dump scrounging for old circuit boards or being the former editor of a once well-respected newspaper.

But still, it’s human nature to carp about the high school kid on the ladder above you who gets a million bucks to wear a particular brand of sneakers. I mean, I would wear ‘em too, and I’d do it for HALF that price!

Oh well.

It’s not so bad having a little stress, anyway—everybody thinks the caveguys had it easy, but you know, living with the potential for being eaten by a saber-toothed tiger while you’re minding your own business hunting a quiet place in the woods to take a dump was probably pretty stressful. Although, it’s unlikely the Committee of the Hole had to call a meeting to discuss the possible environmental impact of Thag leaving one of his brown bombers by Big Meeting Rock.

“Why did we call this meeting?”

“Thag wanted go make dirt, but he has issued an objection to using the specified facility due to his being scared of a saber tooth—basically, he doesn’t want to have to go all way to river to read.”

“Saber tooth tiger? We’ll call it an S.T.T. for the report. Reminds me of funny story, stop me if you’ve heard it…two women walk into cave, ask the shaman for a cucumber and a club…”

“Whoa, Ugh—we have business. You can tell it later. Now, Thag needs a place to release evil, but you guys all know the Big Meeting Rock is sacred--we let him stink that up, and then we have to let every other Grok, Muk, and Larry do it. Then the whole neighborhood’s gonna get mad. Why not go some other place, Thag?”

“Look, I just had some real bad meat—I think Grug’s dog licked it or something—and I’ve got go bad to someplace SAFE. Everywhere else is STT-rich because Eeeg seems to be dropping the ball on security.”

“WAIT JUST MOMENT, Eeeg just last week chase away two lizards from Village Tree—you no say me not do good watch!!”

“Well, Eeeg, I’m sure Thag did not mean it THAT way. Thag’s just upset about the STT situation he thinks he see.”

“No thinking about it! Just last week, I saw a gigantic one over by the path to the Wal-Mart!”

“Hmph...Eeeg think we should empower Thag to do own security!”

“Hold on, we’re still not on to business—too many personal issues are coming into the game now. I’m going to put the moose on the table…”

“Wait…before we Speak With Moose, I need a coffee refill.”

“Coffee…that reminds me of a funny story…”

“Hey, late during the last cycle of sun, did we not have an item on agenda about doing QA on the spears?”

“What? What’s that got do with this? And where are YOU going?”

“I heard my secretary—wait and let me see what she wants…”

“Anyway, the deal with spear QA doesn’t have anything to do with Thag, except that Kug distributed the report last month, and I didn’t get a copy, which is like, the second or third time I wasn’t distributed, and I don’t like being unlooped on this.”

“Where’s Thag?”

“Dunno…said something about it being easier to get forgiveness than permission and then he left…anyway, about this STT infestation…”

Anyway, me tired. Me want to konk wife on head and crawl in between bear skins with her and dream for at least seven sunrises. Hmm? Oh, me know…me already dreaming silly dream.

Did get to have lunch and swap car magazines with My Friend Jeff™ today, which was a nice break. We went over to the new Backyard Burger place in Cahaba Heights, which used to be the Mountain Brook Café, which used to be Schlotsky’s Deli, which used to be Jack’s Hamburgers. (Of course, Cahaba Heights used to be New Merkle, so I guess it's apropos. Although I have always wondered where Old Merkle was.) Pretty good burgers which, according to all the marketing ephemera, taste just like you cooked them in your backyard—which is not really that appetizing when you consider most of the time when you fix them in your backyard you have meat that is burnt outside, raw inside, and sprinkled with bits of grass clippings and sand from where you dropped it on the patio and couldn’t get it all washed off.

But these were pretty good, as I said—mine had bacon on it so as to keep the old cholesterol at its rich peak, and Jeff had what they call a Hawaiian Chicken sandwich, which I assume meant that instead of being cooked on a grille it was charred atop a volcano as a sacrifice to Pele. An added benefit that you don’t get at home is having to pay six bucks to a freshly-scrubbed high school girl for your sandwich. (At least not at my house.)

We covered all the normal topics—the ever-increasing speed of our descent into a vile and curmudgeonly middle age; cars; wives; in-laws; kids—they’re going to have their third child in late November. He is coming to the same realization I had after Boy was born—once you have more than two kids, you have to switch from man-to-man to zone, and it’s a totally different game. It’s much faster, and if you play it right you can make it work. People will be in awe of your talent and come to you and want to know how you manage to do all you do and still have time to hook rugs. Slip up for even a minute, though, and there’s a TV crew outside your house and you wind up on COPS. Parenthood is definitely not for amateur players. And even worse, you can’t get a shoe deal out of it.

We covered our dweeby dorkiness; the Wal-Mart Vision Center Guy; architecture—you might remember a couple of weeks ago when I wrote about a church we visited that had a multi-use building for both their sanctuary and gymnasium. My Friend Jeff™ called these sanctuasiums, or, alternately, gymuaries. I like gymuary better, mainly because it hasn’t hit Google yet, and most of the time the gym function takes precedence in use over that of sanctuary. In either case, they remain less like the brunch, and more like the spork of ecclesiastical architecture. Can’t pick anything up with the tines, and soup leaks right out the end.

Onward then, we covered guys who are martinets with thick, cow-pie-looking shocks of Seventies-style middle-parted hair on their oversized-in-relation-to-their-tiny-body heads, and who wear huge, ugly, Harry Caray glasses in order to look like they’re all cool and everything. (This is not a real person. Really. Any similarities between this description and persons which might be known to either of us is purely coincidental. Really.) We discussed Our Friend Mike™, who is probably somewhere in Florida teaching scuba diving or attached to a bong, or a hooker, or various combinations thereof; Delta Burke; cars (again); the Tooth Fairy—I related to him the incredible saga from Monday evening when I had to pull Catherine’s tooth.

It (her bottom incisor) has been wiggly for two weeks now, and by George, she was going to have it out Monday or bust. So, everyone got their baths, and I got her jammies on her and plopped down on the toilet lid to commence the turmoil. I knew, having already gone through this with the other three that it was not going to be particularly sweet and charming. Got a wet cloth—“You SURE you want me to pull it?”

Vigorous head nod, “Yes, sir, Daddy—I wants it out so’s the Toofairy will give me a dollar!”

That danged chick and that fat Santa Claus guy are gonna break me. “Okay, come’ere and let’s see—you know this is going to hurt a little don’t you?”

Look of absolute incredulity...“Really!?” I didn’t want to scare her, especially now that I had her within Vise-Grip range—“Well, yeah, a little bit, sweetie, but if you don’t want to….”

Determined look, open mouth, “ ‘ull ih, ‘addy.”

Grab it, and the struggle ensues. In a tale worthy of a Hemingwayesque, wizened-native-fighting-a-fish story, I pulled and wiggled and teased and jiggled and tugged and torqued and rented a crane in a vain effort to get the silly thing to come out. The tooth, that it. Then, in the middle of that mess, the tornado sirens sounded because there was a line of storms that had just entered the other side of the county.

Rain, thunder, lightning, sirens, and the loudest thing of all—“BWAHHHHHH, ::sniff:: BwwahuhuahWAAAAAAHHhhhh—the TORDANO’S going to get us, Daddy! I SCARED O’THE TORDANO!”

“OH, just go to bed!”

“BUT I WANT THE TOOFAIRY TO COME!”

“Then HUSH!”

“BUT IT HURTS!!”

“Then GO TO BED!!”

“BUT I WANT THE TOOFAIRY TO COME!!”

“Then let. Me. Pull. Your. Tooth.”

“BUT I SCARED O’THE THUNDER!”

You get the picture.

I plopped her on our bed and showed her on the TV screen where the big part of the storm was and where we were—which was a big leap of faith to think that a six year old had assimilated enough abstract thinking skills to understand the concepts of scale and substitution, but understand she did. She finally got quiet again and started pushing and pulling on the offending dentition with her tongue. After a while, I asked again if I could pull on it, this time with the proviso that I would do so slowly.

“You’ll pull it slow and not fast?” A healthy skepticsm, in light of the previous hour.

I got my wet washcloth again and just held onto the tooth with some steady pressure, and being a particularly squigglesome little girl, a moment or two later she was trying to yank her head around to see something on the television, at which time her head swiveled and left the tooth neatly in my grip.

“There it is!”

“You pulled it!? That didn’t hurt!!”

::sigh:: We wrapped it up and put it on her nightstand—the tooth pillow is hiding somewhere in the house and I didn’t feel like staying up another minute to look for it. She hit the sack and was out in about five minutes, and sure enough, some time in there the Tooth Fairy came in and exchanged lucre for enamel, and the world was pretty much okay.

Got through with our lunch and sorta sat there musing about going back to work, something neither of us were really up for. But, you know…gotta go.

Got back here, shoveled out a few more stables full of the junk that got dropped on me yesterday afternoon—I didn’t really mind the seven millisecond advance notice—I try to be ready to go whenever. I didn’t even mind so much that it interrupted me right in the middle of lunch—won’t hurt me to miss a few meals. But, oh lordy me, having to sit there through an interminable presentation by a person who repeatedly repeated the same redundant things and then went back and repeated them repetitiously over and over again just about drove me INSANE. Two hours, and everything of substance could have been said in about five minutes. Over the phone. And then there’s this whole deal where I keep getting tagged at “the guy in charge” when in fact I have absolutely no control over ANYTHING to do with the process. The whole thing has been sliced and diced and discussed by the thousand or so folks further up the food chain—hands have been shaken, backs have been slapped, knowing winks have been exchanged—and none of it involved my hands, back, or eyelids. Grr. Oh well, nothing like a little exercise. Even if it is an exercise in futility.

Maybe this weekend I’ll get some rest.

Hee. As if. There’s six flats of tiny little droopy plants to bury, and piles of clothing to wash, and class schedules and student rolls and teacher assignments for church to fix, and children to wrassle, and a butterfly rug to finish hooking, and another loose tooth to extract, and stuff and things and all that. Oh, and I have to go pick up a pair of glasses from Wal-Mart this afternoon. Middle Girl had to go in for her eye appointment yesterday, and sure enough, it was time for an upgrade. So, I get to go see my buddy again, half finger and all.

SO THEN, as I wrap it up here, maybe next week I’ll have a bit more time to play on the computer and chatter and get around to adding another weevily blogger to the roll, and maybe that shoe deal with Nike will come through, too.

Until then, have yourselves a great weekend!

OOPS! Almost forgot--here's a picture of Chet the E-Mail Boy back in the day (when he actually was just a boy), and here's one of him and his son Timmy.

Man, that's one tough audience...

EYEGLASSES UPDATE: Swung by the house after work, got Middle Girl, slowly drove up Chalkville Road (always choked with traffic in the afternoon--two lanes, residential, everybody in town on it), stride purposefully through entrance to Wal-Mart, surprise garrulous glasses guru. Sit down and wait a bit, and then he comes back out with the new pair. Slips them on Bec's head, and then begins the schtick--"How many fingers am I holding up, sugar?"

She looks him square in the eye and deadpans--"One and a half." (Remember--she's heard this patter before, too--when she went in a year ago, Catherine told him "2", and he corrected her with a big laugh and said "one and a half".) Anyway, this time he goes into the other part of his act that he did with me yesterday, puts on a hurt, hangdog look, "Aw, now I didn't make fun of your ears!"

Rebecca hadn't heard this part before, though. She stared at him, not cracking a smile, and was just about to get horribly shy and self-conscious about whatever it was that was wrong with her ears. I tickled her under the chin before the tears started to well up, and told her he was just joking with her, and he kept messing with her until she finally lightened up a bit.

Boy, you really gotta know your audience!

But, all's well--he poked and twisted her frames and she's happy with her new pair, but most especially with the cheetah-fur patterned case. The rest of the time spent in the store was trying to further explain the joke, and then it was back home--it's pizza night! Hooray!

Anyway, once more, have yourselves a great weekend!



What's that sound?

Me, doing many other things than blogging this morning.

::sigh::

Dumb ol' work.


Thursday, June 05, 2003

Fun With the Referrer Log!

I haven’t done this in a while because there just haven’t been as many howlingly odd referrals for a while.

I sense something afoot here—several folks have noticed a downturn in hits in May, and my own non-corroborated-with-anybody-else, or-for-that-matter-the-subject-of-the-speculation-itself theory is that Google has tweaked their search algorithm a bit—it has in the past given more weight to sites which had many current links, which tended to be bloggers. This might have had a bad effect for everyday folks searching for normal stuff, (or abnormal stuff, as the case may be) who kept getting someone’s blog site instead of useful information on such things as toasters or vacuum cleaners or Tijuana donkey shows.

My supposition is that an adjustment has been made to make sure a returned result comes closer to actually answering the query, and that the search terms are closer together in the sites that get returned. Google always seemed to have a marvelous Maureen Dowd quality that was able to extract information for the horribly deviant pervgoogler sorts by picking out individual terms from widely spaced portions of your blog that individually had no icky connotations, but which taken together make you the only search result for “Nicosia escort girls”.

Anyway, although I enjoy random hit traffic as much as anyone else, not having so many alternative lifestyle sorts who want to do things to me with a whip and a spatula is probably for the better.

So then, for what it’s worth, here are what little bit of interesting stuff we’ve had come across the wire the past day or two:

First up: advocates for irene adler. Obviously, someone wanting to check out the work of a famous published author!

Next, the scourge of indian juggling Clubs. You know, in this day and age you would think folks would get tired of Indian juggling, but the fact that there are now even CLUBS which cater to this horrible practice is just sickening.

Speaking of sickening, there’s this one: roadkill opossum pictures. Here you go, ya sicko. (Hint—it’s the one on top.)

Next, home maintenance-- unreachable hair plug in washing machine. A plug just for unreachable hair? A plug for hair that’s unreachable? A plug-in washing machine for unreachable hair? A big wad of nasty soapy hair stuck in the very back of your washing machine? Whatever it is, we ain’t got it. Check next door.

Now then, I make fun of folks sometimes, but I try not to be too mean to folks who just wander in out of nowhere, but sometimes my mockery button is pushed a bit too hard-- John and Flour Forsyte in The forsyte saga of the new spin off. You mean you can get FORSYTE right, and you can’t get “Jon and Fleur”?! Oh well, you were probably looking for this website from PBS. Jon and Fleur. Jon and Fleur.

So see, not too many oddities in the mix.

On other matters of Internettery, it should be of no small note that after MONTHS of agonizingly hard work, Possumblog has FINALLY worked its way up to the level of being a Marauding Marsupial! I remember those terrible, terrible times when what you are reading was nothing but an unreachable hair plug. ::sigh:: This sure makes it all worth it, now doesn’t it?

Next up, the new Blogger home page is here, which is such a wonderful thing. Rah. Rah. Rah. Blogger. Yea.

It is sorta nice in that it does have a new update page that is pinged when you publish, something like the one for Weblogs.com. Rah. When I become the sole remaining person using Blogger and Blogspot, this might be useful.

Finally, a shout out to fellow jackbooted thug Charyl over at The Colorado Compound. She somehow stumbled across Possumblog surfing around looking for possum roadkill pi…something else, and decided to add me onto her blogroll. So, hey, there!

All for now, folks...stay tuned!

[This was finished earlier today, and I just now got a chance to post it—I’m still full of work stuff to have to get done. ::sigh::]



No sooner...

...had I gotten back from getting myself a sandwich for lunch, and had eaten one half of it, that my addle-pated boss came in and told me we had a meeting. Right then. That he didn't tell me know about ahead of time. TWO FLIPPING HOURS LATER, I once again have a pile of crap to get done, so this is it for today--maybe we'll get to the new Weevil tomorrow. ::sigh::

UPDATE!! Nate McCord of Wasted Electrons just sent me this little jewel, which best describes how it has gone this week.



Letters to Ed.

As promised, we now take this opportunity to fill up some space with another angry letter to the Possumblog Editorial Board, this one from the wilds of Winterboro, North Carolina:
To the Editorial Board:

Dear Sir(s),

Did you evolve from an Editor to Editorial Board simply by adding Jeff the E-Mail Boy? Do you need more than two people to be considered a "staff"? Otherwise, the second person would just be an assistant or partner. By having an Editorial Staff, would you now be considered a "group blog", and therefore subject to all the blog rules and regulations that govern such a union?

The editing on Possumblog has been excellent, with nary a misspell or punctuation error. Now all you need are more possum tales and anecdotes on those lovable grey-haired marsupials.

Sincerely,

Spud
(not some made-up hide-behind-an-acronym guy)
First things first—apologies again for having been otherwise engaged the last few days, but sir you must know that you have sent poor CHET the E-Mail Boy into a deep and otherworldly funk, and despite our protestations, we have not been able to convince him that he is not being replaced by some young whippersnapper named Jeff. Possibly seeing this assurance in print will assist him in returning to his duties.

