Oh, good night, Irene--he left, and now he's back, jabbering, jabbering--I am ignoring you!! Please go away--he's yammering about "Monster House" on cable--something about a house for race fans--must...not...slap...him

My better angel from Vidalia stays my hand:

Hon,

Restrain yourself. You have to be on very, very good terms with your boss to get away with that. I know because I did it once -- both the slapping and the survival. But they'll never let you get away with it at a government office. Have to requisition the National Guard for that.

Janis

Hmm. Maybe so...but after he got back, and went through the synopsis of the entire show, complete with sound effects and his own laughter at every single syllable, he got to the point of why he came into my office in the first place twenty minutes earlier.

Holding up a sheet of legal-sized paper with hand-drawn columns and scrawly headings, he asked: "Is there any way that I can make this form using Microsoft Word, AND make it to where the paper is arranged like this." ::holding sheet sideways::

::sigh:: "Well, yeah, Laughing Boy [not his real name], you just--"

"WAIT A MINUTE!! I have to go use the restroom!"

"WAIT A DANGED MINUTE YERSELF--come here and let me show you this since you're here!!" So he walked over to the side of my desk, HOLDING THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS LIKE A SMALL CHILD, and stood there as I showed him the magical steps of File--Page Setup--Paper Size--Legal--Landscape and the wondrous technology of Insert Table. "TABLE!! YEAH!! THAT WAS IT!! I couldn't remember what that was!!" Still holding his little public servant.

"You can go now--you're making me uncomfortable in the work environment."

Starts laughing, wants to SIT DOWN AND START TALKING AGAIN!!

GO PEE, LAUGHING BOY!

Now then, with that in mind, are we all sure a few slaps across the back of the head would be so very wrong?

UPDATE--Miss Janis says I should remember the little children and pretty wife I have at home who would become wards of the state upon my incarceration. ::sigh:: What about a little accident? They do that on The Sopranos all the time. OH WAIT!! Why didn't I think of this earlier!? ::slaps self vigorously upon back of head in the manner he had proposed earlier:: I'll just play dead!! What good's writing something called Possumblog if I can't play dead! He'll come in, paw over my carcass, then leave! Brilliant! Thank you, Janis, for helping me to use my creative talents to avoid workplace strife!
posted by Terry at 3:59:00 PM