FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

CONTACT: AXIS OF WEEVIL CENTRAL COMMAND e-mail terryoglesby@yahoo.com

COVETED AWARD GRANTED TO DR. CONDOLEEZA RICE

ALABAMA, 5 APRIL 2002--In a closely watched contest among ten finalists, Birmingham native and United States National Security Advisor Dr. Condoleeza Rice has been chosen by popular acclaim to be the first recipient of the Croix de Grits, the much heralded award granted to "recognize people who have gone above and beyond the call of duty in service to Alabama and/or to the South."

The Croix de Grits is bestowed by a group of Alabamacentric blog writers collectively known as "The Axis of Weevil." This group, consisting of Mac Thomason, Elizabeth Spiers, Ray Mikell, Will Hester, Lee Ann Morawski, Dr. Weevil, Charles Austin, Emily Jones, J Bowen, and Terry Oglesby (all of whom have some tie to the great State of Alabama and the skill and desire to type a lot) decided that it was high time to recognize those who have demonstrated to the world that The Goldenrod State is capable of producing prodigious greatness. Each member was asked to nominate a particular person whom they believed contributed to the intellectual, political, artistic, literary, moral, spiritual, culinary, etc., life of the state. Voting was then opened up the readership of the Axis of Weevil's member bloggers.

Nominations began for this award on Tuesday, March 26, 2002. The original nominees (and their vote totals) for this tremendous award included astrophysicist Dr. Thomas Wdowiak (3), author Florence King (12), Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (6), the black voters of Mississippi (1), New York Times editor Howell Raines (0), Ave Maria Grotto builder Brother Joseph Zoettl (6), Alabama's Major League Baseball players (1), Pulitzer Prize-winning author Edward O. Wilson (3), Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson (0), and Dr. Rice (21). Early in polling, a substitution was made in which Times editor Raines was brutally dumped in favor of singer and musician Ray Charles, who went on to garner two votes.

Controversy arose when East Tennessean and former Navy man Rich Hailey wished to withdraw his original nominee of Senator Fred Thompson and replace him with author Lewis Grizzard. Negotiations to include Grizzard on the ballot were tense, with the Axis' Directorate of Election Stealing insisting that nominees be among the living. Undeterred, Hailey resorted to calling for his readers to mobilize for an electronic invasion of the Axis of Weevil's Communications and Dry Goods Department. Sensing the potential damaging effects that bad publicity could bring, Terry Oglesby, Possumblogger, invoked a much-abused Calvinball Rules provision and relented to the placement of Grizzard in the poll. Stung by the vigor of Grizzard's supporter, Oglesby consoled himself by throwing an immature fit of name-calling. Both Grizzard and Hailey were heartened that Grizzard's dirt nap was no impediment to his gathering up of two entire votes.

In yet another face-losing exercise for Oglesby, he later blundered upon information that yet another candidate was non compos vitae, Benedictine Monk Joseph Zoettl. Noting that Zoettl died in 1961, Oglesby poured forth a monotonous harangue about the rule of law and with a style reminscent of Lyndon LaRouche, intimated that another Axis member, Sine Qua Non Pundit Charles Austin was perhaps a member of the Illuminati of Avignon. Puzzled and bemused, Austin promised to quit voting for Zoettl as soon as it was convenient.

United Nations observers of the voting process were generally satisfied that it was handled as well as anything else they have every seen, while EU members complained bitterly about the general lack of multilateralism and the fact that it was not metric compliant. In what could possibly the most hotly worded complaint, former Vice President Albert Gore vigorously demanded that polling be reopened and his name placed upon the ballot, saying that the anti-idiotarian bias of the polling and nomination process guaranteed he would be excluded. The Axis of Weevil's Ministry of Agitprop and Sewing released a statement consisting of a picture drawn by one of its member bloggers in which Gore is shown as a small crying baby. An arrow was drawn to the crayon-medium artwork with the legend "Littel Cribaby."

Notified of her award in a nationally broadcast phone conversation, Dr. Rice expressed her delighted puzzlement and firm commitment to hang the Croix de Grits Citation upon her refrigerator, and to wear the heavily ostentatious medallion while lounging around the house and maybe in the yard.


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posted by Terry at 10:55:00 AM