(For those who do not know, Chet’s 87 years old, and has been hanging around the building since back in the days when he ran the Linotype for us. We couldn’t bear to let him go, and so he has made himself useful by combining his skills in making hot type with his fun and relaxing hobby of telegraphy.

As e-mails enter our computer system, they are routed to Chet’s desk by the mop sink in the basement, where they are translated into Morse code through a simple computer program and output to a keyset. Chet eagerly copies down these dots and dashes in his shaky, scrawly longhand, then rushes over to the Linotype machine where he hurriedly transcribes his notes into the keyboard then runs out a plate, inks it, plops a sheet of foolscap on there and presses a rough copy. He then runs upstairs (“run” being rather too much exertive to adequately describe his gait) where he hands me the copy for proofreading. After I have made my corrections in red pen, he then “runs” back downstairs, makes the corrections in the plate and pulls a final copy which I read and comment upon. If the e-mail requires a reply, Chet takes dictation on his old stack of Western-Union telegram forms, and after that sprints back downstairs and goes directly to his telegrapher’s key and taps out the message.

The inspiration for this system of electronic mail delivery is based upon an interesting news story of a few months ago in which the Chinese Postal Service instituted a scheme of hand delivering paper copies of e-mails received at a central station. It all may sound cumbersome, but Chet works for free. Excitement is not good for his condition, however, so we try to damp down any rumors that he might be set out to pasture.)

NOW THEN, having gone through all of that, we will now clarify the position of Editor and Editoral Board. Although they occupy the same cranium, the Editor is in charge of the day-to-day operation of Possumblog, seeing that silly content is pumped out in a somewhat regular fashion for devotees of suburban drama.

The Editorial Board is a semiautonomous, unpaid oversight group tasked with directing the overall tone and outlook of the publication. The Board is made up of individuals who work in a variety of fields and who are intended to bring balance and fairness to the open window and give them a swift kick over the sill. Again, we remind you that the members of the Editorial Board are purely figments of my fertile imagination and dementia, and they reside in a small area behind my left temporal lobe.

The Editorial Board is chosen by the Board of Directors, each of whom has a vested ownership interest in Possumblog, and collectively comprise a wicked cabal intent upon world domination through the stealthy ploy of using a dim (though avuncular) rotund, bespectacled fellow from Alabama as chief writer.

The remainder of the staff, just like the Board of Directors, Editorial Board, Editor, Pat Slagging, our Irish correspondent, and various flunkies and hangers-on (no offense, Chet), are crowded into the confines of my head, where they live in relative peace. They are occasionally pushed aside by thoughts of food, Norah O’Donnell, cars, dirt, cute kittens, food, pencils, that weird shiver you get after using the urinal, Pop Rocks, and pecan pie.

For the purposes of taxation and complying with local, state, and federal wage and hour statutes and collective bargaining laws, they are brutally suppressed behind a facade of compete normalcy.

Mmm. Pie.

So, there you have it. We greatly appreciate the kinds words from Spuddybuddy about grammar, punctuation, and spelling—HOWEVER, part of the sad result of living with so many cohabitants in such a confined space is that occasionally things slip out onto the keyboard that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Please ignore these.

Carry on now.



As an example of just how busy I have been...

My very good friend and cowriter of the We Want Jessica Rabbit Petition, Francesca Watson at Yorkie Blog, has been blogging again after a Life Hiatus since MONDAY, and I just now noticed.

My apologies, Francesca.

Now, all of you run over there right now and tell her hey.



Wow!

Just in from CNN--New York Times announces resignation of Executive Editor Howell Raines, Managing Editor Gerald Boyd following Jayson Blair scandal.



In case you missed it...

...late yesterday I posted a stunningly provocative recap of the highlights of the past weekend (such things as I can remember) and My Trip to the Eyeglasses Place--I still have some work to get out of the way this morning, but coming up on the Possum Network later today are Another Letter to the Editor, A New Weevil (And He's a, a...LIBERAL!), Persimmons, and a preview of our newest show, Tinroof Turnabout, in which friends get to redecorate each other's trailers--you'd never believe what all you can do with woodgrain-patterned contact paper!


Wednesday, June 04, 2003

So, anyway…

As I was saying, I had all this mess typed up in the most dangerous fashion possible (on the Blogger interface, on a timed connection) yesterday afternoon, working without a net, and I fell off the wire with a most horrible and ghastly result.

Much like Humpty Dumpty, there was no putting it back together again—all the magic sparkly stuff has now vanished—and it was one of those posts that people would have passed all around the world, a post that would have won a prize, a post that would have made grown men weep with its beauty, a post [it should be noted here that just like the fish that got away, the size and fight of the thing increases markedly in the retelling—therefore, the pages of glowing self-praise that followed this will be excised in order to go on with the normal allotment of tedious recitation--Ed.]

Before I left yesterday, I tried to do an emergency repair on my glasses to keep from having to drive all the way back out to Trussville clenching the individual halves in my eye sockets like dual monacles. This is not a good way to drive, especially when you weave in and out and tailgate. The secretary had a nice little pen of super glue with the handy dispenser tip, so I got that and set up a work spot at the front counter on top of a couple of city directories.

The pen has one of those neat little plunger spigots on the end so you can holllllld the left piece jussssst so and presssss just a teeeeeeeny littleGLOB-OH CRAP-ohcrap-ohcrap-ohcrap all over your hand. Quickly lifted my halves up so as not to glue the side of my hands to the counter and stuck the tiny wire together. Wait. Hold. Unstick right pinky from ring finger. Wait. Blow on glue. Watch as the glue refuses to dry except on the webbing between your left thumb and forefinger. Move glasses ever so slightly. Wait. Blow. Hold out frame, left side drops off. ::sigh:: Just give me the derned Scotch tape…::grumble::swear::

Managed to get a piece wrapped around the bridge well enough, then hit the road for T’ville managing to simultaneously avoid several tractor trailers and give myself a raging ill-fitting-eyeglasses headache. Got to the Wallyworld optical shop and dealt with The Guy Who is a “Character”.

Imagine a cross between that guy you met in 1978 at the Flora-Bama and your friend’s brother-in-law who works at Wal-Mart. Always cutting up, running a line of BS, joking about his drinking problem, drops a screw and loudly complains that he can’t help it because they just transferred him that morning from auto parts. Quite the character. But a decent fellow.

Look through some frames, and of course, mine is no longer in stock. Have to make do with a close-enough pair that he hand grinds my lenses to fit. I wait in the chairs just long enough to drift off, and even though I try mightily to think of sitting on a beach watching cavorting supermodels, all I manage is a fitful, slobbery half-sleep in which I am stuck in the feminine hygiene product aisle at Wal-Mart.

He comes back out, tries the new frames on me, asks me how many fingers he’s holding up, I say “One and a half, chief.” The last two joints on his index finger are amputated, you know—gets a hurt look on his face, says pitifully, “Well, you know, I didn’t make fun of your ears…” Hearty laughs all around, tell him since he pulled that crap when I brought the kids in that I figured he wouldn’t mind. He doesn’t, torques on the earpieces some more, charges me a hundred bucks and I walk out.

Not too bad, maybe thirty minutes worth of my day—it’s now exactly too long to go back to work, not quite time to go pick up the kids, so I figured I’d kill an hour at the library. Sat down and as I mentioned typed out the stuff above, plus all the stuff that happened over the weekend.

Which by now is way past its expiration date, but what the heck…

Like I said, we went and saw TRON Friday (man, that Cindy Morgan girl is HOT!) then I was jolted awake by the chipper voice on the other end of the phone--“Hello! It’s your SISTER!”

“Mwuh, glah. Gulflsmah?”

“Did I wake you up?”

“Myeah—wahn sla mov lanah. Dnah gebeh til wun.”

Translated it means the same thing so don’t even try.

Went on and had some sort of a conversation with her, and wrote stuff down that I cannot now read and hung up. Turned over and Reba had gotten up. $@#&*^#!! Danged telephones. Got up, got dressed, puttered around and went and got the kids from the inlaw's house.

Got back home and Tiny Girl made a beeline for the rug hooking kit that Mommy bought her the other night. It’s a 12 inch square picture of a butterfly. We had to put her off a bunch of times to keep her from taking it out and starting it right in the middle of eating or of leaving to go somewhere, so she was bound and determined she was going to start it. ::sigh::

This is one hobby that I never did as a kid, and what surprised me is that she and Rebecca both seemed to know exactly what to do. They had watched one of the kids at school do it, but had never done it themselves, but they were sitting there whipping those bits of yarn around like they’d been doing it forever. It was sorta odd—I still find it hard to accept that they know how to do things that I didn’t teach them. Which is obviously a great blessing for them.

They played with that, we did some laundry, then it was time to head over to the house of a friend from church for a cookout for our youth group. Got there early, found her dad holding forth on the porch with a couple of visitors, her crowd-averse husband making himself invisible, and two big drum grilles full of chicken breasts and hunks of smoky charcoal and a hickory log. “Please—would you please get the meat cooked—Daddy’ll sit there all day and talk.” ::sigh:: Get a fork and sally forth to the grilles, open them up and get the meat arranged right and nearly choke to death on the smoke. Friend brings me some marinade and a brush, which I accept with smoky tears in my eyes. “Just can’t get away from this smoke…” “Well, you know, smoke follows beauty!”

Hee. Toil in the hot sun and smoke some while longer, her dad FINALLY quits jabbering and comes over to help, grilles open up again, turn meat, complain about the smoke going to kill me in a few short moments if I am unable to get away from it—“Well, Terry, you know what they say, ‘Smoke follows beauty.’”

Yep, seem to recall hearing that.

Got that chore done, and if I do say so myself, that was some really good bird. Everyone else seemed to enjoy it, too. I chalk it up to my stunning beauty.

Finished up and corralled the young’uns back into the van and went home to give them baths and soak my eyeballs in a nice cool bowl of Visine. (It gets the red out, you know) Kids to bed, I hose myself off and fall into bed, nodding off before I hit the pillow much like my hero Lil Abner.

Up the next morning, get them all dressed for church, and head for the building. Beautiful, beautiful day. Nothing like early summer in the South—and with all the rain we’ve had, it just makes it even prettier. Hard to believe that even roadside weeds can be so attractive. Turned out to be a great day all around, and I even got to take a nap of sorts between services, which hardly ever happens. Went back early for a meeting, then after evening services went and had supper with Jennifer the Perfect Waitress, and to make it even more betterer, a further fulfillment of my Corvette omen of a few days ago—you might recall that I saw a pristine ’65 white roadster parked along Main Street, which I assumed to be an indication of an impending wish-granting from two Saturdays ago when I gave the kids money to throw in the fountain. Well, friends, as we were leaving the restaurant Sunday night, what should be idling toward me on the service road but ANOTHER ’65 roadster, but this one in BLACK with a WHITE TOP! That cinches it! It has to come true now! Just park it on the driveway, fellows.

Went home, put the kids and the wife and the self to bed, and then I woke up and it was Monday, and ever since then it’s been a cascading string of jumps and starts and stuff left unblogged. Until now, that is.

So, seeing as how I have FINALLY managed to slay a few alligators which heretofore had been nipping at my buttocks, and put out some brushfires, and run several things up the flagpole to near universal salutes, and even managed to get this thing typed up and posted, I guess it’s time now to head for the house again.

But, just to add a bit of fresh ingredients to keep the old stuff from seeming too far past the expiration date, here’s a few comments on the stuff in today’s news—

Sosa’s corked bat. Just a practice bat? Uh-huh. A tip here--why don’t you save yourself some grief and take a great big Sharpie and write “THIS IS A CORKED PRACTICE BAT” on the barrel and MAYBE you won’t have such a problem keeping it out of the legal bats. Just a thought, dude.

Miss Universe—Miss Dominican Republic’s nice, but I still think Daisy Fuentes was prettier than anyone else in the whole competition, and she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. On the other hand, The Donald is a frightening, frightening looking man with a Traficant-quality rug. He should take a cue from Howard Hughes and be rather more reclusive.

Barry Manilow—woke up disoriented and broke his nose? Surrrrre.

Saddam's Suspected Hiding Place Excavated Cool. Who knew they had a shovel that could dig all the way to Hell!

Hillary’s admissions of anger toward Bill’s indiscretions—You all know I don’t like these people, but I still think that for all of their venality and ambition, they actually do love each other.

Martha Stewart—I wonder what sort of window treatment is appropriate for a 6 inch high horizontal opening? I wonder if they French fold the towels in the prison laundry? I wonder if the canteen will have Belgian truffles?

Anyway, that’s it for today—see you all in the morning!



You know...

After I got my glasses changed out, I had some time to kill so I went to the library and did a goodly-sized post full of pathos and comedy and lightheartedness and poignancy. Not the long version, but the details of the past few days commented upon with that Barton Fink feeling. Took about 45 minutes. Had just gotten finished and the computer at the library popped up a message that I only had five minutes left on my login time. Okay, fine, I'm just about done. Finish the last sentence, hit "post and publish" and found that the popup box had also severed my connection to Blogger. Meaning that all that fun stuff went right into the ether. Poof. Pif.

::sigh::

Back now, and I have an early meeting and work to finish, so this might be it for the day, once again. Bear with me and you will be richly rewarded in the future with large helpings of mundanity.


Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Okeedoke--here's the short version...

Friday--Haul kids to Grandmom and Grandpop, tell them not to tear each other to shreds, leave them with a big sigh of something other than relief, go to lovely Palace Chinese restaurant, share order of hot and sweaty soup, steamed dumplings, and Kung Pao chicken, finish up and wander around the shopping center looking at stuff and at the 5k8tr kids loitering and trying their hardest to be menacingly gothic. How sweet. Went back to the theater and got 40 cents worth of popstarch and carbonated water for 6 bucks, then went in prepared to enter...The Matrix.

Movie Review Time: All I have to say (well, not really, but work with me here) is that despite my craving for some good-old, two-fisted, Robert Mitchum/John Wayne/Kirk Douglas non-chick-movie moviegoing, this derned thing was a girlie movie, too. Sorry. The whole [SPOILER ALERT--READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL] deal with groping around looking for a computer bullet in a computer girl body and the weepy tearsomeness and wild-eyed amazement is just silly.

I will give it this--the visual effects are absolutely incredible and seamless and really cool looking. But, still--if you have the wherewithal to create a gigantic underground city with huge, cyclopean iron machinery to open and close the doors and stuff, can't you people at least create a dadgummed sewing machine and washing machine?! I mean, all the neat looking people in the air traffic control center are crisply tailored and bleached--do all the rest of you have to wander about in the stuff you used to wash the car? Needle and thread and some soap, that's all I'm asking. Why can't you look more like that nice Agent Smith? So nice and well groomed and polite.

And what's the whole Woodstock/Altamont/technorave in a mudhole deal? I know it's underground, but can you not put down a nice concrete pad and lay some carpet? Or tile? You've got the ability to mentally transport into the mind of a machine, and you can't go to Crate and Barrel and get a nice cheap throw rug or two? And just where is it that all these giant whizzing electronic ships go? I mean, they're underground, you know, so they just wander around in a bunch of tunnels? And why do they have to leave the Complex Industrialized City of Hippies in order to plug into The Matrix? Why not just hook up the chairs and Coiled Wires That Signify Technology right there in your unpainted iron house and dispense with all this other flummery! And isn't it just a tiny bit odd that all cars within The Matrix are manufactured by General Motors? I'm not sure what that says more about, GM or computers--and I'm not sure I want to know.

Personal notes for the cast: Larry Fishburne--please quit cancelling your dermatologist appointment. And maybe in the next one, Morpheus can use his magic lasso. Oh, wait, that's Cowboy Curtis. Never mind. Carrie-Anne Moss--please visit the craft services buffet just a little more often--a couple of double cheeseburgers with fries and a chocolate shake wouldn't hurt you a bit. Just look at Monica Bellucci! Yow! Seems to have done wonders for her. Keanu, dude--Wonderfully expressive--those acting lessons from Al Gore have really paid off.

But, you know, this is really not a bad movie, but one probably best enjoyed with your buds so you can sit around afterwards eating Doritos and saying to each other stuff like, "Whoa, dude--what if, like, the whole Matrix thing, is like, just a subprogram within ANOTHER program, and like it's all contained, like, you know, in ONE cell in your thumbnail or something." "Yeah, that'd be weird, broh." "Y'know, it's still a chick-flick, though." "Yeah."

ONWARDS!

