You know, you just have to wonder about some people…

But then again, the rewards for joining are just irresistible. As it was for Georgian Kara Kaffe[not her real name] who, though coffee is her drug of choice, was tantalized by the sweet remembrances of the syrupy goodness of good ol’ Milo’s Sweet Tea (as featured in the World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack.)

She got herself all hopped up on caffeine and left a comment over at Matt’s place about feeling the lonely emptiness of life lived without The Tea. Feeling sad and empathetic for her plight, I summoned Chet the E-Mail Boy to my office and proceeded to dictate a missive to this poor child of the South (Kara, not Chet.)

Chet, a tear glistening from his cheek just like that Louisianan-Sicilian-Indian guy, scurried off to his telegraph set and sent away an invitation to Ms. Achiever to fulfill her destiny and become a part of the ever-expanding Yellowhammer Fall Foliage Appreciation Society, despite knowing that it would completely ruin whatever was left of her dignity. Sometimes you just have to hit bottom, you know.

In mere hours, Chet came wheezing back up the steps with a freshly inked draft copy of her reply in hand, which I promptly proofed and had him correct, and finally I was handed the final draft.

First, Ms. Kara discounted my idea of changing the name of her blog if she like Milo’s Tea so much:

I can't tell you the hours I spent trying to reverse engineer Milo's tea while in college. But Teachiever doesn't have quite the same ring, now does it?

Well, I thought it did. But whatever. It’s not like it’s about ME or anything…

I have read the membership rules:

Silly person.

1) Born in, or now live in, or once lived in, or would like to live in, Alabama;

Yes. Spent 7 years in Huntsville, AL

2) Not ashamed to admit to #1;

Clearly you haven't read my defense of Southernness.

You mean, THIS ONE!!

3) Staunchly anti-idiotarian, or can at least pretend pretty good

Card carrying, baby.

I want to stop right now and say that any girl who calls me “baby” or “hon” gets in automatically. In the interest of completeness, however, we continue…

4) Functionally literate

You tell me.

5) Don't type in ALL CAPS or all e.e. cummings case or MiXeD.

Ick.

6) Update your blog more than once a month

Brewed fresh DAILY! :)

7) Willing to be made fun of

Sure.

8) Willing to make fun of yourself

My favorite pastime.

9) Have a framed picture of John Moses Browning

Uh oh. Um... I'm not a gun owner, but I support your right to have them. I'm just really clumsy...

The rules say nothing about mandatory firearms ownership—only that a small shrine to Mormon inventiveness be displayed on a handy wall or desktop. Since Miss Coffee has admitted an accident-prone streak, however, we and our insurance carrier do ask that you stay away from the black powder locker.

10) Personal library must contain more books than you will ever read

Yep.

11) Must be able to recite Monty Python and the Holy Grail and give an episode synopsis of all Andy Griffith shows from memory

Monty Python is no problem. Could probably wing the Andy Griffith, though I don't have them ALL memorized.

12) Your pickup truck must be in good working order--use of ether to get it started is not recommended, but will be allowed on a case-by-case basis

Purrs like a kitten.

So whatcha think. Do I qualify? If so, please overnight the tea. I miss it. :)

Oh, I think we can safely say you qualify—the only question is if it’s worth it just to get a jug of tea!

Reckon so.

SO THEN, not wishing to deny the rich, hot goodness and dodgy fellowship inherent to the Cotton State Stimulant and Recoil Club, it is by the power vested in my by several small voices in my head that we hereby hogtie and deliver one Karo Sweetener [not her real name], percolator of Coffee Achiever, into the clammy embrace of the Axis of Weevil.

WELCOME, you Coffee Queen, you, and in celebration of your entrance into society, you will be receiving your very own World Famous Axis of Weevil Gift Pack, containing a slab of Dreamland ribs, a gallon jug of Milo's sweet tea; a G-Lox Wedgee gun rack from Mark's Outdoor Sports for your pickup cat, a package of Bubba's Beef Jerky (according to Dr. Weevil, this is homemade and is available only at the gas station at the end of Highway 82 in Bibb County); a three piece, 24 ounce box of Priester's Pecan Logs; a box of Jim Dandy grits; a 16 ounce bottle of Dale's Steak Sauce; AND a six pack of Buffalo Rock Ginger Ale! Use them in good health.

BUT WAIT, there’s more!

As we all know, Jimmy from next door (not Jimmy from Accounts Payable) has been doing decorative crafts for new members as therapy for his “condition.” Since Coffee Achieving is the theme of Kara’s blog, Jimmy has gone to Hardees and gotten a whole pile of coffee grounds and will be making you your very own portrait. He has gotten very good with his mosaic work, although he is a bit worried that the tiny grounds might take a while to get glued down right. And he needs a picture of you. Don’t send anything with you naked though, because his aunt caught him with some more of those books the other day and she hasn’t quit yelling at him yet.

And unfortunately, we cannot overnight the Milo's tea to you--we have tried everything, but it keep pouring out of the envelope. But Lureen just had the Maverick aligned, and so she should be there within about a day or so, so it's not like you're missing out a whole lot.
posted by Terry at 3:17:00 PM