My God, another screaming Nigerian is in need!

ATTN.

I PRINCE ABUGIWA ALI, SON OF THE LATE AMBROSE ALI,(FORMER EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR OF BENDEL STATE, PRESENTLY EDO STATE. MY FATHER WAS ARRESTED AND DETAINED BY THE MILITARY THAT TOPPLED THE DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED GOVERNMENT IN 1983. MY FATHER DIED IN DETENTION DO TO LONG DETENTION AND TORTURE DO TO A MISSING FUND UNDER HIS ADMINISTRATION. SINCE THEN THE FAMILY HAD BEEN UNDER SURVELLANCE BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND THE SITUATION IS NOT HELPING MATTERS.

RECENTLY, SEARCHING THROUGH MY FATHER'S SECRET DOCUMENTS I FOUND OUT THAT, THE FUND WAS TRANSFERED TO A SECURITY VOLT IN EUROPE WHERE HE MY FATHER (CHIEF AMBROS ALI, LATE), DEPOSITED THE FUND BEFORE HE DIED. THIS FUND IS A TOTAL SUM OF FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION US DOLLARS($450,000,000).

NOW I WANT TO SET-UP A BUSINESS IN EUROPE WITH THE FUND, AND HEREBY DECIDED TO CONTACT YOUR ASSISTANCE TO HELP IN RETRIEVING THE FUND FROM THE SECURITY VOLT IN EUROPE. IF YOU CAN DO IT, YOU WILL BE ALLOWED 30% OF THE TOTAL FUND AND TO DEDUCT ALL EXPENSES THAT WILL ACCRUE THROUGH THE PROCESS OF RETRIEVING THE FUND.

ONCE, I RECIEVE YOU CONSENT OF ASSISTANCE I WILL MAKE EVERY DOCUMENT AVAILABLE THAT WILL LEAD TO THE RETRIEVING OF THE FUND. pLEASE I WILL LIKE YOU TO SEND ALL REPLY THROUGH EMAIL BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS UNDER SURVELLANCE BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, IN THIS CASE I HAVE KNOW ACCESS TO TELEPHONE.

PLEASE, MAKE THIS BUSINESS A TOP SECRET, BECAUSE IT IS MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY'S LIFE. ANY LEAKAGE OF INFORMATION TO THE PUBLIC WILL LEAD TO THE ARREST OF THE ENTIER FAMILY.

PLEASE, SEND YOUR PHONE NO., FAX.

I NEED YOUR MUTUAL ASSISTANCE AND CO-OPERATION FOR THIS BUSINESS.

BEST REGARDS,

PRINCE: ABUGIWA ALI(JR).

THIS looks like a job for...POSSUM MAN!

(For those who are new to Possumblog, a bit of background information:)

Escaping near death after being hit by an out-of-control nuclear waste truck while crossing the road, Possum Man soon found he had developed extraordinary crime-fighting powers. With his brain now shrunken to the size of a walnut, he lost all fear (along with good sense) and could be found waddling stealthily into the secret lairs of evil-doers. Quietly using his opposable hind toes and his prehensile tail to defuse bombs (usually successfully) and dial the telephone to order pizza (never a misdial), Possum Man is feared by all of your better known nefarious, ne'er do-well types. Even when trapped in seemingly dire situations, he is able to confuse and nauseate his captors with his ability to feign death or expel horrid scent gland secretions, all while wearing a soft and stylish fur coat.

Forced by society (because he looks more or less like a giant rat, and he smells, and he hisses when angry) to live in his Secret Tree Nest of the Forest (which is actually just a mobile home up on 4 foot high pilings--he does have TiVo, though, and a really cool '87 Firebird), Possum Man nonetheless carries out his sworn duty to root out the grubs of evil across the land, especially his archnemesis, the Budweiser Ferret, who with his incessant "whi-ee, whi-ee, whi-ee" sound, managed to score with all the chicks and make it big on the TV.

He does have his weaknesses, of course, as do all superheroes--he is not bulletproof, the sight of an onrushing car makes him faint, and he is easily confused by...well, by basically anything.

So then, I...I mean, Possum Man hurriedly scrambles into his furry costume (taking special care to avoid stepping on the tail, because the last time it came off as he was getting into the Possum-Mobile, and it kinda dragged along under the car and got hung on the tailpipe and smelled like burning foam rubber), and leaps into action!

Possum Man will SAVE YOU, PRINCE: ABUGIWA ALI(JR), o son of former executive governor!

Just wait a second...here, ah...keys-keys-keys...anyone seen the keys to the Firebird? On what hook? Nope, they're not there...you sure they aren't...oh, wait, I couldn't take it anyway. Remember, the front u-joint is loose. Did Lizano bring back the company car? Hmm. Well, I'm sure as heck not gonna walk out in the heat in this costume. Hold on a minute, PRINCE: ABUGIWA ALI(JR).

(Three hours later)

Okay--look, PRINCE: ABUGIWA ALI(JR), I realize that there is probably no other person around who could break into the SECURITY VOLT IN EUROPE and get your money. And you've got that big stack of documents and all, and you're screaming and under SURVELLANCE and such, and I mean, 30% of $450 mil is a pretty sweet deal for doing something that us superheroes usually don't charge for--that's probably close to...7 or 8 thousand dollars, or something. And it's not that I don't want your little business deal to go bad, but, well, I just can't get around to it today. I'm real sorry.
posted by Terry at 10:54:00 AM