::sigh:: No bloody way. I took a break from this little exercise in finger tapping to go eat lunch with the lovely Miss Reba. (At the new Quizno's, which was quite tasty). Got back, sat down, leaned over to get a piece of paper off my desk and my eyeglasses just snapped in half at the bridge. Pop. Tinkle. !@#r!asssa%$##!! Where's the everlovin' stinkin' danged Scotch tape.

Guess where I get to go? My friendly neighborhood Trussville Wal-Mart Supercenter Optical Department. There is no backup pair, no just doing without. I have uncorrected vision of approximately 20:5,280, so I HAVE to have glasses to see beyond my nose. Or blog.

SO, once again, I am off the clock to go do something totally mindless, and once again, I fall further behind in both duly delegated employment duties AND in dishing up the mindless boring details of my life. And I only got up to Friday! ::sigh::

Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow.

See you all then.

(If I have glasses. Otherwise, you'll all just look like fuzzy blobs. Which might be appropriate for a fuzzy blog.)



Back now, and guess what?

It's a-raining. Got out to the daycare--"Oh, you didn't have to come out--you could have just paid it in with your regular fee."

::heavy sigh:: Despite the note that got sent home that it had to be in cash and couldn't be added to the check for the regular fee.

Then had to untangle myself from offspring, some of whom were even mine, then decided to run by the bank, then to the credit union, then it started pouring rain, then there was a wreck at the 22nd Street exit, then I had to go to two different other places, then there's the media circus in town, and now I have to go run a bunch of copies, and my eye won't quit twitching.

Good grief--being a grown-up really requires some concentration.

More later, must toil...



Okay, where was I?

Oh, yeah--I just sat down at my desk and got a call from Miss Reba. "Did you pay for the kids to go to the skating rink today?"

"Uh, no--I thought we had already paid it."

"No."

So, now I make yet another trip to Trussville today, so that my poor children will not be denied the joy of cheap, thin pizza and dangerous wheeled footwear.

In Life's Big Fun Park, it seems I am continually on the Runaway Mine Car ride.

Oh well.

At least it should be less exciting than last night, when Tiny Girl lost her first tooth, right in the middle of a tornado warning. I don't know what was louder, the sirens, or her.

And it probably won't be as involved as the trip to the doctor's office with all four of them--two pee cups, two finger sticks, one tetanus booster, and only slightly less animosity between them than between, oh...say a mongoose and a basket full of snakes.

You'll hear all about it sometime, maybe even today--if I can somehow manage to get the stack of work garbage off my desk. But for now, I have to go back to the 'Town With A Future' and dispense some grickles.

See you later!


Monday, June 02, 2003

Work Invades Workspace!

It just became PAINFULLY obvious to me following our staff meeting that today's thrilling installment of What I Did This Weekend will have to be postponed in order to do all sorts of unfun things necessary to insure the steady flow of paychecks.

And it was gonna be such a good one, too!

By tomorrow, it'll be all wilted and brown and slimy.

But then again, you should be quite used to that, so here's hoping I'll have some time for silliness in 24 hours or so. Plus, you will get the benefit of the Story of the Doctor's Visit! Lucky you.



Well, now…

Got here this morning, got an 8:30 staff meeting and a ton of stuff to do, and I have a whole stack of mildly interesting stories of a weekend now long gone, I have to leave early today to take the kids to the doctor for their checkups, and then I find that the Internet has a cold or something this morning and is unwilling to cooperate. Hmph.

In any event, as always it will take me a while to reconstruct the events of the past two days (you know, with my condition and all) but I believe after I finish inventing it all, you will absolutely thrill to wondrous tales of The Matrix (a.k.a. TRON Meets the Rainbow Family and Goes to a Phish Concert), Telephones, Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (a Lot), Geese, Stuff, Crayons, and Making a Hooked Rug!

No, I’m not sure the more feeble of you will be able to stand the fast-paced action and graphic nature of this recitation, so please use caution when I finally do get it posted and you start reading it!

NOW, on to staff meeting!


Friday, May 30, 2003

DATE NIGHT!

Whoo-hoo!!! Maw-in-law called last night, said to pack offspring and their clothing into a seabag and bring them over for the ENTIRE NIGHT, so as to allow Miss Reba and yours truly to have some time to go paint the town red. Being that I am painted out, due to my mighty exertions of Monday, I believe we will take this time to go see ourselves a moving picture show.

Reba asked me at lunch what I wanted to go see, and I insisted that it be something other than a chick-flick. One of her coworkers said Daddy Day Care was good. Sorry. Chick-flick. I just now went over to the website for the theater and started going down the list--Finding Nemo? Kid-flick. (Although I do want to see it. But not without the kids).

Anger Management? Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, doing schtick. Rather be run over by a bus.

Identity? People start getting mysteriously dead. Not good for naptime. Pass.

Likewise, Wrong Turn. When will you people learn!? Don't go to mysterious, out of the way places with a large group of teenagers where bad things happened to large groups of teenagers in the past.

X-2: X-Men United? Not a big comic book-to-movie fan, but more to the point, when you have THIS, why on Earth would you want to have any X-Men? I mean, she's blue, and she has yellow eyes, but still. Pass.

Bruce Almighty? Oooh, yeah--God talking through his butt. Pass.

Down With Love?
This is the story, set in New York City in 1963, of a budding romance between womanizing journalist and playboy Catcher Block (McGregor), cleverly described as a "man's man, ladies' man, man about town", and a strident feminist advice columnist, Barbara Novak (Zellweger), who finds her own rules of love contradicted by her attraction to the cad.
Dang, just call the thing "Chick Movie" and be done with it. Nah.

The In-Laws? It has exactly half of Hollywood's hottest couple in it. Unfortunately, not the half I want to pay to see. And it has Albert Brooks. See comment above about succumbing to the Grim Reaper via impact of speeding omnibus.

Holes? Hmm. Intriguing. Yet, still a kid-flick. Just not in the mood for THAT, if you know what I mean.

Already seen Lizzie McGuire, once being quite sufficient for the remainder of my lifetime. Which just leaves The Italian Job and The Matrix Reloaded. Obviously, the NEW Italian Job movie is no match for the original, so it looks like it's Matrix time. Which will be interesting seeing as how I've never seen the original.

In any event, I'll be sure to let you know how it turns out, bright and early Monday. Have a great weekend!



::sigh::

Now this was just soooo predictable:
Dear Possumblog Editor,

I take exception to you placing the words "swimsuit" and "National Geographic" in the same post. Your insensitivity to those who are not able to afford both swimsuits and subscriptions to NG is appalling. Even more appalling is your lack of concern for those who do not have the bodies for either swimsuits or NG. Besides, I have always wanted to write an ignorant letter to an editor, but haven't been willing to put my name out there on a missive and have the whole world see just how utterly stupid I really am.

Wait, this letter is not going the way I planned. Please disregard the next to last sentence.

You and your whole insensitive staff should be required to attend some kind of training although I am not sure what. Please cancel my subscription and I hope all you [sic] advertisers withdraw their support and you end up writing for free.

Yours in Ignorance,

LA
The Editorial Board of Possumblog and its writing staff welcome public comment of any sort, even when written with a dull, wax crayon. We remain, as always, sensitive to those who may be offended by the word "swimsuit" when used in any context, as well as to those with large, flabby, hairy, backs who do not look good in a Spandex Speedo, and as well as those who find their meager paychecks are insufficient to purchase small, expensive, pieces of naughty-part-covering cloth goods. We also firmly believe no publication is more sensitive to the congenitally stupid than we.

In this instance, we have reviewed the commentary by our writer and have concluded that he deliberately set about to create conflict and purposely offend stupid people, and not necessarily poor, ugly people. We also concluded that the writer of the piece did so using previously published letters of the alphabet, and complete words, without proper attribution of their source.

In light of these egregious errors and deviations from editorial policy, it is with no small regret that the Editorial Board has placed the writer of the piece on suspension for a period of at least five minutes, during which time he will be required to sit quietly. Further, the entire staff of Possumblog will be required to attend a series of training seminars on improvised munitions, riflery, effective interpersonal relationships, and wilderness survival skills.

Although we regret the decision of the subscriber to cancel his subscription, we do remind him that we have already spent the entirety of his money on the Diet Coke we purchased out of the soda machine earlier in the day, therefore no refund will be forthcoming.

We would also like to express our deep, abiding sorrow to each of our advertisers for this embarrassment, but seeing as how no one will advertise with us (except Gallagher), we have decided not to worry about it.

Thank you, and may you continue to read in good health.

The Editors

UPDATE FROM LA:
I see that you have decided to send your staff to weapons training. Just how big is your staff.
Apparently not big enough, because I get spam every day that guarantees a way to make it larger without expensive surgery. In any event, the staff at Possumblog currently numbers approximately 3,208--sometime more, sometimes less depending on how heavily sedated I am.
I know about Chet the email boy, but do you have others?
No. There is only one Chet the E-Mail Boy. More than one would be very confusing.
Just how many stringers do you have? Can you explain why news reporters need little pieces of fishing line normally used to hold your catch and exactly how they contribute to a story?
An excellent question! (finally) In our business, a "stringer" is not only something that you use to hold your just-caught piscinalia, but it also describes unacknowledged contributors to various stories. The name "stringer" comes from the time in Elizabethan England when they were paid with bits of string (or "stringe" in the parlance of the times). In today's modern electronic newsroom, this is no longer true, as they are now paid nothing.
Just as I thought, not only does Possumblog slander Blogger, but you can't answer the most basic questions.
Not to disagree, but basic questions are the ones we do best at! As for Blogger, our playful banter at the expense of our fine software provider is intended entirely in a comedic vein. Hopefully the jugular.
I hope you enjoyed the Diet Coke!
Indeed I did! A May 27, 2003 vintage from the Birmingham region, it had a wonderful, foamy nose upon opening, with flinty whiffs of burnt caramel, mop water, and a hint of dry leather work gloves. In the glass, it exhibited the arthritic legs for which it has been so rightly praised, and a deep, foamy murkiness that masked some of the subtle complexity of the escaping gas bubbles. Served chilled to 34 degrees Fahrenheit, it had a biting insolence upon tasting (as is the case with some non-sugared carbonated cola beverages), and no small amount of mockery. In the mouth, it had the characteristic burning tartness of highly refined phenylketonurics and phosphoric acid loved by true connoisseurs, with a perturbed and reedy feel.

Upon completion of the full twelve ounces, the characteristic diurectic effect kicked in, causing a terrifying sprint to the men's room.



Maybe I was just blocking...

...but I JUST remembered something from Monday when I was at home, taking a break from painting. Since it was a weekday, the normal television fare consisted entirely of reality courtroom shows (Judge Judy, Texas Justice, etc.) and the advertisers consisted entirely of pawn shops and ambulance chasers. One ad in particular caught my eye.

It was for Alabama Title Loan. Their spokesman?

Gallagher.

GALLAGHER!! Wacky Seventies icon, prop comic and inventor of the Sledge-o-Matic. (Which he used to smash a computer-generated image of high pawn fees, as well as a watermelon!)

Either pawning the title to your '82 Fiesta generates enough serious dough to attract nationally-renowned comedic stars of the highest caliber, or we have determined a reliable indicator for when it may be time to discuss a career change with your agent.

(Although the former is most assuredly true, in this case I believe the latter is equally accurate.)



I believe it to be an omen...

But this morning right after I dropped off the kids with the daycare cult, I was driving back down Main Street to get my morning breakfast greases from Sonic, and right there in the side lot of the scruffy old car repair place was a fully restored 1965 Sting Ray roadster. Polo white, black top. (A bit like this one, except it had a small block)

I assume that this is the result of my wish from the other day when the kids and I were throwing pennies in the fountain at the garden shop, and my magical wish granter just hasn't had time to deliver it to the house yet.

Yeah, that's it.



From the "Adventures in Headline Writing" File:

Singapore surgeons to attempt separation of adult twins from Iran

How the twins became attached to Iran is not known.





Larry Meets Bob and B-52s and Wally and Caulk!

Go read it all, and I will promise to not say anything bad about Blogger. (I used up my allotted quota of abuse on Tuesday.)



National Geographic

I have been reading National Geographic since I was old enough to read--the lady who was my babysitter had a whole bookcase full of old Geographics, and I was finally able to convince my mom and dad to get our own subscription 31 years ago, a subscription which I have managed to maintain since then without lapse. I love 'em, and I guess like everyone else, I can't bear to throw them out.

Of all the changes over the years, the one that just drives me bonkers is from a few years ago when the editors decided to open up a section for reader mail. No matter what the story, no matter how thought-provoking, no matter how well written, there is always--ALWAYS--someone who will write in with an angry letter pointing out every perceived slight, every possible misstatement, every point left unsaid. And they all have that same smug, self-righteous, drum-banging, papier-mache-head wearing, whineyness that makes me want to indulge in a spate of stupid growth, endangered species grilling, and unbound hydrocarbon production simply out of spite.

The one that got me going last night (when I finally got to read the June issue) was from some guy who used the opportunity afforded him to take someone (the Geographic, rich people, Westerners--ANYone) to task. The offense? The fact that there was a cat food ad on the inside back cover, and a photograph in the magazine of a tribesman forced by drought to eat leaves. The letter, though short, was written with a sneer, wondering how decent people could allow such things to coexist.

Of course, as it is with these types of letterwriters, there was no suggestion about alternatives--would you like us to outlaw the keeping of cats as pets? Would you like the Geographic to stop accepting pet food advertisements? Would you like all resources currently devoted to producing a slick, colorful magazine channelled into growing food? And you, Letterwriter, what a sad commentary it is that you sit there with your arms, able to write letters to the editor, when there are people who can't even afford a pen! Oh, the humanity! You know, while we're at it, it's awfully telling that in the same magazine in which a country wracked with drought is featured, there was also an advertisement for the Folbot! How dare we rub their faces in the fact that we have time for watery leisure activities! And all those ads for military academies! And cars! And crushable hats!

I do not dispute that there is much in the world that needs changing, and much inequity. But cluttering up my Geographic with misguided maudlin maunderings is no way to fix things.

Now then, where's my Swimsuit Issue?


Thursday, May 29, 2003

At 300th anniversary, some contemplate giving St. Petersburg greater share of government power

Nah--I can't see Jeb or any of the other guys in Tallahassee giving up anything to Tampa/St. Pete, I mean, with all the...pardon? Hm? Really?!

Never mind.



Because, you know, it's all about 'you know what'...

Blair, visiting postwar Iraq, praises troops and thrills Iraqi children
[...] Mohammad Ade Mohammad, a fan of disco and soccer star Ronaldo who wants to be a doctor, was overjoyed. "He and Bush liberated us from that criminal Saddam, that son of a criminal," he said. Any insult preceded by "son of" is serious stuff in Iraq.

As for Blair, the 14-year-old said: "He told us to become heroes. He told us to stay in school. We're happy that he has come a long way and that he loves children." [...]
Of course he does...where do you think BABY OIL comes from!!!!



Well, you know what this means...

Nigeria's president starts second term with pledge to act against poverty and corruption

"HELLO! My name is Dr. Olusegun Obasanjo, President of Nigeria. I have been given you name by trusted confidentes who wishto help me rid my raviged nation of poverty and corrupution..."



Rivalling the Dutch Tulip Panic of 1635...

Steven Taylor of Poliblog sent me this link to a story in today's Montgomery Advertiser about...well, what else COULD it be about? Interesting quotes include:
[...] Sherrie Myers, co-owner of the Montgomery Biscuits and founder of six minor league baseball teams, said the best mascots go through "this odd, uncomfortable, awkward phase" of acceptance before fans fully embrace them. She said the same thing happened with the Lansing (Mich.) Lugnuts, a AA team she helped found eight years ago that has since broken merchandising records.

"If we had it where everyone loved (Biscuits) immediately, we would have been nervous," she said. [...]
Uh-huh. The "best" ones, huh? 'Well, we had several that disgusted us--the Montgomery Goatsuckers was very odd, and the Montgomery Colostomies really, REALLY made people uncomfortable, and then there was the Montgomery Refined White Flour and Hydrolized Vegetable Solids which took the prize for most awkward, but when we put them all together, "Biscuits" was the single name which created the most odd, uncomfortable, and awkward reactions among fans.' Then there's this:
[...] The Biscuits have not started selling sponsorships, though the team has had many offers, said Marla Terranova, business development coordinator for the team. But team merchandise has been going fast, she said.

The most popular item so far? The yellow and blue fitted caps the team will wear when it plays at home, she said.

J. Julius, 28, of Montgomery said while he likes the look of the caps and shirts and plans to attend games, he still can't get past the mascot. "I ain't wearing no biscuit," he said. [...]
Yep.

But again, you gotta say that this is one great country--Cat TV, All-Girl NASCAR Pit Crews, and people making a small fortune on the power of the biscuit.

God Bless America!



In defense of biscuits...

