Reader Mail!

As I mentioned, Chet the E-Mail Boy remained ever vigilant while I was away, and left in the inbox several missives from the far-flung reaches of the Possum Empire. One such came from our Antipode Correspondent Simon Roberts— before vacating, I asked, “How are things down in Tasmania?” To which Simon responded with a roundup of all things Taz:

Cold…very cold. Tasmania is a sleepy little place - not much happens here (although there are an inordinate number of gruesome murders for some reason). Actually, that should that be "IS an inordinate number..".

Well, since we’re starting off on a language pedantry jag here, is it possible to come ungrued? Can murders be gruelike? Grueish? Can you be grueful? If you are caught in the act, are you grueing? Oh well, grue it…

What else...

Apparently the Tasmanian economy is booming (my personal economy is rather more bearish)

I like very last paragraph in the article:

Euphoria Furniture sales consultant Gail Krzyzanowski said she was selling a lot of furniture to people moving from interstate.

"They are buying homes and doing them up," she said.

And, because of the confidence in the real estate market, Tasmanians were also renovating and buying new furniture.

As furniture goes, so goes the nation. Even more interesting is this article from the 7th, which basically says the whole booming Tasmanian economy deal is bogus—Thanks, guys!
Next, Simon talks to the animals:

The Tasmanian Tiger may not be extinct (actually they run this story out every 6 months).

Have you seen a picture of the Tasmanian 'tiger'? It looks like a mangy, arthritic dingo; no great loss I reckon.

Well, it is if you’re a mangy arthritic dingo! (The link to the article Simon originally sent is now archived—the one above is a follow-up to it). Simon also sent a link to a story that is just as compelling:

...and finally the long-running story about the sacking of a Police Sergeant who was caught performing [EEEK!! WE CAN’T PRINT THAT WORD!!] in a public bar (off duty) is finally over.

Ah yes, the Fascinating Case of Sergeant Sleaze. You know, it’s a shame Monty Python’s Flying Circus is off the air, for I believe this story would make a sketch as famous as either “Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion Visit Jean-Paul Sartre” or “The Police Station” sketch from Episode 12, Season One. (Although, in fairness, not quite so much as the “Epsom Furniture Race”.) Thanks to Simon for keeping us up to date with News from Down Under.

And speaking of etiquette, last week we also received a heartfelt request for guidance from one Jim Calloway, a faithful reader who lives and works down in Northwest Florida:

Say... just between us guys...

And everyone else who reads this…

If a lovely lady decides to go jogging one of our more humid mornings, like, say, today,

And, let's say, she's well developed in the chesticular region,

And she chooses to wear a simple, rather thin, T shirt, say white,

And she neglects to don any visible undergarments, specifically a bra, in the hypothetical situation under discussion...

And after about four steps, she begins to, ummm, perspire,

And after maybe a block, that shirt is pretty damp, and clingy...

Did I mention the humidity?

Uhmmmm…yes, yes you did. Please go on…

Do you think she has any right to get all huffy and glare at a perfect stranger who just happens to be driving by and, ummm, well, maybe sorta looks at her?

If said perfect stranger goes around the block to get another look, do
you think it strengthens her case? Going around two blocks?

Just wondering is all. Not that anything like that would ever happen to me you understand. And if it did, well, I'd probably not notice. I mean it's not like it happened today or anything.

But still, it's a fair question. The situation might come up someday.

Poor hypothetical Jim.

Well, as you all know, the rules of gentlemanly conduct seem to have taken a beating over the years, and this purely hypothetical case points that out very clearly.

Jim, obviously in this case (were it ever to have actually taken place) the lady in question absolutely has a right to glare—it’s obvious that she did not understand the nature of your actions. You see, some girls can be very forgetful, and it seems very clear that in this instance the young lady simply forgot to put on the proper foundation garments.

In today’s fast-paced world, many women are hard pressed to keep up with such minor details, with predictable results. A man who was truly up-to-date with the Man Code would know this, and be prepared to act responsibly.

Knowing how difficult it can be to keep up with dainties, a man should keep a ready supply of various styles and types of undergarments handy in the front seat of his vehicle for just such an emergency. The proper way to address this is when an unencumbered lady is seen, you should pull your vehicle to the curb (checking to make sure it can be done safely and legally) and quickly step into her path. “Pardon me, miss. I know that you must have a hectic and face-paced life, which would explain why you did not remember to slip into your [INSERT PROPER GARMENT NAME HERE; eg. “bra” and/or “panties”] before you left for your morning constitutional. Allow me to assist you by offering you one of this selection of attractive and supportive items which will make you more comfortable.”

Good taste would dictate that you allow her to pick out her own selection, although if she seems hesitant, you may wish to offer a suggestion which you feel would complement her tastes and figure. If the climate is oppressively humid, you may also wish to carry a soft cotton towel to blot her with so that the clothing my be slipped on more easily. (And remember, young ladies do not perspire—they glow!) She may still not wish to avail herself of your gallant offer, but it is best in these instances to be persistent. Remember, vanity is an odd thing, and some ladies may not wish to be seen as forgetful, so a few simple reassurances may be helpful as you assist her.

Afterwards, she will be very grateful and will know that you are a true gentleman!

By the way, pepper spray should be flushed out of the eyes as quickly as possible after contact to insure that the corneas are not damaged.

Just another helpful tip from the Possumblog School of Charm!
posted by Terry at 11:46:00 AM