Letters to Ed.

As promised, we now take this opportunity to fill up some space with another angry letter to the Possumblog Editorial Board, this one from the wilds of Winterboro, North Carolina:

To the Editorial Board:

Dear Sir(s),

Did you evolve from an Editor to Editorial Board simply by adding Jeff the E-Mail Boy? Do you need more than two people to be considered a "staff"? Otherwise, the second person would just be an assistant or partner. By having an Editorial Staff, would you now be considered a "group blog", and therefore subject to all the blog rules and regulations that govern such a union?

The editing on Possumblog has been excellent, with nary a misspell or punctuation error. Now all you need are more possum tales and anecdotes on those lovable grey-haired marsupials.

Sincerely,

Spud
(not some made-up hide-behind-an-acronym guy)

First things first—apologies again for having been otherwise engaged the last few days, but sir you must know that you have sent poor CHET the E-Mail Boy into a deep and otherworldly funk, and despite our protestations, we have not been able to convince him that he is not being replaced by some young whippersnapper named Jeff. Possibly seeing this assurance in print will assist him in returning to his duties.

(For those who do not know, Chet’s 87 years old, and has been hanging around the building since back in the days when he ran the Linotype for us. We couldn’t bear to let him go, and so he has made himself useful by combining his skills in making hot type with his fun and relaxing hobby of telegraphy.

As e-mails enter our computer system, they are routed to Chet’s desk by the mop sink in the basement, where they are translated into Morse code through a simple computer program and output to a keyset. Chet eagerly copies down these dots and dashes in his shaky, scrawly longhand, then rushes over to the Linotype machine where he hurriedly transcribes his notes into the keyboard then runs out a plate, inks it, plops a sheet of foolscap on there and presses a rough copy. He then runs upstairs (“run” being rather too much exertive to adequately describe his gait) where he hands me the copy for proofreading. After I have made my corrections in red pen, he then “runs” back downstairs, makes the corrections in the plate and pulls a final copy which I read and comment upon. If the e-mail requires a reply, Chet takes dictation on his old stack of Western-Union telegram forms, and after that sprints back downstairs and goes directly to his telegrapher’s key and taps out the message.

The inspiration for this system of electronic mail delivery is based upon an interesting news story of a few months ago in which the Chinese Postal Service instituted a scheme of hand delivering paper copies of e-mails received at a central station. It all may sound cumbersome, but Chet works for free. Excitement is not good for his condition, however, so we try to damp down any rumors that he might be set out to pasture.)

NOW THEN, having gone through all of that, we will now clarify the position of Editor and Editoral Board. Although they occupy the same cranium, the Editor is in charge of the day-to-day operation of Possumblog, seeing that silly content is pumped out in a somewhat regular fashion for devotees of suburban drama.

The Editorial Board is a semiautonomous, unpaid oversight group tasked with directing the overall tone and outlook of the publication. The Board is made up of individuals who work in a variety of fields and who are intended to bring balance and fairness to the open window and give them a swift kick over the sill. Again, we remind you that the members of the Editorial Board are purely figments of my fertile imagination and dementia, and they reside in a small area behind my left temporal lobe.

The Editorial Board is chosen by the Board of Directors, each of whom has a vested ownership interest in Possumblog, and collectively comprise a wicked cabal intent upon world domination through the stealthy ploy of using a dim (though avuncular) rotund, bespectacled fellow from Alabama as chief writer.

The remainder of the staff, just like the Board of Directors, Editorial Board, Editor, Pat Slagging, our Irish correspondent, and various flunkies and hangers-on (no offense, Chet), are crowded into the confines of my head, where they live in relative peace. They are occasionally pushed aside by thoughts of food, Norah O’Donnell, cars, dirt, cute kittens, food, pencils, that weird shiver you get after using the urinal, Pop Rocks, and pecan pie.

For the purposes of taxation and complying with local, state, and federal wage and hour statutes and collective bargaining laws, they are brutally suppressed behind a facade of compete normalcy.

Mmm. Pie.

So, there you have it. We greatly appreciate the kinds words from Spuddybuddy about grammar, punctuation, and spelling—HOWEVER, part of the sad result of living with so many cohabitants in such a confined space is that occasionally things slip out onto the keyboard that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Please ignore these.

Carry on now.
posted by Terry at 12:13:00 PM