Chet the E-Mail Boy just came in with a funny look on his face, which is never a good sign. Although he tries to maintain some sense of detachment as he furiously scribbles down the electronic messages we receive here in his shaky longhand script, on occasion the import of the message hits him, too. He stood by as I read his just-off-the-plates transcription of the following message:
Biscuits are supposed to be listed as follows: Biscuits&Gravy, Biscuits&Butter, Biscuits&Soppings...etc.

You keep forgetting the good stuff!

Let's do have some kind of correctness in future!

MommaBear
Poor Chet thinks MommaBear is going to sneak in and kill us or something!!

Well, first of all, MommaBear, rest assured that I will not neglect in the future to give the full nomenclature due to the regal biscuit. Its utility as both flavorful gut filler and vehicle for animal fat and/or sugared fruit toppings is impossible to ignore, and I vow that whenever the word "biscuit" is ever again mentioned herein, it will be with the entire and complete notation--Biscuit, Noble Bread of Noble Folks; Compatriot of Butter, Gravy, and Pot Likker; Warmer of the Soul; Giver of Life Itself Unto Jelly and Jam and Cane Syrup.

Now then, onto other matters...Chet, please do not fear.

Just be sure and keep the door locked.



Alabama in the Forefront of Quality Television Programming!

Television Show for Cats Set to Debut
DECATUR, Ala. - A Decatur manufacturer is hoping a new television show will be a cat-alyst for a new wave of programming.

"Meow TV," developed by the Meow Mix Co., debuts Friday at 6:30 p.m. on the Oxygen Network. It's the first show targeted at cats. Not cat lovers. Cats.

Decatur is home to the Secaucus, N.J.-based company's only manufacturing facility.
Lucky Decatur folks!! And lucky CATS!!
The half-hour program was developed after research showed that one-third of cats enjoy watching television, said Ira Cohen, marketing director for Meow Mix.

"It's real fun," Cohen said. "The mission of the Meow Mix Co. is to keep cats happy, so we developed this program for cats and the people they tolerate."
You know, this is a great country. All this for only a third of the cat population. But, still, I sure wish there was a company whose mission it was to keep ME happy. Then we could have Possumblog, the TV Show.
The feline-friendly show will air on the Oxygen Network several times in June.

Local workers at the manufacturing plant offered input on the show, which features cat yoga, cat haiku and sporadic video of squirrels and fish.
After-hours fare will feature films for mature cats such as Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! and Spring Break--Cats Gone Wild.
Actress Sandra Bernhard narrates mock infomercials geared toward humans, such as "The House Cat Shopping Network."
Seems a missed opportunity here not to have signed Honor Blackman.
Viewers also can send in birthday greetings to their cats and videos of their cats doing "something cool."
...You know, stuff like skydiving, snowboarding, parasailing, killing a bird, running a brewpub, sleeping, killing a bird...
The first episode features a cat that eats with chopsticks and a cat surfing in the ocean.
See? Told you it would be cool stuff! It's hard to master chopsticks, you know, and Fluffy probably looks down on all those cats that eat their sushi with a fork.

Anyway, thanks to all the good folks at Meow Mix and in Decatur for filling us in on the newest sign of the Apocalypse.



On Cairo's streets, anxiety, anger toward U.S.

...as opposed to those halcyon days of 227 years ago before there was such a thing as the United States. Ahh, those were the days--every day since, though, the streets of Cairo have seethed with anxiety and anger. Why, it's enough to make me want to take a short nap and go to lunch. Or vice versa.



Chewing on that biscuit again.

I just have to get this off my chest, but the story that Andy at World Wide Rant posted the other day about the name of the new Montgomery AA baseball team just won't leave me alone.

"Biscuits" is just simply stupid. In a vacuous, silly way. (No offense intended toward Mr. Vickers of Montgomery who thought up this gem--yes, the idea of fun is necessary to properly enjoy baseball--it being a simple child's game and all--and yes, Alabamians like biscuits, but if those are your only criteria, "Naked Wesson Oil Twister" would be an equally good appellation.)

For our British-speaking visitors--the biscuit reference in question is not what we call a cookie and you call a biscuit, but what we call a biscuit and you call a scone--one of these HERE sorts of things. Some self-rising flour, buttermilk, a little shortening, pinch of salt--bake and eat. (Put sugar in them and I'll come to your house and beat you with a tire iron.) They are what the gods ate to sop up their ambrosia on Olympus, but they stink when it comes to turning a double or batting clean up.

You want a team name to be dangerous and angry and generally a non-food-source.

HOWEVER, just as I told Andy, if you're stupid enough to insist on naming a group of men after a bread product, why not go all out with the Southern theme and call them the Hushpuppies!*

They're tough and crusty and even more Southern--in a rough-and-tumble, corn meal vs. wheat flour, scrappy sort of way--than the genteel biscuit. And they ARE made with batter, rather than dough. For a ball team owner, less dough and more batter would seem to be ideal. And you could have Hushpuppy Night (with requisite fish fry), and the mascot could be a cute brown dog (but not a basset, in order to avoid possible trademark trouble), and the batboys could be The Pups, and, and...somehow, young busty women will have to be thrown into the theme, but I'll have to work on that.

Anyway, I feel better getting that out of my system.

*Once more, to translate for our non-Southernese speaking visitors, a hushpuppy is a hunk of deep fried cornbread batter. They are best eaten blazing hot with a plate full of fresh fried fish, green onions, cole slaw, and sweet tea. Cold ones make fine weapons.



I have been remiss!!

But you should all adjust your bookmarks for Nate McCord's Wasted Electrons, which has ambled off to BlogStudio.



For those of you who ever thought NASCAR or truck racing is stupid.

(Of course, the sad fact is that once they get their Nomex and helmets on, everyone will go back to thinking NASCAR and truck racing is stupid.)



Abbas Says Militants May Cease Attacks

What? When there aren't any more shopping malls or buses?

Like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, like Linus waiting for the Great Pumpkin...



Ewww...what's that smell!?

FRESH HOT POSSUM, my friends, THAT'S what!

Of course, seeing as how I am still up to my ample backside in alligators, today's portions of rich, moist marsupial maunderings will be in decidedly gourmet-sized. (Although they will be presented beautifully with a small raspberry liqueur squiggle across the plate and a sprig of lemon grass.)

Yesterday was a bear, and as I mentioned it included having to call and talk to some of my counterparts in other parts of the country, which meant that I had to put on my polite, professional, uninflected, Midwest/Yankee telephone voice.

I think I strained a jaw muscle--how do you Yankees talk like that for so long?!

I had to get out my big box of hard Gs--"going" and "doing" instead of "goin' " and "doin' "--had to leave out "fixin' to" and "hose pipe" and "butt whuppin' " altogether, had to talk like a 33 1/3 record on 45, had to say "y'guys" instead of "y'all". Sheer torture. What made it worse is one of the folks was in Norfolk, VIRGINIA! You'd figure if I could talk normal anywhere, it would be to someone in the cradle of the Confederacy! Nah, not even him. Luckily, I am bilingual, and though not completely fluent in Yankeese, I am able to pass well enough to not be mistaken for Foghorn Leghorn. Or Karl. Even if'n I do like them french fried taters. mmmmhm.

Speaking of our Northern Brethren, Possumblog's Gopher State Correspondent Toni Albani sent me a very nice e-mail (dutifully copied and sent via Morse Code by Chet the E-Mail Boy) detailing her recent trip below the Sweet Tea Line to The Home of Country Music:
What a great time - tornados, buckets of rain and flash floods. Bet they won't be asking me back for awhile. I actually had great time and loved the area. It was my first trip to TN. Looked at scenery, did a little history touring in between the really heavy rain showers and looked at homes and properties. Whew - a buck buys alot of home in Nashville compared to the Twin Cities. Amazing what smart growth planning does to property prices.
Nashville really is a very pretty town, even in the middle of a monsoon. And home prices really are pretty reasonable, which is fine for all of you folks who advocate that people should actually be allowed to have private property instead of living in a nice, smart, government-run silo. Drives the Enlightened Ones crazy, though. Carry on!

Miss Toni said she was prompted to check in with the Editorial Office by the fact that she passed through the lovely village of Oglesby, Illinois. (You know, it's the closest city to Starved Rock and Mattheisen State Parks!):
Thought of you when I saw the water tower from the highway. Then I also remembered I graduated from high school with a guy with the last name of Oglesby.
Well, it's confession time--I painted my own name on the water tower as a prank. In actuality, Oglesby, Illinois' real name is Esby, but it was cheaper for them to just change the name and do a website than it was to hire a contractor to repaint the water tower. Sorry about that.

As for the guy with whom Toni graduated from high school, I figure at some point down the line, we're more than likely related. Unless he was a real jerk or something, in which case the connection is probably much closer.

ANYWAY, back at it--will bring your next course to the table in just a while. As you know, high quality takes time and careful preparation.

DISCLAIMER: No warranty is expressed or implied that future servings of Possumblog will be high quality, nor that they will show any evidence of time well spent or careful preparation.


Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Oh well.

Might as well forget any fresh Possum today, folks. I have a list of project references to check in addition to my normal load of make-work, so any hope for fun with the Milton-Bradley Game of Blog will have to wait for another day. ::sigh:: But at least I'll get to talk on the phone with several exciting, fun-loving bureaucrats across the United States...

::sigh::

See you folks tomorrow.



Wow...

...nearly as much fun as poking red hot knitting needles in your earholes! Just finished our meeting--1.5 hours of furiously scribbling notes in the dark, which I must now decipher and compose into the lovely flowing prose so common to the minutes of regulatory agencies--you think the rest of the crap I put out is snooze-worthy, you ought to read my thrilling descriptions of beige paint!

In any circumstance, nothing but work for the next few hours, so hop on over and see what everyone else in Bloglandia is doing and check back in after while.


Tuesday, May 27, 2003

BEING that I don't have a PayPal tipjar...

And in consideration of the fact that I have another of my semimonthly, egregious, burdensome, and pernicious regulatory agency meetings tomorrow morning, I must tend to that crap so that I continue to receive my paycheck. Meaning, that in spite of most sincere desires, the amount of claptrap and drivel will be markedly light until I get through doing my work.

I know both of you will be disappointed, but never fear, I will be back afterwards, barring any unforeseen circumstances like a meteorite striking me or getting hit by lightning.



Okay, now, where was I?

Oh. I was hoping you would remember.

I guess I’ll just make it up as I go along…

SO anyway, in case I’ve never asked the question, why do kids instinctively know when it’s the weekend, and wake up before dawn and start giggling and playing all sorts of bleeping video games (and I use “bleeping” in both the euphemistic AND the onomatopoeiac senses of the word) and wake up their sleep-deprived parents hours earlier than is strictly necessary? The rest of the time, they would gladly sleep until noon, but come Saturday, some sort of internal mechanism like the one that makes pigeons fly home makes them get up and start ripping and roaring. ::sigh::

Oh well, it’s only sleep.

UP early Saturday, Reba made us some biscuits and it was time to start knocking down the Bermuda. Bad thing about Bermuda grass is that the green is only on the upper third or so of the grass blade, so if you allow it to grow for three weeks before cutting it, the lush carpet of fine green grass that threatens to overtake the house like kudzu looks pretty much dead after you cut it. But, at least it looks like someone actually lives there now, brown grass or no.

Got most of it done, including about two-thirds of the backyard when it got to be time to get ready to take Boy to his soccer party. Stop mower, put it in the shade, come in and take shower and rush around trying to get everyone else ready. Have to make emergency stop at grocery store for something on the way, have to stop and buy stamps, have to do a billion other things that absolutely drive me bonkers—I’m really not a Type A person, except when it comes to being somewhere on time. I have had to learn MUCH PATIENCE…and I still have a ways to go. Anyway, got through doing silly running around, got to the restaurant and into the pit of hyperactive boys.

The place itself was actually pretty neat—it’s in sort of a nondescript strip shopping center, and from the outside you can’t tell anything about it, but inside is big and open with all sorts of local sports memorabilia on the walls, and the food was actually good. Boy went and abused the billiard table with the other hooligans, apparently none of whom had ever been out in public before. Jonathan’s a playful kid, but he knows he’s not supposed to just run wild. A point lost on the majority of his teammates. Can’t really blame the kids when their parents are no better, though. Did get to see part of the Auburn-South Carolina baseball game on the giganto teevee, which was pretty good—I’m glad I missed the one later in the day when Alabama whacked ‘em 13-3. Thank goodness it wasn’t football.

Got through eating and gabbing and then it was time to go to the Butterfly Store.

If any of you read Southern Living magazine, Larry Anderson pointed out a few days back that this month’s issue had a little blurb on Trussville, which included a short write-up on Cedar Street Garden Shop. This is what Catherine calls the Butterfly Store—all those flowers means all those butterflies, and I think she thinks that they come with the plants when you buy them.

In any event, it’s her most favoritest place to go shopping, aside from every other place, and the visit was arranged as a bribe to take her mind off the multitude of uncomfortable mosquito bites on her legs. (It never seemed to occur to any of us that their might also be mosquitoes in addition to butterflies at the Butterfly Store, but there you go.)

Got there and looked around a bit and surveyed all the damage they got in the flood earlier this month. Their building had nearly five feet of water inside, and they had a couple of trucks and Bobcats that demonstrated their submarine abilities. They’re still cleaning up muck and gunk, but at least they’re still plugging along. We looked around for a while, saw the mom of one of the kids in Rebecca’s class (who scandalized Rebecca by having on only shorts and a spandex jogging top—“Mama!! She just has on UNDERWEAR!!”) and not finding anything both inexpensive and pretty, we went on over to the hardware store across the tracks.

They got hit pretty hard, also—they have a big lumberyard right beside the rail line, and when the water came through all the lumber got jumbled around like a big pile of pick-up sticks. They too, are still trying to get fixed up, but at least the water didn’t get up so high inside the store. We did manage to find two things that are sure to make for many more stories—first was bird seed in a big resealable tub. Last year (as you most assuredly recall) I had a big bag of seed out in my Giant Plastic Playhouse That Is NOT A Storage Shed and it became home to a family of mice. But a bucket, SURELY, will be more secure! (Said with some sense of a sure-to-come comeuppance at the paws of the local rodentry.)

Also found a new birdfeeder to try out—we buy birdfeeders like Imelda Marcos bought shoes, continually and compulsively. But doggone it, at some point in here there has to be a time when I can find one that holds enough seed, is more or less water resistant, is easy to clean, and most important (aside from being cheap)—is squirrel-proof. Wood ones rot and let in too much water, and they usually have nice little seed trays that make perfect spots for big stupid doves and big clever squirrels to lounge about. Metal ones rust, plastic ones break, some can’t be cleaned. But the search goes on.

I think I have found one that does pretty well—clear acrylic tube, tight fitting metal top, metal perches that can't be gnawed off, lots of openings in the bottom to let any water out, and cheap. I wound up getting three of them, and if Sunday was any indication of their usefulness, things may go just fine. Woke up, ate breakfast and a biker gang of squirrels were all over the backyard. One climbed up the skinny little metal pole of one feeder, managed to get on top, hang upside down by his back legs, grab a perch below, try to get down, and fell. Repeatedly. HAH!! Another jumped over to the one by the pine tree and a had similar lack of success. They all finally gave up and sat their big bushy butts down in one of the little flat feeders close to the ground that I fill up for them and their big stupid pigeon brothers. That’s probably the easiest way to keep squirrels out of your birdfeeders—just pay ‘em off with a little easy to get seed.

Anywho, back to Saturday—no spectacular must-haves at Marvin’s (aside from the feeder) so we went on up to K-Mart to get our paint. Which sounds simple until you factor in the fact that they have a garden shop, too. “HEY!! THEY’S GOT BUTTERYFLIES, TOO!!”

Yep, they sure do.

The girls each picked out some little flower plants, and Jonathan decided to become a farmer with the purchase of two Big Boy tomato plants. Then we went and they learned how to mix paint—Martha Stewart "Bonnet Pink" consists of 5/32nds violet, 5/32nds red, and 7/32nds of insufferable, cloying triteness per gallon of Bright White Base. Just so you know, in case you want to experiment at home. Then they witnessed the magic and joy of the paint shaker, and then it was time to head home to get the plants in the ground and finish cutting the grass.

