You know, it's probably gonna be a long day.

The only thing worse than getting up in the dark and stumbling to the bathroom to take a shower while the rest of the house is asleep is that moment when you get in and the water's nice and hot and you realize that there is no soap. No bar, no bottle, no sliver down in the mat of hair by the drain. Of course, there are choices--start screaming bloody murder until someone wakes up and gives you soap to shut you up (makes much bad mojo--not a good option), get back out, walk to lavatory and get soap (requires effort--not a good option), or use the shampoo.

Hmm. No noise, no effort.

But a man really doesn't want to smell like Herbal Essences Fruit Fusions Protecting Shampoo, does he? Even though it's "made especially for color-treated hair," and promises that "Protecting Shampoo cleanses hair gently, so your color won't be stripped away." (But what about my tender skin?) And even though it is "made of a unique fragrant blend with Mandarin, Starfruit and Papaya," surely there must be something better. But, still, "this exhilarating shampoo will keep your hair looking and feeling vibrant and healthy." And when your only alternative soap/shampoo is Neutrogena T-Gel, you decide that since you have to be around humans, it's probably better to smell like a girl than a coal tar refinery.

Mmmm. Mandarin, starfruit, and papaya.

After a long, lingering infusion of calming fruit scents, it is sadly time to dry off. And be confronted with another choice when you reach into the cabinet and find that in all of the taking of children to soccer the night before, and despite a trip to Wal-Mart the night before that, you remember that you forgot to purchase the manly, Unscented Sure spray-on antiperspirant you use to simultaneously destroy the ozone, keep yourself dry, and stay non-goat-smelling-like. (Such are the things which have import to me.) Even though you search in vain for the emergency backup can of Fresh Manly Scented, you find that it, too, is no longer in stock.

Again, choices.

Well, there's the Lysol. Spray Lysol, bottled Lysol, Lysol Basin Tub and Tile Cleaner. Nope, nope, nope. Then there's hairspray. Nope. Go without? Well...ahhhhhh...NO!

Hmmm. What's this? "Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Woman."

Aw geez. Am I reduced to this? Of course. "Powder Fresh," eh? Whatever. I see that this product is in the form of a Soft Solid, the application of which gives me a much greater understanding of the ad slogan, for you see, "Made for a Woman" assumes an American woman who shaves her armpits. Soft solid (which is really more of a thick liquidy powder) just sort of gets all balled up and sticky when met with the hirsute he-manliness for which I am known far and wide. Imagine spackling a badger.

But spackle I did, and am now thoroughly in touch with my feminine side. She's ugly as sin and big as a barn, but at least she smells good.
posted by Terry at 9:19:00 AM