Possumblog Election Roundup

As part of my continuing efforts to undo John Hawkins kind listing of Possumblog as one of the "Ten Best 'Unknown' Political Bloggers," I give you the following hard-hitting thoughts on Election Eve:

1. So far, the number of politicians who would have to be punished under the terms of the Possumblog Corollary to Godwin's Law ("the first pol to claim his pet program is "for the children," automatically loses the election and is tied in a sack and dropped off a cliff in Iran") is equal to the number of office seekers. I would ask that each of you please take a sack from the box and start a line over by the copier. As you board the aircraft, please do not cry or talk to the other passengers.

Given that after "The Big Drop" there will be no one to occupy large blocs of elected government offices, Jim Nabors is cutting short his season in Branson, Missouri and will serve as a sort of roving caretaker until the next election cycle.

2. Democrats are rumored to be thinking about possibly challenging the outcomes in certain heavily contested races. This is just a rumor, though.

3. After another embarrassing election debacle caused by the inability of certain southern Florida counties to vote straight-ticket Idiotarian Party, the 35 counties making up Northwest, North Central, and Northeast sections of the state will secede from the remaining portion of the peninsula. The first major public works project will the construction of a five mile wide canal straight across the state.

4. Walter Mondale. Walter Mondale?

5. Negative campaigning is roundly criticized, but I think the real problem is the lack of violence. Things would be so much nicer if there were a couple of big likkered-up bruisers mixing it up on the dais with Bowie knives, or better yet, maybe a catfight between the two candidates for Hawaii's governor--in grass skirts! And with coconut shell brassieres! And they could have young ladies standing-in for when the candidates got tired, and they would be all nubile and have shiny black hair and be covered with coconut oil and leis! And they wouldn't really fight but roll around on the beach.

Now that's negative campaigning I can live with.

6. Money. I really don't care how much they spend. It helps the economy, you know. Here. Take everything I have. I want you to have it. Really. I would just use it on stupid things like food.

7. Next big bumper sticker--"Don't Blame Me--I Voted For A Guy From Nigeria Who Needed Me To Help Him Transfer $45,000,000 (Forty Five Million Dollars) Into My Bank Account."

8. Terry McAuliffe will propose changing federal election laws to insure that every Democrat will henceforth be declared winner with 100% voter turnout and 100% of votes cast.

9. Predicted Tim Russert Prediction--"Twizzlers and Diet Coke"

10. Despite the silliness, the American republic is still the greatest experiment in goverment the world has ever known. As a human institution, it is subject to the vagaries of human nature, yet it has survived and flourished in spite of itself. At some point, it will cease to exist, as do all things created by man, but the legend of its greatness will live as long as there are people who want to live, to be free from tyranny, and to strive for happiness.

Go vote.
posted by Terry at 2:52:00 PM