On the way, I spied a nice, straight 1959 Biscayne—two door sedan, refrigerator white, steel rims with dog dish hubcaps—the cheapest model of the ugliest Chevy. Hmm. Obviously, though, it had been worked on a bit. It had a particular stance and gait that seemed to be a bit more than stock. Might have been the fatness of the tires on the rims, or possibly the two discreet chrome tailpipes sneaking out the back. Probably NOT one for the import tuner kids to demonstrate their 2Fast, 2Furiousness on. I saw it again when we were coming home from church on Sunday, this time going in the same direction as we were—I slowed down a bit and let it pass—a quiet burble that didn’t sound like a small block and didn’t sound like a big block, and it had an antiroll bar on the axle the size of my wrist. Made me wonder if the guy had decided to go all out and drop in a 409—a boat anchor for sure, but extra nose-thumbing points when you walk off from a pimply-faced kid in a Civic that has more bass power in the stereo than it has torque. Just a tip, kids, but it’s best not to taunt such ugly pieces of iron.

In any event, we all got back to the house and unloaded shrubberies (you may call me Roger the Shrubber) and got them into the dirt, and I got started again on the grass. The back half of the yard has all the kid stuff in it, so it takes almost as much time to mow around as it does to cut the entire rest of the yard. The swing set is a bear, and it’s probably time to let go of it. It has been through four kids and the plastic parts long ago gave themselves up and the rust is about to get the rest. But the swings still work. Hard to get rid of working swings, and it does have some sentimental value. I have a picture of my father-in-law and me taken right after we finished setting it up at our old house in Irondale. It’s funny in a way, because we both have the same sort of unsmiling faces that you see in photographs from the nineteenth century of mill workers and convicts. It wasn’t THAT hard to put together! And to break down and move and reassemble. Better let it hang around a bit longer.

Beautiful day all around no matter how you cut it, though, and then it was time to come in and take my second shower of the day and scrub the kids of their daylong coating of grime and get them ready for church.

The time for which came after what seemed like only five minutes worth of sleep. Good classes and sermon, as always, then we had to scoot across town to go visit with Ashley’s grandparents. Saw a dead armadillo over on Daniel Payne Drive, which I suppose is probably a very fitting omen for the day, and that will be the extent of my comments on that subject.

Afterwards, we went back to the house, and looked around at Oldest’s room still locked in the messy embrace of clutter and bric-a-brac and junk and pictures on the walls and curtains on the windows and furniture in the way. “You know, we need to move this stuff so you can paint.” Operative words being “we”, meaning YOU; and “you”, meaning YOU. So YOU got to moving stuff while still in his Sunday duds, working up a nice moist glow. But after it was all over, there was no junk on the floor and there was maneuvering space around the perimeter sufficient for a painter exactly 3/4 of my size. Cooled off, read the paper a bit, went back to church, came home, ate supper, went to bed, and the next day being Monday, was given a welcome respite from chattery kids. They thought it was a regular day, and thankfully slept five minutes longer than normal. Hooray.

Got the spackle pot and putty knife out and covered over the millions of nail holes, got out the paint can and started going over the spackle holes and killing smudges and scrapes, and then proceeded on to the very most fun thing about painting, cutting in the trim.

Tiny room, really. Yet it has five inside corners, one outside corner, two windows and three doors. And space sufficient only for a chimpanzee to go between the stack of furniture. I, it must be noted again, am rather larger than a chimp, tending more to the lowland gorilla side of the primate growth chart. Painting all the hot spots and around all the baseboards and ceiling and doorways and corners took three hours. You heard right. But once that was done, the roller came out and the pace really picked up. It only took another hour and a half. Part of this was taken up by my proclivity to act like a real house painter and disappear for long periods of time, although once I returned I can say that I was stone cold sober. So it's not like I could do this for a living.

Another part of the time was taken by having to explain to curious children why paint stinks (it has special stinkifying agents so that you can find it in the dark), what THAT thing does (it is a paint can opener and spy radio), why is it called "Basket Pink" (because "Viscera Pink" was perceived by focus groups in a negative way--go figure), and what a ‘holiday’ is.

A holiday usually describes when a professional painter goes on a three day bender and returns to work with an altered perception of what has been painted and what has not, resulting in areas which receive no paint. In my case, it is when Daddy misses a spot with the roller because he is simultaneously trying not to get paint on himself or the floor or on the antique dresser which is 3 inches away from his gluteus.

“Daddy, you have a holiday HERE, and HERE, and one THERE, and there’s a long one HERE!”

“Uhh, well, it may look like it, but it’ll all even out by the time the paint dries.” (I learned that from a painter.)

“I don’t think so, Daddy—it’s not pink, it’s beigey colored.”

“Your mama’s calling you.”

“I didn’t hear her.”

“Maybe it was someone else—why don’t you run downstairs and see.”

“Okay.”

Then I ran back to where she was and touched up the spots she found. Just to make sure it does match when it dries.

Once done, The Missus got to come in and inspect and was suitably impressed and said it looked like a girl’s room. But, could I get the brush and get this spot HERE, and right around HERE, and up above the door THERE.

“I think once it dries it should even out.”

“Well, maybe, but I think this really is a spot you missed.” Obviously, she has talked to the same painter I had.

All done, and it looked pretty darned good. Went and washed the tools and brushes and got ready for supper. Yummy grilled chicken breasts cooked on the explosive natural gas devise. MMmm! While I sat recuperating from the day’s painting activity and waiting for the grille to get hot, I watched the birdies eating out of their new feeders. They seemed very happy, although it was a bit Hitchcockian when I slapped the yardbird on the fire to find that a very large gathering of starlings had taken roost up in the hickory tree. Watch it, birds. This could be YOU if you start thinking I look like Tippi Hedren.

Nothing came of the birds, and the chicken came off the fire nice and tasty. Eat, clean up, bed, wake up, and I wound up HERE!

Imagine that.



MMMmm...I love 'em with butter.

Just got a note from Andy over at World Wide Rant, who holds forth on the exciting addition of a Double A ball club to the Montgomery!

I'm sure they will have great success, with their hot and flaky outfield, and their soft, fluffy infield. Nothing better all covered in butter and Yellow Label syrup!

I will say that anyone who gets beaten by breakfast bread ought to be fired, just on general principle. And who would want to play for them? Although, you do have to admit it's probably the least offensive, most innocuous, least likely to be protested-by-special-interest-groups sort of name you can find.

Oh, well. What would we do without consultants?



Okay now, back for a minute or two--As always, the sleep-inducing recapitulation of my entire weekend will have to wait for a bit in order for the boys running the Linotype machines to get it all set, but when it does hit the page, whoo-BOY you'll be regaled with tales of The Buying of Paint, The Manly Act of Grass Cutting, The Soccer Party, The Trip to the Butterfly Store, The New Bird Feeders, More Manly Grass Cutting, Churching, Armadillo Requiescat In Pace, The Manly Act of Moving Furniture While Wearing a Suit, Painting, Painting, Painting, Painting, and then some Painting (OOOOH, I forgot The Manly Art of Grilling--sorry about that).

You won't want to miss it--unless you have something more pressing to accomplish such as stacking grains of sand one atop the other, or perhaps counting your eyelashes.

UNTIL SUCH TIME AS IT TAKES TO COMPLETE MY TASK, you should wander over to see Fred First this morning--Fred sent me a note yesterday (to which I am obviously very tardy in responding) and a link to a story he found in his stash of good stuff:
Just thought about you and folks south. Found an old journal entry from the Pleistocene, telling about a hiking trip to the Sipsey... in August, of all times! Of course, the bod was 30 years younger and I was invincible at the time. Just thot I'd send along the link, thinking maybe you or readers might have been up that way, and had fond memories as I do.
Thank you, Fred, and for those who have neglected to drop by Floyd County, Virginia to chat with Fred in the past, you will not be disappointed when you do stop in. Fred consistently writes some of the best work around, as well as being an accomplished photographer.

IN OTHER NEWS BEFORE I GO SCRIBBLE...I logged on this morning to Blogger, and found that my blog template was from two weeks ago. Hmmm. That's odd. I went ahead and put in a new quote and a new silly tagline at the top, as well as the first entry of the morning, expecting everything to post (and then having to go back and fix my links to the folks who I have added to the bloglist). Odd thing, but the entry showed up just fine, but the header didn't update. On screen, it's still the same one from LAST week.

Boy, that new Dano software is gonna be just ACES!, I tell you! I can hardly wait!

Stupid, STUPID Blogger.



Hello! Staff meeting beckons, will be back momentarily to abuse your patience...


Friday, May 23, 2003

You know...

No soccer games this weekend. Which means that Miss Reba has been working overtime in order to devise manly, constructive activities to fill up the time in order to keep my mind away from thoughts of some quick rounds of playing tickle and slap with her. ::sigh::

First up?

Painting Oldest Girl's bedroom.

I dislike painting simply because of the mess--if I had some help to clean up, the actual act of rolling paint on the wall and carefully cutting in the doors and windows and stuff is actually sort of relaxing in that little-cheap-sand-and-rock-Zen-garden-you-got-as-a-gag-gift sort of way. Up, down, side, side--eeeee-ease around that.... ::mind starts to wander toward the carnal::

And the fumes are pretty trick, too.

But it's never that easy--gotta go to K-Mart for to get something out of their Screaming Domestic Insider-Trading Harpy Collection--I suggested K-Mart the other night ONLY because the store stays nearly deserted nowadays, and I was looking for a way to get in and out quickly.

Stupid, stupid Daddy.

Boy wants to look at extrasuperneatocool video games, Four Girls spend miles of time carefully choosing between imperceptibly different shades of off-white, Dad leans agains nasty paint mixing counter, looking at ceiling and slowly drifting off in a reverie involving a Lamborghini Muira and a young Sophia Loren in a peasant dress. Fortunately for all concerned, I was able to break free from my daydream by the sounds of a Tiny Girl screaming her head off because her older sister pulled the paint card out of her hand and put it back in the holder.

Wow.

She's louder than an F-4 on afterburner.

After choosing a stack of samples only slightly thicker than a phone book so that they may each be held up against various wall art hung in the room (in order to match the exact shade of light, grayey-lavenderish, pinkish rose beige in the corner of the third flower petal on the left behind the girl's hand in the picture), there is the final selection process, which boils down to two colors equally pleasing. "Well, let Dad pick which one he thinks is better." Thus guaranteeing that no matter what, the wrong color will be chosen, leading to Oldest's social ostracism and no small damage to her psyche, to be brought up on a psychiatrist's couch thirty years hence as the time Dad forced her to live in a room with black painted walls. Do I sound slightly less than enthusiastic? So sorry, but having been down these road before, I know just as surely as Kowalski that there's a bulldozer down at the end of it.

And the worst part of this analogy is that Barry Newman didn't have to move all the furniture to the middle of the room and take all the pictures down and spackle the holes in the wall and clean up the mess at the end of it.

So, on to manly activity two.

More plants.

As with painting, the prospect of digging a hole and dropping another living, breathing thing into it and covering it with dirt is not without its fun side, but somehow that gets lost in having to stand there with my Aerobic Post-Holeizers working on my pecs and lats. And then, you know what happens? That crap GROWS, meaning that there is a Manly Activity 2.1, Plant Trimming.

Everything is in overdrive with the rain and all, so it all must be punished with the string trimmer and edger and hedge shears and a variety of defoliants. Stupid plants can't take a hint, either--just keep coming back for more.

Exhausted thus by Manly Activities 1, 2 and 2 point one, I assume there will be Non-manly Activities in great abundance (cooking, cleaning, washing, doily-making) to insure, at least in Miss Reba's mind, that I am so thoroughly weakened that thoughts of a sneak attack upon her flanks will be cast far from my mind.

Well, let her think what she will.

Heh heh.

See you all Tuesday, and have a happy and safe Memorial Day.



Today's The Last Day!!

If you can, be sure to pop in at Knebworth House, with its frothy spires and sitting in its lush, silvan landscape, so that you might help--in the way that is so well known to all your friends and even more so by your enemies--the family Lytton (of old and noble lineage) celebrate the bicentennial of the nativity of her most famous son, Edward George Earle Bulwer Lytton.

While you're out and about, you might even wish to drop by and leave some of your finer jottings with the good folks at the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

You'll be glad you did; glad in the way that small children, when supplied with treacle and tea cakes, jump and cavort jollily even as their stern governess looks upon them with disgust in her small, bead-like eyes whilst she yearns for release from her charges--this despite the fact that her master pays her 3 and 10 a month, with the Sabbath to spend as she pleases--for she detests the noise and the mess.



Hussein Son, Uday, Is Thinking of Surrendering to U.S.

72 virgins breathe collective sigh of relief.



Tim Blair Packs, Moves to Spleenville

Still types upside down.



You know, millions of people ask the same question every day...

"Why is it, Mr. Possum, that the fearsome and highly agitatible Alabama Sunflower Fanciers and Reloading Guild (better known as the Axis of Weevil), only has thirty-eight members?"

Well, it's like this, Millions of People--the standards for admission to the organization are so incredibly high, so tough, so obdurate, so (hold on ::flip flip::), so unyeilding, so exacting, so harsh, so stringent--that of the teeming swarms of life forms who write their own blog, only thirty-eight have been able to be brain-washe...convinced that being in such a group was worthwhile.

BUT, every once in a while, some guileless, unsuspecting writer will come along--maybe even all the way to Birmingham, where he is buying a house, and having sushi with sugarmama, and provoking Acidman to link to him so folks will leave comments, and trying to wear corrective ophthalmological devices--maybe someone just like that will come along, and when I send him an e-mail inquiring of his interest in joining the AoW and maybe buying some magazine subscriptions so I can go on a trip with my noseflute ensemble to Anaheim, that this individual knows no better than to answer--such is the case with young Rich Miller, recent transplant from the Old Dominion, to whom I sent via Chet the E-Mail Boy, the following note:
Hi Rich,

Fellow Birminghamian checking in here, [Top Secret portion redacted in order to maintain operational security] since you are now firmly ensconced here in the Great State of Anxiety and Barbecue, and since it seems you hang with some mighty nice company, I was wondering if you might be interested in being ceremonially inducted into the world-famous Axis of Weevil.
As Chet stood by waiting patiently, Rich answered in the affirmative, filled out the application, slipped Chet a quarter, and sent him on his way with the all important package of information, which we reproduce below for your perusal and for your use in later attempts at blackmail:
1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

*** Check. Am in the process of buying a house.

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

*** Hell, I was born in California and was once married to a New Jersey girl; what's left to be ashamed of?
Visitors from the Garden and the Golden States are reminded that HE said it, not me. My agreement with the sentiment expressed should mean nothing to you.
3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

*** I'm a good pretender. I come from a long line of Prussians who do NOT suffer fools gladly.

4) Functionally literate

*** I try to let others be the judge, but I types pretty good.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

*** I am a proper-case Nazi.
Must be the Prussian thing...
6) Update your blog more than once a month

*** The figures don't lie.

7) Willing to be made fun of

*** Willingness has nothing to do with it, evidently. :-)
You learn quickly, young Skywalker.
8) Willing to make fun of yourself

*** Moi?
Oui, vous! Now quit all that French jibber-jabber before you are overrun by Prussians!
9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

*** .50-cal sa-LUTE!
Remember folks, when the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

*** Check. I have several boxes that I'm likely to get sued for asking the movers to heft, due to their excessive book content.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

*** Whistles the riff from "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" while carrying his fishin' pole (never baited) into Mayberry.
Bloody showoff...
12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

*** The one qualification I do not have, though pick-up lines I have a-plenty (courtesy Google et al.)

"Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

"Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya."

"Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be."


Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, be good to your waitress...
Oooh, you're going to be a handful at the company picnic.

SO THEN, having demonstrated a firm grasp of grammar, logic, rhetoric, arithmetic, music, geometry, and astronomy, it is with great pride. and by the powers granted us by the producers of the popular Telemundo novela "Ladrón de Corazones", that we, the Yellowhammer Yard Sale and Blogging Club do hereby welcome and induct one Rich "Brain Squeezings" Miller as the 39th Member of the Axis of Weevil, with all of the magical superhero powers and group discounts pertaining thereto.

As with all new members of the Axis of Weevil, Rich will be receiving the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for his nonexistent pickup truck that he better be finding real quick so as to more better fit in, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale.

In addition to these wonderful items, Rich will receive one of our friend Jimmy's (the guy from next door) painted rocks to place at the end of his new driveway. Jimmy, whose condition is somewhat better, thank you for asking, has branched out in his rock-painting business, and is now doing celebrity likenesses--he says the favorites so far are Shania Twain, Jesus, and his brother Todd.

Rich, be sure to stop by Louise's office in Personnel to get your identification card made and let her know if you will be cheering for Alabama or Auburn (these are the only two choices, and you better get used to it RIGHT now). Also, please remember as you drive around your new home here in Birmingham that using turn signals identifies you as a interfering, obnoxious, Hilary Clinton-loving, outsider.

So, go see Rich right now and let him know you love him in that special way!





You want answers? Oh, we GOT answers!

