I'm sorry if I sound like some sort of jingoistic, flag-waving, American nutcase, but I get tired of Europeans dissing America. Next time some Euro-trash punk tells me how violent America is, and how culturally bankrupt America is, and how ugly America is, I'm gonna smash his puny, beady-eyed, pony-tailed skull, and pick my teeth with his femur bone, all the while whistling the theme song from Gilligan's Island. And next time someone tells me that soccer is the most entertaining sport ever, I'll just roll my eyes and point out that Europeans are living in an entertainment vacuum. That they're so starved for quality entertainment and sport they can't even tell the difference between track stars and pop stars, just ask Carl Lewis, whose caterwauling album, Modern Man, sold half a million copies in Sweden.

So to restate my Unified Field Theory of Entertainment: The majority of the world outside of the United States thinks soccer is entertaining, thus proving that the majority of the world is populated by people who have diminished expectations of what entertainment should be.