Raelian set to explain beliefs
GREG GARRISON
News staff writer

The Raelians, who claimed to have cloned a human and believe aliens created all life on earth by cloning, will land their spaceship philosophy in Birmingham with a public lecture Sunday.

"The first time I heard of this, it was very strange," said the featured speaker, French-born Damien Marsic, who is working on his doctorate in biotechnology at the University of Alabama at Huntsville. "I thought, 'How can people believe in these things?'"

Marsic will speak Sunday at 4 p.m. at the Birmingham Public Library auditorium downtown, explaining the beliefs of Raelians, a non-profit organization whose goal is to build an embassy to welcome back the extraterrestrials they say created earth.

"It's an informational lecture," Marsic said. "Our goal is not to convert people. We're just presenting information and inviting people to analyze this information."

The Raelians garnered international publicity on Dec. 27 with their so-far unsubstantiated claim of the first cloned human, a seven-pound girl named Eve.

Marsic said the cloning was claimed by a company called Clonaid, formed by Raelians, and he doesn't know if it's true. "I think it's quite possible," Marsic said. "I don't have any specific information."

The Raelian movement began in 1973, when French journalist Claude Vorilhon claimed a four-foot-tall alien visited him atop a volcano in France and told him the secrets of the universe. The alien arrived in a flattened-bell-shaped spacecraft, had long dark hair, almond-shaped eyes, olive skin and "exuded harmony and humor," according to Raelian Web site, www.rael.org. [...]
Possumblog Exclusive--the only known photograph of Vorilhon and the four-foot-tall alien, taken at a private party, circa 1978.



Groundhog Day

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I got to thinking, "Hey, it's been hours since it last rained." And then it started. Just as I pulled in to the Winn-Dixie parking lot. And it kept raining--I ran in to get some soft drinks and cash so I could go pick up our dinner (takeout from Big Dragon!) and the Big Guy turned on the spigot again.

Oh well.

At least it wasn't so bad for me, but yesterday afternoon was graduation day for the kids at Hewitt-Trussville. I took what I figured was going to be a shortcut around the afternoon traffic on North Chalkville, and ran smack into all the moms and dads and seniors traipsing over, in the rain, to the stadium. So much for a shortcut, but inching along did give me time to peoplewatch, which is usually pretty entertaining.

As usual with such events, there seemed to be a disproportionate number of young guys for whom this was the first occasion that Mom and Dad INSISTED that a suit be worn, so there were a goodly number of lanky, somewhat self-conscious eighteen year olds walking around with trousers wadded up around the tops of their uncomfortable new shoes, and with jackets that had sleeves and shoulders made for men two inches taller and fifty pounds heavier--"Don't worry, you'll grow into it." Not no more, mama--he's growed as much as he's going to.

This was in marked contrast to the girls. Each one looking like she could have just stepped out of a fashion magazine, yet all so oddly unaware of how they look that they are going to go out after graduation with the scrawny boys in the too-big suits. This is why America is the greatest nation on earth.

Drove on down a bit, and saw the unfortunate side of having a pretty young daughter--that is, if you quietly envy her good looks and freedom and wish it was you going out afterwards with the kid in the too-big suit. From up the block a ways, it was just two girls under a couple of umbrellas--got closer and found I was half right. The one walking slightly ahead on the sidewalk was decked out in her sandblasted jeans and her cute top that had some jiggle coming up out of the neckline and the cute shoes she got at Saks. Just behind was Mom--same cute shoes from Saks, preternaturally emaciated in order to fit into her own pair of sandblasted capri jeans and a kewl blue-camo shirt that appeared painted on, wearing the too-taut, grim-mouthed look of someone on a first name basis with the receptionist at the plastic surgeon's office--she loves it when her daughter's friends say she's like, sooo cool. She refuses to hear the part about 'for someone so old'. Takes all sorts, I suppose.

Finally got past all the graduation traffic, and the sky lightened a bit, and then the Devil started beating his wife with a frying pan.

This is the odd old expression used to describe the phenomenon of when it's raining, but the sun is also shining. I'm not sure who came up with it or exactly what it's supposed to mean--I suppose it means the combination of good and bad at the same time...it's rainy but sunny. You figure it's a bad thing to beat your wife, but then again, it is Scratch's wife getting it, so maybe it's alright. Still don't know if the frying pan has any signficance aside from it was just the nearest thing at hand. Or hoof. Google comes to the rescue on this one--I just typed in "devil beating his wife" and got 62 results! This one says the phrase originated in Hungary, this one claims the raindrops are Mrs. Satan's tears, and THIS ONE seems to be compendium of all the phrases in the world used to describe the thing (and it notes that down South we are supposed to be saying "behind the back door" instead of "with a frying pan". I like my version just fine.) Since I originally started this thing going for Chinese food, I guess it would be more appropriate to use the Chinese expression, but one wasn't listed in there, so I suggest he was beating her with a wok.

ANYway, got on up the road and got our food and got back home and the rain clouds finally went on off. Ate, put up the dishes, the kids went to the den to play, and Reba and I went outside to walk around and see what all the water had done for us. Well, for one, the roses are starting to die off a bit on the tops, and a branch on Jonathan's pear tree shrivelled up, and the iris leaves have started turning a sickly yellow green. Eww. The grass and weeds seem to be enjoying themselves, however, along with the wisteria, so if it's even remotely dry this afternoon, they all get to feel the edgy, whirling death of the old Murray. Of course, I've been saying for three weeks now that I was going to get the lawn mower out, but in the immortal words of Bullwinkle J. Moose, "Thith time, fer sure!!"

And you thought I'd get a break once soccer season was over!


Thursday, May 22, 2003

Well, there's losing, and then there's just not scoring as many times as the other team...

I choose to believe the girls from Cape Henlopen just ran out of time.

(Fritz, be sure and tell that certain right fullback that she has a rooting section down in Dixie!)



Hey, today's National Maritime Day!

It was first proclaimed by FDR in 1933 to honor Merchant Mariners and to commemorate the passage of the steamship SS Savannah across the Atlantic in 1819. The Savannah is generally credited as the first steamship to cross the Atlantic, but it was also rigged for sail, and used its engine only a small portion of the time during the passage.

(Thanks to the magic of Google, we find at least one very partisan fellow who notes that the Dutch ship Curacao made the first transatlantic passage entirely under its own power a few year later in 1826.)

Anyway, go do boaty things to celebrate.



Hooray!

Sunshine!! I just went next door to Sneaky Pete's for some chicken for lunch, and the sky was blue (some) and Ol' Mister Sun was shining proudly (a bit) and the little pavement birds were sweetly chirping (except for one which had a pretty bad cough) and all the bums who followed City Stages into town last week are gone now and the regular crew is now back (with the exception of Screaming Guy, which is probably just as well) and I just know that some nice guy from Nike (or Nigeria) will be contacting me soon to give me a great big suitcase full of money!

Ahhh, sunshine.



High School Hoop Star Lebron James in Nike Deal
CHICAGO (Reuters) - A bunch of ping-pong balls in the NBA draft lottery will decide Thursday which team gets high school basketball star LeBron James, but the phenom has already hit the endorsement lottery, agreeing to tout Nike shoes in a deal reportedly worth more than $90 million.[...]
ATTENTION NIKE EXECUTIVES: I will happily tout Nike shoes for considerably less than $90 million. Give me a call.





Deer Walks Through Airport Security
OMAHA, Neb. - It had to look suspicious.

A deer walked through the revolving doors and made its way to the baggage claim area of Eppley Airfield around 7 a.m. CDT Wednesday. [...]
Aroused from their sleep, agents with the Transportation Safety Administration quickly found the deer, standing next to Mrs. Idalene Mabe, a ninety-year-old grandmother of twelve. After Mrs. Mabe was tackled and subdued, she was subjected to two hours of intensive questioning before being released.



Iraq was no immediate threat to US, senator says in slam at Bush
WASHINGTON (AFP) - US Senator Robert Byrd -- a senior Democrat -- issued a scathing denunciation of White House military and diplomatic policy, particularly of the recently-concluded war in Iraq which he said may have been waged in violation of international law.

"The American people may have been lured into accepting the unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation, in violation of long-standing international law, under false premises," Byrd said, in offering some of the most unvarnished criticism yet by Democrats of the US-led war on Iraq.

"Our costly and destructive bunker-busting attack on Iraq seems to have proven, in the main, precisely the opposite of what was the urgent reason to go in.

"This house of cards built of deceit will fall," said Byrd, a West Virginian and the most senior member of the US Senate, in comments delivered from the Senate floor.
Amazing how different the world looks when you see it through two eyeholes cut in a sheet, eh?



Chet the E-Mail Boy is on the MOVE today!!

This just in from Jim Smith in Dan'l Boone country:
Subject: chia possum

Given time and creativity, it might be possible to make mildew look like a full head of hair. In the Birmingham climate this should continue to grow for a long time. Of course you are too young to have that problem.
Sadly, although flattering to think it might be true, I am not too young to have to wrestle with the spector of male pattern baldness. I am well into my golden curmudgeon years, and only a few short winters away from total decrepit bittertude.

I do have, however, a nice thick pile of head fur, making the addition of mildew not the least bit welcome.

Yes, I realize it may be styled and shaped nicely in a Ron Popeil, hair-in-a-spraycan fashion, and it is certainly cheaper. But, it is simply too much. I know, I know--you say, "what about the sloth and his algae-coated hair?" WHAT OF HIM!! I say. Nasty, seven-deadly-sin, green-haired punk-rocker sort of critter--not the least bit noble like your lovable marsupial type people.

I just cannot care how well it covers, the mildew must go.

I now retire to my chambers for a nice Clorox rinse.



Nate McCord over at Wasted Electrons took note that I posted a VERY rare, non-8-5 weekday entry last night FROM HOME. I told Nathaniel not to make fun of me, that I couldn't help myself because I HAVE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE BLOG DISORDER! To which Nate helpfully replied:
Next thing you know you'll be saying "I was either going to kill myself or I was going to kill the blogger persona." And forging your expense reports to the Possumblog accounting department!
Actually, I had to laugh when I read that. From my perspective, and I know I shouldn't be saying this, I fooled some of the most brilliant people in bloggerism. They're all so smart, but I was sitting right under their nose fooling them.*

As for forging the expense accounts, I have not been charged with any crime, and I need at least 170 million dollars in order to pay my legal expenses and the salaries of the crew of my personal yacht. Really.



*Or not.



Groundhog Day

As I was driving in to work today, I got to thinking, "Hey, it's been hours since it last rained." And then it...it...DIDN'T START RAINING!

Of course, it's still awfully cloudy, and I have a rather thick coating of mildew, but at least I didn't need a snorkel to get to my desk.

As for American Idol, my only comment is, what was the deal with Clay standing facing Ruben right before they announced the winner? It looked like he was going to kiss him on the cheek or something. In any event, again, congratulations to an incredibly talented young fellow and to his family, and a special thanks to Ruben for his unfailing support of Alabama and of Birmingham. It's not easy for us to get positive press, but his success and willingness to tie that success to his hometown means a lot.


Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Oh, please people...was there any doubt?!

Congratulations, young man!



Well, well, well...

Interesting story this afternoon via the Birmingham Business Journal , who heard it from Bloomberg News: Donald Watkins making bid for HealthSouth
Steven Mackay Staff

Donald Watkins, the main attorney behind the defense of embattled HealthSouth Corp.'s fired CEO Richard Scrushy, apparently is organizing an effort to buy the health-care provider.

Reports from Bloomberg News say that Watkins, along with other investors, is making a bid to buy HealthSouth, the nation's largest provider of outpatient surgery, diagnostic imaging and rehabilitative health-care services.

Scrushy would hold an advisor-only relationship to HealthSouth if the apparent bid is successful, according to a report by Dow Jones Business Wire. Bloomberg reported Scrushy would not have an ownership stake in the company.

However, HealthSouth believes if there is anything to the reported acquisition attempt, it would be to restore a controlling position for Scrushy in the company he founded in 1984 with four other investors.

"I can't imagine any circumstances in which Richard Scrushy would be permitted to acquire control of this company," says a HealthSouth spokesman. "We have not received any contact on this matter from Richard Scrushy or his representatives."
Nor are you likely to. In any event, the millions that Mr. Scrushy said he needed to to be unfrozen by the SEC to pay for his extry-'spensive legal services and living expenses seems like it might be recycled back into the local economy by way of his attorney. How very convenient! And it's not like Mr. Scrushy will own the company, now is it? No...someone else ENTIRELY will own it.
[...] In debt by some $3.3 billion, the company is trying to stave off bankruptcy. It already has defaulted on a $1.25 billion credit facility, but says lenders are unlikely to sue. A HealthSouth spokesman says the company's finances are still being reviewed by auditor PricewaterhouseCoopers and turnaround firm New York-based Alvarez & Marsal Inc. The results are due in late June.

In recent months, Watkins has made headlines himself in bids to purchase a Major Baseball League team.
Ball team...hospitals--what's the diff?

Overall, I'd say the whole thing has the fragrant aroma of a rendering plant.



I have this thing I do occasionally (alright now, stop that train of thought RIGHT now!) when things get slow--I'll type in the day's date into Google, along with a year significant in American history, such as the years of 1776-82, 1861-65, 1917-18, 1941-45, you get the picture--and see what sort of letters and other correspondence might be out there. It's usually pretty interesting, and it's a good way to get some historical perspective.

I did the same for today, using "May 21, 1864" as the search string, and found a website devoted to the career of Sam Clemens at the Virginia City (Nevada) Territorial Enterprise (during the time in which he became Mark Twain). On the date in question, Mr. Clemens became embroiled in a feisty exchange with James Laird, Esq., proprietor of the rival Virginia Union, which had published a snide response to a Clemens' editorial which Clemens wished to have retracted, or else that he be satisfied as a gentleman. That's right, he was calling Mr. Laird out.

After and exchange of seven letters (the carrying back-and-forth of which probably exhausted his equivalent of Possumblog's Chet, the E-Mail Boy) and the refusal of the publisher to either fight or retract, Mr. Clemens had the following last words:
I denounce Mr. Laird as an unmitigated liar, because he says I published an editorial in which I attacked the printers employed on the Union, whereas there is nothing in that editorial which can be so construed. Moreover, he is a liar on general principles, and from natural instinct. I denounce him as an abject coward, because it has been stated in his paper that its proprietors are responsible for all articles appearing in its columns, yet he backs down from that position; because he acknowledges the "code," but will not live up to it; because he says himself that he is responsible for all "editorials," and then backs down from that also; and because he insults me in his note marked "IV," and yet refuses to fight me. Finally, he is a fool, because he cannot understand that a publisher is bound to stand responsible for any and all articles printed by him, whether he wants to do it or not.

SAM. L. CLEMENS
Take that, "Paper of Record"--nary a moose in sight.

In any event, there are a stack of transcriptions of Clemens work at the Enterprise, including this beaut about a local theater production:
REVIEW OF "INGOMAR THE BARBARIAN"

ACT. 1. - Mrs. Claughley appears in the costume of a healthy Greek matron (from Limerick). She urges Parthenia, her daughter, to marry Polydor, and save her father from being sold out by the sheriff - the old man being in debt for assessments.

Scene 2. - Polydor - who is a wealthy, spindle-shanked, stingy old stockbroker - prefers his suit and is refused by the Greek maiden - by the accomplished Greek maiden, we may say, since she speaks English with out any perceptible foreign accent.

Scene 3. - The Comanches capture Parthenia's father, old Myron (who is the chief and only blacksmith in his native village) they tear him from his humble cot, and carry him away, to Reese River. They hold him as a slave. It will cost thirty ounces of silver to get him out of soak.

Scene 4. - Dusty times in the Myron family. Their house is mortgaged - they are without dividends - they cannot "stand the raise."

Parthenia, in this extremity, applies to Polydor. He sneeringly advises her to shove out after her exiled parent herself.

She shoves!

ACT II. - Camp of the Comanches. In the foreground, several of the tribe throwing dice for tickets in Wright's Gift Entertainment. In the background, old Myron packing faggots on a jack. The weary slave weeps - he sighs - he slobbers. Grief lays her heavy hand upon him.

Scene 2. - Comanches on the war-path, headed by the chief, Ingomar. Parthenia arrives and offers to remain as a hostage while old Myron returns home and borrows thirty dollars to pay his ransom with. It was pleasant to note the varieties of dress displayed in the costumes of Ingomar and his comrades. It was also pleasant to observe that in those ancient times the better class of citizens were able to dress in ornamental carriage robes, and even the rank and file indulged in Benkert boots, albeit some of the latter appeared not to have been blacked for several days.

Scene 3. - Parthenia and Ingomar alone in the woods. "Two souls with but a single thought, etc." She tells him that is love. He "can't see it."

Scene 4. - The thing works around about as we expected it would in the first place. Ingomar gets stuck after Parthenia.

Scene 5. - Ingomar declares his love - he attempts to embrace her - she waves him off, gently, but firmly - she remarks, "Not too brash, Ing., not too brash, now!" Ingomar subsides. They finally flee away, and hie them to Parthenia's home.

ACTS III and IV. - Joy! Joy! From the summit of a hill, Parthenia beholds once more the spires and domes of Silver City.

Scene 2. - Silver City. Enter Myron. Tableau! Myron begs for an extension on his note - he has not yet raised the whole ransom, but he is ready to pay two dollars and a half on account.

Scene 3. - Myron tells Ingomar he must shuck himself, and dress like a Christian; he must shave; he must work; he must give up his sword! I His rebellious spirit rises. Behold Parthenia tames it with the mightier spirit of Love. Ingomar weakens - he lets down - he is utterly demoralized.

Scene 4. - Enter old Timarch, Chief of Police. He offers Ingomar - but this scene is too noble to be trifled with in burlesque.

Scene 5. - Polydor presents his bill - 213 drachmas. Busted again - the old man cannot pay. Ingomar compromises by becoming the slave of Polydor.

Scene 6. - The Comanches again, with Thorne at their head! He asks who enslaved the chief? Ingomar points to Polydor. Lo! Thorne seizes the trembling broker, and snatches him bald-headed!

Scene 7. - Enter the Chief of Police again. He makes a treaty with the Comanches. He gives them a ranch apiece. He decrees that they shall build a town on the American Flat, and appoints great Ingomar to be its Mayor! [Applause by the supes.]

Scene 8. - Grand tableau - Comanches, police, Pi-Utes, and citizens generally - Ingomar and Parthenia hanging together in the centre. The old thing - The old poetical quotation, we mean - They double on it - Ingomar observing "Two souls with but a single Thought," and she slinging in the other line, "Two Hearts that Beat as one." Thus united at last in a fond embrace, they sweetly smiled upon the orchestra and the curtain fell.
Man alive, that Twain feller needs to get a blog!

(The entire compendium of Twainiacal articles can be found here, and the entire twainquotes site is the result of the hard work of Barbara Schmidt, who describes herself as an "independent researcher, writer and consultant for Mark Twain related projects. So there you go.)



Did I happen to mention that it's raining?

I did? Hard to keep track of it.

I went out to get a bite to eat for lunch, and the sky is filled with great, huge bowling-ball-sized drops of rain. Not to be ungrateful, because I know come August everyone will be whining about wishing they could get some of that nice rain we had back in May, but I am getting a bit more that satisfied with the amount of precipitation.



"I'll catch you."1

H.D. Miller discusses plagiarism:
I am especially angered by Goggle [sic] Plagiarism, because the act implies that the professor (me in this case) is too stupid to figure out what's going on. That's why my syllabus now contains the following very direct warning on academic honesty:
If you cheat, I’ll catch you. Guaranteed. Resist at all costs the temptation to download or copy entire papers or large sections of research. Not only have I read extensively in the usual sources, but I also have an excellent idea of your writing abilities and styles, and can tell when students are not using their own words. If you’re caught cheating, you’ll fail the class.
Pretty direct, no?

So perfectly direct and perfectly clear that none of those I caught cheating (including an officer of the History Club, a junior who should have known better) could deny the meaning of my policy. Nor could they reasonably appeal the "F" they earned by their behavior. [...]
When did reason get mixed in here!?


1H.D. Miller. "Cheater" Travelling Shoes 20 May, 2003, 6:13 p.m. Available from http://travellingshoes.blogspot.com/#94662628. Internet. Accessed 21 May 2003.



Updates

I have been remiss in not keeping up with folks, and while all the rest of you have already updated your links to Matthew Stinson's A Fearful Symmetry, I'm just now getting around to it. Apologies.

AND there's a new addition of Kim Crawford's Velociblog. Kim lives down in the Sunshine State and stumbled in here last week sometime and fell atop a heap of Erskine Caldwell, which prompted him to opine about the author of Tobacco Road:
[...] Caldwell has the burden of creating the tobacco road white trash creature that was easily lampooned, but few scholars ever looked through the castigation and found the heart in Caldwell. And that's too damned bad. All of us, ultimately, have a Jeter Lester in our heritage, the issue is how do you deal with that? [...]
Equal parts love, hate, envy and revulsion.



I love the mint flavor.

This from the Birmingham Business Journal: Wal-Mart to carry 'mental_floss'
Steven Mackay Staff

Retail giant Wal-Mart now will carry Birmingham-based mental_floss magazine at its U.S. stores beginning in June.

"We're delighted that we will now be available in the world's leading retailer," says Will Pearson, cofounder and president of mental_floss, in a press statement. "This is another major step forward for us - and it reflects the extremely positive response we're generating with the media, the marketplace and, most important, our readers."

A Birmingham native, Pearson founded the education magazine with a group of friends while a student at North Carolina's Duke University.

The magazine moved to Birmingham last year and has received praise in magazines Newsweek and Entertainment Weekly, as well as being featured on the television sitcom "Friends." [...]
Despite the Friends appearance, mental_floss is actually pretty neat--I've picked up copies before, and it's a bit of a cross between Scientific American and MAD Magazine, with a bit of Jeopardy, some of Bullwinkle as Mr. Know-it-all, and several Milton-Bradley board games thrown in, too. Here's a link to their staff bios, which might explain it better. And Fritz Schranck might like to know that it has a Delaware connection, too!

Best of all, now I don't have to go to one of them fancy book selling places to get it!



Baa.

Obviously, you've already been HERE already, but just in case you haven't, you should.
[...] Contrary to the slogans of Orwell’s nightmare, Ignorance is not strength.

Unless you're a respected journalist. Then it’s job security.



That's a ton of money--Flood recovery may cost Trussville over $4 million
ANITA DEBRO
News staff writer

It may cost Trussville more than $4 million to recover from flood damage caused during a storm that dumped at least 10 inches of water into City Hall.

Mayor Gene Melton said last week that early estimates given to the Federal Emergency Management Agency suggest the city needs around $4.5 million to clean and repair the interior of City Hall, as well as replace equipment and vehicles of the police and fire departments lost to flood damage.

Flood waters rose so high at the municipal complex during the May 8 storm that employees and prisoners had to be evacuated.

Officials said the waters were highest and did the most damage to the Trussville Fire Department Station No. 1, which is in the back of the building. The municipal complex is flanked by Pinchgut Creek and the Cahaba River. Flood levels caused the Pinchgut to spill into the complex. [...]
10 inches may not sound like a lot, but when you consider that the floor level of City Hall sits about two feet above the surrounding parking lots, you get a better idea of how much water was in there. But at least the city government has a way to pay for repairs--there is a whole line of small shops along Main Street that were hit just as hard, including a car dealer who stored other people's RVs in a lot in the rear of the dealership. Not very much of a building, but a tremendous amount of dollars sitting out in a big puddle of muck. Three restaurants, two banks, a couple of clothing stores, a mini-storage place, a couple repair shops--all completely unprepared for what happened. Most appear to be working on getting back in business, but it's going to be tough.

Such is life.



Groundhog Day

As I was driving in to work today, I got to thinking, "Hey, it's been hours since it last rained." And then it started raining.

AAAGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

It's supposed to stop soon. Really. I saw it on the teevee. All gone by tomorrow.


Tuesday, May 20, 2003

McDonald's, Tyson Fall on Canada Mad Cow

Man, I would hate to fall on a Canada mad cow like that...I just hope they didn't get hurt, and that they washed their hands afterwards.





The American Whistle Company!! Link via this article: Ohio whistle manufacturer prides itself on custom designs
[...] The company also creates the NFL commemorative gold-plated whistles for the officiating crew at the Super Bowl each year. Since the league does not have an official whistle, referees must use whistles they buy themselves, said Mike Pereira, league director of officiating.

American Whistle has provided the Super Bowl whistles for nearly a decade. Each whistle has the Super Bowl logo and the referees' initials.

"That, quite frankly, is one of the mementos that most of the guys cherish more than any of the other things," said NFL official Bill Carollo, head referee during the last Super Bowl. "The whistle is not only a piece of our official equipment, it symbolizes control on the field."

The Los Angeles Police Department hands out the company's custom whistles to citizens as part of its community safety program. Officer Tanya Hanamaikai said people cannot get enough of the whistles, which are stamped with the department's badge.

"They love it," Hanamaikai said. "They think it's something totally special and it is. It's not like anything else the LAPD has." [...]
I have a 300-I, by the way.





Oh, great--just what I need...

Just got an interesting interoffice memo out of the mailbox:
SUBJECT: Threat Letters From Brazil

The following information has been received from the North Alabama Joint Terrorism Task Force:

A number of threat letters have been received nation wide, which originated in Brazil (Brazilian postmark). The letters contained a green, leafy substance, which the sender claims is contaminated with a flu-like virus called Zamparina.

Due to the nature of the Zamparina virus, it is highly unlikely it could have been spread in this manner; however, two locations each in Tuscaloosa and Montgomery have reported threat letters of this type being received. Most letters have been addressed to the local Chamber of Commerce or the local City Hall.

Please contact the Chief's office if you investigate or receive any letters or packages from Brazil, or any other threat-related correspondence.
Well, you know a phone number would have been nice to include, but hey, whadda I know.

Well, for one thing, how to use Google, from which I found that the only information about this mysterious zamparina is confined almost entirely to the fact that it afflicted one Antonio Francisco Lisbon, a.k.a. Aleijadinho; sculptor, architect, wood carver, considered an important Brazilian artist of the colonial period, and was the bastard son of the architect and Portuguese master builder Manuel Francisco Lisbon. This site delves a bit into the supposed identity of the disease, which was characterized by crippling degeneration of the extremities. The name of the illness is supposedly taken from an Italian singer who also suffered from it, and it is variously speculated that it could have been leprosy, rheumatoid arthritis, syphilis, polio, and even porphyria. Basically, no one really knows what it was, but it's doubtful he got it from a box of leafy, green substance.

Just me, but it seems like it would have been nice to explain in the memo a little of this, just to keep folks from wondering if they've got the zamp or not.

Other information that would have been nice to see is something about the North Alabama Joint Terrorism Task Force, which is administered out of the U.S. Attorney's office here in Birmingham. But there you go.

Man--I used to love Brazil nuts...



Perpetuating the Stereotype, Volume LXVII

'You Can't Beat a Drinking Pig'
DECATUR, Ala. - There's nothing like a beer-sipping swine to lure visitors to Alabama.

That's the hope of state tourism officials, who looked back in Decatur's history to find the poster pig for a campaign advertising a new series of walking tours in more than 30 Alabama towns and cities.

"The rest are good, but in terms of character you can't beat a drinking pig," said Brian Jones, spokesman for the Alabama Bureau of Tourism and Travel.
Well...yeah.
The drawing for the ad was inspired by an illustration of the pig in a book by Alabama tale-spinner Kathryn Tucker Windham.

The nameless but presumably soon-to-be-famous pig was said to be the only drinking buddy of Decatur's notorious late 19th century riverboat captain, Simp McGhee. McGhee, with his pig, was a natural choice for one of three separate ads for the tours, said Carlton Wood of Lewis Communications, the agency running the campaign.

"So even when we decided we had to do Simp, it was like what part of Simp's crazy history are we going to talk about," Wood said. "There's no doubt that a pig drinking beer as a visual, you just don't get a chance to use that in an ad every day."
Yeah, but it could really use some sort of celebrity tie-in--GET ME ARNOLD ZIFFEL ON THE PHONE!! (Well, his estate anyway--he's been bacon for over 30 years)
The other separate ads will feature Eufaula and Monroeville.

State tourism director Lee Sentell developed the state walking tours concept, which is based on a tour he started in Huntsville two years ago. He said the tours are cheap to promote and can help bring more tourists to small towns such as Ashland, Florala and Tuscumbia, which generally don't have large advertising budgets.

The number of towns and cities that wanted to participate grew quickly, Jones said.

"We were thinking maybe seven or eight cities," he said. "Then it was 10, 15, 20 and now more than 30." [...]
Well, you know, once you start that drinking pig bandwagon rolling, folks are just bound to want to jump on.

(And no, it has not escaped my notice that possums are not part of this little scheme. Not that I'm bitter.)



Shooting blanks, eh?

Dr. Reynolds and others have been talking about the allegations that the whole Jessica Lynch thing was staged and that the troops used blanks.

Funny, but in the grainy night-vision photos, I never seem to recall seeing a BFA on any of the weapons. A blank firing attachment is required on M-16s and the M-249 SAW (and most gas-operated firearms, for that matter) to allow the weapons to properly cycle--blanks don't produce enough compressed gases to make the bolt operate, so the BFA fits over the muzzle and allows sufficient pressure to build up in the barrel's gas port. While they are sorta small, they are noticeable since they are painted either yellow or red and they're hanging out there on the end of the weapon.

Oh, but maybe the military sent soldiers in with the tiny, Hollywood style blank adapters, which require you to remove the flash hider (which in turn requires a barrel vise and a healthy dose of torque), slide the adapter down into the end of the barrel, then put the flash hider back on. Once in place, they make firing live rounds (just in case some bad guys did show up) a recipe for the barrel to peel back like a banana, but you know, conspiracy theories don't require facts to operate properly.



Oh, I forgot something else.

No big surprise there, but in my mind-congealing recap of the weekend, I forgot that we had hamburgers Saturday evening for supper.

'Big whoop,' you say?

Well, these weren't just any hamburgers, but hamburgers cooked the insane idjit way, flame-broiled on the grill in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. When I started the grill, it was only a bit windy, and the giant black thundercloud was way to the south. By the time I slapped the dead cow down, said storm had suddenly moved northward, along with giant flashes of lighting and thunder.

Hmm. Daddy better go get the umbersal. Around front to the van for the big golf umbrelly, then back around to the patio. In that minute or two, the leading edge of the rain started beating a line right behind me--a hard edged line with nothing in front, and a complete deluge behind. I quickly flipped the burgers and closed the lid as the line reached me, then it was almost like sitting at the foot of Niagara Falls.

Wind, water, noise--AND the added goodness of the mmmMMM-good smell of hot meat.

You know, you think about a lot of things when you're cooking hamburgers in the middle of a potential cyclone.



Palestinians in Gaza town hold rare demonstration against militants
By IBRAHIM BARZAK
The Associated Press
5/20/03 9:34 AM

BEIT HANOUN, Gaza Strip (AP) -- Hundreds of residents of Beit Hanoun burned tires and blocked the main road Tuesday, in a burst of anger at militants who have prompted Israeli incursions by firing rockets from the town at Israeli targets. [...]
One hopes they do not suffer the fate of others seen by the "militants" as being friendly to Israel.



Sorry--just can't leave it be...

But I am still pumped up about the opener at the Barber Motorsports Park, which has quickly become just "The Park"--it's a beautiful course that has earned some well-deserved kudos. Here is a link to some photo galleries from TheRaceSite. Some good ones include the miscellaneous photos by Juha Lievonen (Be sure to check the whimsical insect sculptures and the real purty grounds, and this particularly dramatic shot with one of the many thunderstorms in the background, and this shot of the new Porsche Cayenne.)

Neat stuff.



Oh, now this just CAN'T be true...Teens Report Peer Pressure to Have Sex.

I am shocked...SHOCKED! that this is going on. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us that kids are trying to get each other to do things like smoke and drink and watch MTV!



Riley introduces plan for state at crossroads

Upping the ante 1.2 billion with a B dollars.

Right into the gaping maw of the people who got us into this trouble to begin with.

No, I don't want The Children™ or The Elderly™ or The Poor™ to suffer, and I'm sure that to the folks who praise this plan as not being a stopgap, band-aid approach do so only out of ignorance to what a real solution would look like, but in the end this only shifts around the same financial burden and does little to fix what truly is the problem--an antiquated system of governance and taxation that benefits a very few, very powerful groups. Until that system changes, there will continue to be inequities and the past pattern of fiscal crisis every few years will continue.



You know...

As I was driving in to work today, I got to thinking, "Hey, it's been hours since it last rained." And then it started raining. This is getting to be a lot like the rain sequence in One Hundred Years of Solitude, and while interesting from a literary life-imitating-art sort of viewpoint, it would be okay now if it stopped raining for a day or two.



Monday, May 19, 2003

Oops

In all the mindless drivel of my weekend, I forgot to mention that the U.S. Women's Soccer Team did okay, too. It's a shame that this was held on the last day of the local soccer league season--the crowd was announced at 12,000, but had all the folks who would normally have gone to this not already been engaged in games, there could have been three times as many.

Oh well. It's not like any of the players took off their shirts.

In other stuff related to stuff I've already talked about, the racetrack may sound nice to me, but there was a story on the news that the folks who live nearby aren't quite so enamored living next door to the live version of the "Sounds of Sebring" record. Seems some of the residents of a toney subdivision nearby were quite put out by all the combustion sound.

And here I was wondering when they would have their first 24 hour endurance race.



Funny, funny Blogger Boys!

Noticed this morning that the good folks at Pyra Labs are prepping their updated version of the handy and simple to use Blogger software known as Dano, and will be migrating ALLLLLL existing Blogger blogs to it in a few weeks. Over at the FAQ page, there were these FAed Qs:
What have you done for me lately?

Dano is built from completely re-designed code. This allowed us to fix many of the known problems of the current version as well as provide a platform upon which to build new features.

Known problems? There were things broke in the old version?

It's sad, but true. Archiving in particular was a troublesome area that's been redone and expanded, so no more misposted archives. [...]
You guys are a riot.

In any event, I'm sure that in keeping with past practice, this changeover will go very smoothly with no glitches at all, and the new software will work very well.



Oh, speaking of cars and roundy-round stuff, Nate McCord over at Wasted Electrons says that this would be the perfect family car for me. ON the other hand, Ron Bailey sent me this idea, and suggests it might be a fitting conveyance for the Possum brood.

I fear this is more along our line.



Caution: The following account of my weekend can lead to partial paralysis and numbness of the lower extremities.

Rain. And how.

Up early Saturday morning to take Boy for his final soccer game of the spring season. All dressed up, get his junk bag and water bottle and head out to Liberty Park. All the rain from the preceding days had made all the grass real pretty and green, but their fields don’t drain well and the whole place wound up like a peat bog. What a stinking slippery mess. Like playing in Teflon-coated axle grease. Good game though—the boys played very hard and wound up tieing 1-all. Jonathan got stepped on once, which made him limp around and moan some, but later on he got going and managed to bash himself in the head a couple of times (on purpose!) with the ball. He had a good time, and didn’t get incredibly dirty. However, the kid who likes to slide down for no apparent reason looked like he had been hydroseeded.

Pictures, then up to the van, where I made Little Stinky change into his clean uniform, then it was Part Two of our adventure, in which I got to hotfoot it downtown in order to take Oldest’s baritone clarinet to have a pad put on it. ::sigh:: “I DON”T KNOW HOW IT CAME OFF! I WAS JUST PLAYING AND IT CAME OFF!”

Uh-huh.

“REALLY!! I mean, my finger got under there while I was playing, but MY TEACHER SAYS IT WAS MY FAULT!!”

Uh-huh.

“SHE HATES ME!”

Uh-huh.

Oldest has tryouts for symphonic band today. Much like the tryouts for volleyball which she could not sign up for because unknown hateful people removed the signup list BEFORE SHE COULD SIGN IT, and much like the unknown hateful people who somehow managed to break into her gym locker without a trace and STEAL HER GLASSES, once again mysterious persons unknown had conspired to DENY HER THE RIGHT TO TRY OUT FOR BAND by screwing up her clarinet. Seems to be a running theme of trying to cover up for potential disappointment by consciously or unconsciously sabotaging herself. Maybe it’s some sort of vast right-wing conspiracy. She certainly seems to have much less difficulty believing that than maybe that she might have pried on the key pad just a little too hard with her fingernail, and maybe if she had not been messing with it, it would still be in one piece…

Nah, couldn’t be.

In any event, from Jonathan’s game I had to go to Nuncie’s to see if they could fix it. Walked in, took it back to the Band Aid room (heh—funny guys) and they fellow said I could pick it up Monday. HE’S PART OF THE CONSPIRACY, TOO!! Told him we needed it Monday morning, and asked if there was anything I could do as a temporary fix with stickum. He got sort of a pained look on his face and went and got another guy from the back. “Hmm. Never seen a pad come apart like that before.” Yes, my friend, and you’re not likely ever to again—he said he would give it a try, so Boy and I looked around. Wonderful place—they’ve been around for a while, and have a ton of autographed memorabilia and stuff all crammed in with the instruments—fifteen minutes of playing with stuff while simultaneously telling Jonathan to leave stuff alone (“But Daddy, YOU’RE touching it!” “Yes, and when you’re forty, you’ll be able to bother your little boy.”)—and we were ready to go. The fixer-upper guy was impressed with himself, and I was, too.

Off to T’ville, where we were supposed to a) go by the store and get hot dog buns and drinks for Catherine’s postseason party, b) get Boy stuff for his party at school, c) get him into something not full of black mud, and d) get back to the soccer park in time for Cat’s game at noon.

Clothes—check. Processed white bread—check. Two big jugs of carbonated water—check. Off to park.

Got there and they were already well into the game with a bunch of little girls wearing orange jerseys. I plopped down in my chair and Reba filled me in on the progress to that point, and she told me that the opposing coach was the same one who Catherine’s team had played in the fall that ran the score up to 20-1 and who had gotten into a verbal smackdown with our coach.

A real prince of a fellow.

Moderate height, reflective bug-eye sunglasses, body by Soloflex, hiking boots, and with his buzzcut he had a mug exactly like Jim Carrey’s in Me, Myself & Irene. And the sparkling personality of a cross between Jim Carrey as the insane Hank, and the most obnoxious [insert name of most hated Southeastern Conference football rival] fan you could find.

This old world needs all types, I suppose, but some types are more appropriate for coaching little six year old girls, and some would be better off being crushed by falling scrap iron. Shouting at the kids, mouthing off at the fans, mouthing off at the referee...he was the type of jackass we around here describe as “so sorry he ain’t worth killing.”

As I was telling our coach after it was over, his behavior was reprehensible, and he doesn’t need to be coaching little kids. BUT the best revenge is winning.

Which we did, 5-1.

In your face, burrhead.

Off to the party, which featured a moonwalk, squealing kids, wieners, cake, a moonwalk, cake, hot dogs, squealing kids, and another approaching thunderstorm. ::sigh:: We stayed as long as we could, then swept up our crew and headed to Rebecca’s last game, once more in the soggy goo at Liberty Park.

In between Boy’s morning game and this one, it had rained a few more bucketsful, and a bunch more folks had played, so by the time we got there the surface was basically thick chunky black water. The other team jumped out to a quick 1-0 lead which held to near the end of the first half, when they got called for a hand ball down inside the box. We got a direct penalty kick, which went blasting like a tank round over the goalie’s head and under the crossbar, very nearly ripping out the back of the net. My little girl has quite a leg on her, you know.

She was overjoyed. She’s been real close all year and has had several assists, but only managed to get one other goal. I think this one meant just as much as the first one. Her mama and daddy and big sister and little brother and little sister sure seemed proud about it. They were very loud, but you know how they are.

The girls went on to score another goal against a tough, tough team, thus winding up the season 7-0-1. Good job, girls!

Got Bec washed off a bit and into her spare uniform so as not to muck up the Honda, then it was off again to the house. We got parked and started unloading, and then I heard it, faintly, then louder, then faint again…

mmmwwwWWWUUUPaaaaaaa, wwwHHHUPPaaaaaa, eeeeeeeiiiiIIIIIUPPaaaaaaaa

It was at that moment that I discovered that we are just in ear distance of the new Barber racecourse. I am truly blessed. Although I didn’t get to go to the races this weekend, at least now I can rest easy knowing that I can at least hear them race if I can’t go. Add to this that we are also within earshot (so to speak) of the Birmingham Police Department firing range with its occasional full-auto training exercises, and the fact that there’s a Norfolk-Southern rail line running at the foot of the hill, and, well…it’s just overwhelming—like having your own full size slot car track and Lionel train set and GI Joe Commando Play Set. And they’re all far enough away that it’s not too loud, thus damping down the curmudgeonly old-fart side of me which wishes for QUIET and for them danged kids to hush up.

Anyway, kids inside, kids get baths and hair washed, kids go to bed, then it’s Sunday.

Of a different sort. Ashley took the ACT exam as part of the Duke University TIPS program, and out of the 3,200 or so students in Alabama who took it, around 900 scored well enough to get to go to a special honor program down at the University of Alabama.

No jokes about visiting enemy territory, please. Although I went to Auburn, I still enjoy visiting Tuscaloosa and was excited for Oldest to get some recognition. But first, we had to get down there—since it was at noon, there was no time to go to church here, so we got up early and hit the road so we could visit down there and then have time to make the ceremony. Luckily the congregation we visited had an early service, so we stopped in for a while. (Oh, and by the way, it rained all the way down.)

Interesting building—they have a large multipurpose space with moveable chairs which doubles as a gym. Sometimes rooms like this work, but most of the time they wind up not being fish nor fowl—not reverent enough to make a really contemplative space to worship, too nice to really be a good gym. You don’t want big rubber kickball marks all over the wall behind the preacher, and the stage makes for a real obstacle when you have to chase a ball out of bounds. But that’s just me—in this case they erred a bit more toward the nice side, and if there hadn’t been sports markings on the carpet, it would have looked like any other large room. Nicely furnished and painted and reasonably good acoustics, and a cool projection system so you didn’t have to fumble with songbooks.

The only thing really distracting were the two middle-aged women sitting in front of me who talked nearly the entire service. Announcements—chatting amiably. First couple of songs—chatter and sing. Prayer—bow, then start up blabbering at the exact moment the ‘n’ stopped on the ‘Amen’. Communion—bow, chat, eat, chat, bow, chat, chuckle, drink, chat. Next songs—chat, compare stuff in purses, jabber, yammer, giggle. Sermon—eyes on podium, chat out side of mouth. Chatter.

The people in front of them kept turning around, someone down the row cleared his throat in the “I’m making this sound so that you will notice me and possibly think that maybe other people might be distracted by the fact that you won’t shut up except to take a breath, and with no small amount of embarrassment you might take this opportunity to zip it” sort of manner. To no avail. I realize my kids can be distracting, but even they don’t get this bad. Of course, maybe these two ladies just needed me to pinch a plug out of the underside of their arm.

Afterwards, we went and got some brunch at one the South’s finest purveyors of greasy starches, the Shoney’s on McFarland.

For reasons that still have not become clear to me, Reba’s dad, whose sinus problems are legend, did not ask for a seat in the non-smoking section. Meaning that after our very enjoyable meal we smelled like an ashtray. I was on the end of the table beside a booth of four hefty Druid Citizens who all spoke with a charming brogue equal parts phlegm and burlap, who all seemed determined to each finish a pack of smokes before the waitress could bring the check.

Again, it takes all sorts, I suppose.

After getting our fill of the smooth, tasty goodness of second hand smoke and consuming mass quantities of food designed specifically to anger PETA, it was time to head over to Coleman Coliseum. Ashley found her place down on the floor and we squished ourselves down in the chairs and waited for a while for the show to start. When it did, there was a nice introduction from one of the guys who works with the TIPS program, and then there was the main speaker. A nice youngish fellow who was a dead ringer for Darrin Number One.

A very nice man, I'm quite sure.

He gave a speech in which he compared the “Generation Y” (please make your own air quotes) kids down on the floor with their “Generation X” (again, your own exaggerated air quotes, please) parents in the stands. Now, looking around I would say that most of the parents in the audience were at the tail end of the Baby Boom generation but I won’t quibble with that. I would like to ask that in the future though, for the sanity of all who follow me, that the entire textbook-length listing of supposed generational differences between parents and children—as compiled by ‘many noted experts’, and ‘socialogical consultants’, and others of the sort who couldn’t find their butts with both hands—somehow be shortened.

Two of these things is somewhat instructive and mildly amusing. But running through an entire matrix full of anthropological claptrap is pushing it, bub.

“How many of you know what an “Em—PEE—threeeee” is? Oh, several—in fact, MANY of you know what an “Em—Pee—THREE” is. And what is it? Yes, that’s correct, it is a TYPE OF COMPUTER MUSIC that you can “down load” from the “Internet”. And now, I’m going to ask your parents if THEY know what an “Emm—PEE—three” is…Parents?”

EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT AN MP-3 IS YOU GIANT DORK!! SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH THIS THING BEFORE I UNBOLT THIS STADIUM CHAIR AND RAM IT UP...

A smattering of the parents who had not slipped into a coma raised their hands.

“I seeee!”

Another—“How many of you “kids” enjoy working in groups, as opposed to working on a project individually?” (Said with negative emphasis on “individually”.)

About a quarter raised their hands.

I leaned over and told Reba that these were the ones who never got stuck on a team of five in which four were burnt-out slackers with negative GPAs.

Of course, the reaction of the kids goes against accepted wisdom—that being that the New Generation enjoys working on problems collectively and by reaching consensus and by empowering group members and all that goobledygook—so he just went on as if the entire group raised their hands. Wow, nothing like being educated beyond your wisdom.

Anyway, this went on long enough for me to take a nap and for Catherine to have to go to the pot two more times, and then they finally got to the point where the kids got to go get their award. It was very nice and formal, and no one fell or goofed around. Thus done, they all got a nice round of applause and we went down and took some photos, and then headed back home.

Through the rain.

The rest of the afternoon was blessedly uneventful, although rainy.

And then it was time to get up and start another week—so there you go.



13,000 Fla. Seniors Fail Achievement Test

A recount is in the works. (Sorry, cheap shot)



In a story not related in the LEAST to the one earlier about a certain former President, this just in from real smart scientist guys: Science Confirms: Politicians Lie

Color me shocked.



First it was badgers, now this...

Hungry Ferret Terrorizes Train
LONDON (Reuters) - A hungry ferret caused chaos on a commuter train in central England on Sunday, leaping from passenger to passenger before ducking into the driver's cab and devouring his lunch.

The wild ferret jumped on to the northbound Midland Mainline train as it picked up passengers at Leicester Station.

"It ran up and down the train causing more than a little consternation -- although it is hard to say if the ferret or the passengers were more frightened," a company spokeswoman said. [...]
Once again let me just say that you never hear of such untoward behavior from possums. Yet, it's always, "ooh, look at the cute litte ferret, I want to hold the ferret, let me touch the ferret"! Yeah, just wait until they're good and tanked up on Bud and start doing that weird "wikiwikiwiki" noise and they sink their razor sharp weaselly teeth into your JUGULAR!! Possums wouldn't look so bad THEN, now would they?!



Clinton Assails Bush at Commencement Talk
By BARBARA POWELL, Associated Press Writer

JACKSON, Miss. - Former President Bill Clinton accused President Bush of spending more time fighting the war on terrorism than on domestic issues during a commencement speech at Tougaloo College.

"I supported the president when he asked for authority to stand up against weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but we can't be forever strong abroad if we don't keep getting better at home," Clinton said Sunday to a crowd of about 8,000.

Clinton also criticized Bush's position on affirmative action and tax cuts just two days after the President formally kicked off his re-election campaign. [...]
Clinton further criticized Bush, saying even on his best days he couldn't "drain it like this", as he held aloft a 40 ounce Colt 45 and poured into a large funnel attached to a length of plastic tubing. After finishing the beverage and releasing a satisfied belch, the former Rhodes Scholar and U.S. President left for his next speaking engagement. It is reported that he did not leave any genetic material behind.



Afternoon, everybody. NORM!!!
AUBURN, Ala. - Stray dogs show up all the time around Auburn University. They don't usually belong 800 miles away in Kansas.

But that was the case with Norman, a beagle who wandered off from his owner in Solomon, Kan., one day in March and showed up Friday outside an Auburn University computer repair shop.

"I didn't think much of it — we've found dogs out here before," said Daryl Waites, Auburn's digital repair manager. "Usually just some student lost them."

Waites, a dog lover and owner, coaxed the beagle into the repair shop, where he and receptionist Cindy Darby checked the dog's collar. The collar's dull brass tag was inscribed: 2003, City of Solomon, KS.

Darby called City Hall in Solomon, a small town located 90 miles west of Topeka, and gave the tag number and a description of the dog.

"It sounded like a description of Norman," said an astonished Tallie Baetz, Solomon's city clerk.

Norman belonged to Baetz's neighbors, Tim and Jennifer Cross, two local schoolteachers. They had named the chubby dog — a wedding gift from Tim to his bride — after the character on "Cheers." [...]





ALIVE!!

Lot's of this, none of this. Finished this. AND SO MUCH MORE!!

Check back in a bit--long-windedness guaranteed--lots of rain, huge amounts of muck, three soccer games including one with a coach who is a man by genetics only, party, a trip to Shoney's AND the University of Alabama, Generation X + Y = Somnambulance, aural bliss, etc., etc.--all in all, one of the more lively weekends. BUT before I write this Ode to Suburbia, I must finish my paying work this morning. Be back in a bit, but until then, be sure to go see what everyone else up in the blogroll has to say.

See you in a little while.



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